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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arguements

33 replies

tiredoffighting · 02/04/2013 13:34

Myself & DP seem to be going through a rocky patch at the moment. We had another row over the weekend, alcohol infused & a silly arguement at that! The problem is DP gets so angry he cant see anything but the anger. He reckons we row all the time & hes had enough. I think he handles the arguement wrong & thats our issue. Lately we seem to be arguing about twice a month, he sees this as 2 much for couples & obviously we dont work together. I see it as when an issue arises & I say it to him he gets angry, shouts etc, walks away & ignores me for days.We dont live together so its easy for him just to leave & stop contact for days.
How often is too much arguing?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/04/2013 13:47

'Too much' is very subjective. All couples are going to disagree from time to time and it's how the disagreement is handled that is important, not the frequency so much. Alcohol-infused arguments that are about silly subjects are not a good thing because it suggests there is some unspoken animosity or resentment lurking that only gets aired when inhibitions are down. Shouting, losing control, walking off, sulking & silent treatment are extremely bad traits because it's not constructive, nothing gets settled and it's very bad behaviour.

When he says that you argue too much what I would be worried that he what he'd really like is for you to agree with him all the time, never contradicting or challenging his opinion or behaviour ..... Hmm That kind of man is not the sort you want to be in a relationship with, sorry.

Original poster
tiredoffighting · 02/04/2013 14:00

I say that all the time to him, he hates when I say anything bad about him. I feel hes trying to punish me then by ignoring me so I wont do it again as he knows this really upsets me.The arguement kicked off on sunday as when we last argued 2 weeks before he said some pretty hurtful stuff to me before he started ignoring me. He then refused to talk/text for 3 days, told me it was over then arrived to my house saying sorry & that he loved me...... I said on sunday that i was confused & unhappy the last 2 weeks as he was hurtful yet then said he loved me & procceded to over the next 2 weeks do stuff around my house that needed doing, DIY etc!!!
After the arguement on Sunday he said its over again, I left as I was in his house & had a few texts from him saying basically its all my fault, nothing gets resolved as i dont communicate with him!!!!

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 02/04/2013 14:03

LTB!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/04/2013 14:23

I would take it on face value that it's over and drop contact. This hot & cold act - one minute saying he loves you & the next blowing up in your face - sounds incredibly annoying and immature. No he can't communicate, that's crystal clear. So save yourself the bother of being on the end of all these hurtful remarks, being ignored, being dumped etc... and leave him to it.

Original poster
tiredoffighting · 02/04/2013 14:29

The problem is we really do love each other & the bits inbetween are amazing..... Its just this one issue that bloody keeps coming up! I cant make him see that his reaction to the issue isnt very productive

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/04/2013 14:34

'Love is'.... Not shouting, sulking, going off in a huff, saying 'it's over' and ignoring you for days on end. Of course the bits in between are amazing. No-one in their right mind would stick around if someone was miserable and argumentative 24/7. But this sounds like a fairly fixed pattern of behaviour for him to any criticism or disagreement & it is getting worse rather than better. That is not a good sign.

How long have you been going out together?

Original poster
tiredoffighting · 02/04/2013 14:42

2 years..... We fixed it before & he made the effort to sit & talk things through..... That lasted a couple of months & worked really well..... Just lately it has reverted back to this. I think a lot of the issues are in his head he is just waiting for the next row so he can throw it at me "see we dont work, we argue all the time"! On sunday before the row he was so lovely, hugging me etc, commenting on how next week we are 2 years together & how strong we are!!! Then yesterday he texts saying how unhappy he is! When in spoke to him then later he said he's only unhappy when we argue other than that he loves me......

OP posts:
Willow36 · 02/04/2013 14:49

Dump him.

You stay with him and this is it for the rest of your life. Round and round in circles. You really want that?

YoothaJoist · 02/04/2013 14:51

He sounds like a real drain.

The only question in these situations is: 'Does he make my life better, or worse?'

If the latter, dump his sorry ass.

Original poster
tiredoffighting · 02/04/2013 14:57

I think i'll call over to his house later & see what we can come up with. A proper talk about this. See if anything is salvagable from this mess the last few days.... He does make my life better, just this happens and throws everything up in the air. Although I wont put up with this happening again, I'll be firm on that.... Thats if we can go on.

OP posts:
catballou · 02/04/2013 15:05

Say to him in a time when you are not arguing that this is issue is becoming increasingly troubling and you don't see a way forward unless he takes a long hard look at his communication style. Is he prepared to change, to consider that he could be contributing to the problem....ask him that. Is your relationship important enough to him that he would consider counselling? Sometimes a third person as mediator can help. If he scoffs at the idea or brushes off your concerns then I think you have to ask yourself is this a relationship in which you both can grow and be happy long term.

