The apologies of an abusive man do they ever really mean anything?

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After being subjected to some of the most vile verbal abuse I have experienced in my entire life, examples such as "you are a fucked up mental case", "a fat cunt", "I really hope you that cancer spreads through your body and you die" (whilst I was going through investigations for ovarian cancer) and the worst being, "you should commit suicide like your fucked up mother" (my mother had mental health issues and committed suicide when I was 13). This is only some of it and after 10 years I also discovered that he had been married and had 2 grown up sons before I met him. This I found out through our DS who was introduced to them as his brothers. I have to add this was one of many lies over the years. He lied about his age, his nationality, even his name. I was never allowed to meet any of his family or friends.

We have never really lived together and things were on and off for years. We used to do things as a family, outings,eat meals together etc, and I have an older DS from a previous relationship.

So finally something snapped and I had enough and I told him it was over and basically limited contact with XP. The abuse escalated to abusive meassages on my home phone, abusive texts and culminating in four days of abuse via email. I have stopped XP coming into my house anymore, even to use the toilet, when picking up DS2 as he was using this as an excuse to worm his way back in.

I have had to resort to using choose to refuse so as to have some peace. After a while the apologies, begging for forgiveness started by teaxt and email. He had been a dickhead and that he wanted us to be a family. He keeps suggesting that I should give him a chance and should talk to him. I know its all about him and what he feels and he knows what he has lost. Not once has he expressed any remorse for the pain, hurt and utter despair I have suffered. It is almost as though he expects me to forget about everything he has done and move on, go back to the ways things were. I cannot find it in myself to forgive any of it, I just want to get on with my life and I am so much happier now he is no longer around. The apologies are not really meant are they?

I know Hissy it does get easier as time goes on. Onwards and upwards as they say!

Oh and I will look into the freedom programme, thanks for the suggestion. I believe I can do it on-line and hopefully I will never end up in this situation again.

I suppose I'm at the stage of feeling sadness and loss for the life I could have had. When I broke up with XP I found myself really grieving for him and what could have been. I think I am over the worst of it as I can see him for the man he really was not what I wanted or hoped he would be.

Well done, keep telling yourself that you are absolutely brilliant for having the strength to get out of that shit. It must have been so hard. You really have achieved something so important for you and your children.

No an apology means fuck all IMO. Once a man thinks that, speaks like that I don't think they can change. They are broken and you can't fix them. The nicey nicey stuff wouldn't last 5 minutes once you let him back in. As don't let him in, either physically or mentally. That is what he is waiting for, and the he will go back to his ways. The pathetic bully.

Is there any way you can do pick ups and drop offs somewhere neutral? Anywhere so he can't sneak his way into your home?

Keep reminding yourself what you have done, try to be proud of that. Every day. You have done something that so many poor women are too scared to do.

Good luck.

All of your feelings are normal.

Personally, I"d advise you do the FP proper, not online.

You owe yourself that time, you're right, it's an insurance policy. That's how I saw it. I threw everything I could at that recovery.

No compromise. There's been enough of that already!

You'll be fine, it'll be tough in the short term, but the pay off is practically evangelical in it's wonderful, heady happiness.

Agreeing with everyone else, but just to say that you can expect further abuse once he realises his fake apologies don't work.

Keep strong.

If he ever managed to go back it's more likely that he'd think he got away with it and get even worse.

Thanks Cosmic. I'm playing it by ear at the moment with pick ups and drop offs and I had thought of using somewhere else but I think it makes it harder for DS2 if XP doesn't turn up. At least if he's at home he can just carry on with what he is doing or I try and do something with him instead.

For years he had me believing it was me who was all wrong and that I didn't meet his requirements, as he would say. He liked women to know their place, (as domestic servants basically) and that if it wasn't for sex and cooking he wouldn't bother with women at all, especially one like me. If he wanted decent conversation he would talk to a man. So on top of everything else he was a misogynist. Good riddance!

I was thinking of doing the freedom programme online as I thought it would be easier childcare wise. I'll have a look into when it is held in my area.

He knows if there is any further abuse I will cut him off completely. I have all the abusive texts and emails and I have made it clear to him that I would not hesitate to go to the police. There is one particularly bad text where he has threatened to come round and break my neck.

I really do want to delete the messages, however, as they just take me back to what I want to forget.

Oh and I forgot to add I once sent XP a link to a thread on mumsnet about how much housework husbands/partners did. It showed that a fair proportion of men do their fair share. His response " they're a bunch of man-hating lesbians" Quod Erat Demonstrandum (QED)! I did point out that this was unlikely as most of those posting had husbands.

I am finding writing all this down strangely cathartic!

