If a friend became rich would it affect your friendship? Mine has.

[pooroldme]

Opinions and experiences please......

a good friend and I are drifting apart for various reasons- we don't live close by which doesn't help- but she has become seriously rich over recent years.

She doesn't flaunt her wealth but her perspective has changed hugely. eg she buys Armani jeans at £150+ and says they are good value as they last ( so do Uniqlo @ £20!). Recently she bought 3 designer hand bags totalling around £3K. I ummed and aaaaahd for ages over £150 for a bag I liked.

When we first met my DH and hers earned almost the same- now her DH earns goodness knows what- about £400K I think- and they are millionaires if you add up all the property they own. She doesn't work, whereas I have 2 p/t jobs. We aren't badly off compared to others but compared to her we are.

I know this comes over as a green eyed monster- it's not that- I just feel the money has driven a wedge between us and she has lost track of how most people live.

She refers to friends she has who are 'so kind' and 'so generous' but they are in the same boat financially as she is and think nothing of spending a huge amount on a gift for her etc.

Can money change things?

I can relate to what you are saying.

We are not wealthy at all by comparison to a few of our friends. So when talk of group weekend breaks, skiing trips etc come up, we are immediately sidelined by our financial situation.

Similarly socialising is tricky - if we were to go out for dinner to suit our budget then it would not be the sort of place that they would choose to go - we would prefer a pub meal, whereas they have a particularly favourite restaurant where the main course is £30+

We are not jealous of them, they have either worked extremely hard / abroad or been bereaved to have acquired their wealth, but it does change the dynamic of the friendship, so they tend to do stuff with the wealthier part of our group and we tend to socialise with those who have less of an income, which means we have to work hard not to drift apart.

You say you've been drifting apart for 'various reasons' and that she is extremely positive about her other friends, so reading between the lines I'd say the issue of relative wealth is insignificant to the troubles in this friendship, which sounds competitive in nature.

I would think there are more profound reasons for why you are drifting apart from one another and she's appearing to value other friends and people more. I think she's probably choosing to spend time with people she feels more comfortable with and who in her perception, won't judge her. It sounds as though you are as upset by the presence of these other friends in preference to you, as you are the money issues.

Has your friendship always revolved around shopping and fashion? If so, I can understand that her new wealth might be a problem.

But if your friendship was based on more than that, I rhink it shouöd be possible to simply avoid any talk about shopping and the cost of things.

I'm a bit on the other side. I used to be financially poor, worked my way up and married someone who is doing very well. We are not millionaires, but very well off.

Apart from the fact that I simply feel uncomfortable talking about shopping/money/income with my friends (unless trying to solve a real problem), I think it's quite easy to avoid money topics in conversation unless the other person insists on it.

OP, I don't think that the other posters are trying to attack you. they are probably just simply trying to understand why you talk so much about money and the cost of things with your friend. I'm actually quite intrigued.

You know what gets me about Mn at times? The way that some posters seem to know me ( or another poster) inside out on the basis of a few lines.

Most of what is written here attributing certain behaviours to me is pure fiction. All the 'You must have said or be doing X because friend is doing/saying Y.' errrrrrrrrrr....no, sorry.

I'm a bit [shocked] at how some of you arrive at some conclusions.

So for the record-
I don't ask how much things cost.
Our conversation is 99% of the time about things that are nothing to do with clothes or bags.
I once admired her jeans and she told me they were Armani and offered to let me try them on. She then told me how much they cost. £150- not in the sale as a poster seemed to think they were. She then went on about how they lasted and were the only jeans that fit her.
I once asked her how she had spent her day- shopping was the reply. What did you buy, I asked. 3 jumpers from X shop, etc etc. I made no comment nor give a look- this was by phone.- she then told me how she had to buy them there as M&S doesn't fit her, though lots of people can look great in it.

I started this thread to ask if anyone had drifted away from friends due to a change in their circumstances. I don't think it's fair to try to read things into my posts that are not there and simply the result of some people's active imaginations!

