Please help, this was hard for me

[Lifeofpoo]

So, here I go, this is very difficult for me as it must be for many of you that have managed to share.
So, on the surface I should be happy: caring husband, three happy, kind, loving teenagers, good life style, good at job, friends that care.
However I am regularly using a drug to suppress my feelings.
I don't think that I'm addicted as I can stop easily and for long periods. But when I do I feel numb inside, my husband becomes dull, I get anxious about children and their achievements. I walk around like a zombie with nothing to say, either disinterested or full of furry.
No one knows this, not my kind, caring dh, not my close friends that I've had since I was 15.
I am living a very successful lie, I know I shouldn't be, how do I stop.

I smoked cannabis every day when I was abroad with my awful ex, in my awful previous life.

I came back home and gave up. You're not happy for whatever reason, but you owe it to yourself to find out how to get the happy you back.

You could be depressed, there doesn't have to be a reason for that. It does just happen.

Keep talking to us, we'll help you find your way through this.

It's going to be OK.

Good point deffodil it could be hormonal and HRT might help a lot. Do you sleep badly, get palpitations and wake all sweaty OP? I second talking to your GP.

I went through this and found a really good psychotherapist through BACP online who helped me. In my case I had to face that my husband wasn' actually the kind man he said he was and I was in denial. I'm happier now.

oh, you and a fair few people, I should imagine. ie LOTS of people!

I always find 12-step groups just so wonderful in dealing with any type of addiction/addictive behaviour. Being able to give up for long periods doesn't mean you're not addicted (neither does it mean you are), just that you rely on it to give you a semblance of normality. I know someone who relied heavily on a few cans of lager every night when the kids were in bed - not a lot of booze but the impulse behind it ie she was totally dependent on it psychologically.

anyway, there's no black or whiteness about this - the fact is, you're dependent, and panicky at the thought of what you would face if you stopped. Lots of resolution to stop; stopping; then failing - and feeling crapper than crap; so reaching for the substance/behaviour.... etc etc etc. The first step in any 12-step programme is recognising that you can't control the 'addiction' to whatever it is.

NA may be a good port of call for you - narcotics anonymous. YOu would meet scores of people exactly like you. which in itself reduces the shame dramatically.

YOu are trying to cope in the best way you can. YOu are not a bad person. If you are concerned about your behaviour when you are not self-medicating then that suggests there is some deep-seated stuff going on with you that needs to be addressed - you wouldn't be the first or the last to try to blank out difficult and unmanageable feelings by using a substance or a behaviour. There is a way to address those feelings though but imo it will take some professional support eg a therapist, a support group, a 12-step group. All of which are marvellous imo and ime.

good luck honey xxxx

Some counselling might really help you get to the root of your stress and give you somewhere you can release your emotions safely without it impacting the family you love. You can access via your GP, but there is generally a waiting list.

One thing about smoking a spliff (if you use tobacco) is that you get nicotine withdrawal which can make you more irritable. Also the emotions you were avoiding can come back stronger because you have blanked them out rather than working through them.

You could consider some form of exercise to help you, the endorphins released would give you a boost. Something gentle like Tai Chi might help you de-stress if you are not the active type.

I found exercise very helpful when I stopped abusing substances many years ago.

Your mood/anxiety could be hormone related. Before I took HRT I was a different person, anxious , agressive and had bouts of not thinking straight.
Do go to the Doctors, if it is down to depression or hormones they should be able to help.
Exercise is always good for keeping your moods upbeat as well.
Well done for tackling your problem and good luck

Just to say that this is my fourth clean day, feel fantastic and so proud, I know it's early day and the week end will be a real test, but so far so fantastic.
I really want to say thanks for all of you that took the time to listen and support.
I am an expert in denial and pretending everything is great and to say to anyone that I have faults and fears is impossible but you lot allowed me to do that.
I plunged in and told strangers that I was an irresponsible drug user and got love and support back.
That gave me the strength to have a go, thank you.
I'm off to do food shop with spring in my step and your kind words in my head. Thanks kind, wise vipers.

Bloody well done! :)

Well done OP! Take it one day at a time and dont be afraid to ask for help if you are struggling. Good luck

brilliant! well done!

I had terrible temper problems, horrible up rage that frightened me so much.

Turned out I had PTSD and therapy sorted it out. I'm sooooo different now.

Good for you OP.

Well done :)

Well done lifeofpoo....

Keep posting, especially at the difficult times!!

Hi Poo

Just wanted to add my heart felt congratulations theres loads of help out there should you need someone to lean on, and of course us on here.

Fantastic. What an achievement.

Well done Lifeofpoo! It's hard to make big changes. Making the decision in the first place is hard, but you are obviously very determined to succeed.

You OP could have been written by me, except that my DCs are younger than yours. I have used weed (and alcohol and EDs) for 15 years to self-medicate/suppress/punish myself for difficult feelings. I sought help a year ago and began a long process of recovery. I abstained for much of last year, with a couple of lapses. Currently I am in week 15 of being cannabis-free. Sometimes it's great and easy; sometimes it still feels impossibly hard. These things I have relied upon for such a long time are no longer there and I can feel lost and depressed and like I no longer have any idea who I am. I still sometimes want to bury myself in behaviours which make me feel safe, but which are actually pretty destructive.

I just wanted to say that, while stopping the substance use itself is a huge achievement, it might also still be useful to seek help for the reasons behind your using. In my case, it has been a long road. I have had CBT and used ADs. Last year I had a drug counsellor and I am now starting a different course of counselling.

