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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I being taken for a ride here??

100 replies

Venicebeachmaria · 08/04/2013 21:54

DP and I decided we wanted to buy a house together. Before taking that plunge however, we wanted to trial living together and as he doesn't currently have a home of his own (sold his house, split money with ex wife and now living with parents whilst he saves up for another deposit) I said he could come and live with me. He said in 4 months time, we could start looking into the finances etc to see what we could afford and what we needed to save etc. That was 6 months ago. So a few weeks ago I brought it up and he said he couldn't think about that until after our holiday. So the holiday comes and goes - we get back and I mention it again, he says he can't think about that until he's 'over' the jet lag etc . A week or so later I mention it again, he says he can't think about that until after Glastonbury (June!) so i said, "that's in June!" and he replied "yes and I also have to think about the summer holiday I'm having with my kids first" - That's august. It seems like there is always some excuse. He told me to save up and he'd do the same, so I have been - I've been saving every penny I have whilst he is going out buying football season tickets and booking festivals. Tonight he started going on about a holiday to Niagra Falls next year --- maybe I should say I can't think about that until AFTER the house thing is sorted?!
Tonight I tried a subtle hint by going on his ipad and leaving it open on Rightmove. When he came to use it, he turned rightmove off without even looking at it and put fucking candy crush on.
He's taking the piss isn't he?or am I being too pushy which is what he implies?

OP posts:

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BerylStreep · 09/04/2013 08:59

Cocke Loadger.

Does Middle English trump Latin?

OP, I've been there. I felt like a silly girl when I realised I was being taken for a ride. This guy just doesn't want to commit. Tell him it's not working and get him to move out.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2013 09:00

Where has op gone ?

nkf · 09/04/2013 09:04

You want different things. You want to buy a house. He wants low outgoings and a lot of fun. Personally, I think life is too short to try to change people.

Venicebeachmaria · 09/04/2013 10:17

Thanks for all the advice. Last night he was going on about going to cinema Wednesday, out for a meal on Friday night, cinema again next Wednesday, to a concert Thursday, away for the weekend in the Saturday - I said "thought we were trying to save money?" So he said "ok well if you're thinking like that, we won't go away at weekend" ( the one that was my idea). He then starts going on about flights to America for next year. I'm working late tonight but Ill tell him when I get back that I'm not happy and feel like I'm being taken for a ride.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2013 10:27

Are you now going to dump him or are you going to keep flogging this dead horse of a relationship?.

What do you get out of this relationship exactly?. He has you down as a complete pushover and has treated you as such. Sadly too, you have allowed him to do this to you.

The bloke's got cocklodger written all over him. This is exactly what these types do. Its all par for the course for such lazy entitled men. And you'll pay for all the activities he has planned with him in mind.

He's had it well made with you and that is all he wants you for; a roof over his head, sex and free bed and board. Raise your own relationship bar a lot higher next time around.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2013 10:34

In a way you've been very lucky.

He has shown you EXACTLY what he's like. OK, it's cost you a bit in terms of feeding him, etc, but NOTHING like what it would cost if you were to move in with him.

FWIW I doubt he still has that £20,000 in the bank.

FWIW I think if you let him stay another year, you'd be in EXACTLY the same position.

Go home tonight and say to him, "There's a word for people like you. It's cocklodger. Now go and pack your bags and go back to your parents' house."

Once he's gone, book yourself a lovely holiday to celebrate the fact that he's gone and forget all about him.

You are worth so much more than him, in every way.

Lavenderhoney · 09/04/2013 10:43

Slight surprised the living together didnt include him paying rent, and contribution to bills with a rent book so he can't claim he has been contributing to your mortgage and demand part of any profit on a sale.

Tell him he owes you x in back rent and bills, which he should have discussed with you anyway. He has the money so why not? Or will he go on hols without you? Still saves you packing his stuff.