Yes, money does change things, I find it difficult to have conversations with my brother who moans about his tax bill - which in ONE month was more than I earn gross in an entire year.
DH basically said, if you don't like paying so much tax don't earn so much money which didn't go down too well.

I think money is probably not the problem, it is you now have totally different outlooks on life. She may feel her life is a bit empty - shopping all day doesn't exactly contribute to the human race so maybe she is bored and maybe the cost of her jeans IS the most important thing she has now. Maybe she never had a hobby or inner life and now it is glaringly obvious to you?

I have dropped contact with a very old friend- she got into setting up her own business and everything was a sales opportunity to the point of emailing all her friends to ask them to like her on facebook and twitter - she started treating her friends as customers she could get money from, so I packed in the friendship, I don't want my frienships conducted via a company mailbox or facebook account.

So, you may just have not got enough in common now to keep a friendship going. Or you may have to just overlook this rather irritating habit she has.
Also, your firend does sound like she has fallen into the common trap of the nouveau riche, in being conscious of the monetary value of everything. My friend's parents are multimillionaires, they would never speak as crassly as that about money and bargains and shopping - but neither of them shop as a hobby, they are gardeners and we chat about that.

I don't think you are jealous, but you are coming across as quite judgemental.

'I could buy these things but I choose not to'.

Why does it bother you that she does?

I know what you mean. We have an old uni friend who is now very rich. Most of the time it doesn't make any difference to our friendship, and he is happy to go to the local pub and Pizza Express and socialise within everyone else's ability to pay.

However he buys very extravagant presents - all meant with love, but with a monetary value that can make things a little awkward. If we go on a night out, towards the end of the night, after a few drinks, he starts buying rounds - again, meant well, but he's buying champagne when all the rest of us can afford pints.

And as the years have gone on, he has made friends through work who earn the same as him, and he has gradually got used to expensive restaurants, members-only bars etc., and then he forgets that some of us can't afford it and we end up out somewhere, looking at the menu thinking, oh, shit, and it's very awkward for everyone.

So it shouldn't affect your friendship at all but sometimes it can, just a bit.

Before i met dh, i was working in the care sector, and living with my parents. I couldnt afford my own place. My very good friends who i had known for years were also in the same boat as me.

When i met dh, he owned and still does own a big business. I quit my job and moved 50 miles to his home town to be with him and work with him in his company.

Obviously my money scale went up by 40k a year more than what i was on in the care sector.

My friends were still struggling financially etc.

Money has never changed me, i do not tell my friends anything. Have bought etc etc as i knew they were struggling. I do not buy designer clothes etc.

Within 12 months of meeting dh, 3 of my friends had 'dropped me' with no explanation or anything.

However they still saw me the same amount as before i moved as i travelled back to my home town to see them weekly etc.

However they had started making comments about me landing right on my feet with dh, how money is no issue to me anymore etc.

These 3 friends have never met each other etc.

Yet one by one they disappeared.

So in answer to your question, no i don't think money does change people, but i think it changes your friends opinion about you when they have no money.

If discussions about money account for only 1% of your interactions with your friend, one wonders why this is an issue that merits canvassing opinion on a Relationships thread? It also seems odd that something of such apparently insignificant proportions has 'driven a wedge' between you and you said yourself that you have drifted apart from this friend for 'various reasons'.

You seem to be very angry and defensive with posters who've given you their honest opinions.

Maybe instead of that, it would be worth reviewing why several posters who don't know you (or each other) have gained similar impressions and insights based on what you have written?

If you're writing an article about something or you just want to chew the fat about the issue in general, this board and all the personal details about the relationship with your friend probably wasn't the best way of getting that information. But if this is your attitude with people who bother to respond, don't be surprised if people notice it and comment on it.

I am also a bit puzzled, if you hardly ever talk about money, and she hardly ever mentions her shopping, and when she does so, plays down her spending to you, why is there an issue, why has money driven a wedge? I don't get it.

yes having large amounts of money can affect relationships in a number of ways. I have someone very close to me in the multimillionaire category. She decided this year not to buy anyone christmas presents because they were away for xmas - her adult children and her and her dh instead did a secret santa for each other (budget £150!). The problem is that my ds is young and doesn't understand. I suspect the reality is that she doesn't really want anything I can afford to buy her.

