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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband shouted in front of baby

30 replies

bouncer · 13/05/2006 17:13

We had our first baby 2 weeks ago. I have been quite tearful and senstive since the birth and for the first week or so was in alot of pain too. My husnabd has been doing alot for me and baby. We had an arguments a few days ago and he said he wouldn't help anymore as he feel unappreciated.(he has since continued to help) I was still upset abut waht he said today and told him. he got defensive and said i wasa accusing him of being a bad dad and i had ruined the last 2 weeks by being negative and he shouted this & used foul language infront of our baby. I'm finding this very hard to deal with - any ideas?

OP posts:

supakids · 13/05/2006 17:15

dh at end of his tether me thinks. Nose out of joint cos he hasnt got all the attention, you no doubt are extra fussy over how to deal with the new tiddlypeep, thats getting on his nerves. You and your hormones all over the place all sounds normal to me.

LadyTophamHatt · 13/05/2006 17:18

Right, I'll be totally honest and say I think you worrying about it too much.
You have a newborn, are both tired and naturally feel a whole lot of stuff.
Just chill a bit.....

And your baby really will not remember it, if thats what you're worried about.

SoupDragon · 13/05/2006 17:18

Agree with supakids. Becoming a dad is a shock just like becoming a mum (but without the physical side of it!) Tell him he's doing a wonderful job occasionally.

Oh, and your baby won't remember the bad language.

Northerner · 13/05/2006 17:19

Hi bouncer. THe first 6 weeks are the toughest, it is new for you both and you are hormonal and knackered and dh is knackered. Dh and I had our worst rows after the arrival of our ds.

Things will get better, you are just finding your feet.

Don't worry about swearing in fron of the baby though, it's a while yet before he/she will repaet any bad words!

Original poster

bouncer · 13/05/2006 17:21

It just feels worse that we've bben arguing instead of making the most of the time with our new baby - the whole of today has been wasted with arguing and shouting. I just wanted this to be such a happy time ans now it seems like a disaster

OP posts:

supakids · 13/05/2006 17:21

You need to get into a routine where you both know what you are doing with tiddlypeep and when. This takes a couple of weeks to get off pat. Sit down and discuss a plan with dh im sure you will see a relieved face.

Original poster

bouncer · 13/05/2006 17:32

We've sorted out who will be doing what but i'm finding it really hard to deal with his shouting and saying threatening not to help. A couple of days ago wondered if i was getting PND ( have had depression in the past) and discussed this with dh. Him shouting at me today after we'd talked about PND just makes me feel worse. Feels like he doesn't care if he does thinks to make me feel worse

OP posts:

supakids · 13/05/2006 17:37

You are feeling it arent you. I sat and cried for a couple of days but I had to examine myself and I put it down to self pity cos I was tired and you just cant put anything into perspective when you havent had sleep. If he is saying he doesnt want to help then tell him you will deal with tiddlypeep on your own you might find not having him around moaning will be a breath of fresh air. Its amazing how you cope when you have to. I couldnt wait for dh to get back to work (he took two weeks off) aarrrrrrrrgh drove me mad.

MamaMaiasaura · 13/05/2006 17:37

bouncer - tis normal to feel teraful and sensitive after birth - is baby your first?

Also sometimes (altho sure u dont mean too) we push the men away - compleltey natuaral i think. He is porbably feeling rejected and unappreciated. Step back from situation if you can and take stock. Take a deep breath and say sorry and talk things through.

It is a big change for all of you and dont worry - completely normal.

I think we always imagine life thro rose coloured specs and parenthood coming naturally tbh life aint like that and what you describe sounds pretty normal to me.

Good luck, RELAX and enjoy xx

brimfull · 13/05/2006 17:39

Explain to him he's doing a great job,allow him to do things for the baby without criticising .Tell him he's a great dad.All positive reinforcements like you do with a child ...works wonders with men!
You may have pnd but I suspect at this early stage your feelings are normal hormonal protective feelings.

Original poster

bouncer · 13/05/2006 17:40

he says he does want to help and has helped alot since saying he wouldn't. I'm just finding it hard to deal with what i wanted so much to be a happy time turining into a miserable time. He said i've ruined that last 2 weeks for him too by being negative. I've even thought of going to the doctors to get antidepressants because i feel so awful.

OP posts:

serenity · 13/05/2006 17:42

What does he think you are being negative about?

supakids · 13/05/2006 17:43

Look you need to do something positive here to make yourself feel normal, go to the doctor let him/her check you over at least you will feel like you have tried to deal with how you are feeling. See what they say and take it from there.

MamaMaiasaura · 13/05/2006 17:43

bouncer did you read what i put and many others? Take stock - step back and chill. We have been there.

