Don't really want to post but feel like I'm going nutty!

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Long story short, me and DP have been together just under a year. He's taken to DS very well, helps out a lot, is supportive & seems respectful.

But I was borrowing his phone to check my FB via his (he knew and was there) and I saw that he's liked this page & gets daily updates, basically of women in their underwear with the option of seeing them naked elsewhere on the internet (they usually post pics with links to more explicit material).

I know a lot of blokes occasionally use porn and for some reason that doesn't bother me but I just didn't think he was the 'type'.

The issue is partly because I think it's a bit sleazy & partly because whilst not massive I obviously look like I've had a kid naked & despite him saying he prefers me now to when I was a twig, I don't believe him, as I used to be the same size as most of these girls etc.

I know this is probably stupid but I feel like saying something (carefully) to him as I'm now silently judging him & feeling like it's changed my view of him slightly, which isn't that fair is it if I haven't asked him about it.

Sorry for rambling!

Eeek! Sorry, I posted this on the wrong thread. Reporting my post now.

While you're at it Orchard ask him views on lap dancing clubs. That's another one that comes up a lot on mn. Men going to clubs, having a naked lap dance and being surprised that their wife is not happy about it! Or wives being really surprised and shocked that their partner did this.

I am constantly surprised at how little couples talk to each other share their views and opinions on subjects like this. Surely each person should know what the dealbreakers are in a relationship, certainly before they have children together or get married?

Husbands thinking having a handjob, or exchanging photos isn't cheating, etc. Some days I think wtf is going on in these relationships! It never ceases to amaze me what some women will put up with.

Haha cote

No worries cote

After seeing those threads on here I did ask him about lap dancing etc & say what would be a dealbreaker for me so he knows exactly where I stand on that & would respect it if the situation came up (i.e. a stag do) or so he says! I even told him about one of the threads on here about it as I couldn't believe what I was reading!

Some of these threads in relationships have made me talk to him about things that I may not have otherwise. It's always good to know where each other stand & what the major dealbreakers are.

I've told him that if he even had an EA, let alone anything physical I'd never trust him again & would have to leave, even if I'd rather not, as no trust means no relationship.

(I have also loosely mentioned my views on porn but not directly asked him anything yet. He told me early on that he watches it when single and said 'not really' when I said does he watch it anymore).

^things aren't always that black & white, I know but I wanted to let him know partly for my sake so he could never say 'well you didn't tell me' like some blokes have, according to some of these threads.

Well 'not really' means yes. It's just a matter of how often and whether he is prepared to stop, I suppose.

I know it means he still does.

(We live apart but he stays here a lot so I know he can't be watching it more than once or twice a week to be honest).

I'd like to know how often he does properly though and discuss it with him so we can reach something that we're both comfortable with.

'Not really' isn't 'no' is it? It's well yes, but maybe not as often as before.

I think this is actually quite a tricky one...is it up to you to control what your partner looks at when they are not with you?

Guy I'm seeing suggested we watch porn together, of my choice. I freaked initially (in private...well discussed with my friend) and then told him 'no thanks, I don't like porn' and he said 'ok fair enough' and has never mentioned it again. I don't have a strong view about what he does when he's not with me, we don't live together and I'm comfortable with his attitude to women and our sex-life. I wouldn't like it though if he was looking at pics of other naked women while he was supposed to be doing something with me.

Sorry cross-posted on the what 'not really' means thing!

^ that's the thing, whilst I personally don't agree with it, I don't mind him watching it, sparsely. Plenty of people do.

I would mind if he: started losing interest in our sex life because he was getting his kicks elsewhere, couldn't get off without it (which he says he can) or tried to use it to make me feel inferior (sounds silly but some people's DPs have done this according to MN!).

I know you can watch it and not have a horrid view of women or be a sleaze...as I have plenty of female friends that watch the odd bit here & there.

