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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what was the last straw?

71 replies

Newmumsuchfun · 02/04/2013 10:24

what did your ex other half do that made you decide enough was enough? or what could your current partner do that would make you leave?

OP posts:
Tethering · 02/04/2013 21:54

The first straw should have been when he pushed me against a wall and threatened to punch me if I didn't shut up (and when he later reworked an account of this argument (without mentioning the threat of violence obvs) into an amusing after-dinner anecdote Hmm ).
Newmumsuchfun when you say you pushed do you mean physically? or did he say you pushed him emotionally to become physical?

tightfortime · 02/04/2013 22:13

The insignificant one was when I sat him down yet again to try and get communication, some agreement to work on things and got told I was selfish and a poor mother for going to the gym and losing weight, an alcoholic for going to a friend's birthday that I'd taken two weeks of grief to stand up to him and actually go to and that I was a bitch.

The big one was a few weeks later when he texted me driving at 60mph with DD in the back saying he knew I was going to leave him and he'd gone to kill himself.

Whatever's happened, be safe x

PermanentlyOnEdge · 02/04/2013 22:20

When he denied to a counsellor set up by CAMHS that he had hit our son (all previously admitted and on record with SS), told them I was lying, that there was something wrong with me and that I was dragging him through all these 'hoops' (Relate, CAMHS, SS) in order to have SS take the children off him.

I walked out of the room and told him that was it for me.

If you are asking, I would say just leave. Life is too short, don't waste a moment longer on someone who is not categorically making your life a better, happier place.

If you 'pushed', all he had the right to do is 'push' back with the same level of force in self defence. If you had any other worse response he is out of line.

Machli · 02/04/2013 22:27

When he attacked me in front of my child and my five year old ds got in the way to protect me Sad. Something totally hardened inside me. I could not have my child protecting ME I was supposed to be protecting HIM. I called the police who removed him and I never let him back in again. It was hard, so so hard. But every time I felt myself buckling under his pressure to let him come back I remembered my ds shouting at his Dad to stop it and get off Mummy and I knew I would never let him back.

Lueji · 02/04/2013 22:57

Not sure if relevant to you, but the first ever incident and the one that almost led me to leave now exH (!), then DF, was when he pushed and pushed me emotionally by being extremely jealous over one incident where I supposedly looked too much at some guy who was dancing (everyone was looking as he was showing off and now ex had made us sit down because he didn't want to dance anymore).
Anyway, at some point he said something I really felt offended by and I slapped him (me being half his weight).
We were sitting on the bed and he literally came at me and pushed me against the window by the throat.

Ok, I slapped him (not a good thing, I know), but his response was abusive because it was totally out of proportion.

I should also have dumped him there and then just because of the jealous rant he was having.

No MN back then... :)

theoldtrout01876 · 03/04/2013 00:27

the day he went for Ds2 instead of me.

ladyjadie · 03/04/2013 01:52

First ex- Should have been when he grabbed me by the neck and lifted me off the ground against a door during an argument. Or when he held my head under water in a sink while it filled up. Or then when he dragged me across a field and kneed me in the stomach so hard it winded me and I passed out, because he'd caught me having met my bestfriend for a drink (I wasn't allowed to hang out with her Hmm )

I always said it was my fault, I 'pushed him to it', and I still believe that a bit, even today Sad even though I know that any sort of violence is unacceptable.

Can't watch DV scenes on Tv/movies without crying now so obviously still affected by it [busad]

ladyjadie · 03/04/2013 01:54

Feeling pensive now (late at night, worst time) so if you'll forgive me I'm just going to post a biscuit with bunny ears to cheer me up [bubiscuit]

baw70 · 03/04/2013 02:04

When he got up in the middle of the night, on our first anniversary of being together and told me he may as well go home if I wasn't going to have sex with him. I'd been ill and had already apologised for not feeling up to sex. Why the hell I didn't have enough self worth to tell him not to bother coming back, I'll never know. Set the tone for the next 10 years really.

thornrose · 03/04/2013 02:13

The day dd was in her Moses basket and he grabbed one handle while I had the other. I was trying to take her upstairs out of earshot of our impending row.
I threw a coffee table at him, I'm sorry if that appears to condone violence but do not mess with my baby.

thornrose · 03/04/2013 02:15

I'm sorry that post was not helpful, that's just my experience which I posted before thinking.

Original poster
Newmumsuchfun · 03/04/2013 06:16

i suppose i physically and mentally pushed him. i snapped at him v frustrated abt something. He reacted overly aggressively. i followed him downstairs & said forget it if ur going to react that way and tried to get past him to get something. He wouldnt physically let me past holding my arms down and restraining me. i hit his arms away a couple of times and kneed him a bit he said dont hit me. i sort of taunted him wth what are you going to do? At which point he dragged me to stairs and pinned me against them by holding me around throat and screaming. like he was strangling me. he said it was my fault because i hit him.

