How to deal with this issue with "friend"

[HMTheQueen]

I have a "friend" that is an old family friend of my late DH's. When my DH was ill and in hospital and after he died she was a great help and comfort to me - and fabulous with my (then infant) DS. I considered her a great friend and she became honorary Aunty to DS. I am close to her family and we all get along well most of the time.

She can be very self-centered a lot of the time, but would drop everything if I needed her. But if I don't have a crisis that I need help with she can be very me,me,me. Not maliciously - just very self centered.

She travels frequently to my home country to visit friends there. Her last visit was over Christmas/New Year and while she was in my home country she visited my parents, brothers and a couple of my frien that she has come to know over the years.

I have just returned from visiting my family with my DS and my new DP and his DC. While we were there, I discovered that she had been bad-mouthing my partner to my friends and family and they were all very concerned that I was in a bad relationship. I have set them straight and told them that I am very happy and that we are very much in love. They are very relieved and think that my DP is generally fab now that they have met him!

Now that I am back in the UK, how do I deal with this issue? She has no idea that I know that she said these things, and i am angry that she thought it appropriate to bad-mouth my partner to my family before they could form their own opinions. Also some of the things she said about him show that she really doesn't know me at all - and that she has no faith or respect for me and my life as I choose to live it.

She thinks we are great friends, but I am seriously reconsidering our friendship. I dont want to alienate her family (who we are close to), but I don't think I can continue with the same level of friendship. She obviously thinks I've chosen the wrong man/path in my life, but has not said any of this to me.

I was aware she didn't like my DP but she has only met him a few times so I thought that maybe she needed to meet him a few more times to get to know him. Now I wonder if there is any point as she has clearly made a decision not to like him and has let everyone know.

I don't think I'm articulating myself very well here - but I just wonder how I should approach this. I don't think I can just let it lie (which is what I would have previously done).

From what I understand she wasn't asking their opinion. One friend said she basically talked AT them for the whole weekend and barely paused for breath. She wasn't asking for help or my family's support.

I would also be worried about you. The decision you have made makes sense in the short term, but leaves you very vulnerable.

She has been a good friend to you. Assume that she is sincerely concerned for your and your ds long term welfare. Reassure her that you are aware of the risks and have chosen this lifestyle. That your dp pulls his weight a home and with the dc (assuming he does) and that you are happy.

Thank you holeyghost - I will try to reassure her. I'll also let her know that if she has an issue she should raise it with me - not gossip behind my back to my family.

Your friend might have gone about it the wrong way, but that does not change the fact that you have left yourself very vulnerable. You have turned yourself into a "kept" woman, a house keeper, nanny and sex worker in another mans home, in exchange for living the sahm life with cupcakes and baking, with three young children in tow. And you have left your job to work for him, making him your boss both domestically and career wise.

Would you say that to every SAHM Quint? That's a very blinkered view of a life that lots of people lead. Because we are not married you believe I'm a sex worker? I'm really offended by that statement and I think quite a few other people would be too. We are in a partnership. He's not my master and I'm not a slave.

How long are you together?

Seems to be an awful lot of negative opinion and distrust on here.

You don't sound naive to me, and considering your sad circumstances regarding your late DH, you now have a lovely future ahead of you with your new family. There are a lot of women who would love to have what you have now (probably including your "friend").

With regards to your "friend." No a REAL friend would not do this, no matter how sensitive, they would voice any concerns to you. I think she has gone behind your back and totally undermined you.

Honestly walter I'd rather not say as that will inflame quints opinion of me. Let's just say it won't be long enough to satisfy people who think I'm naive and vulnerable.

Personally I wouldn't stop work unless I was married. If your part-time job is working for your partner and your relationship ended, you would be in a very, very vulnerable situation.

I agree with you, though, that she should have spoken to you about this rather than talking about you to your family.

Flaming nora OP if you thought yr friend was being a cow perhaps now you realise how lucky you are, some of this lot could be your friends!

Thank you keepcool - I'm happy that you've been able to see the issue that I actually asked about!

That's try middle - better the devil you know, and all that!

true gah!

Ok, OP.

Please have a care though. No matter what way you look at it, you have made yourself vulnerable and you are putting a lot into this.