Very often the FP provides childcare! Ask them, they'll bend over backwards to help you sign up!

Please go to police and have that message recorded or show solicitor and have it witnessed. This is important. Don't wait for something more to happen.
When he knows you not having him back again he will up the ante again and you wan it recognised as a continuation not as a new thing... Especially if he gets nasty abou contact or residency of dc

The I need to use the toilet thing .. Is that something they learn somewhere ? My ex used to try that one too... Cut all contact .

no is a complete sentence

His last text was 2 days ago asking if we could all go out "en famille" to the funfair. I didn't reply. He seems to have scuttled back into his hole, although it could just be the calm before the storm.

I don't think he would want residency of DS he struggles with looking after him for one day and I can see he is trying very hard to avoid having him overnight as XP doesn't like being woken up early. The man-child can barely look after himself he still goes to his mother's for dinner and I think she still does his ironing (she is in her eighties).

Thanks Hissy I'll ask about the childcare too.

Cestlavielife thanks for your advice. I did call the police a few years ago when XP hit me and they did record it although I didn't take it any further.

XP was asking to use my toilet everytime he came to the house. He became abusive when I put a stop to it and said that as he is a diabetic, legally I had to permit him to use my toilet and that he could piss anywhere. He would piss in my garden if I refused him access to the toilet. He has yet to carry out this threat and I advised him to use the Macdonalds which he passes on the way to pickup/dropoff in future.

NO

I agree, get that text death threat logged. We've had some high profile DV killings of late, so please don't hold back in exposing a dangerous man.

When life settles down, you will see how truly pathetic he is.

Has he made threats of suicide yet? If not, I'd expect it if I were you. Even my ex did this.

He recently asked if we could try again. I have to confess to needing clarification of trying again at what! :)

He also did the 'en famille' suggestion.

I told him to never, ever, EVER try to start another relationship me again, as it'd never happem.

These 'men' aren't men, they are weak, spineless cockroaches. If they had a drop of self esteem they'd encourage their partners to live well, happy and strong. They can't have that so they sit their with their metaphorical machete and hack us down, centimetre by centimetre.

We all know you can't multiply anything by nothing, but you are a billion times greater than him, and that's the reason he had to try to destroy you. none of this was ever about you, only about his ego, standing and image.

Pitiful.

Hissy thank you for sharing your experience; I can see that you have a tremendous amount of courage that has enabled you to be finally free of abuse. It shows me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think the key is keeping strong as we are stronger than we believe. Like all bullies, they don't like it when we stand up to them.

I agree it is insecurity and self-loathing which leads these men to behave the way they do. They need to feel that they are superior and better than you and all the harm and damage they inflict is about making themselves feel good.

I don't think he can bear the thought that me and the children can be happy and have a life without him.

If I inform the police about the threat he made would they want to take action against him now? I am a little wary of rocking the boat and making things worse if the police go and speak to him.

I don't know if he will threaten suicide but he as he is diabetic he would regularly tell me that he had had a hypo and had to go to hospital. Funnily enough this would happen whenever we had an argument and he didn't like what we were discussing. I told him it would be difficult for him to take DS to his house or drive if that were the case and all of sudden he says that there is nothing wrong with him, and he hasn't mentioned having a hypo since.

He is due to be seeing DS2 on Saturday although I haven't heard anything yet. He may well cancel as he sees this as another way of getting back at me. In his eyes, it is my job to look after DS2 and XP is doing me a favour by taking him to his house to "babysit" him. Basically this is the only control he has left. He has tried to get me to drop off DS2 to his house (he lives an hour away) and I have refused o the basis that it is his time with DS2 and it is up to him to make the arrangements for drop off/pick up. He chooses to live where he does and he is not prepared to move nearer to be a proper dad to DS2. Disney dad describes him perfectly with his trips to toys r us and Macdonalds regularly on his agenda.

i doubt police would do much more than log it - but frankly if they decide to talk to him so be it. not your fault.

but you do need to log it.

how old is ds 2 and does ds want to see him?

disney dad is not such a bad thing - ie if ds gets some fun and enjoyment...my dd has struggled with contact because ex doesnt do anything with her, has her at home and works on his computer ignoring her...if he did more disney (not toysrus but eg go out to park even) then things would be better...

DS2 is 6 and he does enjoy spending time with his dad. Xp does play with him on the wii, monopoly, lego etc so is good at interacting with him. But then he doesn't have to do the day to day stuff and can make it fun for DS2. XP never makes sure DS2 brushes his teeth or gives him a bath and lets him stay up really late but then that it is how he chooses to parent. XP also doesn't cook healthy meals or cook at all really. The problem for me is that XP is not consistent with regular contact sometimes weeks go by when DS2 has not seen him.

