Have just completely over reacted to DH, what is wrong with me?

[ThatsNotMySock]

Bit of background - have been feeling general low rumbling dissatisfaction with DH, nothing major just a combination of me being ill and not getting out of the house much and him being tired and choosing to sleep/be on computer rather than talk to me. Honestly nothing major, but I'm feeling quite tetchy and tending to blame myself for him not wanting to spend time with me in the evenings when it's probably just that he's tired.

Anyway, this morning he was on fb talking to someone (female) he worked with 2 years ago, she had friended him, was asking how he was, and asked his to sign a goodbye card for someone they used to work with who was quitting. So far so normal, right? This girl who's leaving, my DH never really said they were good friends but took her out to dinner without my knowledge when they were working together

He also used to do overtime even after the shop should have been closed (most days actually). Said sometimes he was working, sometimes just smoking outside with "the boys". I was at home at the time with a very cranky sleep-rejecting baby and would have welcomed some support, but ended up feeling quite a lot of resentment.

Which I thought Id got over, but clearly not as when he mentioned about signing the leaving card I asked him if that wasn't a bit weird, seeming as he quit 2 years ago, claims to not have had much contact with her, didn't get on with her that well, so why were they chasing him up after 2 years? I told him I wondered if there was more going on, obviously they at least got on better than he said if 2 years has passed and people still think of him when she's leaving, plus a million other irrational lunatic things about what he might have been doing when he said he was working overtime (9am-11pm at least days)

He was understandably furious with me, I said far too much (and he said, and has said in the past, some pretty horrible things about me, one reason I feel a bit insecure I suppose), and I think I was quite irrational, but I know he's lied about things in the past so my heads all over the place. I will apologise to him when he gets home, but he said before he left he can't live with me because of what I said. Why did I get so crazy? Why couldn't I bottle it up?

Sorry for the long post.

Reading that back, I do totally suck, don't I [buconfused]

I suppose a lack of "attention" from him, plus seeing him being so excited to hear from someone else, plus the rumbling mystery of the girl he "didn't like" but took out for dinner behind my back, and still stays in touch with it seems just built up and flicked my crazy switch. I've been really stupid haven't I

You may or may not have overreacted but from what you say, it does sound like all is not rosy. Tell me to piss off but you do sound a bit cowed by his attitude to you, whether or not you are right about this other work friend. How is he in general ? Is he appreciative of you in any way? How does he like being a father ?

I think the main problem is that you don't feel your dh has you as his priority, if you felt you were his priority and important to him this woman/card/shop business wouldn't bother you.

And for him to say he can't live with you after you've said these things, that sounds ridiculous on his part. It sounds like a very strange reaction to what you say is one conversation.

I know he's lied about things in the past

What kind of things, in addition to having dinner with a female co-worker?

Doesn't really sound like you overreacted.

Why are you still with a liar?

I don't think you have overreacted.

He sounds selfish - leaving all the shit work of raising babies to you, not putting you first etc.

His choice to work overtime most days suggest he is avoiding family life - again another indication of his selfishness.

Taking a girl he says he "does not like" out for dinner is very dodgy - the dislike aspect could be an attempt to cover up his true feelings for her.

I would be interested to know about the lies too.

Being selfish, lying etc are all typical traits of a cheater.

We always say on here to trust your instincts.

I don't think you overreacted at all.

He has clearly broken your trust in the past, and so you are inclined to think badly of him when this kind of thing rears it's head.

And I think his reaction says a lot, that rather than say 'look Sock, I can see it looks bad but honestly nothing went on, I love you. Let's make some time to spend together etc etc' he has ranted at you and blamed you for the whole thing.
I do think it is rather a step from tetchy with each other, to 'I can't live with you'.

Tread carefully, and do NOT apologise.

Hi just wanted to say you have the right to feel that way.
You are not alone in how you feel,
I have been in a situation recently where I have had to tell someone to back off my husband on a public website.
it worked gone quiet now but was crossing boundaries.
even if they thought they were having a convo it was getting clicky.
Go with your gut instinct, as many people say on here. xx

If you think his face lights up when he's on FB and yet he's currently
tired and choosing to sleep/be on computer rather than talk to me then I don't blame you for feeling left out.

When you say I've been really stupid haven't I sorry to be dense, do you mean now or back then?

