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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me to leave an abusive relationship

29 replies

genericnickname · 04/04/2013 21:23

I have nc for this as some of this will make me quite identifiable.

I've with partner for 6 years, on and off. We have one dd who is aged 2.5. After initially being great, our relationship deteriorated. He would get angry about me over lots of things, shouts a lot, and can be quite controlling. He often puts me down, calling me a slut etc, and has on occasion forced himself on me sexually. I have left him lots of times, and he has left me too, but we always end up getting back together. I realise how unhealthy this is, but he always tell me it will be different this time, and like a fool I believe him. I had a very unhappy childhood, with abuse of all kinds, and just want to be loved.

Now we have dd I really worry about her and what this teaches her about relationships. Tonight he got angry at me because I didn't ask his permission before sitting next to him. He shouted at me in front of our daughter, and when I got upset and asked him to leave he refused. Eventually after dd getting very upset, he did leave, but he still has the keys to the flat, so could come back at any time. I don't want him back, but I'm worried he will just try to force me to accept him back.

Dd is now talking, and says things like 'naughty daddy', 'don't cry mummy' and 'calm down, daddy' when he gets angry. I know this isn't right or normal, she is a child and I know that witnessing things like this isn't good for her. When her dad was shouting today she went and put her shoes and jacket on and got me my jacket - that speaks volumes.

Please help me here, I want to be a good mum to my dd.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 04/04/2013 21:31

I don't have any immediate advice but I want you to know I'm here. I'm listening. It's time to go for good - you know that and even your DD knows that.
It's time to make a plan. How can we help?

Original poster
genericnickname · 04/04/2013 21:36

I'm looking for advice on leaving him. He can, and probably will come back here tomorrow.

OP posts:
DiscoDonkey · 04/04/2013 21:41

Women's aid could be a good place to start.

There are lots of posters here who will be a better source of info than me, hopefully they will be along soon.

Good luck, my only advice would be don't doubt your decision to leave, it's the right one.

Original poster
genericnickname · 04/04/2013 22:05

Sad that most people seem to be ignoring this

OP posts:
PeppaFuckingPig · 04/04/2013 22:10

What help do you need from us?
What help do you think will enable you to leave?

If you're in the Glasgow area i can help you to come and kick him out. Seriously.

You know you deserve better. You know your daughter deserves better.

JammySplodger · 04/04/2013 22:10

I'm sure the useful crowd will be along soon.

Has he got his own place, is your flat just your flat? Can you get the locks changed first thing?

Have you told him you don't want him back at all?

Are you worried about physical violence?

JammySplodger · 04/04/2013 22:12

Do you have any joint finances?

JammySplodger · 04/04/2013 22:12

Can you see a solicitor tomorrow to fix residence of your DD at your address?

Fairylea · 04/04/2013 22:13

Women's aid definitely for starters.

What is your housing situation? Financial situation? Are you renting, is the house in both names? (If not you can just literally up and leave!) Do you have access to money? Can you start squirrelling some away - maybe to a savings account in your name only and if he does happen to find it say you were saving for a holiday and then move it again ? (I'm thinking you will need a deposit to rent a new home onyyour own, it will give you more options).

Look at turntous.org and find out what benefits you will be entitled to as a single parent. You might feel more empowered knowing what is available.

Original poster
genericnickname · 04/04/2013 22:13

Peppa, no nowhere near you. I just want help making a plan, I must sound rather thick, but I have no idea what to do.

Jammy yes I have told him that, I have been telling him for a long time. It is a jointly owned flat. I want to sell it and get my own place, but that takes time.

There have been issues with violence in the past.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 04/04/2013 22:15

I'm in Lincolnshire.
Do you have friends or family to help you?

PeppaFuckingPig · 04/04/2013 22:16

You don't sound thick at all.
I had an abusive ex. I was fortunate enough to be able to return to my parents when i eventually (after years) left. I did not have kids with him though which you think would make it easier, but i still dragged it out for years before leaving.

