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Original poster

I am feeling guilty why did I do that what have I done.I have done a bad thing. Come and flame away

62 replies

freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 08:08

I was going to n/c but I decided not to.

DP works away. A lot. And when he's away he's away and we have very very limited contact. Before he went away the last time we had a very long and serious chat about how much I hated it how it didn't work for me, from his point of view, it's going to be like this for the next 3 years or so and if I wanted not to wait for him that was fine.

So he went away and we are still emailing regularly and I know the first chance he gets the first thing he will do is phone. The emails are friendly but no more, on my part. But I don't think I've been clear that he's a friend not a partner anymore. Because I think I was hedging my bets which is a horrible thing to do.

I am very fond of him he is a lovely bloke but he does not make my heart skip. I am not "in love" with him.

I have an ex who I dumped. I broke his heart. He loves me utterly and totally and I was a bitch. I was in a place where I didn't want a relationship (too soon after end of marriage) and I treated him like crap.

We keep in touch periodically and see each other odd times, we have mutual friends and seeing him makes me grin like a loon. He makes my heart skip flip jump and I love the bones of him.

I have an event to go to that is really important to me. "DP" can't go because he's not in the country at the time of the event. Tickets went on sale yesterday and I bought two.

And texted the ex to say "I have two tickets to go to X would you go with me"

And he has replied "Yes of course I would love to go with you it would be an honour and a privilege"

And we texted back and forward and he's asked me out on a date and I've said maybe.

But I can't tell DP that it's definitely over for another month, not face to face. But then he said I could see other people, and I WANT to try again with the ex.

So come and kick me up the arse please.

OP posts:
LoopaDaLoopa · 13/04/2013 08:39

Ah, just call DP and explain. Sounds like he wants you to call it off anyway.

Then go and have some fun with ex, but after.

akaWisey · 13/04/2013 08:42

I think it suited both of you for a while but it doesn't work for you now. That's fine, and there's no reason for you to think you undervalued yourself.

You'd be undervaluing yourself NOW if you continued this relationship with a bloke who you know has controlling tendencies which are only bearable because he isn't around enough for him to exert them more fully.

themidwife · 13/04/2013 08:44

It's not horrible to send a Dear John email - your relationship is currently based on email contact only anyway. If he's controlling & a red flag man I think you should DO IT NOW! Get rid of the entitled arse! Go have fun!!

Original poster
freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 08:46

LOL entitled is a good word for him. He covers it well, but he is entitled.

OP posts:
Original poster
freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 08:46

Even "go see other people if you want but I am going to keep emailing how special you are and how much I miss you" - I was thinking about that last night and thinking that's controlling too.

It's "well I'm letting you go but I am not really"

OP posts:
M6Toll · 13/04/2013 08:48

Tell DP by email that its over. Whist it's not ideal and face to face would be preferable the fact is you want to start things up with the ex. It doesn't sound like you want to wait for DP to get back so given the choice between breaking up via email or cheating on him the email is much kinder.

I think you need to tread carefully with the ex though. How sure are you that he really is right for you and you're not just a bit lonely?

Original poster
freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 08:49

M6 - the other option is wait til DP is home and has time to see me and end it in person.

And do nothing with the ex in the meantime - well maybe go on a date or two but no jumping into bed

I could just be lonely.

OP posts:
flaminghoopsaloohlah · 13/04/2013 08:50

Ah...lots more info now..

Interesting email he sent you...not paeticularly fair IMHO.

Just email him and say it is deffinately over...wish hom the best...move on.

akaWisey · 13/04/2013 08:50

OP I mean this is the most constructive way possible - try not to go down the path of focussing upon current DP's failings. He is who, and what, he is.

The problem is how you can move on to another potential relationship with ex whom you hurt before in the context of a rebound situation. This is another rebound situation whether or not your current DP is controlling.

That's all I'm trying to flag here. And you could, of course, take time out to be single.

Original poster
freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 08:51

But I don't think I am. I'm used to being on my own and it doesn't bother me.

