EA husband :-( Please help the frog jump out (v long)

[theboiledfrog]

Hello there,

I have been on mumsnet a few years and last posted about my H two years ago. The advice (mainly LTB) was really eye opening and helpful. I did ask H to leave and he did for a short period of time. We talked, he promisef to change yada ya, you can guess the rest. Two years later we are back to big old square one.

A bit of background. He is my only partner. Together twenty years 2 dc. He has always made me feel not good enough in anything
thete were huge red flags early on that i missed. Him being.my only partner i honestly struggle withwhat a.normal relationship is.

Examples (i wont bore you too much) the house is never tidy enough, tins wrong way round in cupboards, kids never quiet enough, tea never ready the minute he wants it, dislikes my family and friends, tells me not to breathe on him or move too much in bed, doesnt like me sleeping, if im having a nap he will shout TIRED ARE YOU and make me jump out of my skin. I am never relaxed going to bed.

There is more but i will focus on the positives now. I have two amazing dc who i am very proud of. I have a lovely family and supportive friends. I work part time and love what i do.. The grest advice i received here last time i have absorbed , i didnt take it but i am so much clearer now. I am going to try and regain my sense of humour on this thread. I know it is only a matter of time and courage before i sm able to tske the leap into the unknown, make a fresh start and be happy.

I have decided

1. I cant change him
2. He doesnt want to cjange
3. My children are more importsnt. Im missing out on their.lives. They stay upstsirs out of his way every day.
4. I am honestly a nice person and think i deserve better than to not receive any love or affection.
5. Having three tea towels out does not give him the right to shout at me.
6. Constsnt critism is affecting my physicsl and mental health
7. I am going to make a plan and GET OUT!

right, thanks if you got this far. I have been here before but this time i hope i can stay the distance. Any tips you lovely people have would be appreciated.

Apologies for the terrible spelling and random full stops im on my phone. He checks the computer and is a bin.rummager so i have to be careful what i leave where.

I will update regularly with progress and it WILL be progress of my journey to ........well i dont know where but its got to be better than this!

AF yes it is. Again i want to stop this overthinking and use the energy to help me to stop going round in circles and getyin nowhere. Thsnk you

Thanks greydog :)

AF looks really useful. Off to study it now thanks.

I don't take any credit for it. The poster Olgaga put it together, and it has helped a lot of people.

Perhaps you need to stop justifying to yourself why you should end this. You have decided now.

In your list of things you have decided, just focus on number 7. Let the rest go.

As you say, you need to use your energy to get the hell away and live your life.

Good luck

Hi Frog, I'm in the same position as you.

H is Emotionally Abusive, nasty with me in front of our 2 DC, very shouty, nothing is ever good enough etc etc

I am trying my best to emotionally detach from him. For the most part I'm successful but every so often I'm overwhelmed by hurt - I can't understand how he does what he does just on a human level

My main concern is the DC's & them growing up in a house where his behaviour is normalised.

I've searched online & have a rough idea of the immediate financial situation. I now need to see a solicitor re division of assets, visitation etc. I want to be in a position to tell him what is happening re him seeing the DC, rather than needing to ask him for help before/after school but him working shifts complicates things.

Ideally I want him to move out but I'm not sure how I can bring this about.

There is some great advice on these boards, and so far I've found the support invaluable [busmile]

Well froggie, you probably don't want to think like me as I have had a pasting or two on Mumsnet in the past and I tend to stay clear of the Relationships threads as I have no experience directly of what you describe. However, looking in from the outside, if the teatowels and tins behaviour is typical of this charmer I would get out of it before your children think this is normal behaviour for a grown up.
Does he behave like this in work I wonder? I doubt it, because somebody would either call him on it or try and sabotage him in some way.

Hi frog I desperately want to leave as well but the head fuck is too much for me. Some days I cry on the train on the way home bcse I don't want to go home. This week H is being lovely and it's making me waver.
Come to the EA thread, it's great to relax among friends who are all at different places on their journeys. and have a pint or two at The Vixen

Good lord, what a twat! So glad you're heading to the exit, Frog.

