How to deal with this issue with "friend"

[HMTheQueen]

I have a "friend" that is an old family friend of my late DH's. When my DH was ill and in hospital and after he died she was a great help and comfort to me - and fabulous with my (then infant) DS. I considered her a great friend and she became honorary Aunty to DS. I am close to her family and we all get along well most of the time.

She can be very self-centered a lot of the time, but would drop everything if I needed her. But if I don't have a crisis that I need help with she can be very me,me,me. Not maliciously - just very self centered.

She travels frequently to my home country to visit friends there. Her last visit was over Christmas/New Year and while she was in my home country she visited my parents, brothers and a couple of my frien that she has come to know over the years.

I have just returned from visiting my family with my DS and my new DP and his DC. While we were there, I discovered that she had been bad-mouthing my partner to my friends and family and they were all very concerned that I was in a bad relationship. I have set them straight and told them that I am very happy and that we are very much in love. They are very relieved and think that my DP is generally fab now that they have met him!

Now that I am back in the UK, how do I deal with this issue? She has no idea that I know that she said these things, and i am angry that she thought it appropriate to bad-mouth my partner to my family before they could form their own opinions. Also some of the things she said about him show that she really doesn't know me at all - and that she has no faith or respect for me and my life as I choose to live it.

She thinks we are great friends, but I am seriously reconsidering our friendship. I dont want to alienate her family (who we are close to), but I don't think I can continue with the same level of friendship. She obviously thinks I've chosen the wrong man/path in my life, but has not said any of this to me.

I was aware she didn't like my DP but she has only met him a few times so I thought that maybe she needed to meet him a few more times to get to know him. Now I wonder if there is any point as she has clearly made a decision not to like him and has let everyone know.

I don't think I'm articulating myself very well here - but I just wonder how I should approach this. I don't think I can just let it lie (which is what I would have previously done).

I am fully aware of how vulnerable I potentially am and I am receptive to feedback about this, but the reason I am probably coming across as defensive is that I feel I am!

I came to ask about an issue with a friend and this has turned into an attack on my relationship with my DP and our lack of marriage. I've now been called naive, a kept woman and a sex worker.

I'm NOT in an abusive relationship. My DP is NOT isolating me from my friends. This is an issue I have with ONE friend not all of them. Tis particular friend has stormy relationships with other people too, so this is not a unique situation for her.

I'm going to bow out of this thread now as I feel that this thread has been derailed by posters who think that all men are abusive and controlling and cannot understand that althought I may have put myself into a vulnerable financial poison, I have done this because I trust the man I love. I know not all men are like him. I am very lucky.

I'm sorry it I'm not hanging around here to be attacked over what to me is a non-issue but is clearly an issue to other people.

Thank you to everyone who posted helpful tips on how to speak to my friend.

the one comment you made concerns me - that the childcare would eat up all your income - but surely you would only be responsible for ONE lot of chilcare costs not all 3??? If you were not around to do childcare for him then he would have to pay for it. It also makes sense to keep a foot on the career ladder independant of your partners company. Are you on payroll for his company - so do you have legal rights. Or does he just give you money? You say you have money from renting your home so are financially independant, but are you contributing to the running of the home - bills, mortgage, etc? Are you getting 'housekeeping' from him in recognition of your SAHM role? Are you getting all the child benefit? You should, minimum, be reimbersed for his childcare costs, even if you dont want to put it as bluntly as that.
I dont think your friend has been trying to muddy the waters. It sounds as if she is seriously worried but is aware that you think she is jealous which is why she hasnt brought it up with you.

Well, you are quite naive, and you are kept financially by your partner, but I agree the sex worker comment was out of order. I made it very clear in my post that there may be nothing sinister or controlling whatsoever in this set-up, this man may be the loveliest kindest man even, but unless you are legally protected, that will mean nothing if something unexpected happens.

And- your friend is not as besotted and in love and trusting as you are, she doesn't know this man, and is concerned by your naivety. If she had come to you and said all this, would you have been receptive, or highly defensive and possibly cut her out of your life? I think it would have been hard to hear which is why she has (wrongly) gone to your family and friends.

But- anyway, if your friend sees your partner securing your future, getting legal/financial protection, getting you a pension, giving you a stake in the business as well as you looking after his children, then she wil be reassured, no?

I dont think that your DP is being abusive but just that a situation has come around which should probably be tackled now in the early days, rather than in the future when your earning capacity has diminished and you are not protected financially. If you are living together, you are looking after him and his home, and more of his children than your own, and working to benefit his company then he is benefitting far far more than you from the set up. Doesnt bother you now you are both in the loved up its all going to be fine mode, but along the line it could start to cause resentment. How many years will you feel happy to do this before without actaully having anything 'exta'in your pot, for YOUR DS if anything went wrong.

I suppose your friend will expect you to react in exactly the same manner as you did in your last post, which is why she has not brought it up with you.

Sometimes implicit trust is misplaced.

A lot of women have trusted their partners, and this blind trust have not served them well.

Why not address any of the issues that would guarantee you some protection?

Seems to me that you are saving him a lot of money by staying at home looking after all three children, whereas by working, you would stay on the career ladder, have an income and be a more equal partner, and only have one lot of childcare to cover yourself while he paid for his own children.

