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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Shitty boring relationship

75 replies

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 20/04/2013 17:53

That's it really. My relationship is shitty and boring and I feel so deflated I can't even cry. I have a baby ds who is a four months old.

My partner is a nice guy but just seems so uninterested in me.
This is a week in my life, he goes to work , I sah with ds, he comes home watches an hour of telly with us while eating , I take ds to bed and then P goes on his game from 9-1am every night. Last night he came to bed at 3am.

Today it was glorious weather, I took ds out for a lovely long walk followed by lunch in town, P stayed in I did ask if he wanted to come. I come home and he watches football for 2 hours, when that finishes asks if I minded if he played his game.

What is this, seriously?! My relationship is shit. I'm withholding sex now as I feel like, why should I sleep with him if he won't even watch a film with me?

There's no quality time for us. He's not interested. I feel myself falling out of love when it should be a great time with my new family :(

OP posts:

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Loulybelle · 20/04/2013 22:50

Pffft go out, you'll find he'll be in every night playing.

Theres a reason for the stereotype that games are sad and lonely, because they take online life way to seriously.

Loulybelle · 20/04/2013 22:53

Babe, dont feel sad for him, because he has you, a parent who loves him more than they love bloody bunch of microchips, he has you, he'll always have you, I've been you and i tell you, been single 4 years, but it was better than being sat at home listening to my exp snore. Now you can do what you want and when you like.

wonderingagain · 20/04/2013 22:57

Oh this is so bloody sad. This man is behaving like a teenager. He sounds like one of Kevin and Perry's mates on the Fast Show. Tell him that from me.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 20/04/2013 22:57

Thank you LB, that means a lot. I can't believe him.

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GirlWiththeLionHeart · 20/04/2013 23:00

I shouldn't of ttc with him, why did I? But now I have my ds and I'm so happy. I feel sick and confused. He's the most selfish person I've ever known to throw his family away because he feels trapped because he's had to stay in and be a father. Most men want to stay in when they've just had a son, right?! This is crazy

OP posts:

wonderingagain · 20/04/2013 23:02

LB your perspective is spot on. DP prefers the attention of his computer games to his own child and partner.

wonderingagain · 20/04/2013 23:04

Girl it's ups and downs in the early stages if this is his his first son he might just be being green and stupid. Mine was a bit off in the first year, behaving like a student but eventually the light bulb went on and he took responsibility.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 20/04/2013 23:11

I really hope so. The stuff he was saying just broke my heart though. Making out he was trapped with someone so horrible when I would do anything for him and ds. I hope he sees the light, if not ill ask him to leave

OP posts:

Loulybelle · 20/04/2013 23:13

Your DP has an addiction, and like all addictions, it turns people into moody, defensive people, unfortunately its not considered a real addiction.

squiby2004 · 21/04/2013 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squiby2004 · 21/04/2013 00:22

Didn't like the counsellor!!

BicBiro · 21/04/2013 00:45

he's getting defensive and turning it around because he knows deep down that he's in the wrong. i would try not to engage with that if you can because otherwise you'll just end up in a row with blame flying everywhere.

you know the truth, it doesnt matter what he says. he's not emotionally connected to you and DS at the moment - he's opting out of family life through rubbish escapism that take him deep into the night and probably render him useless in the morning too. great, what use is that to you?

maybe he's just not up to the job of being a decent partner and father.

i would tel him to move out and go and live this wonderful single life he's dreaming of. grass is greener and all that. i know youre sad and hurt at what he said, but if he's giving you nothing to work with then what can you do?

fionathepink · 21/04/2013 00:54

Tell him to turn off the game, turn off the phone for a set amount of time with you each week. Make that time sacred. Having a LO is hard but take out an hour in the evening to talk about your days. If needs be lock all the phones away and unplug the internet.

Or tell him you are taking a few hours to yourself and he is in charge of LO. That won't fix your relationship but might make him see he needs to be more involved.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 21/04/2013 01:16

This man is a knob.

You have your son and a full life ahead of you.

Knob has fuck all except a bad attitude.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 21/04/2013 01:18

I know which one I would stick with.

Ask knob to move out with his x-box/game console (diddums)

and start enjoying life with your child. It's really not that bad being a lone parent.

