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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are you allowed to be upset when your obviously not the favored offspring?

33 replies

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill · 17/04/2013 14:31

That really...

OP posts:
DogEgg · 17/04/2013 15:16

Yes and you're also allowed to ask why any parent would make a child feel unfavoured.

IBlameThePenguins · 17/04/2013 15:20

Not in my family you're not... It just makes you even 'harder work!' Sad

StephaniePowers · 17/04/2013 15:21

Oh yes.

It's a horrible thing Sad

freemanbatch · 17/04/2013 15:37

you're allowed to be upset because its a horrible way to be made to live but they will never accept you have the right to be upset by it because if they give you permission to be upset at them then they have to accept they should change their behaviour and they don't want to do that.

DogEgg · 17/04/2013 15:44

It's a good question to ask yourself though........If I had asked myself that years ago I would have saved myself decades of trying to win favour from parents who were unable to give it.

I wish I'd asked my brother too. My parents consistently and secretly made both he and I believe the other was the favoured child - they managed to carry that off for 44 years until my brother said to me the week my Mother died "You were always their favourite of course." Tyres scream to a halt - hang on a minute...........complete rethink of a lifetime of spite, jealousy, lies and a lost relationship with a brother I've spend a lifetime quietly resenting.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/04/2013 17:13

How obvious is 'obviously'? When it comes to sibling rivalry or favouritism it's very easy to feel hard done by IME. I had an example only this week where DM was on the phone saying how my 'poor DB' was 'struggling' to buy a new house and how she was thinking of giving him a chunk of cash. The old me would have been fairly cross - he's always painted as the helpless one in need of money special treatment. The new me simply pointed out that he needed to lower his ambitions and look for something a bit cheaper. She put the cheque book away.... :)

Life's too short...

Andro · 17/04/2013 17:19

Yes you are, just don't expect the parent doing the favouring to admit their behaviour is/was wrong.

My mother favours my brothers, my father compensates by having a singles set of standards (academic and behavioral) in which there is no leeway - neither is ideal but at least my father offers the same support to all his children. The result is that I hate my brothers completely and don't trust them at all...my dc are never permitted to be alone with either of them.

greeneyed · 17/04/2013 17:20

Yes, and even more upsetting when your siblings children are the favoured grandchildren :(

LastMangoInParis · 17/04/2013 17:27

Aware of the fact that you're not the favoured one? Of course.
Upset? Yes, if you think it will help you.
I think in all families there's a 'favoured child'. I think people used to be quite open about this, it didn't used to be taboo as it is now, so (so the theory goes...) everyone knew their place and got on with it. Shock
Which might be more productive than years of resentment, self-pity and trying to change things that will most likely always, always be denied by parents, favoured sibling, etc.
Also, I think there are certain advantages to not being the 'favoured one'.

Original poster
MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill · 17/04/2013 17:37

I do get on with it, ninety percent of the time, but then there are just moments of having the rug pulled out from under your feet.
I'm sure by tommorow, it will not be effecting me the way it is today.
But thank you for the validation, it helps to know that other people get where I am coming from.

OP posts:
kneedeepindaisies · 17/04/2013 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kneedeepindaisies · 17/04/2013 17:45

Forgot to say he doesn't have much to do with his siblings if he can help it but don't know if that is directly related to the favouritism.

Andro · 17/04/2013 17:59

Also, I think there are certain advantages to not being the 'favoured one'.

Sure there are. I went to a top notch private boarding school and had the best education available, I spent a lot of holidays with friends and extended family during my secondary school years, and on the rare occasions I was at my parents' house I had no curfew as long as my chores were done. I was free!

OTOH; when one of my brothers thought it would be funny to hide cheese in my meal because he wanted to see the reaction I had, I went to hospital alone and spent 3 days in ICU without a single visit from my mother because the twins 'needed her more than I did' (my father was away and went ballistic when he found out). All the freedom in the world doesn't make up for the knowledge that your own mother doesn't care enough to make sure you're going to be okay, she didn't even punish the brother who doped my food because 'it was just a prank'!

TomArchersSausage · 17/04/2013 18:12

Sad I've spent a long time trying to figure out mil in regard to this. I thought I might understand when I had children of my own but now I'm even more flummoxed by some of the things that have gone on in dh's family.

He doesn't seem concerned but keeps them at an emotional distance. They reap what they've sown in that respect. A shame.

lolaflores · 17/04/2013 18:14

Be upset. as others have said, don;t let it fester, you are really the only one losing out as the rest of them trip off into the sunset none the wiser. My mother doesn't care. never has. at 45 I am starting to get to grips with that bugger of an idea but regret the time I have lost fretting and shedding tears about someone who is who they are, deeply damaged and really unable to change. she does her best, but meh. i can do better

Betrayedbutsurvived · 17/04/2013 18:16

Yup greeneyed, I stopped caring about DSis being the favourites years ago, but it still breaks my heart when my now adult DD has some exciting news and she asks "shall I bother telling grandma"

StephaniePowers · 17/04/2013 18:23

How does one just not care, though? I've never mastered that skill.
What is the method?

juneau · 17/04/2013 18:26

Not in my family, no. My DM has always favoured my sister and if I've ever commented about it she just says 'No I don't', but in the most unconvincing and uncomfortable way that screams 'Of course I prefer her, but I hate being called out on it'.

I comfort myself with the fact that I get on much better with my DF (who shows no preference to our faces and I'm sure loves us equally, but I think would probably agree, if pushed, that he and I get on better - we're just more alike).

ohshutup · 17/04/2013 18:27

depends how old you are , if you are an adult GROW UP already .

sweetkitty · 17/04/2013 18:33

Yes you are allowed as I allow myself to get upset sometimes by my EA mother who has always favoured my younger brother.

My crime was to be born without a penis and be academically cleverer than my brother.

I have had no contact with her for 4 years as I didn't want her poison around my DCs.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 17/04/2013 18:38

You are allowed to be upset about anything which upsets you.

Working out why and what to do about it is a whole other kettle of fish!

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 17/04/2013 18:40

Being upset is perfectly reasonable but will do no good. My mother STILL favours my brother and makes every allowance going for his rude behaviour, sulkiness, and other behaviours that she would not tolerate in me or my sister.

His nickname naturally is "Prod".

lolaflores · 17/04/2013 19:02

It is my DD2's birthday today, she is six. not one of the fuckers have rang or made any attempt to call and wish her the best. That hurts more than them not caring about me.
As to how not to care? MMmmmm. Loving yourself a bit more should make up the deficit in my experience and constructing a barrier high enough to keep them from getting over or under. It takes a while. But it is worth doing it. It will hurt alot at first, alot. You just want a normal family but you got what you got and it will only continue to hurt you. best start slowly by not expecting what you want. Just accept what it is for what it is and then create what you need. I am still working on it, but I am feeling the benefit (slightly). Everyone finds their own way to it.
Ohshutup you should do what it says on the tin my lovely

DeckSwabber · 17/04/2013 19:04

In my experience the 'favoured' child often suffers more damage in the long term, including inability to cope with failures. They grow up with no resilience, and unrealistic expectations.

Startail · 17/04/2013 19:16

Grin my totally spoilt uncle is an annoying selfish git, he annoys his wife and he certainly annoys my cousins (his DCs)