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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my husband called our marriage a 'sham' last night

36 replies

lunarx · 11/05/2006 11:41

after months and months of things getting worse and worse, i think we are getting to be at our wits end with each other. there is no emotional closeness between us, no sexual closeness (catch 22 there being if i want emotional closeness i have to have sex with him and he wont feel emotionally close to me unless we are having sex, on a regular basis.)

during a small row last night, he referred to our marriage as a 'sham'. i will not allow the excuse that he was drinking (on 3rd glass of wine) as an excuse for this.

(i stay at home and look after our 22.5 month old son, but i have to keep as much of my wits about me for that alone!)

but now he (husband) isnt speaking to me. told me last night we shouldnt sleep in the same bed (takes turns on the couch) - counselling is out of the question, no babysitter and no extra funds for the counselling anyway (have looked into relate, £42 an hour for night sessions) but to be honest, i have to wonder if we are getting to the point where counselling wouldnt do a thing anyway. he is very cruel, cutting and cold with his words and his silences. whereas i am sensitive and cry a lot (this pisses him off even more.)

i just dont know what to do.. i feel like banging my head against a wall.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/05/2006 11:45

trial separation? maybe if you two got some space it would help? worked for a friend of mine.

my ex-husband and i were separated for a while before we come to the conclusion that divorce was the best option for us. but b/c of the separation things never got nasty, it was a mutual, amicable thing.

VERY hard at first, and for a while it could have gone either way.

it may take the sting out of things, though.

i couldn't be with someone who equated all emotional and physical affection w/sex, personally.

Original poster
lunarx · 11/05/2006 11:57

trial sep. wouldnt work. he doesnt trust me so not having me around where he can overall 'keep an eye' on me would just destroy any bits of love he has for me. not to mention, the technacalities of it all (i'd have no place to stay, our son, etc.)

i am really starting to believe he just doesnt care anymore; then again, people who really and genuinely care for each other probably dont get along like he and i do. there is very little understanding.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 11/05/2006 12:01

Do you love him lunarx- do you want to stay with him and work it out or are you frightened of being alone and that is your reason for putting up with him being cutting cold and the silences.

expatinscotland · 11/05/2006 12:01

He sounds very controlling and manipulative. And he is refusing counselling?

Original poster
lunarx · 11/05/2006 12:08

tbh, i am starting to question whether or not i really do love him. im definitely not frightened of being alone. part of me holds some hope that things will improve. (how they will, is beyond me at this point.)

well i think he'd go to counselling if we had someone to watch our son and the money to actually pay for it. (couples counselling around here averages £50 an hour :( and relate isnt much better, £42 an hour with a 12 week waiting list.)

i dont know what he wants anymore from me. i think sometimes he enjoys seeing me hurt and cry. and the more i try to stiffle crying, the more i end up crying. its days like today i just feel trapped.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 11/05/2006 12:15

What about getting some counselling just for you on NHS? Might be a real support and could help you figure out what you want to do (repair the marriage or leave).

expatinscotland · 11/05/2006 12:15

Also, have you been to see your GP? Could either of you be depressed?

Belo · 11/05/2006 12:16

Maybe he's enjoying a power game? My dh went through a very stressfule situation at work a couple of years ago. He took it all out on me. He had a boss who was a complete b**h to him. It was if he needed to get his machoness back into his life somehwere.

Unfortunatly people are often the most horrible to the people who they are the closest to. Could this be in anyway a cry for help?

tyedye · 11/05/2006 12:27

i have a cartoon hidden away,a man i standing on the side of a chasm with a placard reading,"no sex,no love"
On the other side of the chasm is a woman w ith a placard saying "no love no sex"having read your thread,your situ is virtually identical to mine as per relationship.Good luck.x

Original poster
lunarx · 11/05/2006 13:09

i have seen my GP. she has recommended anti-depressants, which i am not doing to do at this point because they tend to make coping harder for me - im sure we are both depressed!

they do say, we hurt the ones we love the most. but thats not on really. someone shouldnt intentionally strike out at the one supposedly closest to them.

i couldnt think what this would be a cry for help for...

i just have to remind myself to take it one day at a time, its the only way i get thru the days.

OP posts:
anorak · 11/05/2006 13:26

Don't relate have a scheme for people who can't afford to pay?

adozenroses · 11/05/2006 13:44

My dh and I went through a similar situation a year or so ago now. We didn't speak, and when we did, we argued. Things went from bad to worse and we were on the verge of breaking up as there seemed to be no love between us.

I got some advice on how to deal with the situation and I wrote him a letter, trying to explain how I was feeling and how I wanted to try and work through our problems one step at a time. I also made him write back to me. I found this changed our communication as we didn't argue and began to understand how the other person was feeling.

I don't know if this will work for everyone, but it may be worth a try.

Original poster
lunarx · 11/05/2006 13:56

it is a good idea, adozenroses..unfortuantely when i have tried to write him (letters or emails) in the past, i find that the things i say in them just end up thrown back in my face at one point or another during a row. :I

almost time to wake my little boy up...just gotta get thru this..somehow today.