OP posts:
Tortoiseontheeggshell · 03/04/2013 06:19

You hit him? When? Do you mean when you 'hit his arms away' to stop him holding you down and restraining you?

Tortoiseontheeggshell · 03/04/2013 06:20

I have to say, irrespective of fault, when a scene like you describe happens, the relationship is over. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like your fault at all, but it also sounds like there's a history. And things have gone beyond.

Original poster
Newmumsuchfun · 03/04/2013 06:24

theres no history at all other than normal verbal disagreements. yes he meant me hitting his arms away and trying to get him away/off by kneeing him in privates (i only 'went to' do that as wouldnt really doit as wouldnt have hurt him) i just wanted to get behind him to something.
i am worried that whatever happens now it is over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmumsuchfun · 03/04/2013 06:25

and we have a new baby and i dont know what to do.

OP posts:
BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail · 03/04/2013 06:34

OP, I always told myself that if my ex ever hit me, that would be the moment I left. He was already a controlling bully but I kept telling myself it was ok because he wasn't physical.

When he kicked me, I told myself it didn't really count, because he hadn't actually hit me (logic much? Hmm ) and that should have been the 'first straw'.

It wasn't until about 8 years later that he threw our 11mo DD's breakfast across the kitchen that I made the final decision.

Compared to the first straw, the last straw was pretty minimal in terms of aggressive behaviour, but it was all down to what had happened in the preceeding 8 years, mainly emotionally.

What I'm trying to say is, the last straw doesn't have to be some huge dramatic event if you've been living with all sorts of other crap in the meantime. Your first straw sounds bad enough. If you really want a relationship with him, then something needs to happen now to nip it all in the bud (ie counselling). But if you truly believe that this is how it's likely to continue, then I would choose lone parenthood and personal safety (and safety of my child) over that kind of relationship.

Good luck Thanks

SnookyPooky · 03/04/2013 06:49

The first straw was him pushing me down a small flight if stairs outside a nightclub. The last was blaming me for being upset that the back window of my Mums car had been smashed in by some git while parked at the PILs house. ( I had borrowed the car while she was on holiday). He had no sympathy at all.

We had been living at PILs house, I walked upstairs,packed my stuff and left. Very liberating, no kids involved.

Like ladiejadie above, I can't watch DV on telly.

something2say · 03/04/2013 07:12

My last straw was when my ex was drunk on a Monday morning. I mean really????

Some of the DV stories on this thread are horrible by the way. Sending love to you all xxx and have a lovely peaceful day today x

AnyFucker · 03/04/2013 07:17

newmum I am sorry, but your relationship has now crossed over a line that is irrevocable

this is now an unhealthy situation for children to be brought up in

that disagreements, already escalating in a verbal manner, have reached the point of mutual physical restraint and violence

my advice to you is to ask your husband to leave (or you leave with baby) while you get some space to decide whether both of you think this is how an example of a loving relationship should be

Lueji · 03/04/2013 13:56

Newmumsuchfun,
you should report that incident to the police. Does your neck or back hurt?
Do you have any bruises?

He shouldn't have restrained you to start with, or block you from going where you wanted.

My ex also accused me of hurting him because I scratched him on his wrists to make him release me. Tough.
It's called defense, not aggression.

But, if you report this, you can get him out of the house. The police should take him for questioning, and you can start legal procedures to ensure he doesn't have access to you or your baby.

In any case, you can always get to a refuge. Contact WA if you have nowhere to go and for general advice.

It may seem an exaggeration what I'm saying, but you are vulnerable with a baby, and once they start, they will do it again.

Original poster
Newmumsuchfun · 03/04/2013 14:03

im too scared to call police as there will be NO going back from that. also he is very very clever charming and manipulative and think he cud turn it around to get me. He was the one who actually threatened to call police after incident. i have very large bad bruising on arm and graze.

OP posts:
Lueji · 03/04/2013 14:09

If you call the police they will at least record it, and with those bruises they will probably take you very seriously.

At the very least get seen by a GP, so it's on record.

This is because you'll have to consider the implications for your baby, and should you need to have him removed from the family home.
Otherwise, you may need to leave.

But also consider this: why is calling the police worse than what he did?

My ex was also very offended that I called the police on him (unfortunately only on the second time :(, actually third, but second within a month), never mind that he assaulted me.

Lueji · 03/04/2013 14:11

Also, I hope your baby was not around.
He or she may be next time... :(

AnyFucker · 03/04/2013 15:08

newmum please ring Women's Aid and speak to someone in confidence

you must not stay with a violent man in the house, and a baby

if Social Services find out from someone else, then there really will be no going back

please don't put your baby's safety and security second to an inadequate man like this

he will attack you again, there is no question...a line has been crossed and if you hide this...what is there to stop him ?