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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending it with OM today

71 replies

pizzatime · 10/04/2013 10:23

Any help would be much appreciated. After extreme anxiety on both parts, me and OM have decided to end our relationship. I would like to try no contact completely but he wants to carry on texting as 'i'm his friend above all else'. He has suggested meeting for tea for THE final chat as he doesn't want us to end it on the phone. Just wanted some advice to help me stick to my guns as he has a way of wording things that makes me think - why can't we text, we ARE indeed great friends but I know we will end up back at SQ1. He's changed me as a person and I hate who I am now and am ready to start again. Please help me and try not to judge - the situation is extremely complex and OM struck while I was at such a low ebb in life.

OP posts:
Lueji · 10/04/2013 12:25

Instead of going to this tea meeting, you could pop in to the post office. :)

leafgreen · 10/04/2013 12:26

Xpost. Don't go. Courier the stuff. Switch your phone off and go and treat yourself.

If you go, even if it is the last contact you have with him, you'll feel much worse than if you assert yourself.

MostFamousMonkey · 10/04/2013 12:29

Tempted to tell you to drop the stuff off at the marital home and tell his wife what a twunt he is. However, that's not sensible advice so I won't.
He sounds incredibly manipulative and a not a caring friend at all. You can't stay friends when you're romantically attached to someone. You just can't. And anyway, why stay friends when it can't be a true friendship anyway? Contact will be on his terms because he's married.
I'm another who says 'don't go'.

MostFamousMonkey · 10/04/2013 12:31

agree with leaf that MN can be a great support when you get those urges to break NC. Definitely helped me in my recent situation.

Charbon · 10/04/2013 12:35

You can never be 'just friends' with an OM but the most compelling reason for that is that good friends don't try to control the other and to take away the other's agency.

You've decided that this relationship is destructive to you, but the OM is riding roughshod over all of that and is putting his own needs first. Yet, if you told him that your partner knew and wanted to speak to him, or you were threatening to tell his partner the whole truth, you wouldn't see him for dust.

It sometimes makes it easier to go No Contact when you see this behaviour for what it is and that the OM doesn't have any genuine feelings for you or your happiness. OM who try to persuade, cajole or keep up the contact honestly don't care about the women who are trying to move on with their lives. If any other friend did that, you would realise it instantly and see that the person was no friend of yours at all.

LessMissAbs · 10/04/2013 12:42

He's changed me as a person and I hate who I am now and am ready to start again

I'm a great believer that you should spend time with people who are good for you. Whats in this for you? If he is making you into a worse person?

He wants you to meet him for tea so he can work on you. You have to be strong and go no contact. Its difficult, because you will be fond of him, but in time you will get used to less and less contact.

If it was that great and special between you, you would find a way to be together - I don't know your situation, but its always possible.

hairtearing · 10/04/2013 12:46

I would suggest no contact at all, stick to your guns.

MarinaIvy · 10/04/2013 14:52

You have answered yourself with your own question, but we're all here to help you see it. You already said that if you go, you'll end up hating yourself - is this the kind of "closure" you want?

Let something be about your own convenience, for a change. Tough noogies that he's now re-arranging so much stuff. I've only come on to this thread (and haven't read any previous, if appl), but I daresay you've re-arranged a lot of your life for his convenience in the past.

It's up to you to pick the battle lines, stop thinking you need his permission for anything.

And the happy-go-lucky you won't be gone forever. It'll just be a new & improved H-G-L you. True, I suspect you'll be a bit more cautious in future, but none of us are as innocent as when we were at 15, 20, etc, are we? Hell, even current 15 year olds aren't as innocent as we were.

Would the old H-G-L you have given one slippery shit what any man thought about you?!? I hope to heck not!

spooktrain · 10/04/2013 14:58

imagine you go

imagine how painful it will be trying to walk away from him, knowing it's the Last Ever time etc etc

You are already into your new phase of cutting him out and getting back on track: DON'T GO BACK!

hellsbellsmelons · 10/04/2013 16:01

OMG - why are you going?
Because he said so? Because he's making an effort?
There are some threads I read and I just wanna shake the person and say 'Wake up and smell the coffee'!!

This is one of them.
Text him and say - NO, I'm not coming, this is the end and no more contact from now on!

Done!!!! Don't go over old ground. I've soooo been there and soooo done that - it never improves I promise you that.
If he won't leave you alone, threaten to go to his wife!
Good luck with your new life away from this man!

afrikat · 10/04/2013 16:03

Please listen to the above posters - DON'T GO! You have nothing left to say. It will only make things harder. And for gods sake don't continue contact. You're not friends and unfortunately never will be. It will get easier, I promise you - but not if you stay in contact

chocmallow · 10/04/2013 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/04/2013 16:28

You may have already left to meet him but if you haven't, DON'T GO. STOP.

