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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ending it with OM today

71 replies

pizzatime · 10/04/2013 10:23

Any help would be much appreciated. After extreme anxiety on both parts, me and OM have decided to end our relationship. I would like to try no contact completely but he wants to carry on texting as 'i'm his friend above all else'. He has suggested meeting for tea for THE final chat as he doesn't want us to end it on the phone. Just wanted some advice to help me stick to my guns as he has a way of wording things that makes me think - why can't we text, we ARE indeed great friends but I know we will end up back at SQ1. He's changed me as a person and I hate who I am now and am ready to start again. Please help me and try not to judge - the situation is extremely complex and OM struck while I was at such a low ebb in life.

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 10/04/2013 10:26

i think you need to say no more. texting as friend will lead you back to square one, and he knows this.
cut off all contact, no texts, emails calls etc.

you can do it, i wihs you luck xxx

Original poster

pizzatime · 10/04/2013 10:28

Thanks for the luck wonderingsoul x

OP posts:

CajaDeLaMemoria · 10/04/2013 10:28

Why on earth would you torment yourself further by meeting him?!

That is utterly, utterly insane. You know damn well that he'll try to talk you into staying, that it won't go well. You are setting yourself up to fail.

Text him now and say that it's over, and you want nothing more to do with him. Remember how much he's changed you while you send it, and don't let yourself chicken out. Then block his number, and delete it. Give yourself no way of contacting him, and stop all the ways he has of contacting you.

You can't be friends. You aren't great friends. You started an illicit relationship and threw away any chance of friendship when you did: this isn't a star-crossed lovers situation, you have to cut him off completely. I'm not sure that a man who is trying to manipulate him into doing exactly what he wants, despite what it means for you, and who 'struck' while you were low and vulnerable would be a great friend anyway.

You have to 100% walk away, and cut off all contact. No goodbye meetings, no "I miss you" texts, no quick catch-ups, no rants about how if things were different you'd be together. You can't do this by half-measures.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 10/04/2013 10:30

agreed you need to cut contact 100% Good luck

MostFamousMonkey · 10/04/2013 10:31

Total no contact is the only way. I advocate it for conventional relationships whenever possible , ie if no DC involved etc.
Even more so with an affair. Especially in this case as it sounds like he's going to try to change your mind. I don't think that hes got your best interests at heart at all, he's thinking about himself.

Stopanuary · 10/04/2013 10:34

I'm not judging. If you want to end the relationship then you are right to opt for 'no contact' whatsoever. It's the easiest in the long term.

You can set whatever boundaries and make whatever decisions you want and need to - your wishes are valid and you don't need OM's agreement or 'permission'.

You don't need to meet for tea - you can end by phone, text or email if that's the easiest way for you.

Oh and if OM respects you and is really and truly a good friend, (and is not trying to manipulate you to do only what he wants...) he WILL respect your decision to do what's tight for you and accept your decision.

Good luck.

Original poster

pizzatime · 10/04/2013 10:44

Thanks for your support - it's really helpful as I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees here. Will try and get out of the tea-meet.

OP posts:

melbie · 10/04/2013 10:47

If you are certain you want to do this (and you need to be certain) then complete NC will be much much easier. From personal experience I know that if there is a meet up or texts or calls it will just slip back into what you have now. Find a moment of strength and delete numbers etc. However close you are now and however much of a friend he is, you can't stay friends and move on. The "friends" thing I have realised is a sneaky way to keep you hooked. Set up lots of time with other friends and keep busy and remind yourself why you need to get out of this. If there are things you want to say, write them down. Maybe say that in a few months if you both still felt you wanted to be friends (and I mean actual friends) then that could happen but you need some months apart just in the same way you do in any relationship before you can be friends.

Good luck

Lueji · 10/04/2013 10:52

He only wants to keep texting because he doesn't want to end the relationship.
Also, I don't see a point in meeting, except for him to try and get you back.

Also, you don't have to meet up at all, so you don't have to "try". Just don't go. :)

Branleuse · 10/04/2013 10:56

If you want and need to end it, and it sounds like you do, then do it.
No more meets for tea. Just accept that it might not be easy but you owe him nothing and you really wont be good friends. Youll just be hurting for longer.

ChasingSquirrels · 10/04/2013 11:00

Echoing everyone else.
If you are determined that this is the end then you just block him completely from your life.
His wants aren't your concern, you need to look out for yourself.

Don't "try" not to meet him, just don't do it.
Don't respond at all.
Preferably block all forms of contact so there is nothing to respond to.

