My son's girlfriend-talking about suicide

[sick0fants]

Ds1 is 13.
I just found out via my facebook newsfeed and with a bit of digging after seeing a comment he posted there that his girlfriend was found the other night in her bed room with some pills and had told a few people she was going to kill herself.
Ds got a phone call 2 nights ago late in the evening, when I asked about it then he said it was just his mate ringing for a chat as they had been in town together that day.
Clearly it was ds being told about his girlfriend as it was same night and noone calls him at that time.
So, I feel gutted that he doesn't feel able to talk to me about it, and worried about how he is generally, and upset that he fibbed about the phone call.
I feel I should bring up the fact that I know about gfs situation and ask how he is feeling, but don't want to make him close up even more.
I thought we were close and to realise he doesn't confide in me when he's

There is absolutely no way a 13 year old child has the set of emotional devices in place to deal with this kind of fall-out. No way. I'd tread very carefully here OP - you don't want to be too permissive of him in this situation, you really don't. He may be a 'coper' and that's all credit to both him and you (you've clearly raised a level-headed lad), but a suicide attempt from an obviously disturbed girl is something that could really derail him.

I have direct, hands-on experience of working with this year group and it's not pretty. I've witnessed first hand the drama's and attention-seeking that seem to be very concentrated at this age; some of it really nasty and provocative (we have facebook and askfm to thank for that) so to some extent, I see exactly where Cogito is coming from. The more distance you can put between that and your DS, the better. You'd be astonished at the lengths some of these audience-seeking teenagers go to for attention .

That said, I've also been helping a really distressed 13 year old with coping strategies; her anxiety is genuine and heartbreaking to watch. So, no drama-llama there, just a wee girl who has no one to look out for her.

The point is, whatever the scenario OP, it is simply too much for your son to take on.

Good luck.

sick0fants I think you handled it perfectly. I think trying to derail this relationship now could be counter-productive. The important thing is that your DS knows that he can confide in you about how he's feeling about this topic.

I have a (nearly) 12 year old DS and I would have done the same as you. Mine normally stews over things for several days and then comes to me to talk it over. He rarely tells me things immediately after the fact.

I also lost my first 'love' (from when I was 13) to suicide - many years later when he was 19. It was heartbreaking and completely out of the blue so I would never advocate taking such threats lightly - you never know what people are going through in silence.

OP I think you handled this brilliantly. FWIW, I agree that if you try to stop them seeing each other, you run the risk of him feeling he cannot come to you again, whereas now he knows he can, and you will talk and listen. You also risk driving them underground, which might put your DS under more pressure.
Please point him, and her, in the direction of ChildLine. They are there 24/7, and they are someone to talk to. There are some things it is hard to talk to a parent about, or some times when that parent is not available, so he might like to know they are there if he needs them.

OP, I think you've done really well.

DD is 15, she has a friend who's father has been in prison for drug-dealing. The friend has been selling drugs and given the money to another friend who had some money problems. In dd's book that makes him a really kind person.

He smokes, he takes/has taken drugs. His uncle, died suddenly less than a year ago at the age of 19 due to a heart problem. He has the same heart problem. Dd is saying that she wants to give him her heart - she doesn't want to know about blood groups, tissue types, logic or anything else. Basically, out of some sort of skewed hero-worship for him, he can't do anything wrong.

She wants to die before she's 30 - she says if we stop her smoking, we're making her self-harm. Her psychiatrist, says give her an ultimatum and point her to a knife. (All Sabatier, and kept well-sharpened - she's covered in scars.) Another psychiatrist told us to clear the house, garden, wash-house of all possible harmful subtances/object or lock them in a cupboard - we've got a petrol mower, strimmer, branch muncher, kitchen knives. The GP says that we're legally liable if we don't call the emergency services when she makes suicide/self-harming threats. The psychiatrists say that when she attacks us it's a mental health problem not a police one. The police say that if she were their daughter they'd slap her one.

We can't think what to do for the best, to try to get her to take a step back from his problems, illegal activities. Apparently he's facing prison at the moment, and his dad will only allow him out to see her, none of his other friends - even though it's causing us problems. We wish they'd never moved into the village - we're thinking of moving anyway. However, we've got an assessment for autism - probably PDA - in September/October, and if we move, it will be another authority and we'll have to start the same application process over again. Along with the typical symptoms of pda, she has a pathological need to be in control of her environment, and is both physically and verbally violent - the fear of the threat of violence every weekend when she's home makes me feel suicidal from the stress of walking on egg-shells.

Wish there were a guide book.

Oh God tb
I don't know what to say

Thanks so much for the further replies, experiences and advice. Ds is aware of Childline and Samaritans-as luck would have it someone from the Samaritans came to his school just before the Easter hols, so he has a leaflet with their number on, which is good.

Ohtobecleo that's so sad about your first love. I recently read about a charity called CALM, which has been set up in response to the high number of young male suicides. Hopefully it will become better known as a source of help for young men, and help to save many lives.

tb

You are having such a tough time, I am so sorry. I hope you have some good support from family and friends.
Have you found Maryz's support thread in the teenagers section of talk? There may be some people who can help and support you really well there, and Maryz always provides wonderful, thoughtful and caring words of wisdom to lots of struggling parents.
I hope things get easier for you soon.

Things are calmer here. Ds went into town today with friends, including his gf, and when he came home he divulged a bit more about her home situation, which is very troubled. We had a lovely chat last night too, about other stuff, and ds was on good form, so I think he feels ok about things at the moment. I will be sure to keep a very close eye on him and how things are going.

Thanks again for all the replies