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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Detaching from narc parents - dear god, the pain....

52 replies

Lottapianos · 02/04/2013 21:07

Am struggling massively these last few days. Both parents are narcs and brother and sister also have traits. I visited them all 2 weeks ago and had a pretty horrible time. It's clear they have no interest in me, my life, my DP or anything to do with me at all unless it's on their terms. I grew up in Ireland but now live in UK and they are so angry with me for leaving. Of course, being narcs, this is all unsaid but I know it's there.

The emotional pain has been feeling physical recently. I've been feeling nauseous and also like I have a huge weight in my chest. I have cried a lot and talked out loud to them as if they are here, sworn at them and told them how angry I am. I have so many years and years of repressed anger inside, it feels like it will never end. The pain is unbearable sometimes - I have thought of self-harming for some relief but I haven't done it and know that this is not the way forward.

I feel so hurt, so rejected, so alone, like I don't matter to them at all and am tolerated at best. They hardly ever contact me or visit me but expect me to do all the work of keeping the relationship going. This makes me so angry but also so guilty. Aaaaagh!

I see a psychotherapist weekly, have been on ADs for 4 months and have great support from DP and from friends. Things are just feeling extremely raw right now.

What helped you/helps you to handle detaching from toxic family members? Thank you for reading

OP posts:

MumnGran · 01/05/2013 12:56

You asked what helped in the cutting off process:

changing my phone number, so I was safe from unwanted contact.
therapy
time
constant reassurance from people who actually cared about me, that it was the right thing to do
reassurance from the therapist that I wasn't going to burn in hell for my actions
realising that my kids would be forever safe from the poison
more therapy

....but above all, time.

Stay strong.

Original poster

Lottapianos · 01/05/2013 12:59

Time and therapy That is what's working for me so far. It really does take time though. Every time I have a crying fit or panic attack, I try to remind myself that by going through it I'm moving one step closer to a time when I can fully detach from them and feel truly happy. I know it will be worth it, it's just such a rough process.

OP posts:

Salbertina · 01/05/2013 13:08

I dont know, am confused, went nc months ago but not worked entirely and not sure should gave done. God i dont know.

MumnGran · 01/05/2013 13:11

Personally, I don't believe in a gradual process, because it just prolongs the pain, constantly undermines moving forward and doesn't prevent the eventual final cut off needed to be truly healthy.

But that's just me.

However you approach it, just stay strong :-)
x

Original poster

Lottapianos · 01/05/2013 13:54

Hi again Salbertina
I know a lot of people on here say that going non-contact was the best thing they have ever done, but there isn't just one answer for everyone. If you do decide to go NC, it has to be in your own time and it has to be something that works for you. It doesn't work for me so far because I just end up even more anxious and tortured by guilt.

When you say it has 'not worked entirely', how is it making you feel?

Thanks MumnGran - I can see what you say about it prolonging the pain, but at the moment I just don't feel that I can live with being NC. Maybe that will change, I don't know.

OP posts:

Bedtime1 · 01/05/2013 14:00

Just been thinking about you. Strange how you have popped up on here.

I'm still no where nearer to what I am doing as regards my family. Think about it though you've only been 6 weeks with no contact and it's going to hurt like anything if that's what you are going to do. It will take a long time many ups and downs before you ever feel a bit better and accept the situation for what it is.

Bedtime1 · 01/05/2013 14:03

Coincidence how you had the panic attacks the night after you text them. I think it's because they responded nicely so maybe you feel is it you that's the problem and not them.

Original poster

Lottapianos · 01/05/2013 14:06

You're so sweet Bedtime1 , thank you for thinking of me.

I think it's fine to not know what to do actually. There's no reason that you have to make a big decision about any of this. My therapist is helping me to shift the focus back onto my behaviour, which is something I can control, so I get in contact as and when I want to. Although that means letting go of any hope that I will have a good relationship with them, which just about kills me some days. There's still a tiny part of me that thinks if I can just find the 'right' thing to do, all of this will get better

OP posts:

BallerinaZeena · 01/05/2013 14:06

I really feel for you OP. I feel the same with my mother. I have tried so hard to go NC. My mother has no one anymore though and I feel so guilty she is alone despite the fact she has driven everyone in her life away. I ignore some phone calls but then eventually call her back. It's really hard.