I wouldn't buy a house with him. If he spends his money like water and you don't, you will always be the one paying for boring stuff like food and broken boilers etc, whilst eyeing the DVDs and other stuff he deems more important.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2013 10:46

I will put a bet on that the OP's partner told her he could save up faster if he wasn't paying rent. Plus the fact he probably wasn't paying a damn thing at his parents' house, so in order to entice him, that was the agreement.

swallowedAfly · 09/04/2013 10:51

obviously, there is no other word for it, much as i would like to be original - cocklodger!

sadly don't think you're going to tell him to start paying or sling his hook and will just put up with it instead.

StuffezLaBouche · 09/04/2013 11:32

Venice please listen. Absolutely do not get a place with this man - every single action of his indicates he does not see you as a unit and is quite frankly one of like's 'takers.' When you move in with someone on a trial basis, don't you do your damnedest to show that person how great you'd be living together, contributing equally and laying the foundations of being a family?
You're going to have to get the ball rolling on this conversation because he has absolutely no incentive to. Christ - a rent free existence, no bills, food bought and I bet cooked... Its a good life. So, I would bet he IS saving a lot of money that's obviously not going on rent and bills, but I wouldn't bet he's planning on using it to set you both up in your own place. You can do better.

BerylStreep · 09/04/2013 11:53

'We don't want the same things, which is fine, but I am a bit fed up paying all the bills when you don't really contribute. The trial living together is over, I'd like you to move out at the weekend please.'

Xales · 09/04/2013 13:24

You are being taken for a ride no feel about it.

Midwife99 · 09/04/2013 17:13

Second what Beryl says!!

QuintessentialOHara · 09/04/2013 17:33

'We don't want the same things, which is fine, but I am a bit fed up paying all the bills when you don't really contribute. The trial living together is over, I'd like you to move out at the weekend please.'

Third-ed that.

QuintessentialOHara · 09/04/2013 17:34

If he is like this now, imagine how he would be if you were committed and tied together through home ownership.

At least, you have given him a chance to save up a deposit for HIS OWN flat, through subsidizing his living. What a selfish prick.

Astelia · 09/04/2013 18:26

He has shown his true colours OP. You have had a lucky escape.

Another vote for Beryl.

TheOrchardKeeper · 09/04/2013 18:30

He's already overstayed and you've let him...so he's now taking the piss even more.

It's NOT your fault but he's just showing his true colours...he couldn't even wait a year to start taking the piss Cheeky git.

ladyjadie · 09/04/2013 18:39

What a dick, not even offering? Does he still think he's at mummy and daddies? Hmmph. Good luck tonight, prepare yourself for a tantrum though!

TheOrchardKeeper · 09/04/2013 18:44

I really don't think you're going to get the response you'd like but it's worth a pop I suppose.

Good luck!

Anniegetyourgun · 09/04/2013 19:49

My son paid me more than that out of his JSA when he was unemployed. He insisted. And he does his own laundry and most of the cooking.

What Beryl said, with brass knobs on. He's also a bit of a bully if his response to "I thought we were saving" is "right then, I won't pay for anything you want to do". That's really petty and childish.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/04/2013 19:51

"He" in the latter paragraph being the OP's cocklodger, of course, not DS2.

auntpetunia · 09/04/2013 19:57

Take this time in work to draft him an invoice for food and bills for last 6 months with with a payment date of next week and clause that says if not paid please vacate the premises. He really is taking you for a ride.

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LaurieFairyCake · 09/04/2013 20:18

I'm guessing he will offer (and not expect to be taken up on it) to pay full rent and bills for the last six months.

Take him up on it, he will act hurt and aggrieved, don't cave.

And he will move out citing the fact that 'you didn't love him enough' as the reason you broke up.

It's textbook.

akaWisey · 09/04/2013 20:21

Good lord OP if the dates weren't out I'd say you had my former cocklodger!!!

Anyhoo, I said exactly what Beryl suggests and guess what? He went back to live with his DM and plans to be a lazy bastard her carer until he can get her house.

Don't give him any more time. He's proved he's not committed, he's another selfish predator and now know you can plan yourself a lovely holiday with the money you've been saving - without funding his sorry arse into the bargain.

coppertop · 09/04/2013 20:22

He'll be weeping and wailing about how hard done by he is, throw in a few guilt-trip comments about his children, and then make a couple of vague promises.

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