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Relationships

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Original poster

Tell me what being loved feels like

53 replies

catkin14 · 14/04/2013 13:42

If you have or have had a relationship where you felt loved and cherished please tell me what it felt like?
What sort of things did/does your DP do to make you feel that way?

I need to know this to stop me going back to H who thinks if i try harder and love him more, he will be able to love me more...
And manages to make me feel wrong for not doing so..

OP posts:

badinage · 14/04/2013 17:52

VV long term married and with er....more than the average number of kids.

Salbertina · 14/04/2013 17:56

Then you've got a good 'un Badinage and myst be one too! Theres hope for the institution then.

something2say · 14/04/2013 18:02

My old boyfriend loved me. Once I was very upset and inconsolable really. He was on his knees in front of me saying 'what can I do? Tell me what I can do to make it better'. I think it shows when someone genuinely loves you.

ellajayne · 14/04/2013 18:07

Secure. I know it's one of 'those' words but its how I feel.

DP thinks of me. Not in an all the time, all encompassing way but if he's at the shop he'll bring me back a magazine as he knows I like to read interior design magazines in the bath. If he's out for a few hours he'll text to ask how things are at home and tell me he loves me at the end. He'll massage my shoulders if I'm in pain, cook dinner when I can't be bothered, doesn't mind leaving me alone if I have erratic moods but will come up after an hour just to check on me etc.

Mostly he respects me. He respects that I am a worrier so he'll text even if he's out with his friends. He respects that I am his equal and our children are very much to be patented by us both.

He's not an overly romantic person but its the small things he does that I find the most romantic. Flowers on no specific day, a bottle of wine or a DVD and a blanket on the sofa. Things he doesn't have to do or have to pick up because I like them.

badinage · 14/04/2013 18:07

Thing is, this thread is about love but it's not about marriage and I think there's the distinction. My marriage hasn't been all roses round the door and sweetness and light. We've both been complete arses on occasion to eachother and there have been highs and lows like any relationship. Plus times when it's all jogged along fairly evenly.

MoaningYoniWhingesAgain · 14/04/2013 18:11

Together 10 years, two children here. It's not always perfect, we piss each other off at times too and both have our faults. But we don't expect perfection. You can still respect each other even when you are irritated by things.

Salbertina · 14/04/2013 18:19

Fair enough - had missed the omission of marriage.

Yes, I've been loved and have loved - feels wonderful, a treasure, an insulation against the world and a joyful way to feel at its best. Was with my ex though and didn't last beyond 2 years- we burnt each other out!

HolidayArmadillo · 14/04/2013 18:22

Together 10 years, married, kids,mortgage, the works, it's not been plain sailing, in fact it's been frankly a pile of shit sometimes but we always come out of it stronger and we've had kids together since erm 2 months into the relationship, or at least been pregnant...

meddie · 14/04/2013 18:24

I felt for the first time that I could just be me, warts and all and that was good enough.

Original poster

catkin14 · 14/04/2013 18:42

You all have some wonderful OH's, I have always had to ask for any if i wanted anything, even putting bins out/letting dog out/etc, anything that wasnt for him i had to ask for. Never had flowers bought for me, never had a cup of tea made for me, tells me if i am worried about something to 'get over myself'. I could go on.
Its hard to deal with when this is a professional well respected man..who treats his staff/clients so well..
But I think the thing that comes through most is that you are allowed to be you. Not criticised or changes asked for, but to be who you are, good, bad or ugly.
Thank you all

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 14/04/2013 18:50

I have to do past tense (for obvious reasons).

Nothing was too much trouble for him - and the small things made me feel valued, respected and supported.

He kissed me 'goodbye' as the first one of us left for work and met me with an open door to kiss me 'hello'. (So I knew he was always missing me and listening for my car to pull on the drive)

I am a witterer and talk about the same thing in circles until I figure it in my head - he never shut me up.

If I was too stressed to eat, he made me boiled eggs chopped up in a cup with butter to tempt me!

We shared all the housework from day one - I was made to feel an equal partner in careers/household. We would negotiate disproportionate allocations at certain times as one or the other career took off.

As I worked my way up the career ladder, I was totally supported and he took on more household stuff to give me the space to do whatever it took.