Original poster

Lottapianos · 01/05/2013 14:09

'Coincidence how you had the panic attacks the night after you text them. I think it's because they responded nicely so maybe you feel is it you that's the problem and not them'

Yes, it's true They are wildly inconsistent - I can never be sure what kind of response I will get from them. I often do turn my anger towards them in on myself. I think I am angry with them for the way they responded, but it feels easier to be angry at myself IYSWIM. I really do feel like I'm cracking up at times and I have to hold onto things my therapist has said and my DP has said to remind myself that I'm not. It feels like having to swim as hard as I can to stay afloat. It's bloody exhausting

OP posts:

Bedtime1 · 01/05/2013 14:19

Sending you mn hugs.

Yes thats the one always feeling like I have to make a desicion, it becomes draining, but we are in control really and i suppose we don't have to do anything. I think where my situation differs from yours though is your parents will leave you be but my mum if I am trying to work things out she is very needy and constantly pushing to meet up and if I say no or usually make an excuse she still will not accept then I get critiscm and abuse for not seeing her. It's not always however if I had left it 6 weeks like you she would probably be round banging on my door. My mum is overbearing, doesn't give me space.

Yes the I get the ray of hope that you will be able to have a nice relationship and they will change. It feels like I'm waiting. Do you feel like that?

BallerinaZeena · 01/05/2013 14:22

Bedtime - I feel like that. I still hope that she will change. But the 30+ years my dad has known her and my years and my siblings years and the 60 plus years her brothers have known her and their experience shows she won't. Not probably won't, she just won't. And that realisation is where the grieving kicks in I think. Having or starting to think about having a family really brings that to the surface I think as you think about how you do, and don't, want to be a parent and a good mother.

Bedtime1 · 01/05/2013 14:24

Lotta - the cracking up I know. Why do we waste so much time and hurt so much over our parents who seem to just get on and not suffer at all. Maybe it's because nobody makes them feel like they make us feel. Maybe thats it? So they have no reason to feel hurt.

You know the anger - does it feel like its festering inside of you and eating you up? When you say you hold onto things do you mean a table or objects?

Original poster

Lottapianos · 01/05/2013 14:30

I love MN hugs so thank you

That sounds horrendous Bedtime1. Both my parents used to be very overbearing and would ask me for chapter and verse about every aspect of my life, but I gradually just started sharing less and less information with them. I'm sure they werent' happy but I had to protect myself. I now tell them hardly anything, and try to keep the conversation to the fluffiest most trivial stuff. It's easier for me because I live in a different country to them so I don't have them hammering on my door!

I can't remember - do you see a counsellor/therapist? I know it's really intimidating and can be downright scary to say no to an abusive parent, but over time a therapist could help you build up stronger boundaries, so you don't get roped into doing things that you really don't want to do. Her giving you any kind of grief or abuse is just not on and you don't have to accept it. Easier said than done I know but just wanted to remind you of that

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Bedtime1 · 01/05/2013 14:30

Ballerina - do you think people have ever changed though? That's the thing it's hard to know wether they will. My mums been like this years too. Maybe I can't sit around hurt waiting to see if she changes anymore. Thats effectivley what im doing. Maybe the odd people change but evidence seems to point to a huge percentage that don't and are like that forever. This has affected my life for far too long.
I don't have children yet but am thinking of it soon, hopefully I will be able too.

Do you feel as bad as you did or do you accept it more?

Original poster

Lottapianos · 01/05/2013 14:36

'You know the anger - does it feel like its festering inside of you and eating you up? When you say you hold onto things do you mean a table or objects?'