Milly22 · 02/04/2013 15:13

I had this with STBEH and we had awful arguments where he always dug up the same old things against me all the time and being plain nasty and always threatening to leave me. This went on for over a year until January and I told him OK and got myself a solicitor, now that things are in the hands of our solicitors he's given up arguing and actually being nice as he's lost the biggest argument of his life. The day I told him no more to the arguments was the most liberating day of my life and now he sings to my tune Grin

Original poster
tiredoffighting · 02/04/2013 15:13

I dont think he will go for counselling. We have a very good solid foundation & generally things are great. No issues at all except for this. His previous relationship was similar, his ex never raised issues with him, swept everything under the carpet & they ignored each other for days on end. I pointed this out to him on sunday & that angered him more than anything, that i brought up his ex! I brought it up as a point of his behaviour has always been the same, he trys to tell me its my fault he ignores me

OP posts:
garlicbrunch · 02/04/2013 15:25

In totally different circumstances from yours, I learned to do this whenever I was on the point of kicking off:

Very slow, deep breath.
Count to ten.
Identify feeling(s): Angry about what, exactly? Afraid what's going to happen, exactly? Do I feel ignored, controlled, etc?
Assess feelings: Is the emotion proportionate to the trigger? Is it relevant? Is it useful at the moment?
State feelings.
Abandon any that didn't score 3/3 or shelve for later examination.

Sometimes I needed to jot down notes to help me stay focused but, believe me, if I could do it in full meltdown anybody can. I did learn further 'tricks' (counsellors call them tools) to manage my emotions but the above is the key stage. There's a split second when you feel a literal kick inside you - as if you will explode or something - and that's when you need to take the breath and start counting. It's incredible, you don't explode Wink

I think you probably nailed it when you said it's as if something else is going on in his head - this is invariably the case with genuine rage - although it may take him many, many 'assessments' to figure it out himself. Just for now, try running it past him and see what he thinks.

Good luck :)
If he can't or won't take responsibility for his own tantrums, I reckon you will have to LTB for your own sanity. Hope he can do it!

catballou · 02/04/2013 15:31

Well this is a fairly big issue and unlikely to go away as it's quite clear he doesn't see a problem with his own behaviour. Everything may be great in between , good foundation etc but unfortunately life happens as well and these issues will always come to the fore-unless you spend the rest of life agreeing with him and supressing your own personality. How tiring.

garlicbrunch · 02/04/2013 15:38

Cross-posted with your last :(

You mustn't mention his ex - how does that work, exactly? Does he like to imagine he was only born a few years ago, and has no past relationships? (Would you really want to be in a relationships with a two-year old??)
Does he think he 'failed' with his ex? Did he take your remark to mean he's failing with you, as well?
You and his ex are different individuals. He has a different relationship with you. Is this a problem?

"he tries to tell me its my fault he ignores me " - red flag, I'm afraid. How on earth can you make him ignore you? Not possible.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings · 02/04/2013 16:12

I think men act in many different ways my dad was a bit similar
my dh withdraws! I don't know whats worse.....:/

CostaTen · 02/04/2013 16:14

Good grief OP - how old is he?

Blowing hot and cold, sulking, controlling, ignoring you and then telling you that he loves you - sounds like a narcissist to me.

Original poster
tiredoffighting · 02/04/2013 16:47

He says its my fault as in i angered him that much he has to ignore me or he will say something he will regret! He does that anyway! The ex issue is that he feels its unfair to bring past relationships into ours because they are different to ours.... I tried explaining that I only did so to back up a point but he only hears what he wants to hear..... I think he finishes it as he really is feeling at that moment that he wants it over but as the days go on & he calms down he realises he was wrong by ending it. It goes like this,

Day 1: Arguement happens & he walks.... He sends a few texts & then prob finishes it.

Day 2: He completly blanks me.

Day 3: He starts softening & will send a text or two discussing what happened

Day 4: He calls over or I call to him & everything is fine (in his eyes)

Im left then confused but greatful hes talking to me again so I rarely go back to the issue that started it in case another row happens!

OP posts:
garlicballs · 02/04/2013 16:58

Great, so you're expected to work on a four-week amnesia cycle? Is it worth it, can you live like that?

Original poster
tiredoffighting · 02/04/2013 17:02

No I cant.... Im gonna call over to him in a bit & talk. If he cant change it will be finished

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum95 · 02/04/2013 17:07

No don't LTB!!!!

Get him to do all the DIY jobs THEN LTB

You don't say ahat the issue is?

Original poster
tiredoffighting · 02/04/2013 17:09

Not any in particular, just anything that is raised about him.....

OP posts:
garlicballs · 02/04/2013 17:19

Lucy Grin

OP, seriously, I very much hope he will recognise he's unfair and do something about it. Am concerned that there are underlying issues, as you suspect, and even if he wants to change his ways he might not be able to. Still wishing you all the best, though.

garlicballs · 02/04/2013 17:20

This might sound like a mad question: Does he remember the rows, as far as you know? Is he aware he was unreasonable?