Shitty boring relationship

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

That's it really. My relationship is shitty and boring and I feel so deflated I can't even cry. I have a baby ds who is a four months old.

My partner is a nice guy but just seems so uninterested in me.
This is a week in my life, he goes to work , I sah with ds, he comes home watches an hour of telly with us while eating , I take ds to bed and then P goes on his game from 9-1am every night. Last night he came to bed at 3am.

Today it was glorious weather, I took ds out for a lovely long walk followed by lunch in town, P stayed in I did ask if he wanted to come. I come home and he watches football for 2 hours, when that finishes asks if I minded if he played his game.

What is this, seriously?! My relationship is shit. I'm withholding sex now as I feel like, why should I sleep with him if he won't even watch a film with me?

There's no quality time for us. He's not interested. I feel myself falling out of love when it should be a great time with my new family :(

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

If I told my my mum, she would defend him.

I'm 27 he's 33.

No cannabis or drugs

[BicBiro]

so you've been here before then. and you left and suddenly he got bored of the game and became available... and so the cycle goes on.

today he knows you've reached your limit and so all of a sudden he's nice and available to talk!

its completely all on his terms. your feelings dont count until he decides they do.

he sounds completely juvenile and a typical push-pull game player. you cant change this, only he can.

i'd accidently pour (several) glasses of coke over the console and then leave.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Oh, girlwiththelionheart

What an idiot. I'd feel like crap if I'd had a kid with someone who was more interested in screen time than the relationship.

You sound like you actually have a lot to give, are fiery & fun...and yes, wasted on him if he can't appreciate that.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why would your mother want to defend someone like this person in the first place?. Perhaps because she herself ended up with the same loser type or recognises herself in him?. I would argue that you learnt a lot of damaging crap about relationships when growing up and all that needs to be unlearnt.

This man is also an appalling role model for a Dad.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You two should not be together at all. Don't stay within this any longer than you have to, you need to make plans to get out.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

I really think I'm going to ask him to leave this time. I can't keep doing this,

[TheOrchardKeeper]

No one would blame you! (on here anyway).

That's no way to live and too little too late i'd imagine.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

He's just don't exactly as I thought.

He's said he wants more control at home as he has none. He wants to be able to do what he wants without guilt from me. That's what he said. I said I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't want to be with me and how sad that I have to bargain with him to be nice and not distant with me.

Such a beautiful day and this is my life. I'm going to have a shower and take my ds out to see his great grandma and go to the park.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

We just clash over this every time. It'll keep happening so what's the point? He's so stubborn he would throw his family away over it. So let him. See how happy he is when he can do what he likes but there's no one to care.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

Thanks orchard :(

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Good plan. It's really lovely here! Sorry it's gone this way for you but the end of one chapter is always the start of another cheesy but true

[Loulybelle]

We here for hand holding if you do, if hes not willing to be part of the family, then he shouldnt get the perks.

[Loulybelle]

Thing is, he does what he wants anyway, he doesnt give a shiney shite about your feelings, tell him "Have it your way, but we wont be around"

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

EXACTLY LB!! I've just spent an hour saying that til blue in the face!! He doesn't get his, his skull is too thick.

I'm off out to meet my sister in the park now, I know I'm going to burst into tears when I see her. She's always said she wants me to be happy even if it means leaving him. Thanks for hand hold, I need it x

[ladyjadie]

You deserve someone who wouldn't ignore you for a computer game, or paint you as the controlling nag when it's clearly him who has the shortcomings. If he is addicted, he won't give up easily and only if / when he wants to. You sound desperately unhappy in a relationship that, right now, is not fulfilling your needs. If he won't listen and hear what you need and isn't bothered to make happy family memories in favour of staring at a screen for hours, I think in the long run you would be happier without him.

