My son's girlfriend-talking about suicide

[sick0fants]

Ds1 is 13.
I just found out via my facebook newsfeed and with a bit of digging after seeing a comment he posted there that his girlfriend was found the other night in her bed room with some pills and had told a few people she was going to kill herself.
Ds got a phone call 2 nights ago late in the evening, when I asked about it then he said it was just his mate ringing for a chat as they had been in town together that day.
Clearly it was ds being told about his girlfriend as it was same night and noone calls him at that time.
So, I feel gutted that he doesn't feel able to talk to me about it, and worried about how he is generally, and upset that he fibbed about the phone call.
I feel I should bring up the fact that I know about gfs situation and ask how he is feeling, but don't want to make him close up even more.
I thought we were close and to realise he doesn't confide in me when he's

[sick0fants]

Thanks so much for the further replies, experiences and advice. Ds is aware of Childline and Samaritans-as luck would have it someone from the Samaritans came to his school just before the Easter hols, so he has a leaflet with their number on, which is good.

Ohtobecleo that's so sad about your first love. I recently read about a charity called CALM, which has been set up in response to the high number of young male suicides. Hopefully it will become better known as a source of help for young men, and help to save many lives.

tb

You are having such a tough time, I am so sorry. I hope you have some good support from family and friends.
Have you found Maryz's support thread in the teenagers section of talk? There may be some people who can help and support you really well there, and Maryz always provides wonderful, thoughtful and caring words of wisdom to lots of struggling parents.
I hope things get easier for you soon.

Things are calmer here. Ds went into town today with friends, including his gf, and when he came home he divulged a bit more about her home situation, which is very troubled. We had a lovely chat last night too, about other stuff, and ds was on good form, so I think he feels ok about things at the moment. I will be sure to keep a very close eye on him and how things are going.

Thanks again for all the replies

[LittleEsme]

Oh God tb
I don't know what to say

[tb]

OP, I think you've done really well.

DD is 15, she has a friend who's father has been in prison for drug-dealing. The friend has been selling drugs and given the money to another friend who had some money problems. In dd's book that makes him a really kind person.

He smokes, he takes/has taken drugs. His uncle, died suddenly less than a year ago at the age of 19 due to a heart problem. He has the same heart problem. Dd is saying that she wants to give him her heart - she doesn't want to know about blood groups, tissue types, logic or anything else. Basically, out of some sort of skewed hero-worship for him, he can't do anything wrong.

She wants to die before she's 30 - she says if we stop her smoking, we're making her self-harm. Her psychiatrist, says give her an ultimatum and point her to a knife. (All Sabatier, and kept well-sharpened - she's covered in scars.) Another psychiatrist told us to clear the house, garden, wash-house of all possible harmful subtances/object or lock them in a cupboard - we've got a petrol mower, strimmer, branch muncher, kitchen knives. The GP says that we're legally liable if we don't call the emergency services when she makes suicide/self-harming threats. The psychiatrists say that when she attacks us it's a mental health problem not a police one. The police say that if she were their daughter they'd slap her one.

We can't think what to do for the best, to try to get her to take a step back from his problems, illegal activities. Apparently he's facing prison at the moment, and his dad will only allow him out to see her, none of his other friends - even though it's causing us problems. We wish they'd never moved into the village - we're thinking of moving anyway. However, we've got an assessment for autism - probably PDA - in September/October, and if we move, it will be another authority and we'll have to start the same application process over again. Along with the typical symptoms of pda, she has a pathological need to be in control of her environment, and is both physically and verbally violent - the fear of the threat of violence every weekend when she's home makes me feel suicidal from the stress of walking on egg-shells.

Wish there were a guide book.

