EA husband :-( Please help the frog jump out (v long)

[theboiledfrog]

Hello there,

I have been on mumsnet a few years and last posted about my H two years ago. The advice (mainly LTB) was really eye opening and helpful. I did ask H to leave and he did for a short period of time. We talked, he promisef to change yada ya, you can guess the rest. Two years later we are back to big old square one.

A bit of background. He is my only partner. Together twenty years 2 dc. He has always made me feel not good enough in anything
thete were huge red flags early on that i missed. Him being.my only partner i honestly struggle withwhat a.normal relationship is.

Examples (i wont bore you too much) the house is never tidy enough, tins wrong way round in cupboards, kids never quiet enough, tea never ready the minute he wants it, dislikes my family and friends, tells me not to breathe on him or move too much in bed, doesnt like me sleeping, if im having a nap he will shout TIRED ARE YOU and make me jump out of my skin. I am never relaxed going to bed.

There is more but i will focus on the positives now. I have two amazing dc who i am very proud of. I have a lovely family and supportive friends. I work part time and love what i do.. The grest advice i received here last time i have absorbed , i didnt take it but i am so much clearer now. I am going to try and regain my sense of humour on this thread. I know it is only a matter of time and courage before i sm able to tske the leap into the unknown, make a fresh start and be happy.

I have decided

1. I cant change him
2. He doesnt want to cjange
3. My children are more importsnt. Im missing out on their.lives. They stay upstsirs out of his way every day.
4. I am honestly a nice person and think i deserve better than to not receive any love or affection.
5. Having three tea towels out does not give him the right to shout at me.
6. Constsnt critism is affecting my physicsl and mental health
7. I am going to make a plan and GET OUT!

right, thanks if you got this far. I have been here before but this time i hope i can stay the distance. Any tips you lovely people have would be appreciated.

Apologies for the terrible spelling and random full stops im on my phone. He checks the computer and is a bin.rummager so i have to be careful what i leave where.

I will update regularly with progress and it WILL be progress of my journey to ........well i dont know where but its got to be better than this!

Nothing to add but "good luck and God speed" to you

It sounds like you know everything you need to know, from your list.

Can you write out how number 7 on your list is going to work, in more detail? maybe you need this thread to work out your get-out plan.

Thank you yes i am going to use this thread hopefully to fine tune how i am going to do this. I have checked entitledto and worked out how much i will have to live off etc. I have looked at places to rent locally.
I need to get my ducks in a row financially first. I just dont want to lose motivation like i have before many times. Im hoping this thread will help me with that aspect.

well done on finding out financial info already.

You sound very strong and smart. You can do it.

So what's the plan? Do you hve support in real life to help?

BTW you have no idea how refreshing your focusing on the positive points were. I was dreading a list of reasons to stay!

Ive had a long time HOT to think things through. Its hard not to dwell on the 'wasted' years. But hey ho life begins at 40 for me.
Ive read all the links above, ive tried to diagnose him, ive tried to understand him, im done. There will be nothing left of 'me' soon if i dont do something. The phrase 'if you do what youve always done, you'll get what you've always got' is my mantra at the moment.
I know i will wobble. I feel strong today but im up and down. Thanks for the support.

Hi wolf
Unfortunately the reasons for staying were the dc. But i dont think they are getting any benefit now. I have support in RL from my family. I am struggling with the thought of turning H life upside down. I still care for him i dont want to hurt him. From his pov its me whos changed not him. Hes always been like he is. Its just taken till now for me to realise its not right.

Turn his life upside down. You'll be doing him a favour - it might just shock him into realising what a dick he's been over the years but I doubt it

You don't want to hurt him? You care? Are you Mother Theresa? He has hurt you and your lovely DC for YEARS! Forget his pov, it's irrelevant!

I'm really glad you're planning to get out of that pan of boiling water - well done OP. But please, give yourself a deadline...how about the start of the summer holidays? Picture you and the kids in your new bright and cheery house, laughing, being daft and leaving as many teatowels out as you like.