If you don't want the relationship anymore then it won't be that hard, if you do then it will be very hard indeed.

kinkyfuckery · 10/04/2013 11:04

He wants to meet for tea. He wants to keep in contact. Enough about what he wants, what do you want?

If you're not strong enough to say no to a meet you don't really want to do, what makes you think you'll be strong enough to say no to his bullying about keeping in touch?

Original poster

pizzatime · 10/04/2013 11:11

Thanks again for these messages - it really is helping. OM has a massive hold over me so no contact is going to be very very difficult but I cannot stay in this awful situation, it's destroyed the old happy-go-lucky me forever. I thought one last meet would give me closure - but i expect i'm making excuses to see him one last time.

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 10/04/2013 11:30

What massive hold?
I presume you mean emotional, which I read to mean you want a relationship with him but not in the current circumstances?
If you don't want a relationship with him at all it would be very easy, but it sounds like that isn't where you are?
I have been in a similar circumstance, and feel for you.

daffsarecomingup · 10/04/2013 11:35

another one saying to break 100% contact. it will be hard, as you know, but you also know that sometimes we have to do things that are bloody, bloody hard.
Good luck, oP.

MostFamousMonkey · 10/04/2013 11:40

pizza I notice some other replies have mentioned about him not being a true friend if he tries to keep you on his string. I recently ended a relationship (not an affair but one that just wasn't working any longer). I still care about exDP very much but I had to end it. Anyway, when we split up he asked me to not contact him at all. And I haven't. It's been very difficult indeed and I miss him a lot, but I care about him enough to respect his wishes.
OM should at least give you that respect too.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 10/04/2013 11:41

If you see him, the relationship will continue.

He wants to see you in person so that he can manipulate you into staying, or at least into agreeing to contact, so that he can work on changing your mind.

You have to say no. It'll be hard, and it'll probably hurt. You may well cry. But tell him now that you will not see him. Take back the power, and you'll be able to walk away.

It really doesn't work any other way. You can do this.

MostFamousMonkey · 10/04/2013 11:51

I agree, Caja.
To get complete NC in this case I think it's going to be a case of blocking his email, and maybe even changing your mobile number OP. I think there are some number blocking apps you can get depending on your phone's OS.

Original poster

pizzatime · 10/04/2013 12:03

Yes ChasingSquirrels, an emotional hold - sorry you have been in a similar situation - it's a terrible feeling. Hope you are out of yours now.

OM has been in touch (just) and has rearranged so much stuff including transport to another city to meet me so I am going to have to go, but have text that I can only stay half hour. I know this sounds like a case of me bending over backwards for OM and please don't take this as I sign that I don't want this over as I am determined to do it. I've bagged his stuff to take along then bring on rest of my life!!

OP posts:

JollyGolightly · 10/04/2013 12:09

No, don't go.

He only has a hold over you because you allow him to. Not turning up for this transparently manipulative final date will give a very clear message, and then you will be free.

So text, block, delete, and then go and do something positive with the rest of your day.

You can do this if you really want to.

JollyGolightly · 10/04/2013 12:10

Courier his stuff to him. There's no need to hand it over in person.

zzzzz · 10/04/2013 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 10/04/2013 12:13

Don't go, Pizza.

Please, please don't go.

It will be a mistake. You need to find your inner strength here, and assert your right to choose who you are, and who you have relationships with him.

Whether he comes to your city is irrelevant. His arrangements are irrelevant.

He will emotionally blackmail you.

If you do go, give him his bag of things and walk away. But that will be much, much harder than saying no now. You are setting yourself up to fail.

Lueji · 10/04/2013 12:16

That he has rearranged so much stuff is his problem alone.
You said you didn't want to go.

leafgreen · 10/04/2013 12:20

Another one wishing you well.

Last time I ended a relationship he said we were 'mature enough' to stay friends when I really didn't want to have anything to do with him; I caved. I'm easily swayed, I lived in a damp house for two years because he said it was perfect for me. Took me another year to get away.

When I did cut contact, it wasn't too hard to delete/block him (although he sent me letters, which said on them that he was 'giving me space' ). Tbh him persisting when I'd said no did make me realise what that he was all about him and that sort of strengthened my resolve.

Before I cut contact I was worried that even though I knew I wanted nothing to do with him, I might miss him and text him or something stupid. (His work number is easily searchable so deleting it wasn't failsafe.) I asked a friend if it would be ok to call/text/mail her instead if I got the urge to contact him. MN can do the same job.

Turns out that those urges don't last very long.

You can do it. I tell you, staying true to your course feels BRILLIANT.

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