OP posts:
edam · 11/05/2006 14:01

If you were to separate, how come you are assuming you'd have to leave (your comment about nowhere to go with ds)? Why couldn't he go?

tyedye · 11/05/2006 14:02

lunarx,i wish you well,i really know how you are feeling!

Original poster
lunarx · 11/05/2006 14:27

edam> he pays the rent here. if he left, who would pay for it? :I i think if it came to us splitting for sometime, it would less hassle if i left.:(

tyedye> thank you..i wish you well too.

OP posts:
tyedye · 11/05/2006 14:42

I will come back to this thread later,you sound as desperate as me,i would like to think we could help each other?!Smile

expatinscotland · 11/05/2006 14:47

if he leaves, you can claim housing/council tax benefit and income support as a loan parent, as well as child tax credit. And he will have to pay maintenance.

Original poster
lunarx · 11/05/2006 16:39

please do, tyedye :) maybe we can! :D

he wouldn't ever willingly leave. that must i do know.

at least the suns out today...

OP posts:
Next · 12/05/2006 00:27

Lunarx - feel for you, awful situation when it is your EVERYDAY LIFE

Wish you all the very best

SSSandy · 12/05/2006 09:00

Hi there :)
I think he does care, you know. If I understood the situation correctly, he is hurt because you don't have a very active sex-life anymore which, let's face it, is probably the usual case when you have a baby, small child and no-one to take the kid off your hands. I think a lot of women have no problem letting their sex life fizzle out and a lot of men have a huge problem with it. You are not superwoman and looking after small children is so draining so I understand that you are not panting for sex when he gets home in the evenings.

What he wants I suspect is the boy-girl romantic-sexual relationship which was there before the child came. Whereas you are concentrating more on the mother role and hoping to have a supportive calm family environment. But you can have both and it doesn't sound so desperate to me that it can't be turned around. I mean what he wants is YOU, the girl, not just the mum - and that's not so bad, is it?

I wouldn't rush off and leave the father of my small child to get into some desperate financial mess unless I was really driven to it. What I see here is that you are hurt because he is so demanding and yet not giving emotionally. He is hurt because there he is doing what he thinks a man should do for his wife and kids - and ending up feeling neglected in return.

Try and turn it around without discussing it to death. You do still want him, don't you? You can still imagine having sex with him - or does the idea of it gross you out?

Make an effort to dress nicely in the mornings even if you will just be hanging round the house all morning. Give him a hug before he goes to work every morning, go out to the car with him, cook something you know he loves, put on perfume and make-up and nice clothes for him when he comes home from work, pour out two glasses of wine and sit on his lap, massage his scalp and give him a REAL kiss. I don't think it will take all that much. Once he sees you do love him (and not just a father figure with a payroll?), he will be able to show that he loves and cares for you. And the whole vicious circle gets turned around.

Maybe explain to him you're so drained sometimes that the energy isn't there for sex and I am sure he'd pay for a babysitter one night a week under those circumstances, wouldn't cost the earth and you two could go out somewhere and have a bit of fun as a couple.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2006 09:05

Lunar,
I REALLY think you need to get your depression treated first and foremost. I know you don't like the idea of ADs - I didn't either - but they do have their place.

You sound very depressed and it is truly hard to make decisions about your life when this disease isn't being addressed.

If he is depressed that is his lookout, no one can force a person to get treatment.

But honestly, ADs are NOT the end of hte world and - in my case at least - can give a whole new lease of life you didn't think was possible anymore.

Original poster
lunarx · 12/05/2006 10:35

expat> i was on several ADs last year (not at the same time!) and to be honest, there were adverse reactions to them. i had a good think last night about life and how i need to change things for myself. ADs for me ARE NOT the answer. they work for many people and thats excellent. but for me, i need to think more positively and today. i am. i do not think i am VERY depressed. i just need to change my outlook. and i am. one thing at a time, and right now, i am addressing my own issues before attempting to tackle those in my marriage.

thank you SSSandy for your long response! it is most appreciated! last night, me and dh barely spoke. i went on with my night..had a nice bath, read some of my favourite inspirational book and i had a long think about how i view things in my own life. and how negative i am. all the time. thats not good for anyone. and right now, changing my outlook is the best thing i can do.
and i am trying very hard today. wrote an awesome entry in my journal last night which im going to type out and carry with me to read when i am down.

i cant change everything. and i cant change how dh feels and acts. but i can take responsibility for my and my actions. and work on them:)

OP posts:
Next · 12/05/2006 10:37

Lunarx, are you going on ADs because it is him making you depressed, or because of PND or some other reason?

If it is his behaviour making you feel so low (have been there) then perhaps the trial seperation is a good idea. He has no right to make you feel this way.

Does he realise he is so cruel? Try writing him a letter, then he will have to address the fact that he is basically making you feel like shit. Write how he makes you feel inside. It just might shock him, seeing it in black and white.

Do you think a weight would be lifted from you if he wasn't living at home?

Next · 12/05/2006 10:39

sorry - hadn't seen your last post