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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal to say things like this? So worn down...

67 replies

CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:00

We have been married nearly 7 years and have a DS (2.5). I know all couples have ups and downs etc but my DH seems to say that he wants to leave me every few months. The latest incident was on the back of a relatively minor disagreement where he told me he would leave me as fast as possible if he had the chance. The thing is he can't as we have a big mortgage and I think he worries about paying maintenance for our son and also financing himself.

I suspect that deep down, he is only staying with me because he feels trapped, he has said this himself (that he feels trapped and is not living the life he wanted). He hates where we live (even though it is actually a nice place, certainly not a shit hole) and he also moans constantly about having to work though he has a reasonable job. IMO, some of the things he says sound rather entitled which makes me sick TBH, and as though he should not have to work at all... I am a WAHM/SAHM but of course he never really counts my contribution as my life is 'easy'... If he could move back to his home town he would,I am sure.

That was a bit of background but my question is: do your DPs and DHs say they are going to leave you when angry about something and later apologise for it (and make excuses saying that it was your behaviour that prompted them to say it)? Is this a par for the course relationship thing? I am so worn down I can't tell any more. All I know is I feel destabilised and cannot remember the last time I felt relaxed.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/04/2013 15:46

Have you ever talked to friends or family about this? Has anyone noticed his behaviour? Do you think, if you mentioned it, they'd know what you were talking about? Or does he put on a big smile for the outside world and save his Mr Nasty act for behind closed doors... (another common feature of emotionally abusive individuals btw)?

Original poster
CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:47

TheYoni, not yet, but I am going to have to start planning. I can't take much more of this lack of respect. It's making me feel ill all this stress and it's not fair on DS.

Pagwatch did you stay together?

OP posts:
Original poster
CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:50

Cogito - I think you can guess... He is nice and all that and he does have a good side to him or I'd never have married him/stayed. But the other side of him is really quite shocking. He can be verbally abusive, which I never was, not to that extent, but now I join in (unless DS is in earshot).

OP posts:
TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:50

good Smile

I'd leave just for DS alone, as it's so unhealthy & the sooner the better.

It might be worth having a look at the EA thread. It may help you rethink everything.

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:51

They all have good sides...

Doesn't mean they're not capable of being utterly nasty & abusive.

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:51

but now I join in

it's only going to get more toxic really, isn't it.

Original poster
CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:54

I worry about him and the access to DS. He is so little yet. I feel he is so vulnerable, and I don't trust DH completely with his care.

And yes it will just get worse. I don't like the language he uses to me in front of DS.

OP posts:
Destinysdaughter · 15/04/2013 17:40

I rarely post here but was compelled to do so today. Everyone giving their opinion is completely right about him it's not normal! Look at the current thread about what behaviour makes you feel loved to see what a normal relationship looks like. It's quite shocking when your relationship isn't like that and you see how much you have normalised bad behaviour. I would also recommend reading ' Women who love too much' Robin Norwood, it really helped me to see the destructive pattern I had got into. I hope you find the strength to gather up your self esteem and realise that you and your child deserve better than this selfish bully... X

welcometomysillylife · 15/04/2013 18:06

He sounds so resentful towards you. He has the life he doesn't want and you are getting the blame for it. I have been where you are too and it is easier and more pleasant to be on your own.

olivia42 · 15/04/2013 18:35

i am living with an ea last 10 years he is obviously not happy and is choosing to blame you for whatever his faults are.
even though its difficult you need to sit him down and ask him whats wrong and bring it out in the open.you may be opening a can of worms so dont do it unless your ready to.you need to call his bluff and say ok go if your not happy but you need to be reay for the fact that he just might depending on how serious he is.

deleted203 · 15/04/2013 18:38

It's not acceptable. As others have said, the only answer is 'You know where the door is'...

Original poster
CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 19:28

I do feel he resents me - spot on.

DestinysDaughter - the thread you mention is what prompted me to write this thread. I can hardly believe people have all that.

DH has told me he has more fun with others, says I'm boring and slags off my parents at times. On one hand I'm a great mum and then he says I'm too fussy Sad. Oh and I drive him to drink at times.

OP posts:
hesterton · 15/04/2013 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 19:33

Thanks all for the replies. He's being all normal now, as if sorry makes it all ok...

I have a headache. This is awful. My heart was somersaulting when he said he'd divorce me if he could. I also had a stomach upset.

Hmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 19:35

He's called me a selfish cunt for not wanting to move to his hometown too.

OP posts:
Original poster
CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 19:37

Sorry - not drip feeding but things keep coming to mind and that in itself tells me how much I accepted as normal.