Also she insists on paying every time we go out. That sounds lovely but it makes me uncomfortable. She is generally very generous but just lives a very different lifestyle to me now.

Kew that is mean, she should still buy for your DS. :(

I think it can sometimes and sometimes not. It depends on the people. Everybody knows people who are a lot better off than them and also people who are poorer. I wouldn't even think to spend £150 on a handbag. But if a friend of mine did it wouldn't bother me at all. But I suppose I could if I wanted to.

It is difficult when people lose track of how people live. I made somebody laugh once when I said I was trying to economise and was down to basics but wouldn't get rid of Sky TV! It's best not to take it too seriously if you can.

ali - I think it was thoughtless rather than mean. I think she would have been cross at family not buying hers a xmas present when they were seven. It just not a big deal for her - she can buy pretty much whatever she wants whenever she wants. I don't think she sees presents as being a big deal anymore.

I have friends who are very wealthy and friends who are very poor. I don't think it matters personally.

Whether someone could afford to buy designer jeans or not is immaterial to me. I only buy from charity shops anyway. You are giving this too much thought, IMO.

I think that your attitude and sensitivity around money before you become rich is likely to remain the same afterwards.

My DH has a very good job and we are probably in the top few % of earners in terms of household income. But we don't spend that much (I have just unwrapped a bargain £10 top from eBay!) and, if anything, I am probably acutely conscious of not revealing our level of wealth. I was brought up in a middle class family, but my parents were not cash-rich and placed a lot of emphasis on education, behaviour and not being 'flashy' about anything.

Overall, a person who was a jerk about money when they earned £20k, is still likely to be a jerk about money when they earn £200k.

This has happened to me as my good friend inherited a lot of money so can afford a lifestyle we cannot keep up with- we are doing ok but don't have much disposable income. Makes me sad but I guess it is just one of those things

But OP if you don't talk about clothes/shopping 99% of the time it seems that it is you who is focusing on the 1% that you do.

Yes friends can and do drift apart for a number of reasons, but this money issue seems to matter a lot to you, and not necessarily to your friend. If you want to maintain your friendship it is you who has to make it a non-issue. She has money, that situation is going to remain the same, you need to accept it or move on if you can't

I have experienced this both ways - friends who have much less than me and friends who have much more. Not yet lost a friend because of differences in income and expenditure.

If you lose this friendship, it strikes me from your posts that it will likely be because you have changed your attitude to her - you say clothes are only 1% of your conversation yet you see fit to post here about it so you clearly have a big issue with it - but no doubt you will probably blame it on her for having the temerity to have more money.

How often do you have these conversations though? If you asked her what she did that day then to be fair she did just answer your question! Ok maybe it was a bit strange to tell you how much it all cost but if she sees you on an equal par financially then it isn't exactly insensitive is it.

If she goes on and on about how much everything costs then yes it could get a bit grating.

I must say that if you could afford to spend £3k on handbags but just choose not to then I really don't understand the problem .

I don't think it has to but it can. I saw a group of old friends a few weeks ago. We have radically different lifestyles, incomes etc. We stayed in and got take away because a couple were skint - no big deal. They no more commented on my jeans than I did theirs

I have other friends who bang on at length about how I can't possibly understand how poor they are / how expensive kids are. Or they trot out the lines about 'I could buy that but wouldn't' or 'wouldn't even if I could'. I think it's odd and judgey which, incidentally is how your OP comes across. I suspect your friend feels awkward and feels she needs to justify her expenditure.

I don't think it has to but it can. I saw a group of old friends a few weeks ago. We have radically different lifestyles, incomes etc. We stayed in and got take away because a couple were skint - no big deal. They no more commented on my jeans than I did theirs

I have other friends who bang on at length about how I can't possibly understand how poor they are / how expensive kids are. Or they trot out the lines about 'I could buy that but wouldn't' or 'wouldn't even if I could'. I think it's odd and judgey which, incidentally is how your OP comes across. I suspect your friend feels awkward and feels she needs to justify her expenditure.