(I still plan on saying that I personally don't agree with it at all, then hearing whatever he has to say on it & taking it from there. I don't want to police him & shouldn't have to really)

is it up to you to control what your partner looks at when they are not with you?

No, absolutely not. He should control himself. He makes a choice.

He either does something knowing it could risk the relationship, or he doesn't.

But you will need to be very clear on what is a dealbreaker for you op.

So if, for example, you see porn use as exploiting women and therefore your dp has a lack of regard for women, doesn't consider them equal to men, can be viewed as sex objects, etc. then you wouldn't want to be with a man like that anyway.

If you see porn use as acceptable as long as it doesn't impact on you, then him wanking over naked women on his laptop in the comfort of his own home probably won't bother you.

I suppose i'm not sure if you can watch it without having a negative view of women, as women watch it too etc.

I suppose I want to know if he can understand why I view it the way I do.

It will be a dealbreaker if he can't.

I'm kind of thinking though that if I guy said to me 'if you look at Daniel Craig in his swimming trunks one more time then the relationship is over' I might then say 'away you go...get over yourself'....rather than 'I value the relationship much more than I do looking at DC in his trunks so I'll stop doing that'.

This is more naked photography than even soft porn that we're talking about here isn't it? At least with Suicide Girls.

I think of looking at 100% naked girls as soft porn (as he has searched for a few of them, which brings up naked photos).

And I don't look at porn myself or naked blokes in any other context.

I know everyone has the odd 'thing' for famous people. We both tease each other about the actors in Game Of Thrones for example. I'm not an absolute prude!

My personal view is that anyone contributing to the sex industry is involving themselves in the exploitation of women.

Doesn't matter if they are male or female. Women watching porn are no different than men in that they don't know whether the women being filmed having sex have actually consented.

Most porn debates like this are all about the people watching/not watching it. No-one thinks about 'behind the scenes', either because they don't care or they believe the hype.

Traffiking is very real and if a man told you "Make it look good, be convincing. I know where your children live" ... most people watching would never know, or even give it a second thought.

These people are mothers, daughters, wives. How many men watching porn would like their mates to watch their mum doing it, or their daughters. It's so very "I'm alright Jack" - they simply don't care.

That's why I wouldn't be with a man who watched porn. I wouldn't try to control him or tell him what to do, I just wouldn't be with him.

I just want to discuss it tonight, get across how I view it, hear how he views it, then take it from there (as a lot depends on his reaction).

If he's not a defensive/dismissive git about it then there's room for compromise.

If he is then at least I know now, rather than years down the line

^ hell yes to the trafficking industry. You just don't know with a lot of it & I bet he's not even considered that, so I'll be bringing that up.

(The more I got into feminism as a teen the more I learned that it has a nasty underbelly that people seem very ignorant of).

I might then say 'away you go...get over yourself'....rather than 'I value the relationship much more than I do looking at DC in his trunks so I'll stop doing that'

Really? You don't value your relationship more than dc in his trunks?

Is that true? I am tbh.

If my dh seriously said he valued any woman in a swimming costume more than our relationship I would tell him to jog on.

Surely you are not serious?

I think most of the debates get onto the making of it tbh...

The sex industry in undoubtedly dubious, unregulated and exploitative.

But there are also women who are quite happy to have their photos taken. Have a look at the Suicide Girls facebook page and there are lots of comments from women saying 'how can I be a SG?'

Yes I am serious...I am not interested in being with someone who tries to tell me what I can and can't do.

I've had a good look. I do feel that just because girls are willing, doesn't make it less sleazy, in places.

If the tables were turned & I wanted to be with DP then I'd at least try to understand & not do anything he wasn't comfortable with.

I run this page too so part of me feels like I'm not staying true to myself if I say nothing!

Well, there you go op. Two posters with vastly different opinions and boundaries. Just goes to show how personal and individual it is. Go with your instincts. It's no good settling for something that makes you unhappy.

Hope your talk goes well and you come to some sort of resolution.