OP posts:
marriedinwhiteagain · 15/04/2013 19:44

It's normal as a one off OP when times are tough and money's at its tightest and you are up to your arms in nappies. It's all part of the hard yards. remembers the early days when I thought it would be easier to buy a house near my mum when I had two under 5 and a workaholic husband but it is not normal on a day in day out basis. We used to have fantasies about buying the house next door for DH and having interconnecting doors upstairs so DH could have peace, calm and tidiness and sex at bedtime. But no, if it's really upsetting you and happening a lot it isn't right and it isn't nice. Your DS is little and far easier to split when they are tiny and start all over again than to fritter away a life on nothing.

onetiredmummy · 15/04/2013 20:22

I had one of these as well op. according to him I sat on my arse all day while he went and earned all the money (I was on maternity leave so being paid) he had all the pressure, nothing was his fault , things constantly conspired against him, I was lazy , I was difficult (pnd) and it was my moods that made him go back to work after 3 days of parental leave ( fucking pnd) as he couldn't stand me, my BF ds1 in bed woke him and it wasn't fair as he had to work, he refused to come with me to take ds1 for jabs as he didn't want to be associated with bad things. I could go on and on. I was also a selfish cunt for not wanting to travel 100 miles to stay in his sisters house 5 days after giving birth ( I gave in and did so).
When I told the fucker I was leaving him the sense of relief was immense. I've never once regretted it and being a lone parent is hard , but it's a fucking picnic compared to being in a shit relationship.
I can't believe I put up with all of that, and you shouldn't have to either x

Finola1step · 15/04/2013 20:33

Hi cut. Just a thought... Why does he get to decide if the marriage continues or not? You have a choice here too. He thinks he holds all the cards and by throwing these threats in your face whenever he fells like it, the cards are stacked well and truly in his favour.

How about you grab some cards back for yourself?

No, in 15 years myself nor DH have ever said anything near what he says to you. Marriage is not a game but no one seems to have told your husband this. Good luck

Original poster
CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 20:46

Your posts are reassuring and also scary - I can't believe I've put up with this for so long. The fact is he would say (and has) that he puts up with lots from me being so awful that no one else would have me. He helped me through a health issue but jeez he never shuts up about how much he had to put up with.

I cried when I read the 'how do you know you're loved' thread.

Thanks again for sharing.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 16/04/2013 07:01

My H used to do that. He stopped, but it didn't matter. The damage was done.

tribpot · 16/04/2013 07:18

I drive him to drink at times.

Ah, there you go. His mum's at best a problem drinker and it sounds like he is too?

His sense of entitlement so that everything is your fault is likely to transfer to your ds as he gets older. And his actions when ds was a baby (making you walk after a CS, packing a bag and threatening to walk) just show you what a manipulative shitbag this man is.

I think your heart is racing now because you know you need to take your power back, as Finola says. Don't wait for his next outburst and threat to leave, because when that happens you'll be on the back foot and he'll be making out some action of yours has driven him to anger/threats to leave. I think you know the marriage cannot continue.

Pagwatch · 16/04/2013 08:43

Cutmyfringe

God yes we stayed together. We have been married for 23 years. He is fabulous and great husband and father. We are very happy.

He said it once in the midst of a terrible time. Ds2 has asd and was sleeping less than 5 hours a night. His behaviour was a nightmare. We were both frayed and distressed.
But my reaction was cold fury and it shocked the hell out of him.we were married for good and bad. We had both chosen all the things that had led us to that situation. I was not responsible for the shit times and when I signed up for marriage it was a partnership where we were both responsible for trying to make each others life a little easier, a little happier.
If he was going to blame me, try and make me responsible I wanted him to go.

Honestly,I think if I had reacted as if he was right, asked him to stay I think he would have decided he was somehow a hero and hard done by. I would have validated his childish thinking.
He is quite honest about how that made him grow up. He has taught me loads about kindness and responsibility but at that point he needed his arse kicked.
Finally I have to say the
'poor me, stuck here in this drudge when I could be out there being fabulous if it wasn't for you. Be grateful woman'
sums up his father entirely. I think we dodged a bullet tbh.

AgathaF · 16/04/2013 09:13

But I cannot go on with this - quite right. You shouldn't have to, and neither should your child.

He is abusive and destructive. He is slowly destroying your sense of normality, your feelings of self-worth. It sounds as though he has all but destroyed your love for him. As your son grows older, he will become more and more aware of his father's abusive behaviour. He cannot be permitted to keep on with his abusive behaviour in your home.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/04/2013 18:18

OK, so do your research, maybe chat to a solicitor (many will give a free half-hour consultation) work out how you would manage without this tiresome selfish prick hanging roung the house bullying you. Then, when you have all the information you need, don't wait for his next strop, just tell him that you have decided the marriage is over because you don't want to live with an obnoxious loser any more. And that he should move out/you will be taking DS and moving out (which of you leaves will depend on what advice you have had from the solicitor).
Life will be much better as a single parent. It's always better to be single than have an unsatisfactory partner.