I fear this very good advice is a waste of time.

You've given up your career to look after somebody ELSE's kids though, not your own, so you can't compare yourself with 'any other sahm', who presumably half owns the house and is looking after her own children.

I think you managed to have your career when you were responsible for one child. Now you are responsible for three you have given up your job on the grounds that your income wouldn't be more than childcare for three. omg, you are a MUPPET. He might be a great guy bla blah blah blah blah, but why do you give up your job to look after his children????? They're HIS responsibility? he boldly goes forward in his career I guess, without having to worry about childcare, or childcare costs and if you split your name is not on the house.

He sounds very clever to be honest. It's you I question.

I can see why, given how you've reacted on this thread, your friend wouldn't feel comfortable discussing this with you face to face. I wonder whether she hoped your family might be better able to talk to you without you flying off the handle.

This sounds very worrying. You are convinced that you're getting a great deal out of this but the reality is that your DP is getting the better half of the bargain - what were his childcare arrangements before you came along I wonder?

There is undoubtedly some very good advice on this thread in terms of the OP being financially protected etc., but why all of the aggression and nasty put-downs. It doesn't achieve anything (probably makes a few of you feel a bit better), and now she has gone. Do you honestly blame her?

As far as I could see, there was one nasty comment which the poster apologised for.

If I was the dearly departed wife of the posters new partner, I dont think I would be hugely happy to find DH marrying this lady at this point in proceedings as I would feel my two children stood to make a considerable loss in this arrangement given her and her child would be very entitled by that arrangement. Its not clear how long this couple have known each other but they are both widows and both have children. Being a widow creates a very different set of challenges to others who find themselves as newly single parents. If posters on here think it would have been better for the OP to stay in her own house and keep her job presumably the assumption is she should have stood her ground and said this relationship isnt progressing an inch till you put a ring on it. I wonder what his best friends and family would be saying to such a request - something akin to gold digger? I wonder what sort of advice his sister would have got if she had come on to tell us about her poor widowed brother? Sod off that poor woman can't put herself in such a vulnerable position of course he must marry her!! perhaps but I doubt it ....

Well, true. I'm a single parent not a widow but I agree with you.

I think the OP's bi9g mistake was to give up her job to look after somebody else's children.

OP, I think you've come under a lot of fire on this board,
I think you've posted on the wrong board, 'relationships'.
Have you seen the previous posts on here?
I think you're getting a lot of people reacting here, due to their experiences, and getting a bit of a bashing.
You're not naive. And I too am offended by what some of the posters here have posted about SAHM. I'll leave it at that, as I don't want a bun fight.
But, maybe try Chat, or at a push AIBU.
I think there is concern from your friend, but I also think she doesn't like how your friendship has changed since you've met your new man.
And she was out of line talking to them like that, on mass. Fair enough one to one maybe.. But it sounds like she 'held court' with YOUR family.
Out. Of. Line!

Shame on some of you! Get over yourselves!

Why so much bile and aggression MissLurks? Everyone has offered sincere, well intentioned advice, from many different perspectives.

Some of it is not what the OP wanted to hear. That is what happens when you ask advice.

I don't feel 'shamed' that I've reminded the OP that she has given up her job to look after somebody else's two children. She managed to be a mother and work when she was responsible for just her own child! I don't think it's shameful to make her aware that this is an arrangement that must surely suit him very well, and that if the relationship goes pear-shaped, she and her son might have nowhere to go, as he and his two children would of course stay in their house.

I don't feel ashamed in the slightest Miss

I think the comments here, bar one, have been well informed and well intended.

I would have a friend that's a bit self-centered but who I know will be there for me when push comes to shove, rather than a friend who pretends to care but will disappear when needed.

Haven't read the whole thread, but I think you are treating your friend a bit unfairly. You dont know exactly what or how was said, its all hearsay. Have a frank chat with your friend.

However from my experience, friends are almost always correct about a friend's partner.

She is also constantly on the look out for a boyfriend and I wonder if she is a little jealous that I have found someone while she is still looking?
I doubt it very much, she sounds concerned (rightly) about your situation.

What does your Partner think about her?

I think it is worth reminding everyone that OP states she has retained her own property, and she is therefore in receipt of an independent rental income stream. if the property is mortgage free that income can be invested wisely. If the property is mortgaged the OP has an opportunity to overpay her mortgage and build on her personal assets. In the meantime they are living as a family unit benefitting from a quality of life some people can only dream of and they are making best use of their joint time and income. I hope this results in the happiness they both deserve.

OP my partner is not married to me, and he is a SAHD

I wont show him this thread!!!! " Yes, I would say that to every sahP who choose to end their careers to look after children and home for a WOman who is out furthering hER career, living in hER home without security and protection"

fuck!

I think though as she has very much been there for you in the past, talk to her and hear her out

why does she feel like she cant talk to you around her concerns???

The OP has now left the thread... And i don't blame her!
She was asking about what to do with her friend and some of you began jumping on her and tearing her relationship and her life with her boyfriend apart...
I shall leave this thread now in case you jump on me!