Hello all
I have lurked on these boards for almost two years now, this is my first time posting. What I need is some advice. Some unbiased advice - if there is such a thing! I've tried to put everything as neutral as possible but that is very hard to do considering I am still on edge after tonight's fiasco...
My partner and I have been together coming up to five years. We have a 16 month old DS and I am 34 weeks pregnant with our DD. For the first few years we had a good relationship - we were gamers and spent a lot of our time drinking/eating/gaming. We had a couple of arguments but I mainly put this down to the drink. We of course don't drink anymore.
We had my son and things got rocky after that. He had terrible colic for the first few months, didn't sleep through until very recently. I had moved a 2 hour drive away from my family to live with OH at the beginning of our relationship and I felt very cut off from them after the birth of my boy. At the time my other half was working long hours and I got very depressed, I suffer from social anxiety and found going to baby groups etc too hard. His family are not very involved in DS's life - they have had him for a couple of afternoons when he was tiny but not since. When we asked for them to have him more regularly they said that they did not want to feel obligated and haven't really had him since, bar when I had a scan recently. What I am getting at - is that we have very little support down here. Fair enough, a lot of people don't. But I do sometimes get resentful of being so far away from my own family especially as I do not drive (I am due to take my test next week - eep!). We started having lots of arguments, many very heated. I put this down to the stress we were under due to the above.
Things got worse when I went back to work. My OH also got a new job - and is doing shift work which he finds difficult. It is also a job where he is having to learn many new things and he gets very stressed by it. I went back part time and my OH looked after our son sometimes when he was home, and the rest of the time he was in nursery. My OH said he was finding it too stressful looking after LO and doing the shifts and when I became pregnant again (planned - I know... I know...) we decided I would finish work as early as possible to be at home more. I finished work beginning of february.
I thought things would improve after this but they haven't. I constantly feel as though I am walking on egg shells around my other half. He has an explosive rage. Before I put it down to the lack of sleep and colicky baby - he would get up in my face screaming at me that I was a cunt etc. But then the colic went away, we are getting more sleep, I am home more, and yet he still seems to have an uncontrollable rage. He says that I goad him, and say things to make him angry. I honestly don't think I do. Sometimes I am grouchy and down, I admit this. But never have I exploded like he does.
A few weeks ago after a very strained couple of months, we had a huge falling out and I went to stay at my mum's for a week. We decided to make another go of things and although things seemed good for the first couple of weeks they are slowly slipping back in to old habits. We are so cold with each other. I admit I don't fancy him anymore, that could be the pregnancy hormones, it could be all the arguments, I don't know. But we rarely have any intimacy. During an argument he told me that he found it hard to be intimate as I was an ugly fat cow now - it was said in the very heat of the argument and he has apologised profusely for it since but it has stuck with me and I feel unattractive and down about myself.
Tonight was the final straw. DS ran his trike into the freezer a couple of times and broke the bottom of it - the freezer is fine, its just a bit of plastic. I should have been stopping it but I didn't, I was tired I admit that. My OH went ballistic at me and started kicking one of the cupboards. I picked up DS and went upstairs. Half an hour later I came back down to do dinner and I noticed that the cupboard was broken off its hinge. I asked OH whether he had done this and when he said that he had, I said that that was enough and I wanted him to go and see a doctor about his anger. This led to a massive argument, my OH saying that I had been pushing him all afternoon, and with DS in his arms he started screaming at me and kicking the cupboard even more until the door completely fell off. I went to grab DS and OH pushed him into my arms before placing his hands around my neck. I want to make it clear that it was only for a second and little pressure was applied but that was what happened. I burst in to tears and asked him to leave, to which he refused until I said that I would then call a friend to pick me up. The cupboard is completely ruined.
So now I am here. We have exchanged a few text messages, if need be I can copy them here but the jist is he thinks we are over. I am leaning towards agreeing. But then I am also so very scared of being a single mum to two young babies. I was recently made redundant as my company folded, I am still trying to see if I can sort out my SMP and I have very little money, I couldn't afford the rent here on my own and I am really upset trying to think about what I need to do etc. We haven't had our wages through properly as the redundancy people are still sorting it.
Am I over-reacting? My OH says I am, and said that should I speak to anyone that they will just agree with me because they are friends and family. So I come to you all to ask what it is I should do. Reading back it all looks so bleak! But is this just what couples go through when they are strained with young children?! Is it not as bad as I think? Will I regret leaving and trying to raise two children on my own?
I am so very very lost... Please help.
As I was proof-reading this I have had both my mum and dad call (they are seperated). My OH has been calling them saying what has happened. Everything feels like it is spinning out of control... :(
Thank you to anyone who has made it this far...