Please help, this was hard for me

[Lifeofpoo]

So, here I go, this is very difficult for me as it must be for many of you that have managed to share.
So, on the surface I should be happy: caring husband, three happy, kind, loving teenagers, good life style, good at job, friends that care.
However I am regularly using a drug to suppress my feelings.
I don't think that I'm addicted as I can stop easily and for long periods. But when I do I feel numb inside, my husband becomes dull, I get anxious about children and their achievements. I walk around like a zombie with nothing to say, either disinterested or full of furry.
No one knows this, not my kind, caring dh, not my close friends that I've had since I was 15.
I am living a very successful lie, I know I shouldn't be, how do I stop.

Oh god, the fact that you agree with me isn't helping!

Sunset. August. Jasmine and night scented stock. Very cold Sauvignon Blanc. Splif.

But also...

Chest pains - might be cancer
Tongue feels funny - might be cancer
Little lump on my lip - might be cancer
Coughing - might be cancer
Horrid batch of dope covered in ammonia cos it's gone mouldy so I smoke it anyway (before I discover water curing on the kind of websites that only 15 year old boys should be on) and my eyes go funny - cancer of the eye?

One thing the Alan Carr book talked about was the fact that people who don't smoke don't sit around feeling bored because they can't smoke. And that really resonated with me.

And I am lucky that I can't get hold of any locally. Have moved to a new town and can only imagine the looks on the other mothers' faces if I were to sidle up and say 'do you know of anywhere I could buy...?' I agree that it would be very difficult to stop if I had any in the house.

Is it really possible do you think waterlego to go from smoking every night to moderation?

Lots of sense in your post! The fear of health problems is certainly a biggy. Unfortunately, I still smoke (cigarettes), which I've been addicted to for even longer than I used weed. That'll be another tough nut to crack.

As to whether it's possible to go from very regular use (aka addiction) to moderation...I don't know. Personally, I doubt it, to be honest. I certainly know it's not possible for me, and I've never met an alcoholic who was able to become a moderate drinker. Can't remember where I read it, but 'my drug of choice is more' absolutely sums it up for me. Cigs, weed, booze, food....I always want more.

Re 12 step programmes (which I was going to mention earlier but forgot), yes, a weed addict can absolutely go to an NA or AA meeting. They all work in the same way, the substance itself isn't really important.

Having said that, there is actually an MA meeting near me (in Brighton, where weed use is pretty rife) which I attended once with a friend. There were some things about it I really liked but ultimately I decided it wasn't for me as I just couldn't relate to some of the wording of the 'steps'. But some people get on really well with that sort of approach so it might be worth trying OP.

That made me laugh as I realised that I was hoping you would say 'yes, moderation is possible' which would give me 'permission' to start thinking about getting some more. Not that I'm saying it would have been your fault waterlego, just smiling at how daft I can be sometimes.

Ha ha! I totally get that, I've often had similar thoughts myself- during previous periods of abstinence. You can guess how well that panned out :)

In my experience, it's a case of 'just a one-off' e.g. a party/camping trip. That then becomes 'occasional', which becomes 'weekends only', then weekends start including Fridays and so on...

Gosh, I really miss it right now.

One of the questions my drug counsellor used which resonated was: 'what evidence have you got for that?' So, if I was thinking of having a 'one-off' smoke, she would ask me what evidence I had, from previous experience, that I could do that without reverting to proper smoking. The answer was: none whatsoever :D

That makes sense. It's just that 'never' seems very final. And it must be difficult for you Lifeofpoo if you feel it genuinely makes you a nicer person.

Absolutely. 'Never' is too scary. I have to take it on a day-by-day basis much of the time.

Yes Lifeofpoo. That struck me too. Your OP mentioned finding your husband dull; anxiety about the children... Your smoking is escapism, I suppose. :(

Just to update...still clean...have not shouted at anyone yet. Been keeping busy, candy crush is my new best friend and therapist.
It's toughest at about ten, once kids in bed and alone with dh, I'm not being especially nice to him, a bit distant and unloving, as I'm concentrating on myself. I will try to make extra effort.
Waterlego and littleyellow, thank you, you have made me feel normal and worth it. Hope you're both fine.