Arguements

[tiredoffighting]

Myself & DP seem to be going through a rocky patch at the moment. We had another row over the weekend, alcohol infused & a silly arguement at that! The problem is DP gets so angry he cant see anything but the anger. He reckons we row all the time & hes had enough. I think he handles the arguement wrong & thats our issue. Lately we seem to be arguing about twice a month, he sees this as 2 much for couples & obviously we dont work together. I see it as when an issue arises & I say it to him he gets angry, shouts etc, walks away & ignores me for days.We dont live together so its easy for him just to leave & stop contact for days.
How often is too much arguing?

Imho, what was said up-thread is what is going on. He doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions, responsibility for anything that is expected of him, responsibility for his own feelings, or responsibility for his alcohol use and subsequent consequences.

The nice-nice routine is a courting ritual to seduce you into his power; it is not love. That is not the real him. The "if you don't agree with me, then shut the f*ck up" is the real him. He is trying to train you-and good for you that you are not a push over here. It didn't work with his ex, it isn't working with you; that is the core of his comments about "you don't work together" ie: ending the relationship. He wants someone it will work with.

Consider yourself lucky you don't live with him / aren't married. Perhaps next time he shouts you down and stomps away, let him go. And then don't get in touch/respond again-effectively you ending it. Keep any explanations to a minimum if you must respond: something like- "I am done here, just tell it to the next one."

He is trying to train you ... He wants someone it will work with.

Very astute. It would have 'worked' with the old me, as well - until he pushed it that bit too far. Which he would have done, it's in the script :(

Your Day 1 to Day 4 'cycle' I'm sorry to say has all the hallmarks of emotional abuse. Especially the part where you say you're so grateful that he's talking to you again that you take him back and forgive everything. Very disturbing that what happens next is that you don't go back to the same issue. Over time this is very damaging to you because he is upping your tolerance a little more and a little more and a little more. His behaviour is already appalling .... but you keep going on about love and how he's such a nice person.... so his tactics, whether deliberate or accidental, are working.

He's getting you, very gradually, to shut up, avoid certain subjects and this is only 2 years in. Please open your eyes.

I did have a friend over last night & I did say to her it felt like emotional abuse.... I was EA & PA in a previous relationship so can kinda see the signs.
I went over this evening to talk, it went ok. I told him how i felt about the circle of events that happen when he doesnt agree with what i say. We have decided to have an 'Issue day' once a week were we sit down & talk about any issues that have arose that week with either of us. That way its controlled, & shouldn't have any fall out. Also gives us both a chance to mull it over & see if it really is an issue that needs discussing.
His reasoning today as to why he ignores me was that he knew I was hurt by the row on sunday & he really didnt want to make me worse by texting or talking as he was still angry & was hurting himself! Not sure if the weekly issue day will work but worth a try. We both know this is the last chance.

Interesting :) Hope it works for you ... and pleased to see you've drawn your 'line'. If it seems to work for a few weeks, then goes back to normal - or if some other weirdness surfaces instead - don't forget to come back here for a booster! Good luck, though.

garlicballs I gave him a run down of ur anger thing and he was interested in it, gonna jot it down for him tomorrow. It's defo the last time, if anything I really cant go through the torment again! Days feeling like crap for nothing really..... Seen on another thread there a website for the red flags so gonna read up on that now also. Im not convinced yet i'm completely ok with what he has already done to me. Doesnt sit right with me. Couldn't really work on that aspect as I was upset over Sun. Now that has sorted it's time to concentrate on me clearly with no overhanging issues. Thanks guys for all the help today xx

I'm not sure about a 'weekly issue day'. Sounds restrictive to me. The risk is that he puts up platitudes or goes off in a huff at the allotted time and you're expected to shut up for the rest of the week. In a healthy relationship with a balanced individual you should be able - within reason - to say and do anything at all and be able to have a grown-up conversation if you disagree without it leading to tantrums.

it's time to concentrate on me clearly

Yes, yes, and yes again! Trouble with head-workers is they can take up all your energy & spirit. Make your efforts for someone who'll appreciate them - you :)