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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DV issues - I prefer to not get involved but should I

27 replies

Operafan · 17/04/2013 19:44

Local mother is pretty upfront about how volatile her husband can be. She has been open about the fact that he pushes her about but maintained it was "just" pushing and not hitting. I have heard from someone else that recently he bruised her throat so badly she couldnt go out for a couple of weeks (suspect this is not the first time as I have wondered sometimes when she has worn a polo neck jumper in the summer)

I used to chat to her about it and have given her loads of practical advice but over time when I could see it was distressing her children and she still did nothing I have drawn back from speaking to her about it.

On one occasion her son hit his head, he was 10, she felt he should go to hospital her H said no so he didnt go.

She thinks that by telling the children to go to their rooms she is protecting them but one is turning into an unpleasant clone of his father and the other is self harming. Secondary school are aware of the self harming, will they have notified someone that these children are at risk, ideally I do not want to get involved but I have discussed it with another friend and we would hate something horrible to happen and not have done anything.

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 17/04/2013 19:57

You used to be able to phone the NSPCC anonymously and they would take it up. Not quite as drastic as social services.

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 20:01

You can also call social services and ask your comments to be anonymous. Or maybe you could chat with the teacher? They may have their concerns but might not be as aware of everything as you.

Original poster
Operafan · 17/04/2013 20:03

What I dont want is for anyone to go marching in and make the violence worse as they cant stay there all the time can they.

Is there any such thing as an anonymous phone call any more?

I do feel that he is going to kill her in the end and I dont want him to know it was me as I know he has guns and knives.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 17/04/2013 20:09

Re the mum, not a lot you can do - she's the only one who can do anything (unless you witnessed the DV or heard raised voices etc - dial 999)

Re the kids, if school is aware of the situation they should have informed all the safeguarding services. If you are aware of DV, neglect against the kids phone the school and or SS.

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 20:10

I rang SS a while ago about a DV situation - it was in the end obvious it was me as there were things only very few people knew about, but the social worker was happy to keep my name private.

Would her DH guess it was you?

Original poster
Operafan · 17/04/2013 20:13

Im not sure, he always liked me and wasted a lot of time charming me Hmm its just become more and more difficult for me to be pleasant to him and to deal with her. I dont understand how she can put her nice house over the welfare of the children (which is her reason for not leaving)

OP posts:
Original poster
Operafan · 17/04/2013 20:16

I wouldnt phone school, small community everyone knows everyone else so I wouldnt feel confident that it would be kept private.

I am wondering if the counsellor at school would have referred it on then

OP posts:
EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 17/04/2013 20:17

You really need to report it to social services, the children are not safe.

Regarding reporting to nspcc - what do people think the point is? They are a charity with no child protection remit under the law. If they feel it is abusive they will refer to social services themselves so it's only putting one imaginary buffer between you and the referral.

forumdonkey · 17/04/2013 20:22

Just phone the school and ask to speak with their CPLT/ Safeguarding Officer - you don't have to give your name just express your concerns. If school has had any concerns they have a duty of care and safeguarding procedures they will have had to follow.

Original poster
Operafan · 17/04/2013 20:22

You know I did google it first all I kept getting was crimestoppers and NSPCC.

Would be interested if anyone with experience could give me some insight (as you can tell I am a little skittish over this)

OP posts:
flippinada · 17/04/2013 20:23

I think you really need to be brave here and report to SS, for the kids sake.

I don't say this lightly as it's something I have done myself (and agonised over).

It's really chilling that he wouldn't let her take her DS for medical treatment when he injured himself.

Original poster
Operafan · 17/04/2013 20:24

Could I send an anonymous written outline to CPLT/safeguarding?

OP posts:
flippinada · 17/04/2013 20:26

When I reported, I put down all my concerns in an email, as I knew that I would get stressed and garble if I did it over the phone, and wouldn't miss anything out. I gave my contact details and a lovely social worker called me back for a chat. I don't want to give details for obvious reasons but the outcome was as positive as could be hoped for.

Have a look on your local council website and see if this is a possibility.

forumdonkey · 17/04/2013 20:26

Unless this man is physically violent with the children I doubt much will be done other maybe family intervention. Sad but true especially if the mum won't make a complaint against him. Having said that, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do nothing.

flippinada · 17/04/2013 20:27

Yes, I would do that. Have a look on the council website under child protection.

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 20:28

I can't give you any further experience other than ringing SS, but can tell you I was shitting it at the time. I've never for one moment regretted it though.

Even though I only had second hand info, my concerns being on file meant that when things kicked off later on, the authorities were right on the case and ready to step in immediately.

Original poster
Operafan · 17/04/2013 20:29

flippinada what did you search for and was it district council or county?

OP posts:
Original poster
Operafan · 17/04/2013 20:29

crossed with you - child protection, thanks.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 17/04/2013 20:32

OP send a letter anonymously, despite it being unsigned it should still be investigated. If you are going down that route. I would suggest that you send it to school as they know and see the kids on a daily basis and will know background on them. They probably will inform or update any agencies involved or known to the family.

flippinada · 17/04/2013 20:35

I'm in Scotland so I looked under my city council and found it there.

Good luck to you. I understand what a stomach churning experience it is. You're doing the right thing.

Original poster
Operafan · 17/04/2013 20:35

Ok so maybe to school and council? I have concerns that child 1 will eventually hurt himself and child 2 someone else.

(sigh) so general consensus is I need to do this...shit, I hate being a grown up!

OP posts:
Backinbelfast · 17/04/2013 20:38

Try Womens Aid helpline

flippinada · 17/04/2013 20:44

That's a good idea, Women's Aid can offer advice, although I'm not sure what, if anything, they can do.

I would start with the letter/email to SS.

I sincerely wish you the best Opera, and yes sometimes it sucks being a grown up!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2013 20:53

Opera

You are in truly an uneviable position here but there are two children here who have seen and are seeing DV here so their interests are paramount. Children after all learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents, these two children sound like they have a whole host of emotional problems to start with stemming from their parents dysfunctional relationship. If their parents are failing them then someone needs to act. If not you, who will say something?. Bad things happen when good people stand by and do nothing.

Would suggest you speak to Social Services and the child protection team in the first instance.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 17/04/2013 20:58

If you can manage, it's best to give your name and ask to remain anonymous rather than send a completely anonymous letter. Evidence that can be attributed to a source is given more credence than anonymous tip offs. Not that ss won't believe your letter but they cannot treat the information as reliable as they receive so many malicious referrals and they tend to be anonymous in that sense.