Loulybelle · 21/04/2013 07:52

Being a lone parent is a damn sight better than being a miserable one waiting for an idiot to notice you.

MadBusLady · 21/04/2013 09:27

The game's a red herring. DP plays games, it's really not a problem. He last played maybe three weeks ago? It's just like any other hobby that can enhance life in moderation but become an obsession if abused.

There's clearly no point trying to talk it through if he's going to react like that. Call his bluff if you can, agree that he is to move out. See how he likes it. If he doesn't wake up very quickly you'll have your answer

MadBusLady · 21/04/2013 09:27

The game's a red herring. DP plays games, it's really not a problem. He last played maybe three weeks ago? It's just like any other hobby that can enhance life in moderation but become an obsession if abused.

There's clearly no point trying to talk it through if he's going to react like that. Call his bluff if you can, agree that he is to move out. See how he likes it. If he doesn't wake up very quickly you'll have your answer

Sh1ney · 21/04/2013 10:00

Well, talk of broken homes and wishing you were dead is a tad melodramatic. You know that a single parent family is exactly like a two parent family, yes? In the main, it absolutely is. And the bonus is you don't have the man child hanging around.

You' re right in the middle of the worst bit and that's why you feel so down. You'll pick right up when you tell him to leave and give this a year or two and you'll be back to normal - living the life you're meant to live... and with a man who actually excites you. That's the future... time to get cracking?

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 21/04/2013 10:01

Woke up as if nothing happened. He's gone out to get breakfast and is being nice but I'm just ignoring him. After saying he's been thinking of moving out for a few weeks he now wants to act like nothing happened.

You're right LB, I would much rather be alone than with someone who does everything to avoid spending time with me.

He got addicted to a similar game throughout my pregnancy and we had the exact same argument. When he got bored of the game, he was suddenly very available and wanted to spend time (I also moved out for a few days).

I just feel so flat. Your replies mean so much to me.

Bic you're right about the defensiveness. I feel like calling his bluff and saying go and have that great single life you yearn so much.

Thing is he has said I don't let him go out I'm the one who's always saying go out when I was preg because you won't have time to when baby is here. He didnt. He went out for drinks when ds was 2-3 weeks old

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GirlWiththeLionHeart · 21/04/2013 10:03

I know Sh1ney it was melodramatic but I'm pretty devastated at his behaviour tbh. But I know ill be fine and ill meet someone nicer too. This just isn't what I wanted but its not the end of the world.

OP posts:

LittleFrieda · 21/04/2013 10:10

How old are you, OP? And how old is he?

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nurseneedshelp · 21/04/2013 10:11

Sorry haven't read it all but does he smoke cannabis?

chocoreturns · 21/04/2013 10:24

I have to say, it's either an addiction or just another form of shitty entitled behaviour. I agree for your own sake you need to make a stand. Do move out, or throw him out. Or when he has gone to work, dispose of the gaming equipment.

If you go for the last option, have someone with you at home (a male friend, your dad?) when he gets back. If it's an addiction, he may well lose it completely if you dispose of the xbox or whatever. However, if it is witnessed by a third party a) you'll be protected from him having a rage, and b) he won't be able to play it down later. Breaking the cycle of addiction might give you a chance of sorting it out, but he needs to be willing to give up the game completely. An hour a night won't cut it - just like a glass of wine with dinner doesn't do it for an alcoholic!

Whatever you do I think you need to make it quite a statement so that he notices and listens to what you are saying. Otherwise the only option is to walk away, which may or may not be for the best - you would no doubt be fine (I am a happy single mum!) but if you still want to try and work it out I'd try and give him a reality check about his 'relationship' with this machine.

ie: You shouldn't be in a relationship with a machine!

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 21/04/2013 10:43

Now he wants to talk but I'm not in the mood now tbh. He said he's had time to think about why he's been behaving the way he has. I'm not interested right now. I know he's not going to say he's been a selfish arse and sorry, he'll be a better partner and dad. He's just going to try and justify himself and I'm too tired to listen.

I feel like messaging all his friends on that fucking game and telling them I'm going to leave him because of it. Difference is they're mostly all single and no dcs so they wouldn't understand

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