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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lala Update - hold my hand now please! X

66 replies

LalaDipsey · 14/04/2013 21:56

Hi all.
Well I haven't posted for ages as there was nothing new to add - H persisted to not look for somewhere to live with any great urgency, I started the freedom programme and then H got quite poorly in February meaning he needs an operation. So I couldn't push him to go when he was poorly. However when we got his op date, about a month ago now, of 15th April (tomorrow), and he said he couldn't look until after he had recovered I said I couldn't cope with another 6-8 weeks of sleeping in with the twins. He said 'so for so many reasons you want me gone then?'.
And he looked and found a flat which he has signed the papers on and he moves out as soon as he has recovered from the operation but worse case scenario will be gone in 2 weeks.
We have just had a conversation tho where it transpires I think he thinks he is going to come back here every weekend (?!).
Very odd.
He has been loads better - he didn't drink at all from Jan 1st until 2-3 weeks ago and tonight is the first night I have seen him drunk (pre op nerves) but regardless of that (tonight he said he never thought I would see it through and would say he could stay) I really think my door has closed. I cannot wait for him to go. For the house to me mine. To create a routine with me and the kids. We haven't had any talk about access though just his random comment tonight that he would come back at weekends so I need help with that and to talk to dd. whilst I think there will be no big loss to her when he goes, of course to her he is 'Disney Dad' - no baths, dressing, feeding etc just 10-15 mins play once maybe twice a day. However to her she may yet be quite distressed. He can be away with work 2-4 nights a week so she is used to him being away and he just went away for a week on holiday and she only asked about him twice so I think things will be ok. Anyway - about 2 weeks to go now so if anyone can remember me I would really appreciate some encouragement. Thanks X

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 15/04/2013 23:04

I remember your previous threads. Glad he will finally be going.

I'm sure that there is A separation document that can be drawn up, maybe you should get a second opinion.

MrsHoolie · 15/04/2013 23:45

Welcome back Lala.

I have been wondering how you are getting on.

You seem like such a strong woman.

Keep posting.

QuintessentialOHara · 15/04/2013 23:52

Oh well done! I was thinking about you just the other day.

Glad to hear that he is finally leaving. You have shown amazing strength and resilience once you made up your mind. Go LaLa!

Aussiebean · 16/04/2013 09:17

Yay lala. I am glad you back and things are going in a positive direction.

Good luck in the next couple of weeks. Xx

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 16/04/2013 13:47

Thanks everyone.
That's very useful about legal separation - I don't know about doing that now but I will definitely write to my solicitor to let them know when he has moved out that's a great idea.
I'm not happy for him to take any of the children to his place - he's just renting a studio apartment at the top of a house and in any case he still hasn't had the twins on his own (apart from half an hour once or twice in a emergency and once for an hour when they were both sleeping!).
Contact with the twins has to be here for the moment but he can take dd out as his contact with her.
I've made a bit of a rod for my back as I've asked him to go for 6 months to start with rather than say I want a divorce now as I'm just not quite ready for that yet and it has been about getting him to leave first and that's been easier this way. I am beginning to realise he thinks he is coming back and I very much doubt that. He just asked me for his opinion on the kettle he's buying - said I needed to like it as it may end up being 'ours' if he comes back.
Even though the abuse has stopped now and (pretty much) the drinking he is still a very under active father.
Oh I just want him to go now but only 2 weeks to go - oooh no less than that now he should be gone in 11 days even if he can't move heavy stuff for 4 weeks (Dr said after his Op yesterday) but he can move a bag of clothes and some deodorant can't he?! Thanks for your support - Grin

OP posts:
wheredidiputit · 16/04/2013 13:57

I think it right for now to pretend to agree about the 6 months, as if he thinks that once he gone there will be no returning then he won't go.

I agree the contact with the twins (how old are they now) needs to be at home as he can not be trusted with them but that doesn't mean he treats your house as his own.

I would set up a room as a play room and let him stay in there with them for a couple of hours and in that time he does all the parenting. Do not change them if they need it he needs to do it.

He could take your older dd to the park for an hour or so. If he turns up smelling of drink (and you will notice it as your no longer living with him IYKWIM) then don't let him have the children at all.

