The apologies of an abusive man do they ever really mean anything?

[committee]

After being subjected to some of the most vile verbal abuse I have experienced in my entire life, examples such as "you are a fucked up mental case", "a fat cunt", "I really hope you that cancer spreads through your body and you die" (whilst I was going through investigations for ovarian cancer) and the worst being, "you should commit suicide like your fucked up mother" (my mother had mental health issues and committed suicide when I was 13). This is only some of it and after 10 years I also discovered that he had been married and had 2 grown up sons before I met him. This I found out through our DS who was introduced to them as his brothers. I have to add this was one of many lies over the years. He lied about his age, his nationality, even his name. I was never allowed to meet any of his family or friends.

We have never really lived together and things were on and off for years. We used to do things as a family, outings,eat meals together etc, and I have an older DS from a previous relationship.

So finally something snapped and I had enough and I told him it was over and basically limited contact with XP. The abuse escalated to abusive meassages on my home phone, abusive texts and culminating in four days of abuse via email. I have stopped XP coming into my house anymore, even to use the toilet, when picking up DS2 as he was using this as an excuse to worm his way back in.

I have had to resort to using choose to refuse so as to have some peace. After a while the apologies, begging for forgiveness started by teaxt and email. He had been a dickhead and that he wanted us to be a family. He keeps suggesting that I should give him a chance and should talk to him. I know its all about him and what he feels and he knows what he has lost. Not once has he expressed any remorse for the pain, hurt and utter despair I have suffered. It is almost as though he expects me to forget about everything he has done and move on, go back to the ways things were. I cannot find it in myself to forgive any of it, I just want to get on with my life and I am so much happier now he is no longer around. The apologies are not really meant are they?

Finish with him.

I don't believe DS2 to be at risk from XP. They have a good relationship and DS2 does want to see and spend time with him. If anything XP is overprotective of DS2 and he won't allow me to take DS2 on the underground or on the motorway. This is wher XP's paranoia come into play and it extends to DS2.

If I were to report XP then he would more than likely treat it as act of revenge on my part and he would in turn be likely to make false accusations to SS about me, as he is very good at creating complete fantasies and stories. He also comes across as very reasonable and plausible. I know the way Xp's mind works and contact with his son, albeit erratic, matters to him and if he thinks I am doing anything to prevent this he will make my life hell. Things are calm at the moment and I have no problem with DS having contact with him.

Personally I don't believe that XP would carry out his threat. He stands to lose a great deal and I don't matter to him that much that he would risk his relationship with his son.

Re: the texts, they are not for use in evidence or courts (as they can be altered) but it's always good to keep them and the emails and any notes of contact when/if you do decide to go no contact.

A child being at risk is one thing. Regardless of that, a child exposed to a man that uses fear of violence against others to control and manipulate them, a man who favours one child over another, or who uses the children to hurt the mother is HARMFUL to them.

Minimise contact, minimise the freedom and the harm your Ex can do. Take charge of the situation.