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Original poster

Is it ok to feel desperately sad about the end of my marriage

34 replies

Mosschops30 · 14/04/2013 00:10

We have been separated for about a month.
I initiated it because we had no intimacy, no affection, he didnt share household tasks and didnt respect my career or anything I'd achieved.

I've been fine, enjoying time alone with dcs, bought some new bits and bobs.

He came over today, to discuss finances. He said something sad and I said 'aww do you want a hug' half joking, he said yes and we did. It's probably the first time we've touched in a year.

We talked about things and how sad we were it had ended up like this. I asked if he wanted to go on a date but he said he'd kind of just got used to us being apart and wasn't sure he could do it.

So he left, and I am feeling fucking bereft HmmHmm worse than I've felt for weeks.
Does this mean I made the wrong decision? Is this normal?

HmmHmmHmmHmm

OP posts:
jynier · 14/04/2013 00:22

Of course you feel devastated, Moss!

You must let yourself grieve for the end of your marriage; it will take time!

Pour your heart out on here - everyone will understand!

Meanwhile, best wishes to you and your DCs. How old are they and are they coping?

Theala · 14/04/2013 00:23

it's normal to feel sad. you're in mourning. it doesn't mean you made the wrong decision though.

when i left my ex, even though it was the right thing to do, i cried and cried for ages. it was very sad.

big big hugs to you. it's ok to cry.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 14/04/2013 00:26

Thank you thank you, made me cry just reading those posts Smile

Dcs are 16, 8 and 3. Just the middle one seems to be struggling Hmm

I just keep thinking 'was it that bad'? and 'couldn't I have lived like that forever'?

Until today I was sure of my answers. Now I'm all fuddled and sad Hmm

OP posts:
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 14/04/2013 00:36

Mosschops. I felt so sad reading your OP. I am in the same boat. Left my marriage for the same reasons as you. Dh not happy with my decision. I've been ostracised by his family (well, I've had no contact from them for a year when we decided to part, not even an Xmas card and there are loads of ils).

Have actually been living separately for six months and I still feel huge doubt, anxiety and confusion a lot of the time. You do need to grieve before you can move on.

I can see it's affected the children. The family unit is broken forever. I also feel like although he wanted to keep going, I have 'proof' now that dh didn't love me because he is angry and cold and doesn't even want to be friends.

I feel I am years away from wanting another relationship and my confidence is so shot that it doesn't feel achievable anyway.

Sorry to be gloomy. I think we are all gloomy; it's been a very long cold winter so a very difficult one to experience a marriage breakdown in.

But I wanted to reassure that you are not abnormal. People warned me it would be like this. People who have gone on to find happiness, when they were ready.

Sending lots of love.

ike1 · 14/04/2013 01:02

I have to day Moss that I have rad your posts over a long period of time and your ex partner sounded extremely unpleasant and abusive.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 14/04/2013 09:42

Of course it's ok. It's hard to hang on to your convictions when you feel sad and nostalgic. You need to grieve and that will include feeling desperately sad. It probably doesn't mean you should try again but I relate to the confusion.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 14/04/2013 09:46

It is absolutely normal to feel the way you do but it doesn't mean you are not on the way to a brighter, happier future though.

Coconutty · 14/04/2013 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaWisey · 14/04/2013 10:03

Totally normal to feel sad and to doubt your decision.

It's very, very early days. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel differently than you actually do. What's right doesn't always feel good.

welcometomysillylife · 14/04/2013 10:21

It is normal for your feelings to be all over the place. I am a year ahead of you and, this won't make you feel any better I'm afraid, but things are even worse and I still get those sad days. The feeling of freedom generally outweights it fortunately.

Lillianne · 14/04/2013 10:32

Hi Mosschops 30,
I am sure all these feeling are normal. The thing is when you look back upon something you can try and clutch to the "rosie" sides of things but sometimes forget why events left things like this.
I am married but unhappy and trying to find a way round it all which is hard.
You are doing an amazing job being strong and bringing up the kids. I am sure with time things will improve. hugs to you

catkin14 · 14/04/2013 10:37

I am in the same place as you, left my H 6 weeks ago. He was EA, constantly critical, foul to our DC's and all behind closed doors so everyone else thought he was such a nice chap. But after 26 years marriage I just didnt want to do it anymore.
I constantly ask myself if i have done the right thing, despite feeling so much better since I left, and in fact a friend told me that it has taken her 2 years to KNOW she has done the right thing.
It seems so easy to look back and only remember the good bits, of which there were some of course, but in my heart I know that my love and respect for him has gone.

I know he is desperate to get back together which doesnt help in my situation but I think we have to remember how we left before we left and why we left? And that people dont change in such a short amount of time?
I am taking a day at a time, not expecting too much of anyone or myself.

I totally understand how you feel Mosschops, message me if you want to talk more and it would help? Look after yourself Flowers

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 14/04/2013 10:47

Thank you for such great support.