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 16/04/2013 14:03

That's really good advice wheredidiputit - a small laugh here at him having the twins for a couple of hours though (15 months now) - I tried putting some washing away upstairs the other day with him with the dc in the living room and I had to come back down after 5 minutes! He has managed half an hour with them before whilst I was upstairs on two occasions though so it can be done!
I was thinking he could come here for an hour with the babies whilst I 'get on with stuff' then take dd out for an hour or two. I know he'll want (and need really as I don't want to do it!) to come back for a day here or there at the weekend to do the garden and that does need to be done but hopefully that will be it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaDipsey · 16/04/2013 14:06

Gah just lost long post.
Great advice wheredidiputit - laughed at a couple of hours though - he hasn't managed longer than half an hour and often I have to come back after 5-10 minutes (if I've gone upstairs to put washing away for example)!
I think it makes sense for him to spend an hour with them here and then to take dd out for an hour or two.
We need to have that conversation though.

OP posts:
wheredidiputit · 16/04/2013 14:36

Your right of coarse he wants to come back for the weekend to be waiting on by you. He has never looked after his children at any point by him self for more then 10mins.

So yes he comes plays with twins then takes your older dd to the park and then comes back and see the children together then he goes home.

Highlander · 16/04/2013 16:34

If he comes back to yours, there's the risk that your DD will start the 'why aren't you staying daddy?' Be very prepared for this, as your DH will use this to blackmail you.

Do SS not have contact centres? Can you only use them if you're on their books?

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 18/04/2013 19:51

I keep remembering stuff. I thought he wasn't too bad before dc, but I remember one night on a holiday years and years ago he was hammered, absolutely hammered, ad went off on one that 'all women were c*nts and bitches' etc etc. Why TF did I stay with him so long?
He starts moving his stuff out on Monday and its getting all tense around here now. I can't wait until he's gone.

OP posts:
Jokat · 19/04/2013 13:59

I am so so pleased for you that being rid of him is imminent now.

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 19/04/2013 21:08

Aagggghhh just had a conversation about visitation - he honestly thought he was coming back here every Friday night for the weekend Shock
I mean WTF part of 'separating' 'moving out' did he not understand?
We have agreed for now he will come over on Saturdays. Finer details to be concluded but he will not be staying the night. Or for dinner.
I mentioned at the Freedom Programme on Thursday that he ha intimated he would be back at weekends and they said 'he just hasn't listened to you has he? He hasn't taken your request for time & space into consideration at all?' They were right and that helped me stay strong. I have also said that he can't just 'pop round' without warning.

OP posts:
DippyDoohDahDay · 19/04/2013 21:44

Lala...hugs. Just let him totter off and then you can work on finalities. Will, ahem, message you x

legoqueen · 20/04/2013 08:33

As always, you wonder if it is 'can't understand' or 'won't understand'. Stay strong & resolute, sounds like you are getting great support from the Freedom Prog & I hope you are getting support from your families too....

wheredidiputit · 26/04/2013 16:15

Hope you've had an ok week and your H has all/most of his stuff moved out now.

wheredidiputit · 28/04/2013 20:49

Has he gone now.

GingerBlondecat · 29/04/2013 05:35

(((((((((((((((soft HUGS)))))))))) Sweetie Flowers

Have lurked in the shadows of your posts, Hoping for you.

Am Happy and Proud of you right now.

Original poster
LalaDipsey · 29/04/2013 21:00

Hiya Grin
Well he moved out finally on Wednesday last week! No big hoo-ha or farewell - he moved stuff out from Monday and was here when I went out weds morning and then he texted weds night to say he was staying over. I wasn't sure if he meant for good or if he would come back here for a night or two but he meant for good! He has moved out
And I in the main feel really good about it. Ok a couple of minor wobbles but they have past pretty quickly. I am happy. No angst or soul searching - I feel like I've done all of that from feb-nov last year and that I've just been marking time from asking him to leave in December until now. It's all good folks Grin

OP posts:
Highlander · 29/04/2013 21:03

Yay!!

Now change the locks. Your abuser has gone; he has no right to enter your home.

MushroomSoup · 29/04/2013 21:03

That's absolutely brilliant! Well done, you!
You're going to get FABULOUS again x

chezziejo · 29/04/2013 21:13

Yay Grin definately change the locks. Have you heard from him since he moved? Did you ever tell his sister the extent of his drinking and abuse? She is a doctor isn't she if I remember rightly? Bet you parents have breathed a sigh of relief too. Brew

dietstartstmoz · 29/04/2013 21:18

Great news lala, hope this is the start of a happier home for you and your children.

scarletforya · 29/04/2013 21:19

I'm smiling like a loon having read your update Lala! Grin

Congratulations! I'm really thrilled and relieved for you. Wishing you FUN and FREEDOM! Thanks

wheredidiputit · 29/04/2013 21:49

I so glad he's gone Lala.

Now you and your dc can have a nice relaxed happy home.

DO NOT allow him to come back 'to help' at the weekend. He can take your dd out for an hour.