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Original poster

Broody but relationship is deteriorating

52 replies

bordellosboheme · 16/04/2013 08:48

I am 36 and have one ds of 17 months. I have left this motherhood think late but LOVE it and now passionately want a decent sized family. Ds pregnancy was perfect but his birth was extremely traumatic, due to hie, meconium aspiration and born flat and had to be hypothermically cooled for 72 hours and separated from me for 10 days in an incubator. He is now the nicest toddler you would like to meet, and has come through pretty much unscathed, apart from some high frequency hearing loss, for which he will need a hearing aid.

I would love another child, by my relationship with my dh has deteriorated quite badly - I think through lack of sleep on my part, lack of time to spend together, we have always been a bit argumentative (but never in front of ds). He also has problems showing me emotion and sleeps in a loft room (never in my bed) this is largely his choice, but it also works with cosleeping. He uses the fact I would like another baby against me in an argument and says 'but we never sleep together' (his choice)

I feel torn. Part of me feels I should leave and start again, plan an escape strategy and cut my loses, but what if I don't meet anyone else before age 40.... Also I don't like the complexity involved in two different fathers if I can avoid it (though I know loads of people make it work well).

Has anyone experienced this. How did they get through it?

OP posts:
BobblyGussets · 16/04/2013 22:34

Good point, MrsSpagBol.

The Dc(s) will grow up and leave. It is worth doing a bit of "maintenance" on the relationship if you are just going through a difficult patch.

I couldn't bear my DH when I was crazed with sleep deprivation. I remember feeling hatred and that was as well as all the irritation with competitive tiredness and other smaller things.

Now we are through it, we are back to being "best friends", where a look or a twitch of the corner of the mouth from one of us can set the other off in fits of laughter, where we want the same things and still feel we have so much in common and such similar tastes.

It is hard to maintain interest in your partner when you have a new little one you are busy with. Give it time OP, take a deep breath and do some more thinking. Be kind to each other.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 17/04/2013 11:03

Thank you for these lovely replies.

You are right we need to work really hard on the marriage. I feel I am working Reaaly hard and pulling more than my weight but dh is a moody git and I really can't say anything right. I spend a lot of my time 'biting my lip' to keep the peace in front of ds. But I don't want him to sense an atmosphere. I guess we need relate or something.

Lol at obem thanksforthat..... I'm a sucker for those programmes. Sorry about your miscarriage. It sounds like you are raising a cracker.... I always wanted to be an only child growing up!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 17/04/2013 11:04

Bobblygussets..... How long did it take you to 'like' your dh again?????

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 17/04/2013 11:05

Qumquat that's very reassuring Smile

OP posts:
Ilovechorizo · 17/04/2013 12:24

Hi there,

I just wanted to say a qick hello to say thatI feel in a very similar position to you. I think that when you have young children it is so easy for a relationship to suffer..I hope that this is just a stage and that my wife and I can get through the other side.. ;)

BobblyGussets · 17/04/2013 12:49

I can't remember OP. It was like we "forced" it by remembering to do kind things for each other and keeping an open dialogue.

I understand your feelings a bit more now you said DH was moody. You need to talk. Sulking won't work. If there is something wrong, say so. It doesn't have to be a row, if you are both polite to each other (even if you want to strangle DH) and nobody is outrageous about anything.
Can you talk without it escalating?

I feel for you OP; I think my DH was then one who felt he couldn't do anything right because I was so temperamental, but for you, as well as being the sleep deprived one, your DH is moody. That must be hard, so go easy on yourself.

Should anyone, when times are hard in a marriage and they are struggling, have to bite their lip?

He needs to be asked to talk nicely and politely to you. That sounds very basic and superficial I know, but it might just open the way to starting a civilised dialogue that might go some way towards bringing you together.

Keep talking to us, we want to help.

SkinnyLove · 17/04/2013 16:59

Just to butt in....my husband and i have found it easier deali g with newborn and toddler if we can sleep apart only when we are shattered...he misses the closeness and is happier if a bit less rested when we sleep together....can you reconsider sleeping arrangements? Im perfectly happy sleeping alone but he ends up feeling rejected.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 18/04/2013 16:28

Thanks things were a bit better last night. We had a cuddle (shock horror) and he explained that his reservations about a second dc are:

House too small (why would you limit your family because of a small house, just move!)
His freedom (to be fair he is out several nights and days pursuing his hobbies so he is not doing badly the)
The fact he doesn't think we're very stable ATM.... Catch 22
The fact he's nearly 50 (47 actually).

What do people think of these reasons.... Are they 'reasonable' or not??

