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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I might not get anyone else so should I get toether with this guy?

74 replies

SodaStreamy · 08/04/2013 21:00

I'm 44 and have physical problems with mobility .....I've lost feeling in my feet (neurological condition) so I find it extremely difficult to get about on my own.

I'm on my own and have been for years , I manage well with my children but they are getting older and will all be leaving home soon and I'll be on my own.

I have an old boyfriend who is trying to get back in touch and I never had mobility problems when we had a relationship, so he knows the old me.the well me. but he knows I have physical issues

Thing is he sometimes takes drugs and every and know he wants to get back together and part of me is thinking if I was able to be the person I was once was and met other people I would not entertain him

But I'm stuck in the house all day by myself with no extended family (they are all deceased apart from a brother who I don't speak to)

I've lost all my friends since I developed my disability, mainly because I don't want anyone to think of me other than being the old me

He's not ideal but I can't see me meeting anyone else that would accept my disability so maybe I should just let him back into my life?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/04/2013 23:01

What would you say to your daughter if she was contemplating getting involved with a heroin user ?

Original poster

SodaStreamy · 08/04/2013 23:07

to walk well away ....that is something I know , but I might never have an other adult in my life if I tell him to go away.

seriously there is no one o=else

OP posts:

Deffodil · 08/04/2013 23:11

There are your friends Soda. They'll give you back perspective.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2013 23:13

give over (again)

never have another adult in your life ? I am sorry you are poorly, but you are talking daft

you have an internet connection, don't you ?

tethersend · 08/04/2013 23:13

Just because there is nobody else right now, does not mean that there never will be.

However, if you get together with this man, other people may pass you by...

Original poster

SodaStreamy · 08/04/2013 23:27

yes AnyFucker I do ...but internet friends are not real friends and internet partners are not real partners

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/04/2013 23:31

something could develop from that though..it happens all the time I am told

Original poster

SodaStreamy · 08/04/2013 23:40

.......ever hopeful

OP posts:

Xales · 09/04/2013 00:03

A heroin addict won't be a real partner.

You will be more alone with this man than you ever could be alone.

Have you had any counselling to deal with your changed situation?

Cutting off all your friends is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Speak to your Dr and see what help even if medical and what support there is to help you.

Give this man a wide berth.

Original poster

SodaStreamy · 09/04/2013 00:08

cutting off my friends is in way stopping the rejection ......my fiends started to stop getting in touch so I deleted all their phone numbers from my phone book and my phone

They stil had a way to get in touch with me but they didnt

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/04/2013 00:11

you are sabotaging yourself

now don't shout at me, but I do think you need to see your gp and get some help for your low mood...the first step is recognising that there is a problem here that isn't just physical

ouryve · 09/04/2013 00:17

Disability or no, you should never merely settle.

cory · 09/04/2013 00:24

fuck, this thread is making my hair stand on end

I have a 16yo with mobility issues. What would you say to her, Soda, if she took up with a heroin user because she thought it was her only chance to get a man? Wouldn't you see, if it was somebody else, how hopeless and wrong that was?

Your life is not over! First of all, you need to get your mobility issues sorted. A good electric wheelchair, mobility scooter, a carer, whatever it takes to get you out of the house.

And then you need to reconnect with your friends. It is not their fault that this has happened to you; they will be feeling lost and not know what to do for best: it is up to you to tell them.

And then use the internet to make new friends and give yourself new interests.

Half the people I know have met their spouses on the internet- including my brother whose gf ended up travelling all the way from China to marry him- and a very happy marriage it is too. 13 years later, I would say his internet friend is a very real friend indeed.

ArbitraryUsername · 09/04/2013 00:28

Oh Soda. You poor thing. Please, please stop thinking you need this man. You don't. He is not good enough for you and not the answer to your problems.

I think you're coming at it all wrong. The problem is that your disability is making you socially isolated (it certainly isn't that you are 'crap'). I can absolutely understand that you felt you needed to cut off your previous friends as a coping mechanism (pre-empting rejection of yourself, or just responds ding to it). What you need is better friends who value you and make your life better.

What you need to figure out is how to achieve that. How can you get some support and some adult company? Do you receive DLA? (You bloody well should if you cannot get out and about on your own or really struggle to). If you do, can you use some of the money to get help in going out and socialising? What kinds of support might be available to you? Are there groups for people with the same or similar health conditions that you could go to? Your GP might be able to help you with these issues, or you might get help from the disabilities social work people or local charities.

None of the above would be a 'failure' on your part. You have a disability. The way that society is set up makes it very difficult for someone with your mobility issues to participate fully in normal life. So you need to find ways around this.