I'm starting to feel like the bad times weren't that bad etc etc.
But I know if we got back together things would go back to how they were, and I wasn't happy, but I managed!

OP posts:
skaboy · 14/04/2013 11:01

I think its only natural. My defence mechanism, which is improving all the time, is to think of all the good things about being apart, and then think about all the bad things which caused you to part. If they outweigh the reasons for wanting to get the marriage back, then you're making progress. Another thing which tells me I'm making progress is when I start thinking back and grieving, I can snap out of it a lot quicker by weighing up these things.

catkin14 · 14/04/2013 11:16

Do you want to just manage Mosschops? Even though you know you werent happy?
Sometimes I find it helps to write down a list of fors and againsts? maybe you could try that?

deliasmithy · 14/04/2013 11:24

Moss,
You say in your OP that you're DH/XH has not even hugged you in a year.

That's not the statement of a loving and supportive partnership.

It sounds like he ended things some time ago, but left it to you to take the final step.

I don't think you made a wrong decision at all.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 15/04/2013 13:57

Thank you
It's been a tough weekend, not helped by us spending time together and being nice to each other. It gives me a very distorted view of what things were like.

I'm feeling better today, but accept I will have days that are good and days I feel very down.
I phoned my friend last night who gave me a good talking to Grin, and told me how it really was

Do any of you feel sad because you loved that person but just couldn't change how you were with each other? That's how I feel. I know we can't change it, I know it's gone too far and I know we will be happier apart.
It's all the couply stuff I feel down about, holidays, dinners with friends that kind of thing

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 15/04/2013 14:09

I've been separated from XH for nearly 2 years and by the end of r marriage neither of us were making the other one happy at all. Sometimes I still feel a sense of how this isn't how it was supposed to be although things are much better for both of us now and I have no urge to be with him at all.

Without sounding patronising (I hope) you are at the beginning of things and it will be odd to start with. I've read a few of your threads over the past few months and honestly feel you are better off not being with him. Things will get better :)

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 15/04/2013 14:15

It's nice that some of you remember how bad my marriage was Grin even if I don't!!!!
Maybe I should start looking for old threads.

miranda how will you feel when/if he starts dating? I'm so scared of that because she will be getting the best of him, the him that I miss

OP posts:
RandallPinkFloyd · 15/04/2013 14:16

Moss you've put exactly how I feel into words far better than I could have. I can't even make sense of it to myself much less actually write it down. And that's after 16 months.

The crux of it for me is that I really crave what I wish we'd had. I miss all the things we almost were. We came so very close to having it all. In reality I know it was the vain hope of him changing that was slowly destroying me.

My stbXh could be a wonderful man but he has vices that will never go away. I still don't think I've fully accepted that.

Moanranger · 15/04/2013 14:29

I am only 2 months along, but reckon I will not have worked through the sadness for a year. There are good days & bad days. I know my STBXH will never change - thinks he is just fine - so when I imagine being together, I remember how difficult he was too live with.
Yes, I managed, too, but at what personal cost?
Regarding him dating & future OW getting " his best" - remember, you know the real him; he will probably put on a good front, but they will end up with the same man. There is no imaginary good version of him out there, only the real one.
To help me, I have decided to say "yes" to every opportunity to go out and do something that arises, even if I am not sure I will like it. This is helping me a lot. Good luck!

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 15/04/2013 14:30

Smile randall wonder why our emotions just remember those perfect men they were, rather than the men we ended up living with, it's so cruel and makes me Hmm

OP posts:
4some · 15/04/2013 14:41

Am in the same boat randall and moss and I wonder if the spell will only break if / when I meet another (much more decent) partner??

RandallPinkFloyd · 15/04/2013 14:43

I think its a self preservation instinct tbh. We remember all the reasons we married them, why we chose to have their children. It goes against the natural instinct to not be together. Iyswim.

I also think people who haven't been in that situation don't understand that just because a marriage didn't work out it doesn't mean it was years of unmitigated misery. Yes the bad times can be bad but that doesn't mean there weren't lots of good times too. It's just they're not the bits other people saw.

I struggle with knowing we'll never live as a family. I know there's a chance that I could possibly meet someone else eventually (although it's a very slim chance, I am not a catch!) and it could be wonderful, but he won't be my son's father. There is no one else in the world who will love DS like stbXh and I do. We should be raising him together.

NomDePlume · 15/04/2013 14:51

Hi mosschops. I've not been here for about 3 yrs and even that was a brief stint after a couple of yrs off, so I've been away from MN for about 5yrs but I know you of old and I'm sorry to see your latest family news. FWIW, I think it's just part of the process to see some of the history through rose tinted lenses for a while. In a way it could be construed as a good thing and may help keep things amicable in the split.

Anyway matey, I just wanted to say 'hi' to a fellow 'oldie' and let you know that I'm thinking of you.