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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what was the last straw?

71 replies

Newmumsuchfun · 02/04/2013 10:24

what did your ex other half do that made you decide enough was enough? or what could your current partner do that would make you leave?

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 03/04/2013 15:13

Agree with af

I can't believe he had the cheek to blame you too.
Hope you're ok. You need to get out of there one way or another, there's plenty of support out there if you need it as well as MN

BuddyButters · 03/04/2013 15:18

You know when you're waking up and reality/dreams become mixed up?

My last straw was when I woke up panicking, convinced I was pooing the bed, when in fact it was my XDH removing himself from my backside.

To my shame it happened twice before I realised I loathed him and left.

I wish I'd gone straight to the police but it was years ago and at the time I assumed they wouldn't be that interested.

Oddly, it never particularly traumatised me at the time, beyond thinking " You utter bastard how dare you?!" but as I get older I find myself more angry and outraged.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2013 15:36

christ almighty, Buddy, that there are people in this world who behave like that makes me sick to my stomach

pinkpeony · 03/04/2013 15:40

With hindsight, the controlling/abusive behaviour had been going on a long time. The last straw was when the abuse became physical - like you, never hitting, but pushing, shaking, grabbing my arms and bruising me, kicking me in shins - and in front of the children (both verbal and physical). It took me a bit of time to plan my escape because I needed to see a lawyer, house was in both our names and I couldn't move out of house with tiny kids, so had to get him out of the house and the legal stuff took a bit of time (a few weeks once I had made up my mind that was it).

Please see the GP so at least it's on record that you were target of domestic violence and have bruises, and GP can give you some advice - they have seen it all before. If he does it again, call the police immediately. And call Women's Aid today for advice.

BuddyButters · 03/04/2013 18:19

Yeah he wasn't a nice man. Reckoned he couldn't remember doing it. Must have done it in his sleep. Hey ho.

Tethering · 03/04/2013 21:42

newmum you trying to get past him did not justify his actions at all and it's also concerning (although typical!) that rather than apologise he tried to minimise and shift blame. Lots of abuse starts after the birth of a child because you're more vulnerable.
If I was to look back at what should have been the first straw then the other issue (apart from the pushing) was that he felt entirely justified in his bad behaviour.
Your dh threatened to call the police because it would make you feel isolated and as though you had nowhere else to turn not because he felt your behaviour was wrong. It was a tactic to frighten and silence you. Try to tell someone in real life what has happened. You need support and help to put the guilt for this incident back where it belongs - with your dp not you.

SanctiMOMious · 03/04/2013 22:52

yes, i agree, even if you don't go to the police, go to the gp and tell them the truth so that it's on record.

when you do finally leave the mad bastard he will be less able to paint a certain picture if there is some proof of his violence.
although, like my xmil, he could say 'you did that to yourself'. yup...

Original poster

Newmumsuchfun · 04/04/2013 03:12

Hi everyone. I have told him its over& i can tell hes trying to manipulate me. He started off all nice and poor me then said in evening he'd been to see a flat and tried to leave job (head tells me this is lie) then gave me a reason for all his recent aggression (head tells me it is lie). then that he loves me etc. then out of no where said i couldnt get him out of the house as hes on lease for next 3 months. quite evily. He said if i do this he will walk awayfrom our son and never ever see us again & im scared im ruining my babys life. any advice/help?

OP posts:

HansieMom · 04/04/2013 03:57

MN advice is that is a very common thing for them to say. I will leave and never see child again.

But anyway, please do call cops, show them injuries.

AnyFucker · 04/04/2013 06:29

I would say he is bullshitting and following a very well worn script

Personally, I think it would be a great result if he fucked off out of your lives forever

3stars · 04/04/2013 06:59

My h wrapped his hands round my neck nearly 4weeks ago-he blames me cause I pushed him too far by being nasty to him by telling him how upset i am about his behaviour-again-he was told by his family he mustn't do this and to keep his hands behind his back when I make him cross!!I phoned solicitor yesterday and said I wish to proceed with divorce:( he doesn't know just yet. Once they do it once they will again, first time he hit me was year we got married, it's never been constant, 13 years later he has got physical on occasions during those years and this was the final straw-along with alot of other s*!Look after you and your baby

bigbuttons · 04/04/2013 07:03

newmum firstly very well done for taking these first difficult steps and posting here. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do. You are very brave.