Do his dc have a relationship with their mother? It's just you refer to them as 'ours' rather than 'his'.

quint the sex worker comment was unnecessarily harsh!

I am aware, thank you walter.

DP's wife is deceased - so we unfortunately have that in common. We do refer to the children as 'ours' as we have formed a family unit and we live like that too.

Why did you not get married again before taking this decision?

To quote from a wise poster on another thread in this topic

I don't think any adult relationship works when one partner needs the other for any reason. IMO, it works best when you don't need the other but simply want them for who they are and how they make you feel.

That applies to your relationship with your friend as well as your dp.

i haven't read the replies, but supporting somebody through a massive crisis is extremely drainign, so right off, describing her as selfish and self-absorbed don't sit right. that deosn't seem to stack up in my book.

perhaps you are confusing her outgoing chat chat chat about this and that personality with being self-absorbed, but her actions were that she has dropped everything to support you.

I think I have been in slightly similar situation. I have used up energy in my own tank supporting somebody else. Not trying to sound like john grey here ! (more pop psychology!) but seriously the energy that I used up supporting somebody who needed support was not surplus energy. I used up some of my own resources to support somebody in a greater hour of need iyswim. And then, that person bounced forward, to my mind, making a move that could bring more crises.

And especially as it was your DH taht was her family friend, maybe part of her motivation to support you was for his sake, and now, you're with somebody new. I think she's entitled to at least have an opinion. Even if you don't agree with her opinion she is entitled to one.

Being married is not the be all and end all. If I had waited to marry my DH before having children, I would not have DS. Lots of people choose to live together and share their lives without being married. There are lots of people on mumsnet that are SAHM and not married to their partners.

Because if you were married, you would get legal and financial recognition in the event of the split of your contribution in terms of looking after the home and children. Currently, you will get none, you stand to lose your home and your job and would have no legal protection! Furthermore, all of your current efforts are going to develop your partner's business (which you don't own) and maintaining his house (which you don't own). You are financially very very vulnerable.

I can understand why your friend is worried, because you have been blinded by love. There may be nothing sinister whatsoever in your set up and plenty of people do it, but you haven't protected yourself or your son in this set up at all, and if it has happened suddenly, then I can see why she was worried. I agree she should have come to you first, but you do not sound very receptive at all to anything than agreement and refuse to see the argument that you are leaving yourself vulnerable. She talked to your friends and family as she was genuinely worried about you, perhaps she does feel pushed out or need to be needed but I also think she hasn't done anything terrible other than articulate what others may be thinking.

But why choose not to have the (minimal) protection marriage offers? Why choose not to formalise your commitment, when you have so utterly devoted yourself to contributing to his family, his business?

Op, I do think it important how long you and do have known each other and how long it was before you moved in with him. I guess you do too or you wouldn't be reluctant to say. will you say how long ago you and your dp lost your respective spouses?

dp not do!

And SAHM who are not married to their partners and do not have legal recognition over the house/pension/current investments are always advised to either marry or seek legal advice on MN for this very reason. You are investing in you as a couple, which works well if you stay as a couple, but if you split up (or god forbid you lost another husband) you would lose, bigtime. Your contribution would not be recognized. His house and any business assets may go, not to you who cared for his children for 10 years, but to a sister or to his children and bypass you completely. Are you paying into a pension for you? Do you part-own the business or have shares in it so you would benefit from your joint contribution (why do I already know the answer to these questions).

If you took financial and legal advice, or got married, you would be better protected, why don't you want to see that? Your naivety is precisely what is worrying your friend.

"Would you say that to every SAHM"

Yes, I would say that to every sahm who choose to end their careers to look after children and home for a man who is out furthering his career, living in his home without security and protection.

Over the years there have been many threads from distraught women who have put themselves in the same vulnerable position as you. Sahms, without home ownership, without jobs, who end up in a terrible way when their relationships end.

Do you have any legal protection? If he were to pass away, will his children inherit him making you homeless and jobless?

Granted, the "sex worker" comment was perhaps hash, just echoing what friend had said.

How does your dp like your friend?

Maybe the reason she is concerned is not because she feels less needed, but because she feels that your dp is isolating you from friends and your regular support network?