You deserve to have friends and a social life, etc, etc.

And please don't compare yourself to others with disabilities. It never helps. Your issues are just as valid as anyone else's and just as real.

It might be a good idea to start a thread in health or the parents with disabilities section where you can get advice about how to improve things for yourself and what kind of support might be available. There are loads of people with disabilities on MN and lots of advice and support available.

Xales · 09/04/2013 00:32

What you said in that last post sounds different to your first.

But conversely you haven't contacted any of them. Yes some will be selfish twats you are better off without but some may be waiting for you to say you are up to seeing them.

Others may be going through shit of their own. At our age we are losing more friends, family, relationships etc.

They won't know that you are hoping they will call. They may really need that call from you.

They may also have got the impression you don't want them around if you gave them the attitude that came over in your OP.

getting the help and support you need during this difficult time is not a sign of any thing apart from you are going through a really crappy time that would test anyone.

ArbitraryUsername · 09/04/2013 00:47

By 'better friends' I mostly mean 'friendships that actually work for your life'. Your old friends might be lovely people but sometimes circumstances mean that some friendships fall by the wayside and you find yourself forming new ones. And perhaps you'll also find yourself coming back to your old friendships because you've managed to come to terms with everything in your life and are happier.

It is very difficult to adjust to life with a disability. You will grieve for your old life, for the old 'you', for the future that you thought you had. That's inevitable (I'm speaking from experience here). You need help coming to terms with this and antidepressants may only be part of the solution for you.

Right now you are alienating people (and this is obvious even in how people are responding to you on this thread). It is probably a coping and a self-defence mechanism but it is actually making things worse for you. You need to find less destructive and counterproductive ways of coping. And your probably need help in doing so. Has your GP referred you for counselling? If not, please ask for a referral and discuss options about the kind of counselling that might be most helpful for you.

You do need a support structure in your life. The fact that you're asking the kinds of questions in your OP indicates that things are far from OK in your life.

What you don't need is a heroin using boyfriend that you don't even really like.

Original poster

SodaStreamy · 09/04/2013 01:06

No I know I was the one to cut my friends off. i flt embarressed and sort of cut them of

And yes I do alientate people.......it is in a way a self coping mechanism.

Before I became unwell/disabled (I hate that term) the man I was with committed suicide so I suppose yes i am scared of getting close to anyone in case they die

I have had counselling but I left after one session mainly because I don't want anyone delving into my thoughts and feelings when I haven't been there myself

i am closed but I don't know ow to open up

OP posts:

ArbitraryUsername · 09/04/2013 01:10

Go back to counselling. Tell the counsellor what you fear about the delving. You need to explore these issues. They're ruining your life.

Don't be embarrassed. There's no shame in having a health condition. When you feel ready you can contact your friends and explain how self-destructive you've been and apologise and get everything back on track.

But do go back to counselling and seek other support.

Original poster

SodaStreamy · 09/04/2013 01:22

in al seriousness counseling is not for me

OP posts:

ArbitraryUsername · 09/04/2013 01:27

Are you sure that the problem isn't that you've been sent for the wrong kind of counselling? Something like CBT might be better for you than exploring stuff in psychotherapy.

Regardless, you need some way to break out of your negative and destructive patterns of thinking and behaviour. What might help?

cory · 09/04/2013 08:14

Counselling doesn't have to be about delving into your feelings. Dd has CBT-based counselling which is very much about giving her the tools to handle her situation.

It is quite ok to say: "this isn't working for me, I need a different type of counselling/a different counsellor". It's like saying "these antiobiotics haven't worked, is there anything else I can try". (You don't stop trying to cure your pneumonia because the first lot of antibiotics didn't work.)

There are even counsellors who specialise in people with disability or pain conditions.

Chubfuddler · 09/04/2013 08:19

This will sound rather harsh but if you fear further grief getting with a heroin addict is hardly likely to spare you.

nkf · 09/04/2013 08:21

Nobody needs a drug taker in their lives.

Original poster

SodaStreamy · 09/04/2013 09:04

thank you everyone.

Having slept on it and reading this back I can see what I bad idea it is, I just sometimes think 'at least it is company', of sorts. he is not an addict, he was and now he has an occasional lapse

he is a drug user though

I have never admitted this to anyone but following on from my medical last year where I qualified for DLA I have felt alot worse....I'm offically disabled and I haven't got my head totally around that yet.

Don't get me wrong I'm extremely grateful for DLA as I know so many people who deserve it have problems qualifying. I feel like a fraud, a stupid , feet don't work fraud

OP posts:

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