[Theoscargoesto]

OP I think you handled this brilliantly. FWIW, I agree that if you try to stop them seeing each other, you run the risk of him feeling he cannot come to you again, whereas now he knows he can, and you will talk and listen. You also risk driving them underground, which might put your DS under more pressure.
Please point him, and her, in the direction of ChildLine. They are there 24/7, and they are someone to talk to. There are some things it is hard to talk to a parent about, or some times when that parent is not available, so he might like to know they are there if he needs them.

[ohtobecleo]

sick0fants I think you handled it perfectly. I think trying to derail this relationship now could be counter-productive. The important thing is that your DS knows that he can confide in you about how he's feeling about this topic.

I have a (nearly) 12 year old DS and I would have done the same as you. Mine normally stews over things for several days and then comes to me to talk it over. He rarely tells me things immediately after the fact.

I also lost my first 'love' (from when I was 13) to suicide - many years later when he was 19. It was heartbreaking and completely out of the blue so I would never advocate taking such threats lightly - you never know what people are going through in silence.

[LittleEsme]

There is absolutely no way a 13 year old child has the set of emotional devices in place to deal with this kind of fall-out. No way. I'd tread very carefully here OP - you don't want to be too permissive of him in this situation, you really don't. He may be a 'coper' and that's all credit to both him and you (you've clearly raised a level-headed lad), but a suicide attempt from an obviously disturbed girl is something that could really derail him.

I have direct, hands-on experience of working with this year group and it's not pretty. I've witnessed first hand the drama's and attention-seeking that seem to be very concentrated at this age; some of it really nasty and provocative (we have facebook and askfm to thank for that) so to some extent, I see exactly where Cogito is coming from. The more distance you can put between that and your DS, the better. You'd be astonished at the lengths some of these audience-seeking teenagers go to for attention .

That said, I've also been helping a really distressed 13 year old with coping strategies; her anxiety is genuine and heartbreaking to watch. So, no drama-llama there, just a wee girl who has no one to look out for her.

The point is, whatever the scenario OP, it is simply too much for your son to take on.

Good luck.

[5318008]

oh god sorry, stupid me

ignore please

[FryOneFatManic]

5318008 The police are involved and the girl is now having counselling. Her parents will definitely know now.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Sick0fants

It is a dilemma. I understand what you say completely and think you a treadingna good line. I also think you do need to keep a close eye. If his image of himself is of a mature coper and supporter he may not be able to see what is realistic and acceptable for him to take on, may even be flattered by it, subconsciously.

[5318008]

Have you told her parents? you must

the responsibility of this knowledge should not rest with you and your son solely

[sick0fants]

as they grow into young adults

[sick0fants]

I have taken on board what you have said mc balls, and i will say to him that he MUST speak to an adult if she tells him she has thoughts like this again, or similar, and he must explain to her that despite caring for her, she needs to talk to an adult with specialist knowledge, not him, about those feelings, as he's not the best person to help her.

I am influenced by having a very strict, domineering, critical mother, who dismissed my feelings often, so I may be guilty of being too far the other way with ds so he knows I won't judge him harshly if he makes a mistake or override his feelings. Such a hard balance between protection and freedom

[McBalls]

Well, you've obviously thought it through and done what you think best. And I don't have a 13yo so I suppose it's easy for me to say what I would do.

I do think it was great that you used the situation to have a talk about seeking help if feeling down (or worse).

[sick0fants]

Thanks quietly
I think she will, as police were involved etc

[sick0fants]

mcballs he already has had to deal with it though, along with other of her friends who were aware of what happened.
As I said, gf is having counselling so she is already talking things through.
My son is of course my priority, I disagree though that he should be made to have nothing to do with her. I think it would make him see her in secret and push him further towards her. I'm not going to ground him, take his phone away and his laptop, and start picking him up from the school gate so he doesn't have anything to do with her. I can impress on him the need for all his friends to seek adult help if they're in trouble, but 24 hr surveillance to stop him being in cintact with her doesn't sit right with me, and that is what it would take.
Ds mostly sees her in a group anyway. If I thought ds was at risk of harm, I would intervene, but I don't, especially given what I've explained.