OP posts:
Original poster
freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 08:52

Wisey - I never expected to text the ex. I don't know why I did.

OP posts:
Grinkly · 13/04/2013 08:54

You need to look at yourself - stop listing DP's faults, you got together with him after all.

Was it his high pay? did you quite like him being away (people whose parents were cold/ not there for them are likely to seek similar in partner), why did you finish with ex? seems you just like the chase and not the committment, will you go through this scenario with serial partners ad infinitum??

themidwife · 13/04/2013 08:56

Maybe focus less on the ex right now & think more about why DP isn't right for you. Separate the 2 issues? It's not leaving him for someone else. It's leaving him because he's not right for you.

Original poster
freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 08:57

Grinkly - not the high pay. He came looking for me, not the other way around. I knew him already.

When I got together with DP he wasn't away as much as he's going to be over the next couple of years.

I'm 45. I don't want to be pissed about any more. I want normal. I want DVDs on the sofa and someone here every night, not right away, but eventually.

And DP will never be that person, so he's not the right man for me.

OP posts:
akaWisey · 13/04/2013 08:58

Well I see it like this:

Ex (who is now back on the scene) comes along at the end of your marriage (I assume). You're not ready for a relationship and so you end it .

you have another relationship with a distant but nonetheless controlling man. Ex comes back on the scene and TBH the way he phrased his acceptance of your invitation seems to have forgotten how much you hurt him first time around. This suggests to me that he'll be rushing headlong into things on a emotional level (which you have no control over) and you'll feel controlled in a different way by someone who doesn't have boundaries.

Kind of like the opposite of current DP but the end result is the same IYSWIM.

Original poster
freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 09:01

Wisey - yes possibly.

I am definitely going no contact with DP. Writing this all down has helped me clear my head on that bit of it at least.

The ex. Well, yes you could be right. Dunno. The event isn't til June (the first one) so I have time to think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 09:01

I have to go out for a few hours - I will be back later. (Dancing comp with DD)

OP posts:
akaWisey · 13/04/2013 09:03

OP I'll put your thread on watch and come back later to see how you are.

M6Toll · 13/04/2013 09:08

Agreed Frddie that the other option is to hold off the ex and wait for DP to come back in order to split up, but you don't sound like you want to wait. If you've made up your mind to split with DP then just do it via email. Have some time alone before the event in June and then take it from there.

Grinkly · 13/04/2013 09:09

My DP is away alot and I cross off the days - 'til he goes!

DVDs on the sofa? You mean some violent /shooty shooty/ car chase bollocks or Top Gear or some idiots chasing giant alligators in florida- well each to their own! enjoy cuddling up to that.

Original poster
freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 09:18

Haha about to leave but I like top gear.

My best friend, the first time she met DP, said "he's very controlling isn't he" and she didn't like him that much

OP posts:
Snazzynewyear · 13/04/2013 09:29

Definitely email him and say you're not right for each other as partners and it is better to acknowledge that now. It's over. You will have such a weight off your mind when you do.

Snazzynewyear · 13/04/2013 09:38

And say in the email you won't be in contact. Set his messages to go into junk mail or be blocked.

dragonflymama · 13/04/2013 09:53

I see no problem ending the relationship with dp by email....after all that is your main form of communication and one of the consequences of dp working away. As for ex, there's no harm in seeing if it's better the second time round....it could've been a case of right person wrong time, just be mindful it may turn out to be the reverse of wrong person right time. If that's the case, think you need to avoid exes and start afresh. Good luck!

Mumsyblouse · 13/04/2013 10:25

I don't understand the problem here, you don't want to be with DP anymore, he knows you are moving on/seeing others, and you are going to do that. The only thing that is stopping you is that you haven't formally split up- just do it by phone or email, this is perfectly normal if you have a long-distance relationship and he won't feel better if you hold off for a month pining over someone else just so you can tell him 'in person' (that's not for his benefit, is it?)