Could you call WA? I'm thinking you may be able to make him leave due to DV, which now officially includes coercive control. However I think the law relating to banning abusers from the home may also have changed, hence the recommendation to ring WA and find out your rights now.

I am so wishing you a following wind.

You need to leave this EA man for you and your children! I hope you find the strength to do so x

Does he behave like this in work I wonder? I doubt it, because somebody would either call him on it or try and sabotage him in some way.

This is an interesting question. I often see it said that "he wouldn't get away with it" but I worked for a monstrous narc bully, who'd been getting away with it for decades. It was a bullying institution. I eventually put a spanner in his works, but only after a change of senior management. I hear he's bullying at another company now. Hope his wife is now another of his exes!

Hi garlic. It was me wot asked that. Yes, there are many bullying institutions where this behaviour is overtly or covertly condoned. I have known some people who are ghastly at work but meek and mild at home (one ex-boss of mine was vile at work but like Bambi with his wife, I saw this with my own flabbergasted eyes), one or two who are the reverse, and some who are hideous at home and at work.
The bully, however, never like to be called on their behaviour and can respond by either stepping back OR by getting worse. It is also interesting to wonder what has happened to them in their lives to make the, think it's OK to behave they way they do. I'm sure some have an incurable screw loose, as it were, but some have learned the behaviour in their own childhood and that's why it's important that children don't get habituated to witnessing this. But you know that.

Good luck to you Froggy. On my 39th birthday I stood in the garden of my new home with my children asleep upstairs and laughed and hugged myself and almost screamed with the joy of the weight lifted. You will feel this way too.

theboiledfrog, can I just tell you that divorce is definitely NOT a tragedy, there is life after divorce, and a much happier life than you now have.

I was with my ex for 20 years, he was the only 'big' relationship I'd had in my life. He wasn't anywhere near as much of an abusive shit as your H, but I had to end it due to infidelity in the latter years.

I was utterly devastated at first to think of myself as a single mum, completely distraught. Honestly, I cannot get myself back into that mind set, I can't really feel why I was so worried. Yes it has been a very bumpy road, and I'm not 100% there yet (hence my name!), but I reckon I am 85% of the way to total indifference, which is my goal.

You will need to be very, very strong to do this, but you ARE strong, you are strong enough to have survived 20 years of his abuse. You are strong enough to make solid, sensible plans that will stand you and your DC in good stead. I admire you greatly. Counselling has really helped me work through things, it may help you to get through the inevitable wobbles.

Life definitely does begin at 40! All the best x

Tend to agree with you about the incurable loose screws, fluffi, as well as the repetitive effect on children.
Momb, what a lovely post!

Good for you momb .

Wow such inspiring responses thank you all.
Scarlet - the justifying i suppose is to help me come to terms with such a hard step. I give everything in my life so much thought, too much i suppose because i find it difficult to make decisions.

Havinganoffday - really sorry you are in this too. Its awful isnt it. Having DCs makes such a difference their happiness is so important. Well done for detaching, it has taken me two years to do that to get to where i am now. Does your H have any idea about your plans at all?

Fluffi - at work im not sure. Ive seen him with clients and hes a charmer. With colleagues hes not so nice.

Mrsm - so :( for you. I understand the feeling of not wanting to come home. The headfuckery stops us from having head space to think. I have started to put days off from work without telling anyone just so i can think and order my spaghetti mind. Its helped me. I will pop to the ea thread soon. Hang on in there mrsm.

Momb - i so so want that to be me. My stomach flipped when i read your post. I would love that so much. Thank you a lovely post and well done.

Garlic - i have rang wa before. They were great i will keep them in mind if it comes to wanting him to leave. I am nervous about going down the dv route because of the reaction it may provoke from him.

Semi - 20 years is such a long time though isnt it. Its half my life. I admire you for having the balls to get out. I know it will be better semi i just dont believe it 100%. Will the.bumpy road be worse than this now :(

Thanks again for the responses they are really helping me stay motivated.

No, he doesn't know of my plans. And I'm definitely not going to tell him.

I've tried discussing divorce with him, as he's clearly not happy with me, but he's just got nasty & won't talk about it so I've given up. I'll get all my ducks in a row then leave when I can't take any more.

Good luck with your plan xx