[McBalls]

Oh my god, a million times what Quietly said.

He's 13! And you don't feel you have the right to interfere??

Your son is your priority, on what fucking planet should a 13yo child be dealing with someone making suicidal threats?

Speak to her parents or the school or some other appropriate adult to ensure someone will help her (whether that's help her deal with real issues or help her realise that seeking attention in this way is not on) and then sit your son down tell him he's been wonderful but this isn't the sort of pressure he should be dealing with, and the 'relationship' has to stop.

[sick0fants]

Thanks again for all your replies

[sick0fants]

Well we had a long chat last night. Ds said he hadn't spoken about it because he just didn't want to talk about it, but wouldn't say why. I think perhaps because he knew if he did he would get very upset and cry so he was just keeping it all in. It's a hard conversation to start, and I understand his reluctance.
I did say I thought it was important to talk about things that upset us a lot, that it didn't have to be to me, but that keeping it all in can make things worse sometimes and be a heavy burden to carry.

He was very tearful and worried about gf clearly. I asked if he thought she would have gone through with taking the pills if her friend hadn't intervened, and he said he didn't know. I explained that sometimes people told others they were suicidal as a cry for help, and that I thought this might be the case here, as she gave warnings to a few people, and hadn't actually taken the pills. I said this to try and reassure him a bit, as my understanding of what's gone on is that gf is having a very tough time and needed somehow to let the outside world know how very bad things were for her at home.

It turns out her grandma has just died, and her parents' behaviour is causing her a lot of unhappiness. They live under the same roof but are separated and fight a lot, so I think gf has possibly felt invisible and alone at home.

It's a very sad situation, but I gather the police were involved and she is having counselling, so I hope that will enable her to feel less unhappy, and will make her parents aware of how miserable their behaviour is making her.
We had a more general conversation about suicide as well, and I impressed on ds the need to talk to someone if he ever felt very low, because even if he felt like things could never get better for some reason, talking to someone was really important because when we feel low we're not always able to see things clearly, take a step back, etc.

My neighbour's son committed suicide a few years ago, I watched him grow up, and it has been so so sad to see the consequences for his family. His father is a broken man, consumed by grief, still going to the place it happened every day to light a candle. My uncle committed suicide too, so it's a very real worry, as I am acutely aware of how someone can take their own life without others being aware of their mental suffering, and not recover from the awfulness of it.

cory so sorry to hear your dd has been very unhappy, I hope she will get through the sadness and see a brighter future ahead. Must be terribly terribly hard for you as a parent

quietly I don't feel I have the right to interfere atm, ds is very mature and level headed, his cousin always phones him first when she's in a pickle, and he manages to give good advice without getting too involved if that makes sense. He would lose all respect for me if I tried to stop him seeing her, plus I think she could do with some support in the way of just having a normal time when she's not at home. Now I know what's been happening at least I can monitor the situation.

It's just really hard when things like this happen as it highlights to me the fact that no matter how much you want to, you can't protect your children from encountering difficult situations or save them from suffering.

[Cherylkerl]

That's so sad, but don't assume it means you two aren't close - maybe he doesn't want to worry you or has been asked not to say anything. It's a taboo subject in any case never mind being a teenager.

Hope the hot choc and biccies talk helps

[cory]

Cogito, we have heard no evidence that the gf is using the suicide threat to manipulate the OPs ds or anybody else. It may well be that it is a genuine cry for help.

Some young people do attempt suicide. Some succeed. My dd has failed twice. Thankfully.

Dh's friend failed the first time. But not the second.

[sick0fants]

Thanks for all the replies, thoughts and advice. Once I have got younger dcs tucked up in bed I will sit down with him (hot choc and biccies included! ) and see how we go

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I would do what Pancake suggests - and I have a 12 year old DS

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Cogito

That's heartless. You have no idea what could be going on for that girl