[themightyfandango]

My DH was like this during my first pregnancy and when our DS was born. He became totally fixated on a PC game when I desperately wanted to do baby stuff and to the point of ignoring the midwives and well wishers who visited whilst he was on paternity leave two week long gaming session . Like you I became quite depressed about the situation and couldn't understand it as we were newly married and he had been very excited about ttc but the minute he saw the blue line things changed.
Twelve years and 3Ds's later I understand better. My DH has strong Aspergers traits, I had never heard of the condition at this point but fast forward a few years to 2 of my sons being diagnosed as being on the spectrum I now get it.
Basically it was his way of coping with the shock and change (not ideal I know). By the time Ds1 was 6-12 months old he had improved a lot and when the next two came along he was much more confident and hands on. He's not perfect but he is a pretty good dad these days.
Obviously your situation may be totally different and I am not suggesting your DH is on the spectrum but just advising to hang on in there, keep encouraging him to get involved, bite your tongue if has a go with baby stuff but not to your standards (not easy I know). Things might just improve.
One of the things that attracted me to my DH was his stability and yes he can err on the side of dull at times but he has a lot of reedeming features too and is incredibly loyal.
I hope things improve for you.

[JCDenton]

Basically what MadBusLady said. It's not the game, it's him. It's his choice to ignore you, nobody is chaining him to the keyboard. I think that I play games a lot and I can't get more than 5/6 hours a week in lately because of real life things (both the important and fun types), and I don't regard myself as a very busy person. 4+ hours a day is ridiculous.

[Mosman]

Mine used to be on the play station til all hours too, only of course he wasn't he was online dating instead. You need to go to bed together even if one of you sits up and reads all this staying up into the night crap is a recipe god disaster. Thru start looking at porn and then the dating stuff pops up on the screen, it's the road to ruin.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

I don't think he's on dating sites as I can hear him talking to his friends while gaming. You never know though, I guess.

We talked last night after I had been out all day. He said he realises he's on the computer and iPhone too much and will calm it down. He's downloaded a box set for us to watch all week and arranged for us to go away on Saturday to Cambridge (always wanted to go).

I'm going to work on it for ds' sake and I hope he grows up a bit.

fandango I honestly think he has aspergers, as does he! The things he said about control, plus he is very ritualistic. Once he starts something he has to finish it until he moves on. Do you have any useful links so I can read up on it?

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I hope he means what he says and is going to cut it down and keep it down gwtlh .

Good luck!

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

Thank you, I really hope we can work things out. I'm glad he's acknowledged himself he was playing too much. If he were to keep denying, there would be no point in arguing.

[Loulybelle]

You should agree an a limit of how much he plays it, playing it is not the issue, its the ignoring you and DS, if you can both agree a limit on it, then he can play sometimes and you get the attention you want.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Would not necessarily pin "Aspergers" on him because you have no idea at all whether he is on the ASD spectrum or not. Not does he because presumably he has never been assessed to see if he is anywhere on the autistic spectrum. It cannot be used as an excuse for his actions. My guess fwiw is that he is not and that he is just being an arse towards you because he can.

Many people desperately try and work out exactly why their partner is behaving in such ways towards them hence you thinking of AS. Such thinking is damaging. He may equally not be anywhere on the spectrum at all, you need to bear that thought in mind as well.

If he did cut down and then over time built back up his gaming time then what for you?. That is not an unlikely scenario.

Look at his actions going forward, not just listen to his words. What sort of example is he setting to his child?.

[themightyfandango]

There are lots of online resources about ASDs, the National Autistic Association website is a good one. It might be an interesting read for you, however perhaps don't read too much into it at the moment as you could tie yourself in knots thinking about it. A lot of people have aspergic traits without necessarily meeting the full critera for Aspergers.
I totally understand the absolutely having to finish one task before moving on to another. The inflexibility drives me crazy sometimes. If we go anywhere where you are given a guide map (theme park, stately home etc) not going round in exact order will cause him a lot of stress.
Like I said before though he does have a lot of good points and I try to focus on those. I feel bad saying this but the most effective way of dealing with him is sometimes treating him as a fourth child, lots of routine, clear instruction and trying to be brisk and relentlessly positive in situations he finds difficult.
I hope you find a way forward, fwiw my DH seems to have found his children a lot more interesting as they got older and could do shared stuff. I think a lot of men can be like this.

[themightyfandango]

Sorry meant Society not Association. I think it is nas.org.uk