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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My parents won't come to our place because....

58 replies

tostaky · 15/04/2013 22:05

After 4.5 years, my dad had the guy to tell me. At long last!
They came for the birth of Ds1 (c-section so DP did a lot of things) and....

  1. DP asked my mum for money for the hospital parking (£20 - it's London, parking is expensive especially when You've spent many hours in a&e with a 4 days old baby.)
  2. DP put the wine and the cheese away a bit too early for my dad's liking during one meal (I cannot remember)
  3. Apparently DP also have them dirty linen. (When I ask him why he and mum didn't say so they say they didn't want to disturb me as c-section + brand new baby with severe jaundice. Still I think I wouldn't have mind to ask DP to give them another bed sheet and to check it before giving it to them...)

I am really mad at my dad right now, tears etc...

I'm at theirs right now with the kids but not DP. I invited them again (despite them saying no several times over the last 4.5 years). And my dad told me that. That he would never ever come to ours again. I am welcome to his but he doesn't want to set foot in ours.

This is crazy. Do you think it is because he doesn't like DP? DP is great but maybe a bit tactless sometimes and in the past he has had to apologise about things he said that were interpreted badly by my super-sensitive parents.
Am I crazy? Should I stop seeing my parents? Should I tell DP? My dad has crushed me....HmmHmmHmm

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/04/2013 23:38

Now you see I can understand why they're pissed off.

Why exactly did he ask for money for parking when you'd been there for four days? He knew you were in there! Did he repay her?

What the hell was he doing giving them dirty sheets? Why would he do that?

It sounds as though they dislike him. What do you think of him?

Plomino · 15/04/2013 23:50

Or maybe her DH was shattered too ( wife with c section and brand new jaundiced baby remember ) and didn't realise he'd given them dirty linen ?

Maybe after hours of parking in London at 80p for 20 mins if its anywhere near Great Ormond Street , St Thomas's , or UCH , orindeed any ofthe London hospitals , he'd simply run out of change ?

And maybe he didn't feel like sitting up all night on the wine and cheese with a newborn with the potential to not be sleeping that well ?

If they think that £20 and a bit of Camembert is worth really upsetting their daughter over , then their priorities are seriously skewed . I'd be upset too , and I'm seriously thick skinned .

musickeepsmesane · 15/04/2013 23:53

Imperial are you the OPs mum??
It is horrible when parents hurt you like that tostaky. They have no right to make you feel so bad. Move on, you have your own family to love. Concentrate on them

OxfordBags · 16/04/2013 00:21

Why can't you tell him to get a grip? He's an adult, you're an adult, just because he is your father doesn't mean he's allowed to be a complete twat towards you.

My Dad has OCD and kept ringing me today fussing over some inane bollocks. I eventually told him to STFU and stop ringing. The earth did not stop turning. He did not turn to dust and crumble. He did, in fact, ring me again, half an hour later, to apologise for being a twat.

Part of the reason why your Dad is behaving this way is that he knows he has conditioned you to take his shit and not say a word to him. This will keep happening and you will keep feeling terrible and stressed and mixed-up, etc., forever. Even if he has a point (not saying he does), the way he's gone about it is disgraceful and unacceptable, and waiting so long is pathetic, laughable and nullifies any genuine right to complain he might have. He's being a baby and a bully, and if you condone it by never saying anything, expect more of the same. Sorry, but I am being tough love with you here!

If you are not going to be assertive towards him (and yes, you should be politer than I was to my Dad, but we have a relationship where it's fine to swear), then there is no point asking MN for tips. If you want a vent, brilliant, we're here for you. But if you're really asking what kind of magic spell you can weave whereby all this is fixed and your father doesn't get away with it whilst simultaneously you don't have to confront him in even the tiniest way possible, then it ain't going to happen.

garlicyoni · 16/04/2013 01:37

I just want them to come to my house for a few days.... Like a normal family

:( :( Oh, I know this feeling, tostaky. The thing is - they are not a normal family! Normal parents simply don't carry long-term grudges if the father of their sick daughter's sickly newborn fails to accommodate them to hotel standards! They are unspeakably self-centred and rude.

I'm sure they've got enough good points, too, but the point here is that their behaviour's nothing at all to do with the loveliness of your home, your DC or anything like that. It pisses them off that they didn't come first when they visited, despite everything else going on, and are still bitter about that. Which is totally, utterly, unreasonable.

Sadly there's no reasoning with unreasonable people. Let this float away like soap bubbles, and stop wondering why they don't visit. They don't put your child first, so they don't deserve to visit your lovely home :)

No need to make a scene, just accept the way it is. You know it makes sense :)

garlicyoni · 16/04/2013 01:38

smiley overkill there, sorry

garlicyoni · 16/04/2013 01:42

I do agree with Oxford, by the way, I just think there's a limit to how much parental shite one can process at a time. I may have underestimated you, in which case tell your Dad to grow up and get some manners Grin then go home and make sure you're not 'pleasing' all over the place where you should be 'asserting'.

MyShoofly · 16/04/2013 02:56

seriously fucking childish of them beyond belief and I would plainly tell them so and then not go out of my way to get to their house if that is their bitter unreasonable attitude....4.5 years over 20 bucks and some cheese. good lord.

