Detaching from narc parents - dear god, the pain....

[Lottapianos]

Am struggling massively these last few days. Both parents are narcs and brother and sister also have traits. I visited them all 2 weeks ago and had a pretty horrible time. It's clear they have no interest in me, my life, my DP or anything to do with me at all unless it's on their terms. I grew up in Ireland but now live in UK and they are so angry with me for leaving. Of course, being narcs, this is all unsaid but I know it's there.

The emotional pain has been feeling physical recently. I've been feeling nauseous and also like I have a huge weight in my chest. I have cried a lot and talked out loud to them as if they are here, sworn at them and told them how angry I am. I have so many years and years of repressed anger inside, it feels like it will never end. The pain is unbearable sometimes - I have thought of self-harming for some relief but I haven't done it and know that this is not the way forward.

I feel so hurt, so rejected, so alone, like I don't matter to them at all and am tolerated at best. They hardly ever contact me or visit me but expect me to do all the work of keeping the relationship going. This makes me so angry but also so guilty. Aaaaagh!

I see a psychotherapist weekly, have been on ADs for 4 months and have great support from DP and from friends. Things are just feeling extremely raw right now.

What helped you/helps you to handle detaching from toxic family members? Thank you for reading

I was lucky, I suppose. I've not lived with my mother since I was a pre-teen and though she's not narc herself, she massively enables her husband.

After years of being belittled, ignored, having last minute cancellations and last minute, even unannounced, arrivals, my mother engineered (yet another) argument with me.

Every other time I went crawling back, apologising. This time I didn't - it was just over 8 years ago.

She wrote me a couple of vicious letters but I stood my ground. She said we could resume contact when i would allow her to "say her piece". Well I'm afraid hats when I figured that she gave up that right when she walked out.

I've seen her once since - at my beloved Gran's funeral. She totally blanked me, it was as if dh and I weren't there.

The only thing that niggles is that she has 3 totally amazing grandchildren, one of whom is now a real young lady at 13, they're doing well, happy, healthy, sporty, intelligent, musical - everything a grandparent could want. When she last saw them they were 11 months, almost 3 and almost 5. Ds and dd2 are 11 and 9 and don't remember her. Luckily they have a great paternal Grannie and my awesome step mum as Gran.

Weegiemum, that is so sad. She is missing out on so much - she could be having such a lovely relationship with her precious grandchildren. But she has chosen not to.

I take my hat off to you and your strength in standing up to her. I know that your independence from her will have been hard fought and hard won and I hope that you feel your life is much better off without her in it. Not that it's an excuse for a second, but I really don't think that people like our parents have any idea how much hurt and grief and pain they cause - they are too wrapped up in their own misery. It's downright tragic but no reason why we should have to be as miserable as they are.