Am I being silly or should do something about this?

[TTCmay]

I am wondering whether I am making something out of nothing or whether I am being silly not to act on this

I am 33 weeks pregnant. Other than conception, my partner has been away during this pregnancy (military). He is now out and got back home a month ago (this was always the plan).

my partner is aggressive - this has been worse since I have been pregnant. Not physically, but emotionally he uses his presence to shout and undermine me and to then make me feel like it is all my fault (I can at least see this and it is his responsibility to control his anger).

He always said this was because of the environment he is in (ie war zone). However, he is back now (for good) and the shouting and domineering is worse than ever.

I am starting to struggle due to my size/tiredness. This is my second child (first together) and I am doing 95% of the chores around the house (I a currently working, he is about to start a new job). After 8 hours of me cleanning on saturday (while he sat on his bum relaxing) I put my back out. However he was amazing- gave me a massage and said that I need to slow down and that he would help. However he didn't help at all and by Monday when he still had done nothing around the house, I said he needs to pull his weight and that he was lazy. Apparently this was completely unacceptable so after going to the pub for 6 hours in the afternoon (on a Monday- He drinks too much) he said:

• he wishes I was not pregnant and does not want the baby (this baby was planned, and followed 2 miscarriages that I had to deal with on my own last year).
• that I make his life miserable and that he has never been so unhappy
• said he is breaking up with me and that he would move out in the morning. I said to him to go there and then but he wouldn't.
• said I was mental and a lunatic
• said i wasn't a good parent and that he was a better parent
• he also said something along the line of 'if you were a bloke I'd like to batter you right now'. I said I felt threatened by this but for some reason in reality I don't
• having sex repulses him and all he is thinking is that he wishes it was over (not how it appears at the time...)
• for some reason he mocked the failure of my marriage to my ex (divorced 5 yrs ago) saying I must have driven him away as I am mental and controlling (ex cheated so I left).

I am pretty confident that he will wake up this morning and realise he is an idiot and was drunk. I am heading off to work soon (not slept..) I would be very Surprised if I come back tonight and he is gone.

The thing is, I am pregnant with his child and can't bear to break up this family without trying... However this is really only the latest episode. I just can't have another failed relationship-my marriage (resulting in DC) ended when DC was 3 weeks and I can't bear the thought of repeating history.

I'm thinking of trying to co-exist for the next couple of months. Until baby comes. But Other than holding the family together I can see this seems strange to try - Emotionally he is a bully (although At rare times he is amazingly supportive), physically I am doing virtually everything, and currently he is not contributing financially (he had money stuff to sort out and now he is back is saying he will start contributing once he starts work).

But I love him. We are not married but are engaged. However other than the proposal a year ago there has been little discussion about getting married and I will not get married with things like this.

I have a midwife app this week and am thinking of mentioning to her how I am struggling and getting no support (quite the opposite).

Are you being silly? Well excuse my bluntness but you are plain barking mad to even consider a future with this horrible man. Amazing indeed. Aggressive, selfish, untrustworthy, unloving, entitled. What is there to love?

Get out of this relationship now.

You are not silly at all, he sounds aggressive and unstable, please speak to your Midwife, Woman's Aid and whoever else you can.

Do you have family close by?

I got as far as "he is aggressive"

I don't need to read any more.

No, you're not being silly. And no, it's not the military. An ex partner of mine was military and was, and still is, the most gentle human being I have ever had the good luck to spend time with. Don't let him use that as an excuse. Not all soldiers go home and shout at their partners. #

You need to get out of this while you still can. Seriously.

He sounds awful. He won't change. I'm so sorry this is happening.

Can he get some sort of 'readjusting to civilian live' counselling through the army? I have heard they take this very seriously...

I don't think you can stay unless something changes very significantly. If he were to admit that he is totally out of order and try to do something about his feelings (about you, civilian life, fatherhood, etc.) then maybe it has a future but you can't stay just for the sake of 'giving it a go' with things like they are.

Just a small aside though - if you'd cleaned for 8 hours on Saturday what was needing done by Monday? [Not that it excuses his behaviour at all, just checking that you don't have slightly over-zealous housework ideals].

If he is already being such a bastard now, he will only be worse when he is being kept awake by a baby, believe me.

I didn't want to read and run. I'm sure your going to get lots of great advice and support on here soon.

I don't see how you can just live together because his behavior will never change. When he gets drunk what's stopping a repeat performance of last night? You need to think of yourself, your DC and baby, is this that best place for you all together?

He sounds increasingly dangerous OP. I'm a little worried for your safety. At the very least your emotional & mental wellbeing

If you are determined not to break up the family, it might be time to insist on some action from him that demonstrates he feels the same way. He could have PTSD I suppose, & that's his issue to resolve

Good luck & please be very careful. His actions are speaking louder than his words on this for me

Had you lived together as a family at all before he came out of the military?

How does he treat your other child?

I don't think, in all the years, and under various user names I've posted in relationships I've ever felt the stronger need to do a LTB post.

OP, you will be OK, and you haven't failed. How can being strong and saying no, I will not give you the power over me to treat me like that, and then walking away from abuse like you've described above (and trust me, he hasn't hit you yet but if what you say is true then it really is a matter of time) make you a failure? It doesn't, it makes you stronger than you can imagine. It will be hard but you'll have the power of MN behind you. Something which that bastard will not have factored in with all his macho strutting.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee. This twat is abusive, aggressive, manipulating and will never change.

I feel desperately sad for your current child, how must they feel that you have foistered on them this bully. How long will it be before your child becomes his victim, if they are not already.

Why on earth can you not 'break up this family'. There is no family to break up. This is not family life, this is mentally and emotionally abusive.

