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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just received a text

59 replies

Coffee1Sugar · 07/04/2013 07:45

From my ex. We split when dd was 2 weeks old, she will be 3 next month. He's seen her 10 times, only day time, never received bday cards or presents for her and no call or text to just require how she is. My dp is a fantastic daddy to her has been since she was 19months.

But it was a shock to get this last night: "hi, been thinking, I don't want to be a part of (dd name) life. It's for the best. Have a good life".

OP posts:
Crunchymunchyhoneycakes · 07/04/2013 08:52

Keep the text, get maintenance official through the csa if it isn't already and be glad you don't have to accommodate this twat in your life.

It sounds like be was probably drunk, given the timing.

I wouldn't reply at all to be honest - treat him to a deafening silence.

CabbageLeaves · 07/04/2013 08:53

Hmmm whilst I agree with all the funny responses I would suggest caution. Sadly riled men can use contact as a weapon. I.e. having her just to piss you off.

I may be completely off the mark here but I'd probably just breathe a sigh of relief and laugh about it with friends

Whilst claiming through the CSA

Original poster
Coffee1Sugar · 07/04/2013 09:06

In just sad for dd. I've known all along he's a shit and she's totally better off without him but seein it in black and white, her being completely signed off. I slept on the floor in dd's room last night, don't know why, guess I feel even more like I need to protect her Sad. But yes she has a wonderful daddy who adores her, who cares he's not blood, hey? And that £280 CSA he's going to continue to pay and I'm going to spoil dd rotten with it. Up yours you selfish prick. And breathe. Too early for wine?!

OP posts:
notthesamenametoday · 07/04/2013 09:21

It sounds attention-seeking. And it is too big a deal for a text.

I wouldn't be all that surprised if it was a drunken impulse.

notthesamenametoday · 07/04/2013 09:26

Should've said...it's no excuse being drunk.it's a rotten thing to do

dawntigga · 07/04/2013 09:34

Good, tell him you'll instruct a solicitor to allow proceedings to start for adoption so your partner can adopt your child.

Not the easiest option but if they really don't want anything to do with their children it's a solution.

FuckingDeadbeatParentsDoMyHeadInTiggaxx

MrsPeeWee · 07/04/2013 09:34

Definitely keep the text for the many future references I am certain you will encounter.

Make sure the CSA carries on coming in. He might choose not to see her, but he has no right in picking and chosing the little human life he helped make.

Selfish prick. Big hugs. x

Original poster
Coffee1Sugar · 07/04/2013 10:31

Dawntigga - I've been thinking for months how id love dp to adopt her. We're in talks about getting married and dd has my surname so would love us all to eventually be "mrs coffee and miss dd dp's surname". And now that I've received this gem of a text I'm now heavily considering going down the adoption route. Though I'll give myself months to calm down from this dont worry!

I've never seen such a beautiful father/daughter relationship than the one she has with my oh. Lucky lucky dd that her real arsewipe dad is out her life tbh.

%23sad %23pissed off %23liberated %23laughing %23cant work out how I'm feeling!

OP posts:
thenightsky · 07/04/2013 10:55

'have a nice life' smacks of attention seeking.

DeafLeopard · 07/04/2013 11:17

Your ex sounds like an attention seeking knob. You are all better off without him.

SoupDragon · 07/04/2013 11:20

I'd thought about the adoption thing - you may want to sort it out with your DDs father before he vanishes.

bishboschone · 07/04/2013 11:29

My dh has never met his bio father . Would you consider keeping some pictures of him if you have any . My dh had a strong 'need' to know where he came from . He has a dad who adopted him when his mum remarried who is a great dad but still the need was there . Sadly we found out recently he died in 2011 so there is no hope of a meeting. I know he is an arse in just putting a different spin on Things .