I suppose we don't really have a say in what they do with our kids. Cestlavielife do you speak to your ex about what he does with dd while she is with him or would that cause problems. Would he refuse to listen to you?

all you can do is accept that is how it is...if is someone whose anger abuse is only directed at you and he is fine with DC when he sees ds then cut contact with yourself....

yep have said - he says what he and dd his decision. which is fine..

but the outcome is that dd now refuses to go to see him..which of course is my fault ;ha ha.

but dd is 10. we having discussions with family therapist and dds raising the issues there . in the past there have been recorded and reported welfare issues due to ex's severe* anxiety/depression/aggressive MH episodes, including aggression directed at the DC, so there is more history...

(*severe and scary - not to be confused with a "normal" depression )

Please get those texts logged, and copied and witnessed at a solicitor's, too.

Yes I get blamed too if DS2 doesn't take his phone calls and I get more abuse, it never ends does it?

That sounds awful cestlavielife. Is your ex undergoing any sort of treatment and do you feel your dd is safe with him? It sounds as though it might be doing her more harm than good having to see him especially if she isn't getting anything out of it.

I am convinced my Xp has some sort of personality disorder what with the compulsive lying, lots of paranoia and flying off the handle at the slightest thing. He doesn't believe he has a problem though and everything is all my fault. DS2 has witnessed some of the aggression directed towards me and he has said to me "daddy scared you didnt he?" after he stuck his fist in my face. On another occasion I found him googling "mum and dad arguing don't know what to do?"

With regards to the abusive texts and reporting them my other concern was that, threats against a mother can be taken as a threat to the child, and I was worried that social services might get involved and stop XP from seeing DS2 and that would cause a lot of problems. I will enquire with the police what, if any, action they might take and take it from there.

I'm so pleased you have managed to get yourself and your DC out of the horrible situation you were in.
I agree with others who say to report the texts to the police.
You need to protect yourself and your DC now so make sure you do.
Also keep a diary of when he should be seeing DC and how often he lets them down etc.....
Keep writing all this stuff down it's obviously helping you and there are so many on here who have already been through this that you have so much support.
Well done again and good luck for your new life!

Good luck. And don't be afraid of contacting the friends you lost years ago. I did this and was surprised how many had slowly dropped me because my exH made them so unwelcome when they came around (obviously when I was out of the room).

It's really important you contact Women's Aid and if poss do their Freedom Programme - or you can do it online, look on Onespace.org - and to help your kids begin to recover too I'd recommend Lundy Bancroft's "When Dad Hurts Mom" book (you can read bits on Amazon, using the Look Inside feature).

Take heart, there are thousands of women who've been through what you have (if you do Freedom Prog you'll get to meet a few of them, which will really help). Well done, you're further on than many of them because you're understanding what he's done and are seeking help, brilliant! Keep on going, I know it's really, really hard though. Taking care of yourself is vital too, for you and your children. Hugs.

social services can't stop anything - only a court can do that.

if you sending ds off with a raging psychotic man then clearly you need to be advised accordingly - if however you feel that it is ranting at you which thenstops and with ds he is absolutely fine then that is different...

when ex got bad he was not able to control his behaviours around dc. or he chose not to who knows.

what happens is if you report your ex for something specific then police might refer to SS and SS might call you to see if DC are safe.

when i stopped contact and reported ex for attacking dd, in 2010 i did evnetually get a call from ss - they just asked if dc were ok and were they seeing him at the time - i could have said yes but only supervised and that would have been fine.

tho as i had already been speaking to ss as have invovlement with disabled childrens team due to ds then all that happened was i said, it is ok, dc not seeing him at pesent etc. as time went by things calmed a little and limited contact was gradually resumed ... now have family therapist involved so that dc views recognized..

you may or may no get ss follow up if you reprort ex - depends on how serious his threats to kill you are and what he says i guess. if he tells police it was a joke ha ha and presents as completely normal to police then they may just record and not mention to ss at all...

thing is, why would it be a problem if you were advised by SS no contact for dc ? it will be taken out of our hands... but likelihood is that a court would still order contact, even if supervised, if threats are only to you and not to dc.

you are in control here in the absence of a court order - if you feel ds is fine with dad and there are no child welfare issues towards child, then you tell ss that....if however, you think that he would get so angry that contact with ds would be ill advised then your call too...

thing is you have to change mindset to take action to protect a) yourself b) dc. if taking action to protect yourself means this upsets contact with DC -well so be it. your dc better off...

(personality disorder - yes no doubt but not been diagnosed so far!)