It might seem that those of us here who have experienced abuse could not know how it is in your particular situation, but one fact I have learned over the years is that abusers DO follow a script. It is sometimes very unnerving to read what someone else's abuser has said because it can pretty much be word for word.
Is is abusive and you are brave. If I had my time over I would have got out years ago, but i was scared and I was in denial and he managed to erode my sense of self worth so significantly that I believed he was right to kick me, strangle me, headbutt me, call me names etc. I believed somehow that I had pushed him to it.
Just before I got out last year I put my hand up to my face to protect it from his spitting. I barely brushed his skin but he leapt back screaming. "you hurt me, you hurt me, abuse, abuse" this was infront of all our young children.
These men are utter shits.

ladyjadie · 04/04/2013 10:49

It's good that you can tell that what he's saying is manipulation. I remember just being so desperate to cling on to the relationship that I was almost grateful when he did the whole 'I love you, it's because of (insert bs excuse here). It's only looking back that shows us the clear picture.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't see a clean break from a violent man as ruining anyone's life. It would be much more life-ruining to be a woman living her days out with a violent person. Or a child growing up in a violent household (and even if they don't see it, they pick up on it)

My mum put up with DV from my dad til I was five. Then she got out. And I've ended up being in 2 abusive relationships, therapy etc. But that is just my story of course.

Lueji · 04/04/2013 10:51

He said if i do this he will walk away from our son and never ever see us again & I'm scared I'm ruining my baby's life. any advice/help?

Firstly, if anyone would be ruining your baby's life it would be him. His full responsibility, not yours.
On the other hand, if you never see this violent man again, it is not a bad thing.
Possibly even not for your baby either. What kind of example is he setting for his child?

Lueji · 04/04/2013 10:54

You'll see a range of behaviour as you stand your ground.
From the pleading to the threatening.
I wonder how long it will be until he states something about not being worth living without his family or something...

Take care, as he may well become violent again. Keep a charged phone with you all the time.

bigbuttons · 04/04/2013 12:01

Also bear in mind that the younger the child the easier it is to recover. The younger the child when you leave the less under the abuser's influence they will have become.
there is a marked difference between the attitude of my 14 and 13 year old ds's who chose to stay with their father and my youngest ds who is 6, who actively dislikes his father and senses the control his father tries to wield. The 3 dd's in the middle 11,9 and 7 have attitudes towards him commensurate with their age and the length of exposure. So oldest dd is more attached to her father and will defend him whilst recognising his faults then middle dd who is frightened of him and youngest dd is also frightened of him, but more secure in her feelings. The younger children see through him, the older ones do not

Fraying · 04/04/2013 21:18

As bigbuttons said, many abusive men do say similar things. Mine said the exact same as your's ie that he would walk away from dc. In the space of a day, he'd changed his mind and decided he'd actually try for full custody as I was a bad mum .
They are trying to get their own way and saying the words that they know will hurt most.
Think about how your baby's life will be impacted if you stay with your dp. Your relationship will be the main example they have.

Milly22 · 04/04/2013 22:11

Being told every couple of weeks if I didn't 'get on board' to his way of thinking he was going to leave, after a whole year of it I told him if he didn't I would, thinking I was bluffing he eventually got my Solicitor's letter and now he totally regrets it, as for me............. can't happen soon enough

mummymcphee · 04/04/2013 22:57

Hello newmum i hope you are ok! My exp did something very similar to me when I was 6 weeks pregnant. Looking back he had been controlling and emotionally abusive for a long time. I called the police and Women's Aid and told my family and friends. I now have a lovely happy secure DD who has never met her dad. It was totally his choice not to meet his DD and it is just another form of control.....he is the one who has missed out.

ExP's current GF came to see me in secret recently to ask me what my version of events was. She had recently been on hols with my ex and he had held her against a wall by the neck and then held her down on a bed whilst hitting her in the face and smashed up her phone. She is still with him and looks utterly miserable 100 per cent of the time.

My two greatest fears in life were being left whilst pregnant and ending up in an abusive relationship. I have survived both and we are thriving with no help from Ex P. Good Luck what ever you decide! xx

Marshmallowflumps · 04/04/2013 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tightfortime · 05/04/2013 15:39

None of this is your fault. You are right to finish it, it?s a very destructive relationship if it has reached this point.

Bruises and bruises, threats are threats. The relationship is over, no matter how good you thought it was (and looking back, I suspect this was the final straw after years of EA and you?ve just realised it; otherwise why the thread?)

Regardless, you?re very brave and doing the right thing. We?re here. Do not be afraid to call the police, WA or your GP. Preferably all three.

Now he has hurt you, he will again and it could get worse.

Do what?s best for your baby and you and get the hell away from him before he persuades you/threatens you otherwise

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