I'm still not sure I really know the reasons for my self-destructive behaviours but I live in hope that I will one day understand myself better, and that in turn will strengthen my resolve for abstaining.

Wishing you lots of luck.

Fantastic waterlego,Ihave bad news, I relapsed tonight, dh Was ill so was easy to sneak one in, looked for scraps at bottom of draw, disgusting and desperate.
But im sort of feeling ok, think if I managed before I'll do it again. You're all so kind, I'll try harder. Think I just like the deception, like the seediness and naughtiness. I'm seem so "good" in normal life, I enjoy having this private bad part of me.
How can I get rid of that? Tomorrow will be better and you are all so kind

You're so brave waterlego, I don't feel like I deserve a councillor, nothing truly terrible has ever happened to me. Slightly toxic mother, tough primary school (undies nosed dyslexia) but generally very privileged and lucky.
I'm just an idiot,

Same here. Day 4 no dope. Have flushed my last 8th down the loo.

I'm 42 and like have naice middle class life and nobody would know.

If it weren't for the fact that the only person I know to buy any from lives 250 miles away I'd have relapsed tonight.

So here we go again.
Day one.
Littleyellowball are you me, sameish age and life. Well done.
Feel so tired after work, have to go out tonight and one little spiff would be lovely....but I'm made of sterner stuff, I hope.

There have been times over the last few days that I've felt bored in advance about the rest of my life - the thought of sitting out in my garden over summer feels really dull without a splif.

And other times when I've thought - yippee, I don't smoke!

How do you do it without your DH knowing?

There have been so many times over the last year or so so when I've fretted about my health, that I should be happier to have stopped. I have to buy it in ounces as I don't know anywhere local to buy it, was finally able to get rid of the last of it after reading the Alan Car stop smoking book, as not sure I wasn't as addicted to the nicotine as the dope.

If I think about people I admire, I know I would think worse of them if I knew they smoked every night. So I try to hold onto that thought. What seems cool in your 20's seems a bit sad in your 40's I think.

Your first sentence describes it beautifully.
Dh is occasional smoker, as are many friends, he doesn't know that I smoke so often. I'm great at deception and as I said enjoy that side of it, my little secret, it makes me feel cleaver and naughty, why I need to feel that way I don't know.
When I don't smoke spiff I don't really fancy a ciggy, well not as much, it doesn't feel worth it.
I agree it's sad in forties, I never thought it was cool though, was always ashamed to tell others. Even my spiff smoking friends don't know about my full dependency, I function very well stoned, I'm successful, organised, active, chatty, full of energy.
But I do really worry about health implications, more though I worry about my relationships. I'm lying to dh and DCs, why do I need to do that. I love them all sooooo much, they deserve better.
But I think that I'm better on it than off, it suppresses the spoilt, nasty side of me, it controls my outburst, my bordom, my selfishness.

Adapted from George Orwell 'Keep the Aspidistra Flying' "Bored in advance by tomorrow's tobaccoless hours".

LifeofPoo, you won't be able to stop if you have dope in reach.

Throw it away and force yourself to think about everystep you'd have to take to get it.

I know I stopped as there was no supply for me back in the UK, and money was the hook I needed to get me off the cigarettes, I was horrified at the cost of buying them! It just didn't make sense to me to waste £7 like that. I'd not bought any for years, ExP did, and at the ridiculously cheap middle east prices!

So you had a minor fall off the wagon? Ok, well all's not lost, the wagon'll wait for you. Get back on it!

You can do this! You're half way there, you want to give it up!

You can go to NA meetings or SMART recovery. Plenty of people attend NA meetings that were "only" addicted to cannabis.

Lifeofpoo Thank you for your kind words, but I don't think I'm brave. No braver or less brave than anyone else really. And nothing really terrible has happened to me either. But I guess people vary in how they react to difficulties in their lives. You mention a toxic mother. That's not exactly a bed of roses, I'm sure.

In my case, I put a lot of my behaviour down to two things: a health problem I had as a child (nothing serious at all, but something which perhaps meddled with my emotions and psychology at an impressionable age); and my first serious relationship with a bloke who was quite intense and controlling. There were lots of incidents in that relationship which messed with my psychology. Neither of these were terribly traumatic things; but they have left a lasting impact on me for various reasons. As for not 'deserving' a counsellor...well, people see counsellor's for all sorts of reasons, some very serious, some not as much. If there's something you think you want or need to talk about, then you've as much right to see a counsellor as anyone has.

Lifeofpoo What you say about the excitement of the secrecy and seediness...I completely and utterly relate to that. It's something I said numerous times to my counsellor. It's like my dark side. I still don't know why I feel like that, or what I can do about it, but I do know it's got me into trouble in various ways.

Have you looked into services in your area? As far as I know, all areas have some sort of drug treatment/counselling service that's free. They usually have a 'drop in' you can go to and chew it over with someone. What I liked about the one I went to is that their stated aim is to help the client arrive at what it is they want- whether that be moderation or total abstinence (with no judgements either way). In my case, total abstinence seemed the only way to go, but had I wanted to just moderate my use, they would have worked on that with me.

Littleyellowball
Garden, summer, spliff....see, reading that made me ache for a spliff and a sunny day. I'm a bit scared those cravings will never go :( But even if they don't, I don't have to act on them. Have to remind myself that I've always got a choice.