Original poster
Coffee1Sugar · 07/04/2013 11:37

I don't have any pictures of him. His parents and family have never come to see her (they are from SA). She has no cards/letters from her dad or any of his lot so I can't even make a treasure box for her. Sad

OP posts:
olivertheoctopus · 07/04/2013 11:40

What a knob. Altho it does sound like you'll barely notice the different. Might be worth a screen grab of the text though just in case he gets arsey at a later date and denies saying it.

birdofthenorth · 07/04/2013 11:43

Astounding to disown your daughter by text, even if he has been no kind of dad at all by now. Glad you are getting CSA. If he is on the birth cert I don't think he can legally ditch his parental responsibility though? Unless as others suggest your DP opts to adopt DD and idiot ex agrees (which presumably he would). Until then he legally has responsibility for all this:

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/what-is-parental-responsibility

And conversely DP does not, unless you have applied for it separately.

Sorry your ex turned out to be a waste of space not worthy of sharing your DD's genes. She has a lovely Daddy though. She will no doubt want to know more about biological dad as she grows up but all you & DP can do is love her unconditionally, be there when she needs it and make sure she knows she is in no way to blame for her sperm donor being a useless prick.

Original poster
Coffee1Sugar · 07/04/2013 11:43

I've screen printed the text and will email it to myself, dp and my parents for triple back up!

OP posts:
LilyAmaryllis · 07/04/2013 11:52

and don't reply to his text!

cardamomginger · 07/04/2013 11:53

How vile.
Sending lots of hugs XXXX

DontSHOUTTTTTT · 07/04/2013 11:55

I would go down the adoption route if you can loose the money. I would be wary of taking the text at face value as he could have been very drunk. I would contact him and get confirmation (in as calm and businesslike manner as possible) that he wants to abandon stop seeing his DD.

Is he young? Might he change his mind Confused ? Are you in contact with any of his family?

If possible, it would be lovely if your DP could adopt your DD.

Original poster
Coffee1Sugar · 07/04/2013 12:08

He's 28. Dd has never ever met his parents or sisters, they live in SA and have never been over, nor ever sent her cards for bday or Xmas so she won't be missing out in the slightest with regards to his family.

Dp's parents and sister are very much grandparents and auntie which is lovely.

I think his visa must be running out soon and he'll have to return to cape town. Either that or he's got a new girlfriend and/or child and is just "easier" if my gorgeous dd didn't exist to him.

Dp (33) and myself (25) aren't loaded but we both work full time, mortgage is manageable and we have loads of family support from both sides. The CSA money of £280 paid about 2/3 of dd's nursery fees, but come next month when she turns 3 shell be entitled to the free 15 hours so it won't make any difference really just been helpful really.

Dp has been awy since Thursday. He rang last night and sensed I was upset but I just said I was tired as didn't want to tell him the text by phone. He'll be home tonight. I'm desperate for one of his cuddles!

I know we'll get married in a year or two and we'll be a unit the three of us regardless of my twat ex and his totally immoral decisions.

Thanks to everyone for your support xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffee1Sugar · 07/04/2013 12:13

As for him being drunk with that text - he can't drink due to medical reasons.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 07/04/2013 12:13

One other thing: it's very important to tell your DD the truth and not to let her think that your DP, however lovely, is her biological father. It might seem easier and better at the moment to do that, but it's something that seriously comes back to bite you on the arse later.
Without making too big a deal of it, let her know (in age appropriate ways) that she has another father, but that some people are just not very good at being parents and they walk away. She will need to know a little of where she came from but also she needs to grow up with a really deep level awareness that his disappearance was not because of anything she did.

SavoyCabbage · 07/04/2013 12:17

It sounds like you have a lovely life with loving people in it and a lot to look forward to.

Perhaps you could write some stuff down about your ex, while you can remember it, and put it away somewhere.

'Your biological father is called bob and he grew up in SA. He likes tomato soup and his favourite football team is West Ham. His parents are called jack and Jill and when he was growing up he fell down a well and had to be rescued by the fire brigade'

Then get on with your life.

flaminhoopsaloolah · 07/04/2013 12:23

Pretty arrogant for him to think he was in her life in the first place. 10 times in 3 years? Wow, yeah, he was really involved. You can't force him. His loss. If your DD wants to know more when she's older she can go looking for him.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/04/2013 12:28

Tempting to text back. "You're not. Bye"

Good idea to write something down about him...

Sounds like you're doing well though op and don't need this waste of space in your life

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