He always told friends how PROUD he was of me - and to have me as his wife (and that wasn't a trophy wife - but a wife who he respected and loved 100%)

He encouraged me to do things that I thought were beyond my capabilities (I got two further degrees with his encouragement)

He told me ALMOST every day that he loved me (not gushing but a simple "I do love you loads" or "I love you more today than yesterday")

My HUGE family were embraced and loved as part of his family.

Both of our families loved and supported each other because of our love of each other. My parents loved my DH and DH's parents loved me. When my FIL was widowed, my Mum would phone him every Sunday night with the blessing of my Dad. (We were an 'at a distance family' and I lived in my husband's locality.) That went on for 10 years!

DH accepted my cat when we got married (even though he would have preferred a dog!) Now I am widowed, what do I have? Yes.... a beautiful Border Collie dog!

So much more, but I will leave you with this shared love:

When DH was terminally ill, immobile and I was nursing him 24/7 - including the bodily functions, I would lower his hoist, tuck him back into bed, fluff his 15 pillows and say "I love you, do you love me too?" His answer was "No, I love you three."

ellajayne · 14/04/2013 18:50

Together six years, getting married this year/next year. Two kids and a dog.

It hasn't been plain sailing here. We've had really big arguments that have seen us both with one foot out the door but we pull through. We are incredibly well suited but butt heads a lot. As we grow and mature as people and within our relationship we learn each others limit and combat problems together even if its ongoing or a long road. We just love each other too much to let each other go over things that can be fixed.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 18:53

catkin most of this stuff is not actually "wonderful"

it is the very least you should expect from a relationship where you have promised to cherish each other

the fact that your H treats others well, but chooses not to give you same respect, speaks volumes

he could treat you nicely, he just chooses not to for reasons you will never understand and will harm yourself by trying to fathom

let it go, love

really

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 18:55

sadwidow I am very sorry for your loss x

Salbertina · 14/04/2013 19:02

Sad- he sounds so lovely. I'm very sorry to hear about his death, you had something very special there.

navada · 14/04/2013 19:09

Sadwidow28: - your post has made me cry,
you were blessed to have had such a wonderful husband.

Messandmayhem · 14/04/2013 19:39

sadwidow I'm sorry for your loss, he sounds like he was a wonderful man

CMOTDibbler · 14/04/2013 19:55

I've been married 15 years - and god only knows that dh and I have had some tough times. But he makes me feel loved in silly little ways (and we aren't ones for lots of kissing and love yous) - its stuff like making the bed with clean sheets as a suprise, having a cuppa ready for when I get in from a work trip, stopping at the services on his way back to get me a Starbucks, never complaining about me needing to go to bed way before he is ready. That sort of thing - and always being there to be cried on, talked to about rubbish that is preying on my mind.

LaQueen · 14/04/2013 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Piemother · 14/04/2013 20:36

My best friend has a lovely dh. She broke her wrist a few years back and was signed off work. It was her writing hand so she was quite disabled by it. It happened on a Saturday. On the Monday morning her dh left for work but returned 10 minutes later. He walked in and said 'I simply cannot leave you'. And he didn't . That's devotion to me

ExcuseTypos · 14/04/2013 21:22

Pie that is so so sweet.

Sadwidow your Dh loved you very much, but I'm sure you don't need others to tell you that

ohtobecleo · 14/04/2013 21:34

What being loved feels like:

Like someone always has your back

Like feeling fat/frumpy/grumpy doesn't change how they feel about you

Like you have someone who really listens when you talk

Like you have someone who isn't afraid to disagree with/challenge you and loves you regardless

Like....coming home.

Sigh....I miss it!

Original poster

catkin14 · 14/04/2013 22:51

Sadwidow I am so sorry about your husband, he sounded so kind.
Anyfucker yes I am beginning to see that now after all these posts.

I really appreciate all your posts, and it makes me sad that i have thought what i had was the normal for so many years. He thinks he loves me and all he has done for me shows that he does, ie paying for everything cos he earns all the money.
Funny old life.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 22:56

You sound so sad, catkin

But your sadness changes nothing. You are sad for something you didn't have with him. Let it go.

something2say · 15/04/2013 07:13

Sometimes I think it is best to work out how we feel, rather than go with what others feel .... I mean if you don't feel loved for who you are, then him reckoning he lives you is no good right?

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