Is it normal to say things like this? So worn down...

[CutMyFringe]

We have been married nearly 7 years and have a DS (2.5). I know all couples have ups and downs etc but my DH seems to say that he wants to leave me every few months. The latest incident was on the back of a relatively minor disagreement where he told me he would leave me as fast as possible if he had the chance. The thing is he can't as we have a big mortgage and I think he worries about paying maintenance for our son and also financing himself.

I suspect that deep down, he is only staying with me because he feels trapped, he has said this himself (that he feels trapped and is not living the life he wanted). He hates where we live (even though it is actually a nice place, certainly not a shit hole) and he also moans constantly about having to work though he has a reasonable job. IMO, some of the things he says sound rather entitled which makes me sick TBH, and as though he should not have to work at all... I am a WAHM/SAHM but of course he never really counts my contribution as my life is 'easy'... If he could move back to his home town he would,I am sure.

That was a bit of background but my question is: do your DPs and DHs say they are going to leave you when angry about something and later apologise for it (and make excuses saying that it was your behaviour that prompted them to say it)? Is this a par for the course relationship thing? I am so worn down I can't tell any more. All I know is I feel destabilised and cannot remember the last time I felt relaxed.

Thanks again all of you.

I'm going to seek some advice and get forewarned and prepare myself. I'm shaking tbh. Adrenaline? Fear? I don't know. I'm so sad for DS, he loves his dad so much.

It's so hard.

Ds can still love his dad (if dad steps up to being a great dad when you not there .. But you have also expressed concern about his care of ds ???
Also ds know no different is the only dad he knows.

You cannot continue like this for what eighteen more years til ds grows up ?

Where do you see yourself in five ten years? Do you see yourself growing old with dh into the sunset? Well no because he doesn't like you does he ?

Don't wait... Book a session with a counsellor to talk things through or women's aid phone call. Use solicitor for practical stuff, use a counsellor or women's aid to talk thru the other stuff

DS can still have a good relationship with his dad, can still see him and love him. That needn't change.

The difference will be that you and your DS will live in a happy and harmonious house. That has got to be good for you and for him.

cestlavie I can't see us growing old together, no. My concerns about DS are based on his lack of care at times. He can forget DS is a child and will go out without snacks etc or a warm coat and god help me if I remind him... One of his criticisms of me is that I 'interfere' but I'd rather risk it than see DS suffer or go hungry/thirsty. How can I hand him over where I'll have no input? It worries me.

Agatha yes I agree

SGB meant to say - yes, am going to get advice to see where I stand. Thanks - I agree I don't need a partner just for the sake of it. I always thought partnerships were about support and kindness, not criticism.

Hi op. my ex h was the same and I too worried about handing them over to someone who was not as caring and had a temper. It may surprise you, he may not want as much to do with dc as you think..don't let that stop you finding happiness for yourself and ds. It's hard being a single parent but its much easier than living on your nerves and questioning your perceptions and your sanity

you can teach ds to say "i am hungry" "i am cold" - if it becomes a serious welfare issue you limit contact. simple. ds is growing up, he will be able to tell you.

Yes, good points re childcare. I'm going to arm myself with information and be ready. Tbh, it's shocking me even writing this thread and talking of divorce. But it's probably no bad thing me getting my head round it all as much as I can.

Actually, I wouldn't worry too much about care, because this man sounds like the sort of lazy, selfish prick who will simply disappear rather than look after DS by himself.

Hi op,

Your DH sounds exactly like mine, I could have written this exact thread so many times. Just before Christmas I finally did take him at his word and kicked him out- it was like something suddenly clicked and whatever was making me want to hold onto him was just gone. It has been such a relief. The constant undercurrent of tension, negativity, the stress, the underlying resentment has such an awful effect and you don't really realise how much until it is gone. It felt like a weight was lifted off me, my house is a happy place, and I am happy too. I have my bad days, and I am unbelievably sad sometimes, but things are so much better and get a little easier each day.

And I am now with somebody else, who I have known for a long time, and who ticks every one of those things on the 'how do you know you're loved' thread. It can really happen. I have no idea why I put up with my husband for so long, I deserved so much better and so do you.

A word of warning- my husband did not take well to being dumped, although it was him who said he wanted to leave. He did not like the power balance shifting so suddenly and was quite nasty for a while, alternating between begging to come home because 'he loved me' and telling me why it was all my fault. It is nothing but manipulative crap to try to gain control again and means nothing, but forewarned is forearmed.

My husband still sees our daughter every week, and she seems happier without all the tension as well. She comes home happy, and while there are things that he does that I wouldn't do, for the sake of my sanity i have just had to let them go. I think we are both better parents now, without the stress of living together wearing us down.

Good luck.

ah yes - once you say to the next "i am leaving" - "please do" - then all of a sudden they dont want to/wont leave...funny that.

just be prepared to s ick to your guns and be prepared for all the anger/appealing/pleading/crying/shouting... it can go any way and all .

and plan B is - if ehe wont leave - you pack up with ds and go somewhere

Again, thank you for each reply - so helpful to read.

Glabella, thank you. It's really good to hear you've made a happy life. Can I ask how old your DD is?

CLVL I would really worry about going. My DS would be utterly confused - and why should he suffer any more? I think we would have to sell to both have money to live on tbh. I guess a solicitor would help with sorting this out, though.

I agree with SolidGoldBrass.
Imho, I believe he wants you to break up the the relationship to give validity to his brainwashing attempts that you are the bad one here. Its a long term manipulation.

I don't think anyone in a relationship would say they want out that many times without there being some truth behind it. Either he just doesn't have the balls to do it, or he somehow sees his wife leaving him as a holy grail of pity-won't everyone feel sorry for him, forever.

Your little one will be A-OK with out this example of "nurturing and guidance" a constant presence in his life.

In processing these contemplations, perhaps what you are feeling is excitement for anticipated happiness?

Ah, yes, ATBPO that rings true actually. I don't think he has the balls to do it, either. Yes - why would you keep saying it if you didn't mean it? He maintains he said it in anger about other stuff - but the other stuff is all tied up with him resenting me for living where we do etc.

It's very difficult now. I'm trying to stay calm as DS has been upset about us having words and that really upsets me, breaks my heart.

Hi, CutMyFringe. How are you doing?

Hi, ATBPO, thanks for asking.
I've not been great and felt utterly alone and low - but I've been talking to friends IRL who know us both and know me very well - and I have slowly been turning shock into anger. I am not about to LTB but I am about to get forewarned. The thing is, what he said hurt me so badly and threw me that I never want to be in this position again. I have made it explicitly clear that I am not to be spoken to like that and I don't care what the excuse reason might be. I think he knows I am serious. And, the thing is, I am.
Something has gone off in my head and I will not be made to feel like this again. He has done his fair share of explaining why he was angry (comes from his alkie mother behaving like a banshee and him re-enacting it rather than getting angry in a healthier manner)... But, that said, I am not going to pick up the pieces just because he wants to take his frustrations out on me.
I tell you, if he so much as says he wants to leave, I will be opening the door. Next time, I won't be as shocked and hurt, and I'm not risking this going on.
I realise some people will say LTB now, but I'm not saying I'm staying for good either. I'm going to have a plan and if I need it, I'll use it. I would like us to be happy. Time will tell. But all this has made me realise I am not going to live an unhappy life and if I make him that unhappy, well, he can go. So, it's a case of seeing if he steps up. For DS's sake, I hope he does. But, if he doesn't, I will be taking action.