Greensleeves · 13/05/2006 17:47

I know it's horrendously stressful and difficult, but what you describe is normal. Of course you feel tearful and sensitive, you have very recently had your body, your mind and your whole world blasted apart. Of course your dh is on a short fuse, he is worried about you, overwhelmed by his own feelings about being a dad and not having a clue what he is meant to be doing. You are both exhausted. I think all new parents are shocked by how enormous and total - and physical - the whole experience of birth and feeding and caring for a new baby is. There can't be many new babies who haven't been privy to the odd humdinger between Mummy and Daddy . Hang in there and try to be kind to each other, be prepared to forgive untypical behaviour for a while. You're both being pushed to the limit at the moment - two weeks is SUCH a short time. It gets easier, it really does!!!:)

monkeytrousers · 13/05/2006 17:57

Agree, Normal normal normal - I was a tearful wreck, especially as night fell too for some reason. This is defo the time to forgive and forget - real life is never how it 'should' be - always harder. Don't be disappointed with the arguments, neither the baby or either of you will remember them. First few weeks are so strange.

Best advice is not to expect anything, just live it as it happens. good luck and welcome...

Hoopoe · 13/05/2006 19:23

Yes, normal. I remember getting irrationally upset and angry with dh. Strong memory of going out for coffee with him and a sleeping dd after being 'bullied' into getting out the house and just sitting there crying. You've got lots of hormones zooming around your body and not enough sleep. Give it a few days, try and sleep when your dc sleeps and get your dh to sleep with you. Things will get better

Greensleeves · 13/05/2006 19:25

Just because we're all saying "it's normal" doesn't mean we are belittling how weird and overwhelming it is for you, by the way. It'll be a while before things feel normal, but you will get there, honestly. xxx

beansprout · 13/05/2006 19:34

The first few weeks are hard and they are made harder by the wish we all had that it would all be lovely, and yes tiring, but that the baby would unite you both and not leave you arguing and swearing.

Your relationship has undergone a huge, huge change which will take some time to adjust to but just allow each other to find it difficult and get through each day. It will change, it won't always be this hard. I hope it all feels better soon

collision · 13/05/2006 19:36

and dont forget that being a dad can be a total shock to the system too. My DH was in shock for days when ds1 was born and felt he didnt do things right and was scared to hold the baby.

With hormones and tiredness and aching body parts and sore bits and a crying needy baby, the first few weeks are hell. It will get better.

and be nice to your husband!

Also, dont do everything yourself. Delegate. Feed the baby and give it to DH to wind. Get him to bath the baby and put him in PJs. Dads do get confused and are not sure what to do.

sparklemagic · 13/05/2006 20:28

Yes, it is a really hard time so you mustn't be surprised about this sort of thing happening.... I am going to venture a really un-PC opinion here and say that men in general do not seem to have the un-selfishness hormone that comes when women have babies (most women have it anyway!) and I think adjusting to someone else being centre stage, and needing loads and loads of caring for (with nothing yet in the way of rewards - no smiles, can't chuck 'em about and make them giggle or take them out and run about..etc) is actually really really hard for lots of men.

So I do think some appreciative comments are a necessity for your DH, tell him what a good dad he is, how well he does this that and the other....it's like a self fulfilling prophecy sometimes! Also, being praised makes him realise that YOU wouldn't mind a bit of praise too in my opinion. Try and be eachother's biggest fans, cos no-one else at present knows just how hard you are working.

Though I would personally try to train him out of thinking he is 'helping'.....wot?? He is caring for HIS child, not 'helping'!!!!

Best of luck, just be kind to eachother and soon things will ease, honestly.

shellybelly · 13/05/2006 20:30

Myself and dh have never argued so much since we had our child, its hard work and very tiring and I think couples who don't argue (and i'm sure there are some) are very lucky. DH and I shouted at each today in front of dd (we were moving from one bedroom to another and there was a hell of a lot of furniture) our dd is approaching one soon and i'm sure she won't remember it, I think you have to accept that you are both very sensitive at the moment and just work through it but my real advice would be to sit down and talk about things it does get better (imo the first six week are hellish as both you and your dh get to know your baby) good luck

Raggydoll · 13/05/2006 21:31

yes - my dh actually said 'what about me' after the birth of our second child. i know it sounds shocking but he only said what most men are thinking . you are both under pressure so there will be lots of comments said in haste and not really meant - in view of this its probably best to ignore as much as you can and continue with the compliments, i liked sparklemagics comment about being each others biggest fan.

bubblepop · 13/05/2006 21:32

bouncer, your hub is probably trying his best, but i don't think men can really really understand how you are feeling when you have just had a baby, every little thing is magnified isnt it? lack of sleep is a very bad thing, a small mole hill suddenly becomes a mountain! just take one day at a time, try not to expect too much.just concentrate on feeding yourself and your baby,and get as much rest as you can. nothing else really matters. when you get the odd quiet moment, relax and remind yourself how bored you was before! there will soon be light at the end of the tunnel,and by the way, the baby won't remember this time

bourneville · 15/05/2006 21:58

omg 2 weeks IS such a short time, i hardly remember much about those 2 weeks and i was v v lucky to be a single mum looked after by my parents who had taken those 2 weeks off work... seriously, the first 6 weeks i'd say didn't feel like real life at all, so just hang on in there, it will get easier!

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