OP posts:
SkinnyLove · 18/04/2013 16:58

I think the final reason is the most reasonable....im not allowed a third because of DHs age (just 40) and i get it..its exhausting. my sister in in the same situation as you - shes determined to have a second but we privately dont think its a great idea as he is...47 too. Depends. If he would be too tired to do it all again, you cant force it IMO as long term you would end up with a heluva lot of resentment esp in the first difficult few months.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 18/04/2013 17:12

Skinnylove, he's a pretty young 47..... Still does loads of adrenaline type sports ;)

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 18/04/2013 17:50

I think his reasons are reasonable because it is how he feels. I'm a bit taken aback that you would ask our opinion on that, if I'm honest.

It isn't a catch 22. It is not just because of your desire for another child thatvthings are rocky. It is because they are rocky. Don't bring another child into this, and don't subject your existing boy to this.

2 children really do pile the strain on. It is much more a case of " all hands on deck". If you aren't a unit now, 2 children will not cure that.

Sorry to be so blunt.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 18/04/2013 17:51

I agree with Bobby, too. It is not that you can't get through this, maybe you can, but focussing on another baby wisn't the way to go about it

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 18/04/2013 18:39

Jamie if you're sorry to be so blunt then why be blunt? Wink
I was asking do these sound more like excuses or do they sound genuine.
What about my feelings in this? Not sure I can put up and shut up. Dh seems to have his way with everything

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 18/04/2013 18:44

Yes, sorry, i'm not sorry for being blunt.

But i am sorry that i didn't convey my concern for you. He sounds difficult and I see you are frustrated.

I am not sure what you mean by excuses? Do you mean you think he has a different agenda from what he is telling you?

lemonstartree · 18/04/2013 19:02

It doesn't matter if WE think his 'reasons' are reasonable. They are HIS reasons for not wanting a further child. FWIW I think he sounds reasonable. But its what YOU think , in response, that matters ... to me the biggest issue is that your relationship is rocky. It will be 10 x more rocky if you have a child he is not 100% committed to - no ?

Work on that, talk to each other, share your feelings...If you can be close again he may also feel more confident/comfortable about a second child...

SkinnyLove · 18/04/2013 19:12

You sound really determined.

I just don't think that anybody, man or woman, should be forced into having a baby when they don't want one. I think the age point is pretty valid....my husband looks only about 35 or so and he is full of beans - even he wouldn't want to do it again.

I really think you should listen to him as he will not change his mind the minute he claps eyes on his baby.....instead you will be dealing with a shaky relationship on top of all the other stuff.

If I sound opinionated, its because i VERY reluctantly took the morning after pill yesterday knowing my husband really doesn't want to do it again (and our baby is only five weeks old).

It might be our bodies as women but its their lives too.

Squitten · 18/04/2013 19:14

Unfortunately, having children is not about who is right or whose feelings matter more. He is not obliged to give you a child to make you happy if he doesn't want one.

Your emphasis is all wrong IMO. You seem to want to make him agree to have the child and then fix all the other stuff when it should be the other way around. If you want another child ASAP, i would recommend that you put a lot of that enthusiasm into fixing whatever is wrong with your marriage.

When you are a better couple, he will likely feel much more positive about having more kids.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 18/04/2013 19:15

Oh Skinny, that's hard.

5 weeks!

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 18/04/2013 19:22

I'm crying and so upset over this. Blunt relies don't help, even if they are meant to. I'm going to leave him a note and disappear tomorrow. I have never felt sadder and more depressed in my entire life.

OP posts:
ithaka · 18/04/2013 19:23

Do NOT worry about the age gap. The age gap is probably irrelevant to the fact you don't get on with your sibling - many siblings who are close in age have no relationship as adults.

There is a 5 year gap between DH and his sister and we are all going holiday together this year (both have families). We did the same a couple of years ago and it was great - so an age gap does not define your relationship as adults.

A baby can be like a bomb lobbed into a marriage and 17 months is no time really. Work on marriage first and foremost so you can reassess whether you wish to stay together and then think about another child.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 18/04/2013 19:27

Oh bordello

No idea you are feeling so desperate. It is hard to convey tone on here.

Please don't do anything rash.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 18/04/2013 20:06

OP?

BobblyGussets · 18/04/2013 23:02

We want to help Bordellos. These words aren't intended to upset and it sounds as if you are still not getting a full night's uninterupted sleep. I would (and did) cry because of that alone.
17 months is no age really, still a baby to me.

Don't go away crying, no-one wants to put the boot into you.

Keep talking to your DH and to us Bordellos

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 19/04/2013 04:40

Me tooBobby. Sleep deprivation is terrible

OP I am so sorry - I was too blunt yesterday. You are in the middle of such a stressful time and I had forgotten what that feels like.

Hope you can talk to your DH.

BobblyGussets · 19/04/2013 11:53

shine your magic torch into the thread corners Jamie to find Boredellos, so she'll come back.

Swipe left for the next trending thread