Have you got family support?

snowshapes · 04/04/2013 22:16

Have you got someone you can call to be with you tomorrow? You need legal advice on how to keep him out the house if it is also his. Do you think he will stay away if you insist or will he force his way in? Agree try Women's Aid or even police domestic violence unit for advice. Concentrate initially on making sure he doesn't and can't come into house, then worry about everything else.

whokilleddannylatimer · 04/04/2013 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBombastic · 04/04/2013 22:17

Lock the door, if he comes back, call the police.

I am having problems too so virtual hug ((( )))

You have to get angry at this treatment and stay that way, this is no way to live, nor for your child.

Go to a solicitor tomorrow for a restraining order.

Text, him, tell him not to come back and that if he does you will call the police and tell them EVERYTHING.

Put his stuff in bin bags outside the door and lock it, if necessary push something heavy against the door like a chest of drawers.

Is there anyone you can call to come and be with you? x

forgetmenots · 04/04/2013 22:18

Do you have somewhere you and dd could stay in the meantime? Unfortunately you can't change the locks if the flat is jointly owned. I would get out as soon as you can, look into all finances and see a solicitor. In that order. Don't look back, this man is a danger to your dd and has done unforgivable things to you.

whokilleddannylatimer · 04/04/2013 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
genericnickname · 04/04/2013 22:22

Finances are separate for the most part. I am fortunate that I do have saving but have nowhere to go. I don't have a good relationship with my parents and couldn't burden friends with me and dd, it's not like any of them have an space.

I need to go to work tomorrow and he has keys (and isn't working) so I'm worried he will come back then.

OP posts:
Piercy · 04/04/2013 22:24

Hi Hun

I think we are lacking on a few details on the practical side. I don't think any of us will say stay with him but I can give you some things you might want to think about and start getting together

Do you have family or good friends in the area who can help you?
Do you own the property/rent whose name is it in? Sell it and can you move in with a friend whilst the sale goes through, or move him out?
Seek legal advise plus go women's aid as advised by fairy
Get copies of paperwork, bank statements, deeds to the property, rental agreement whatever is necessary - amazing how this can disappear when they want it to!
Write a diary of events so you can remember what happened when should you need to refer to it
Write a little note to yourself of all the bad things or print this message so if you are having a weak moment you can look back at it and not go back to him

I hope this is a bit of a starting point for you and I send big hugs

P

forgetmenots · 04/04/2013 22:24

Generic - even for a night or two get a mate to let you kip on their sofa, tell dd it's a sleepover, while you get yourself together.

JammySplodger · 04/04/2013 22:27

Where is your DD tomorrow? Can you pack tonight then pick her up and stay somewhere else?

whokilleddannylatimer · 04/04/2013 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ouchmyhead · 04/04/2013 22:28

I'm sure your friends would not see you as a burden at all! You need to ring those closest to you, now, and arrange a place to stay. It's good your finances are separate, I'd assume now the biggest priority was getting important documents together (passports, bank details, car details, rent/mortgage/phone bill information) and arranging a place to stay.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation and admire your courage for breaking the cycle for your daughter.

whokilleddannylatimer · 04/04/2013 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NutherChange · 04/04/2013 22:40

Sorry you are going through this. It takes courage to ask for help. It's good that you know you need this for you and you're DD.

Call women's aid, they can provide specialist advice and assist you practically.

If you can, gather important documents before you leave.

You will need something to help keep this 'man' away from you. A solicitor can assist you in obtaining a non-molestation order via the civil courts, however, IME, they do not carry too much weight and are quite tricky to obtain due to the court allowing him to give his side etc, plus you will have to attend civil courts with him there. Also, if he breaks the order, they are quite difficult to enforce.

You might want to try the criminal route to obtain a restraining order. You would have to make a complaint to the police in order to start the process, you could make a complaint re him forcing himself on you sexually, but if you don't want to do that, you could have him charged with putting a person in fear of violence. This is a much more valuable order and is far easier to enforce.

Good luck OP, please keep yourself safe. MN is here for the hand holding and advice through the whole process.

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