Original poster
pizzatime · 10/04/2013 17:17

hi everyone and THANK YOU so much for all your messages of support. I feel really touched that anyone would invest their own time into helping me - honestly thank you.

Just got back after meeting OM for the half hour, not for tea, just at his car. I did this as I felt I needed to get stuff off my chest once and for all and not look back. Please don't feel I have ignored the great advice i've had on here because had I not posted this thread this morning I am certain our meeting would have had a different outcome. I made a powerful independent style girl mix for my way back.

I told him my spiel about no contact/how it's making me ill/ruining my chance at having a life/moving on etc etc etc.

He seemed non-plussed to the point of silence, changed the subject to something else but did ask if we could still have lunches together (we work in buildings in the same office complex) to which I obviously said no. Only when I went to leave did he show any sign of wanting contact, saying 'so when will i next see you'/'you're really special to me' yada yada - but felt like an afterthought - maybe it will be really easy for him and i've read it all wrong.

I cried on way back to my powerful mix but feel a bit better already, though I know it's going to be SO HARD. I even went to the shops on my way back (which is quite big as i've lost interest in all the fun things I used to do). Really hope I can stick it out.

THANKS EVERYONE- YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT HELP Thanks

OP posts:
melbie · 10/04/2013 17:44

Well done- am impressed you stayed strong despite the meet up. Onwards and upwards and keep going x

leafgreen · 10/04/2013 18:08

Oh, well done you! You've got the hang of it already, nice work with the shopping there.

I'm really pleased to see your update, have been thinking of you.

It may well be hard, but you CAN stick it out. Plus, I bet your interest in fun things comes back.

You've earned a Brew

Original poster
pizzatime · 10/04/2013 18:11

Thanks so much melbie and leafgreen for thinking of me. Just got a text (from a pal) and it made me jump! Hope it won't always be like this!!

OP posts:
leafgreen · 10/04/2013 18:14

It won't Smile

Takes a while to get used to no contact. And, I won't lie, at times it doesn't feel nice. But it really is the best thing. And especially so for you, I think, because it sounds like it's not too easy for you to put your foot down when this man wants something from you.

I hope the pal is someone who can give you a great big hug next time you see them. Take good care of yourself, OP.

partylikeits1999 · 10/04/2013 19:02

I would read wanting to meat for tea as a last chance for a shag blow job but I'm a cynical sort of person

Personally i would advise changing your emails . phone numbers and blocking him on Facebook and any other social networking sites

partylikeits1999 · 10/04/2013 19:03

sorry didn't read the whole thread

CajaDeLaMemoria · 10/04/2013 19:07

Well done, OP... It takes strength to finish things, especially face to face.

Now you've done it, don't give yourself chance to lapse. Block his number, and you won't have to worry/think about him texting you.

It is tough, but post here when you miss him and know that if you stick with it, you'll be a better person. You'll also only have to do it once... If you give in, you have to start again.

You can do this! Keep the strong music going :)

Original poster
pizzatime · 10/04/2013 19:10

Thanks Caja, you are a great poster and your support means such a lot.

OP posts:
MostFamousMonkey · 10/04/2013 21:11

Pleased to read your update. Eyeroll at OM being non plussed and suggesting lunches!
NC is really tough, especially when you still care about them, but you have to remember WHY it's over.
I absolute recommend blocking his number if you can, and his email too.

Come back and post when you get those urges to contact him. It is possible to ride them out although they feel so strong at times and your head will try to persuade you to go ahead and do it. Bit like breaking an addiction, well it has been for me at least.

Original poster
pizzatime · 10/04/2013 22:43

Thanks MostFamousMonkey. How are you getting on - I read your thread and wholeheartedly sympathise - well done for keeping NC! Tell me it gets easier! This evening has been really difficult. Went out to take my mind off things but still in the habit of constantly checking my phone, wishing there was a text. Early days though I suppose. I feel like if he makes contact he isn't respecting my wishes but if he doesn't then he's easily over it. Lose-lose!! I'm still clear as to why this needs to be done though and want to see it through.

OP posts:
Lueji · 10/04/2013 23:14

By not texting now, he could be just playing it so that you actually wish he texts.
And I don't think he actually cares about you. Or he'd have respected your wishes earlier. Don't confuse his reluctance to let go as caring.

And the mention of lunches sounds like he wants the occasional shag.

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