Why do you love him? I can see nothing to love, your self esteem must be so low that you actually think being abused in this way is acceptable. It might be for you but it definitely isnt for your children. Get rid of him now.

Bumping this up to see how you are today OP?

What happened yesterday?

There are massive red flags waving right under your nose here OP. You need to get him out now, and give yourself time to get sorted before your baby is born.

I've never said 'LTB' to anyone, but his behaviour is not the behaviour of a loving, caring partner. You deserve better, and although life as a LP will be tough, a relationship with an abusive man will be tougher.

I know you said you love him, but love is not enough.

"I just can't have another failed relationship-my marriage (resulting in DC) ended when DC was 3 weeks and I can't bear the thought of repeating history".

What is there exactly to love about such an inherently damaged individual; your love alone cannot save such a person, only he can help his own self and he chooses not to.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You certainly cannot stay and it won't do your children any good either if you were to choose to. You got out last time and you can certainly do so this time around if you choose to. You need to park your misplaced pride. This time around another man is failing the relationship. He brings nothing into this except causing you pain and anguish. There is nothing to save here.

That sounds like a terrible way to live.

Op nothing changes until something changes, and I don't think it'll be him.

Also, never, ever spend 8 hours cleaning. Seriously bad for you

So, you have made it clear to him you will put up with anything to not have another failed marriage

I expect the physical violence will start quite soon, when you have expectations he will step up after baby comes (he won't, btw)

I suppose to stay together you could live with no expectations at all , constantly tread on eggshells to stop him a abusing you, turn a blind eye to his problem with alcohol and don't worry about what examples you are both setting to your children

The again, you could end this before it escalates any further

I rarely comment on these type of threads as I feel I don't have the expertise but my blood is running cold at your description of your partners behaviour - as others have said it is very very likely he will escalate his behaviour to physical violence very soon . Please make yourself, your child and your unborn child safe, please. Have you got family you can go to? Please get away from this man.

You need to put your children first.

Is he aggressive infront of dc1?

To be honest even if he is lovely to the children it doesnt matter...they are still learning thay this 'family' is the way relationships should be.

It is not.

Speak to the families officer and see if you can get support, he might be traumatised or he might just be a complete arsehole. Either way you need support from the army so your not dealing with him on your own

OP he's a dud.
He's an inadequate, abusive dud.

Please think about going it alone. No man is worth that heartache. He's absolutely horrible!!

As for 'am I being silly?'...

No...you're not being 'silly'...you're being abused.

As the wife of an ex serviceman who saw a lot of combat I think it is highly likely that there may be a link between his service and his behaviour. That does NOT excuse it in any way, but there is a wealth of research that shows that the experience of being in a combat situation and also the transition to civilian life can cause serious issues.

He needs help, but not in your house. For your sake and your children's he needs to move out until he has worked through his issues.

I appreciate that many people here are saying LTB, and in most cases I would flat out agree. But most people don't go through what service personnel in combat do, and those that do don't know that they will face and have no idea how it will affect them until it happens. Again, not an excuse, just fact. How do you process true horror?

He needs to work through this with an organisation that deals with PTSD. But as I said, he needs to do that away from you.

Many here will tell you that he won't and can't change. Not to denigrate the wealth of experience and knowledge of the people who post here, but not many of them have any experience of the unique circumstances of a service family. We get briefed at homecoming about the fact that they may have nightmares, withdraw or become angry and aggressive and that we must refer them to the Medical Officer. We get these briefs because such behaviours are a known response to trauma experienced in combat. The support is there and the majority DO work through it and do return to how they used to be but it's a long road. People will say he won't change, but if his experiences changed him to be like this working through them and dealing with them with a professional can result in them returning to how they were before.

There is an excellent website with information for partners as well as the service person called www.combatstress.org.uk (can't link on phone) which explains things far better than I can. From your post I got the impression you are in the US - if that is the case then contact your local VA too.

The MOST important thing though us to get yourself safe, he needs to leave for your sake. Then he needs to get the support of professionals to work through his issues, and once that is done you can discuss moving forward as a family - if that's what you want.

If his behaviour is linked to his service it will be a long road, and you need to be aware that not all people can work through it. But many do.

I second coolaschmoola it's an out of the ordinary situation but you need to protect yourself and get others to help you, very good advice from the post above

One thing that jumps out is the way you say 'he is aggressive', not 'he has become aggressive since...' Or 'when he drinks he becomes aggressive'. You describe it as part of who he is.

Maybe you've only known him since he's done traumatic service and there's something suitable counselling can help him with, on which case he can move out, sort himself out and prove he has really changed before you consider allowing him back on a conditional basis. He owes it to himself to try.

BUT, if he 'is' this way then he is, probably always was and probably isn't going to change.

He is doing you and your children more harm than good and, from the little I understand of this, it will get worse.

I don't think your children will be impressed in future, when you say 'I just couldn't face the sense of failure and embarrassment of ending another relationship'. They will think 'really? Our safety, security and happiness mattered less to you than your pride?'. Put the children first. Their real needs, not some fictional public image of 'family'. You'll feel much more proud of yourself in five years time and forever.

Hi I am OP but different name.

Sorry for never responding.i guess I was quite shocked by how serious you all saw it, and I wasn't ready to hear "leave him".

Fast forward 9 months and I have a beautiful 6 month old baby. My partner however got worse and worse. Shouting, manipulative, blaming me for everything, drinking heavily. He never physically abused me. But he wore me down and down, made me feel rubbish.

After a final episode of drinking/disappearing before Xmas for 3 days with absolutely no contact, I had the strength to say "no more". He left and now I have taken him all his stuff. I have since found out some very concerning things that he was concealing from me.

it may be 9 months late but thankfully not "too late"

Thank you all again for your advice, I did read it often but sadly wasn't ready then to take the advice given.