I'll try to answer as many points as I can Sorry if I miss anything out, not intentionally drip feeding but trying to catch up on work at the same time.

He is appreciative of me, but shows it by doing things not saying things. So he'll do lots around the house, but won't really be demonstrative with his feelings in other ways. I know doing things is valid, and nice, but when he's angry he really insults me (calls me crazy, irritating bitch, unstable, wishes we'd never got married etc etc) He says he only says them in the heat of the moment and doesn't mean them, but will really struggle to say anything nice.

I asked him jokingly why he loved me the other day (I had been dropping things, burnt dinner, lost his keys etc and kind of laughed at myself and said "why on earth do you love me, I'm a mess!") and he said he couldn't say any reasons. He was genuinely stumped. It just hurts to hear lots of nasty things and not so many nice. Actually he does says he loves me every day, but has said before that its because I "expect" it, not because he wants to He "feels uncomfortable" talking that way. Yet these other women must have found him nice to still want to be in touch years on, so I am very very jealous that they obviously adore this lovely side of him that he shows them, and I get the angry (not always, but in times of stress/fights), not caring side Pathetic, I know, but it does hurt.

I told him that's exactly why I was feeling jealous, he said it's easier to be nice to people you don't really know

I think he enjoys being a dad, but I don't like the way he talks to our oldest (4). He seems to get stressed with him quite easily and has started calling him "stupid". This alone makes me want to run for the hills, so I think all this is piling up on me really. (I have obviously told him in no uncertain terms to not ever do this again, and he is apologetic and will stop.)

His hours of overtime was very much in the past, he has since changed jobs and is at home a lot more, no more overtime. When he's at home, he does a more than equal share of housework and kid stuff without being asked.

Where am I with these points? Um, lies. Well, similar things really. Going for drinks after work with a woman, (different women on different occasions - only about 3 or 4 times that I know about (various reasons for not saying - thought i would be jealous/wouldn't care/none of my business - depending on how arsey he was feeling. I know, he's a keeper isn't he!)

Alibaba I would love him to reply like that, it would make me feel so much better. However he knows I've been furious in the past so instantly thinks I'll be furious again, and attacks before he gets attacked. This has led to any insecurity of mine, if I mention it, getting a mostly angry response which makes the paranoia worse.

Donkeys Actually then and now really. I thought about leaving the first time but was newly pregnant, and didn't trust that I wasn't being overly hormonal. I should add, he doesn't spend time with other women now. He's realised what he did hurt me and broke my trust, but thinks I should be over it now and just forgive him already.

I don't think he's cheated, and I know I worry about it too much. I just hate that I've had to put up with all these insults from him, but other women seem to love him and think he's kind and sweet.. I should be happy that people view him like that, but I just feel this overwhelming jealousy. Is that odd or not odd??

Oh god, sorry for the length!

I don't think you have overreacted. I'd also feel jealous, upset and permanently suspicious if my DH had been out for dinner with a woman other than me. Can't think of any good reason for doing so, unless maybe they'd been friends 20 years before you came along, and rarely see each other.

Everyone says stuff they don't mean when they are upset, but the underlying reason you are upset is the main issue, and your DH shouldn't just dismiss that because you said some things you didn't think through in the heat of the moment.

he said it's easier to be nice to people you don't really know
And still get H privileges, riiiight.

I don't like the way he talks to our oldest (4). He seems to get stressed with him quite easily and has started calling him "stupid"

Whatever else is going on I'd stamp on this quick smart.

I don't get the impression he lacks self-esteem, ThatsNotMySock. Bit of a power imbalance going on here.

Of course it isn't odd. Your own husband can't think of a reason why he loves you? He calls you unstable and says he wishes he hadn't married you?

When a man tells you what he is like, listen to him. He is telling you what he is like.

The reason that other women find him charming company is because he makes an effort for them, takes them out for dinner (WTF??). And then he comes home and calls his wife crazy and irritating and can't tell her why he loves her.

I really don't think you should equate housework with him being appreciative of you. It is his house too, presumably he likes it to be clean and tidy? If this is the only tick on his card then things are in a sorry state.

What do you feel you get out of the relationship?