The anger used to come out through drinking way too much, smoking way too much, thinking of self-harming and getting furious at little things, like someone barging in front of me on the bus. Through speaking to my therapist, I realised that I was never allowed by my parents to have my own feelings - if I felt something they did not feel, they would either laugh at me or ignore me. I'm slowly realising that it's ok to feel angry and that I have enormous amounts of it inside me stretching back years and years. Anger is the cause of my panic attacks - it's like I can't hold it in anymore and it comes out through physical symptoms like nausea and rapid breathing, and sobbing. It's bloody horrible but I do feel relieved (and exhausted!) afterwards.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lottapianos · 01/05/2013 14:37

I think that people definitely can change but it has to come 100% from them. If they do change, it will be because they want to, not because someone else wants them to. I know that my parents are not capable of reflecting on their behaviour - they think they are the world's greatest parents and I am the ungrateful little bitch who has abandoned them. It may be the same for your mum, only you know.

OP posts:

BallerinaZeena · 01/05/2013 14:40

I accept it more. The best thing anyone ever said to me was, 'you don't have to see her. Don't. It's fine.' My therapist and boyfriend said it around the same time a few years ago. Is was a revelation. Because for so long people had said 'but she's your mum! You only have one mum.'

Having that permission and support seemed to help.

Right now though my mum is waiting for me to get in touch to arrange a weekend visiting her.

Like you I feel sick at the thought and anxious. I'm going to try and put it off. Forever!

BallerinaZeena · 01/05/2013 14:42

And I don't have DC yet but fell pregnant a while ago. I told her and she said 'your DP is young. Have you thought about what will happen if he leaves you? He probably will'

Urgh I hate her! She thinks this is 'caring' and the 'sort of thing a mum should say'!

BallerinaZeena · 01/05/2013 14:44

Sorry that was ranty, just sharing experience. It is good to talk with people who understand

BallerinaZeena · 01/05/2013 14:46

You might be interested in this Lotta www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

DogEgg · 01/05/2013 14:51

It's only by reflecting on our behaviour that we learn anything, so maybe accepting that your parents don't do that is a step to accepting they can't change?

I really understand the feeling "I can just find the 'right' thing to do, all of this will get better." It is not our responsibility to keep trying things until you we hit on the non existant 'right' thing that will turn the magic key in someone elses life.

I spent years trying everything with my parents and constantly coming home to my DH and saying "I just wish it could be nice." One day he gently replied "You've tried everything love, you need to accept it will never be nice." That was a turning point for me.

Original poster

Lottapianos · 01/05/2013 14:55

What a horrible thing for her to say BallerinaZeena. My mum has said similar things - she always has to pee on everyone else's parade. I think a lot of it is down to jealousy - she is so miserable herself that she can't bear the though that other people could be happy. That is really hard to take when it's her own daughter though

'She thinks this is 'caring' and the 'sort of thing a mum should say'!'

The sort of thing a mum 'should' say to her daughter is something supportive, encouraging, letting her know that she will be there for her and that she trusts her to be able to handle a situation. What your mum said was just about making herself feel better and wasn't about benefitting you at all.

I'm sorry about your mum and I'm sorry about your pregnancy

OP posts:

Bedtime1 · 01/05/2013 15:01

Lotta - interesting maybe that's why I get panic attacks. So are you learning to have feelings now then own them as you. Maybe because things have been suppressed for you, you haven't become who you are or found you just yet.

My parents think that too. They think they have been wonderful and not done a thing.

Ballerina - I feel for you. It's awful when there pressurising you. My mum is the one who tells me those lines " but im your mum"
It's def good to talk, it's a good thread to Talk with people who get it. What I've been astonished to find out is there are far more mums dads family members that are like this than I thought. Im glad I'm not alone but wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Original poster

Lottapianos · 01/05/2013 15:44

Bedtime1, I'm working on building up my 'nurturing parent' voice, the one that says it's ok to have feelings, it's ok if your feelings don't immediately make sense, they are there for a reason and they cannot hurt you. I've internalised my parents' criticial and judgemental voice so I'm slowly starting to replace that with a more supportive voice of my own.

It is easier to accept my own feelings but it really feels like learning a new skill - sometimes I'm quite good at it, sometimes I'm awful at it! It took me about a year of therapy just to be able to name my feelings and recognise them, and even longer to feel vaguely comfortable with being angry. It's such hard work but the best thing I have ever done for myself.

OP posts:

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