please help me to leave an abusive relationship

[genericnickname]

I have nc for this as some of this will make me quite identifiable.

I've with partner for 6 years, on and off. We have one dd who is aged 2.5. After initially being great, our relationship deteriorated. He would get angry about me over lots of things, shouts a lot, and can be quite controlling. He often puts me down, calling me a slut etc, and has on occasion forced himself on me sexually. I have left him lots of times, and he has left me too, but we always end up getting back together. I realise how unhealthy this is, but he always tell me it will be different this time, and like a fool I believe him. I had a very unhappy childhood, with abuse of all kinds, and just want to be loved.

Now we have dd I really worry about her and what this teaches her about relationships. Tonight he got angry at me because I didn't ask his permission before sitting next to him. He shouted at me in front of our daughter, and when I got upset and asked him to leave he refused. Eventually after dd getting very upset, he did leave, but he still has the keys to the flat, so could come back at any time. I don't want him back, but I'm worried he will just try to force me to accept him back.

Dd is now talking, and says things like 'naughty daddy', 'don't cry mummy' and 'calm down, daddy' when he gets angry. I know this isn't right or normal, she is a child and I know that witnessing things like this isn't good for her. When her dad was shouting today she went and put her shoes and jacket on and got me my jacket - that speaks volumes.

Please help me here, I want to be a good mum to my dd.

Contact Woman's Aid.
Speak to the Citicen's Advice Bureau. They'll be able to advise you re: tenancy, benefits, rights etc.

Can you call the police if he returns? Do you feel at risk from him? He sounds like a massive risk to me.

You don't need me to tell you this, but i will anyway - you MUST be strong for your daughter's sake. Your dd putting on her coat and shoes, and getting you your coat is one of the saddest things i've read on MN. Please be strong OP.

Hi genericnickname I've just come upon this thread, see you haven't posted for a good while and I am hoping you are okay? You sounded so lost.

There are already a lot of people with much better advice than I could give, and I'm sure there will be more along shortly, but I just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you.

I hope you will consider following the advice that other posters have given, perhaps first by contacting Women's Aid. I know you need support and guidance through this, and you will get that from Woman's Aid, but more than that, it does seem from what you say that you might need some very practical help to stay safe, perhaps even a place of safety, while you sort everything out.

Meantime, as other posters have said, do not be afraid to barricade the doors, to call the police, to get help.

Let us know how you are, if you can.

Hi OP. Have only just read your thread. I have a few questions.

Do you have anywhere safe you can go to tonight or tomorrow first thing?

Do you have a working phone in case he comes back tonight and you need to dial 999 (which I strongly advise you to do as he has assaulted you before).

Is your front door secure? Bolted from the inside? Keys in lock?

Do you want to leave the property or do you want him to leave (not be let back in ever?)

Do you have access to bank statements, passports, bills etc?

Sorry OP. have x posted. All I can really suggest is Women's Aid and the police if he tries to forcibly return.

With regards to tomorrow. Can you take the day off work and get a locksmith to add a new lock? Please do not worry about burdening your friends, they may well be waiting patiently for you to just ask so they can jump in. Good luck