Well, he came home and I gave him a bit of space then tried to apologise and explain why I'd got upset about such a stupid thing. He wasn't interested in listening, or hearing my side, just got angry and defensive. He said he hated that I always dragged up these things from the past, as I said before he thinks I should be over it and trust him completely (despite him blaming it on me at the time!)

Things escalated badly (I got v ranty at being blocked again) and the upshot is, he doesn't think he wants to be together. Marriage is "too hard because you have to make time for other people" Being married/having kids is expensive, so he always has to worry about money He doesn't think he loves me (though he could just be with holding because he's pissed off with me - he does this a lot!)

I never nag him about money, I'm about to go back to work after being a SAHM, so I am making an effort.

Thanks for not thinking I'm totally crazy by the way. The things I said to him were really irrational and I do feel bad. I apologised but he says he can't go on any more being blamed for this. I have asked him countless times to have a proper conversation about this and why I felt hurt, but he manages to turn it into an argument or diatribe about how unreasonable I am. Not exactly reassuring! I think, although today was really unfair of me, it's all built up too much.

He says the marriage is over. Says he won't leave the house though. How convenient for him. Btw, he has form for this. Says this about once every 2 months, next day says sorry, he didn't mean it. Today I have told him even if he says that tomorrow, I will not listen. What a mess [busad]

Alibaba He not only does some housework, he also.. goes out and earns all the money!!

Oh god, just remembered I have blocked out the part where he said he was being mean to me because "I needed to learn my lesson"

No thanks!! Rather remain uneducated!

Fuck me OP that is all pretty awful. I do feel that you are in an EA situation.

What do you want to do? It is all about him at the moment.

Well, he's called time on your marriage, so now it's time to start formalising your separation and eventual divorce.

This is emotional abuse, OP, and I suggest you take him seriously this time when he pronounces your marriage over...and take steps accordingly.

btw, I didn't think you were over reacting in the first place

you certainly under reacted big style when he gave you major cause for concern in the past

AF I agree that I under reacted in the past. If only I'd had the mumsnet wisdom then that I have now. It's just been stumbling along since then really.

AThing I do agree, he seems to have laid his cards on the table, and I'm quite happy with that decision. It is really sad, and we have had some good times, but something about the situation we're in now is just crap. He says he's more stressed now he has more responsibilities (me&kids) and new harder job, but says it's OK to take that stress out on me as we're family

He thinks I'm asking him to change his personality, but all I'm asking is for him to stop insulting me. If he finds it hard to say lovely things, that's his personality in a way, I can understand that. But being insulted, then when I ask for reassurance being told he can't think of anything he loves about me.. seriously, how does he imagine that's normal? Well, apparently his family do it all the time so it's normal for him, and me saying it hurts me and asking him to stop is me being weird

I hate the kind of person I've become (worrying, insecure) so I'm not worried about being on my own. Just frustrated as I've been here so many times and he always apologises the next day, says he didn't mean it then all is calm until the next upset (except it's not calm, because I feel like shit.) Then I feel like I have to try again because "he didn't mean it". But I can't carry on like this. Have looked to see what benefits I would be allowed, at least till I get back on my feet at work, and it looks like I could make ends meet. I think he would leave and go home (other side of the country)

What else do I need to look in to? And how do I stay strong if he apologises and not slip back into the whole mess again?

Thanks for listening x

this link may help you

Well, I don't know you don't slip back. I expect you have to be sure in your own mind you have had enough. Write it all down. Reread this thread. Get some RL support that doesn't consist of male-appeasing shite like "he doesn't know what he is doing" (he does) and "he loves you really, and if you just try harder you can make it work" (you can't).

Do lots of reading about emotionally abusive relationships and the co-dependent traps you have been falling into for so long. It's all out there.

Only you can do it though. I actually recommend you don't go ahead with anything if you are not 100% sure. Because if you cave again your self esteem and self respect will plummet further.

You do not talk to your significant other the way he has talked to you (name calling, put downs, saying he never should of married etc).

It may take a few months or a few years but this will erode your self esteem & you'll see it for what it is. It certainly isn't normal & it was sad to read it as you underplay it so much.

Take care

"He thinks I'm asking him to change his personality, but all I'm asking is for him to stop insulting me"

He's decided it's not something he can change about himself & it's just how he is (that's bs by the way but this will be how he justifies it to himself).

You really are better off without