MyShoofly · 16/04/2013 03:00

really Imperial? really? who cares if they like him....he's the OPs DH and their grand children's father FFS.

StupidFlanders · 16/04/2013 04:34

Give him the money. Ask dh to pick you up. Shake your head in disbelief.

sashh · 16/04/2013 05:45

(ds1 has asked me several time why they never come)

Let ds1 phone them and invite them.

They sound like loons. Mine visit but refuse to give me an ETA. I'm not bothered about them being at an exact time but sometime between midday and 11pm I think they could narrow down.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2013 07:00

"I just want them to come to my house for a few days.... Like a normal family"

But your parents are not "normal" are they. More like toxic and self absorbed. Its not your fault they are like this.

Why are you at theirs anyway, you still seem to be seeking their approval, approval they will never give you by the way. Such people as well never apologise for their actions nor take any responsibility for them.

Do you have FOG with regards to your parents; fear, obligation, guilt?.

What do you get out of a relationship with them?.

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/04/2013 07:31

With their behaviour I wouldn't want them to come my house. I'd consider this a result.

Original poster
tostaky · 16/04/2013 13:34

so my dad did not apologise. status quo, we ignore each other. im dreading the 40mins drive to the station. in the past when he hurt me, he'd apologise... maybe he has changed, for worse...

For the £20, DS went to a&e for something which turned out to be nothing but stay in hosp for severe jaundice and to have the UV treatment. Our hospital (whittington) has a parking so you pay on exit. DP did not have any money and asked my mum for some because he knew i gave some to my mum. my mum, who stayed with me in hosp then came crying back to me that DP took away the money i gave her. (and that i was killing my baby (yes really) because i wanted to breastfeed him even though he was obvioulsy very ill.. as if jaundice had anything to do with breastfeeding). i confronted DP in front of her and DP said he needed money for the parking and apologised to her if she thought it was rude from him to ask for money. what can i do... my mum loves to think the whole word is conspiring behind her back....

thats the only parents i have, they are not perfect, sometimes they are great and sometimes they are crap. Im jealous of my friends who go on holidays with their family, or whose parents come over... i go 2 or 3 weeks a year to their place (far away) because they do have a nice place with a nice garden and a swimming pool (that they dont use!) and it is nice for the kids...

i was going to leave them DS3 for a week in june but i dont think i will now... this is just too sad... how can someone not want to see his/her own children/grandchild?

OP posts:
Original poster
tostaky · 16/04/2013 13:35

and yes yiou are right, im a people pleaser.... not enough assertive. i already know thats my problem....

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 16/04/2013 14:49

I agree that you do seem to be supersensitive and the rason they have given for not wanting to see your DP do seem a bit lame with exception of the £20 for the hospitall parking. It does seem a bit cheeky of your DH to ask them for the parking money. Was he just meant to be borrowing it til he could get to the cashpoint? Maybe they thought he was being a bit rude

Crinkle77 · 16/04/2013 14:50

Sorry OP just seen your response to my question after I had typed it

Crinkle77 · 16/04/2013 14:54

That does seem a bit odd if it was your money he was asking for

TheChaoGoesMu · 16/04/2013 14:57

Well, did he offer to give the money back? Is your mum a bit short on cash?

wonderingagain · 16/04/2013 15:01

What about DPs parents? Can you focus on them to come to visit? This is sad only because you so want them to be part of your life on your terms. They only want to be part of your life on their terms. It's a no-win situation I'm afraid. I think you are going to have to enjoy your life without them and visit them for holidays. It may be for the best as you say, your father hurt you in the past and it's better to restrict contact in that case.

YoniLovesChachi · 16/04/2013 15:07

They're happy with the arrangement of you visiting them only, so get on with making the most of that.

I must say that I don't enjoy staying at other people's houses. It's often uncomfortable and awkward being in someone else's place with their routine etc, and I have to admit that being given used bedding to sleep in would definitely put me off a repeat visit (I might ask for clean bedding if I thought it wouldn't rock the boat or cause offense). I can understand your parents' reluctance, although I would still encourage them to visit but would arrange a nearby hotel if that was more convenient for them.

LookingForwardToMarch · 16/04/2013 15:12

They have a swimming pool but your mum cried because your dp needed to borrow 20 quid...wtf?

Jux · 16/04/2013 15:22

Probably too late now, but a talk wouldn't have hurt.

Dad, I'm really sorry about

bleedingheart · 16/04/2013 15:24

£20 that was yours to start off with?!

garlicyoni · 16/04/2013 15:44

YY, tostaky gave her mum some cash, DP asked mum for some of it, mum cried - while Tostaky and baby were in hospital. And has held a grudge over it for years.

Tostaky, self-obsessed parents tend to teach their children to 'please' but never are pleased enough. This leads to feelings of being not-good-enough in later life and damages confidence. If somebody gets bullied frequently in their life, you can more or less bet they had a domineering parent. Even though most parents like this might not realise how much they're harming their DC, it's a horrible thing to do. It really would be very reasonable to be angry about their attitude to you! I bet you love your kids unconditionally - it's bloody sad your parents can't do the same for you. You might get some benefit from the Stately Homes thread on this board.

Sending you a hug. Enjoy family time with DP & DC when you get home! x