my husband called our marriage a 'sham' last night

[lunarx]

after months and months of things getting worse and worse, i think we are getting to be at our wits end with each other. there is no emotional closeness between us, no sexual closeness (catch 22 there being if i want emotional closeness i have to have sex with him and he wont feel emotionally close to me unless we are having sex, on a regular basis.)

during a small row last night, he referred to our marriage as a 'sham'. i will not allow the excuse that he was drinking (on 3rd glass of wine) as an excuse for this.

(i stay at home and look after our 22.5 month old son, but i have to keep as much of my wits about me for that alone!)

but now he (husband) isnt speaking to me. told me last night we shouldnt sleep in the same bed (takes turns on the couch) - counselling is out of the question, no babysitter and no extra funds for the counselling anyway (have looked into relate, £42 an hour for night sessions) but to be honest, i have to wonder if we are getting to the point where counselling wouldnt do a thing anyway. he is very cruel, cutting and cold with his words and his silences. whereas i am sensitive and cry a lot (this pisses him off even more.)

i just dont know what to do.. i feel like banging my head against a wall.

Are you married to my dh?

Can totally identify with your post and shall keep an eye on the thread.

Hope things work out xxx

hiya Next, im not going on ADs. they arent the right path for me. i need to face all this straight on. without arguing and thats gonna be hard for me! the trial sep. is not really an option (for above reasons.) but if it gets really bad again, i am going to suggest that i go stay with his sister (who is 3 hours away) for a week or so (with our son, as my SIL loves him!).

no i dont think he realises how cruel he is. he internalises things and then when it comes out, it comes OUT. i have told him this and i do want to think he knows this, but it is HIS issue to deal with. i cannot change how he deals with things. but i can change how I react. i've written letters/emails before, it does no good.

i think the only way i will get thru to him is to have a change in my approach to things. and last night, he came to bed and i told him how i was feeling so negative lately. and how it is so bad for me. and how i will start to change my outlook on everything.

i think if i were truly ready to give up, then yes, not having him here would be a weight lifted. but as of right now, i am still willing to try. but we both need to acknowledge that changes need to be made. and not only made, but adhered to!

lunarx,

you can only take it one day at a time and problems that have mounted up over time, don't get dispelled all of a sudden. You sound strong and positive today - hang on to that.

Anything in your life that makes you feel good - do more of it. Do less of anything that drags you down.

Good luck!

SSSandy, one day at a time is EXACTLY how i am looking at things! im sick of repressing myself and my feelings for the benefit of others! if i want to laugh loudly at a park full of other moms and kids because my son is having fun, i will!

im trying hard.. i know it wouldnt always be easy. but damnit. i have to try. i need to. my son needs me to. and my marriage needs me to.

i have to know i have done all i can...

thank you!!!!

Lunarx, My mum runs a counselling centre and they often provide low cost counselling for people who can't afford the full rate. You don't have to prove that you can't afford it, they'll soon get the picture when you talk to them, often they ask for a donation, which can be whatever you can afford, often £5. What happens is that your counsellor will be someone who is in training, they will be receiving supervision, which means they have an experienced counsellor to turn to for any help they might need. I know that she is not unique in this and that its quite common practice. If you try counselling centres rather than individuals you might get some help.

In the meantime, if it helps my DH and I have fortunately v. rare, but horrible rows. We drew up some rules a few years ago, one of them was not to use phrases like 'You never' or 'You always' - it really helps somehow we find it's easier to take on board critisicmn (can't spell) when its not exagerated.

I wish you the best of luck, my first DH was cold and gave me the silent treatment and it used to drive me crazy.

Hi lunar,keep at it,make time to put yourself first!my dp livid with me because i forced the issue and got him down to gps,HE is on AD"S now.fingers crossed.

id like to come back to you properly,right in the middle of my own relationship crisis tho,BBL.xx

thank you glassofwine.. things have been much better. thursday night i had a long think about things and i am trying to view things better now and its working. im not arguing as much and dh is noticing. thank you for the tip about the counselling though. once we move, i will look into this:)

hiya tyedye, write when you can..(if you want to email me, [email protected] - thats cool too) i hope all is ok with you... xx

how are you doing, tyedye?

quite crappy thanks,dd now dropping off on me,i will email you asap,thank you

ok tyedye, look forward to hearing from you!