Hi Tall,
I know, i know, i shouldnt care and i care less as time goes on, its just that is the hardest bit at the moment for me.
I was thinking summer time. Dreaming of a little cosy house with my dc, no tea towel police to suck the good mood out of the house. Its just such a headfuck. He is being nice today but he was awful yesterday :(.

Hi frog. Good for you, you'll have a great life with your Dc's, not being afraid all the time.

Just one small point. He's not being 'nice' today. He's being normal. Now why can't he be like that every day? You've already said why - he doesn't want to

Hi scrambled, you see, that thought would never have occurred to me until you said it. Its not nice its normal. I need to stop being grateful for him being nice/normal.
Thank you!

If he can be nice, he could be like that all the time

He just doesn't think you are worth it

But we do, and you do

Thanks AF i know he can be nice. Ive seen it when we are out. We meet people in the street we know and he is charm personified. Why me though, why the dc?

Upthread i said im done, but i still spend energy on these questions like i have done for years. I need to stop it.

Upthread i said im done, but i still spend energy on these questions like i have done for years. I need to stop it.

I was just thinking that.

You need to detach love, and stop trying to find an explanation. He does it because he can, because he wants to, because he gets something out of it

That's all you need to know. And if you truly are done, indifference is what you should be working towards.

Tins the wrong way round and too many tea towels?
There's your answer, right there. Run like the wind. No example for your children.

Good luck boiledfrog. It sounds like you and your DC have a much happier future in front of you.

Don't worry about your 'D'H. Honestly, he is not your problem.

Look after yourself and your DC. You deserve it :)

By the way, I meant your H is no example, not you. Good Luck

Hello Boiled,

First off, Big hugs, You sound like me many years ago, reading your post really struck a cord, and brought up many memories.

I have been through something similar, MY XH as mentally and physically abusive, and cheated with 13 women(I know of). After 9 years, I basically planned a way to get out. I planned this over months not weeks.

First thing I went out and got a PO Box, to reroute any mail and (new)bank statements I opened and didn't want my XH to know about. They are a bit expensive.. www.royalmail.com/general-correspondence/mailroom-management/po-box/ If you have family you can send these to that would help.

I opened new credit card accounts and had sent to this PO Box, and also a new bank account and had them also sent to this PO Box.
I then started to save every bit I could to this account.

I didn't want my dc to think how he treated me was normal and acceptable. And I was fed up of dealing with it too.

I wish you all the luck and hope you realise you deserve to wake up happy and not worry about how the H will react today.
Life is too short to spend it worrying about a man who is not concern about your happiness or well being.

Come and join us on the ea support thread. Sadly you will find lots of us at various stages of the escape. But you will get loads of support and practical advice too

Wow, what a controlling, abusive, horrible person he is. No one should have to live life tiptoeing around.

Good luck and stay strong

Thank you all for your advice and support:)

AF i go through phases of being indifferent and think im there but then have a wobble. Last time i tried to end it he said 'so you are going to break our little family up over something this stupid' and the doubt creeps in, and then i start thinking well yes it does sound stupid one of the reasons i divorced my husband was because of tea towels or tins or him telling me i havnt done a chore correctly.

Fluff - i need to think like you do. If i had a switch i would flick it. This thread will help me turn up my dimmer

Sunny thank you. I hope i can make real progress soon.

Bluekitty - great advice and useful ingormation thankyou. Things there i havnt thought of like a new bank account in place. I can use a family address. Well done on getting out. I agree i need to take my time over this and get things right and set up. It was a mess last time and easier to go back :(

Bounty - thanks for the invite. I will pop over tonight when im back on here.

I need perspective. I am trying to get it through to myself divorce isn't a tradegy. Losing a child or the death of someone you love is, divorce is sad but not the end of the world. I haven't failed. (repeats to self)

Thanks rabbit :) im sick of that tip toe eggshell walk every day. Its wearing.

From what I understand, many marriages have ended over something that, on paper, looked insignificant

It's the bigger picture though, isn't it ? Only you see that. Don't be swayed by what outsiders might think...they are not walking in your shoes.

Froggy, good luck. The man is a control freak, and you are doing the right thing.Get yourself sorted and go. Hugs to you

this link may help you