What's the best way to get XH to stop touching me?!

[HowToSayNo]

I'm normally assertive, and normally this isn't an issue, but a recurring theme with XH is his overstepping boundaries.

When we were together there were issues with sex and abuse. He raped me once (not violently, not that that matters, just ignored the fact that I was saying no), and sexually assaulted me another time. He would always carry on doing whatever it was for a while after being asked or told to stop (even when he did listen and even if the reason was because he was hurting me). Funnily enough it's not the reason I left him. That was due to all the EA that went with it.

Anyway, just wanted to give context (Name changed).

So there have been a few occasions over the past couple of years where he has decided to hug me or put his arm around me during pick ups or drop offs of the dcs. Since we split I have come to terms with what has happened and can see it now as sexual abuse and it disgusts me. I hate myself for not standing up for myself (I would freeze rather than fight), but hate him more, especially since he knew I had been attacked as a young teen and struggled for a long time with my sexual identity.

I now have an amazing new dp, and we're expecting our first dc, getting married, he's so loving and patient and everything XH isn't.

So on Saturday when dropping off the dcs, I'm stood inside the door with dp beside me, and XH asks me to come outside for a private word. He then tells me how thrilled he is about the new baby (?!) and hugs me. I don't hug back. I freeze, say thanks very stuntedly and that it's cold and I go back inside.

I want to tell him to never ever touch me again as long as he lives. Dp then has to deal with me feeling rubbish and weak and like I've let myself down. And I know dp would happily tell XH and stand between us, but I think it's my fight.

Anyone else would say "how lovely that he's so happy for you all" but I know it's all more manipulative lies. It's almost like he's behaving like he'll be an uncle-figure to my baby (if I could I would keep him away from his own dcs, whenever he has them I fear for their safety, he is utterly self absorbed and careless).

Since when it happens I go in to victim-mode and can't stand up for myself, and since I think it's right that dp should be kept out of it, I'm thinking of sending an email or something. But I don't want the fallout and he also has a nasty habit of doing the opposite of what I ask. But if I've stated my case then I think were it to happen again (which it probably will) dp could step in if needed.

Sorry this is long and rambling. Any ideas? I just feel so vulnerable and pathetic.

Sleepycat, I have considered going to the police in the past. But decided not to. I keep the letter though, in case I change my mind.

He wouldn't hurt the dcs on purpose. I'm sure of this. And they enjoy their time with him. Although ds1 is now old enough to see that XH is a bit of a tit, and almost seems to be the parent if you look at their roles. XH has stupidly decided to be ds1's "mate" since the split (cue lots of swearing, watching inappropriate films, beer etc) which is pathetic. I worry about him not watching the little ones, but I know that ds1 always will (very that he has such responsibility). I do worry about how he will behave when dd hits puberty. But that's a few years off. I don't think he'd hurt her, just inappropriate comments etc. and also having no concept that his own "mates" might not be safe around a teen girl.

He just has no awareness of danger. Even after accidents and near misses.

Not enough there to stop him seeing them, just enough to worry the hell out of me.

I don't know...I don't have firsthand experience of this, but anything that worries you would surely also worry a judge. That's why I think it would be worth getting advice.

First of all, stop letting him go anywhere private with you.

Secondly, keep your distance. If necessary by moving around.
His arm length should become your safe distance with him. Make sure you keep it. And avoid being between him and anywhere you can be cornered into.

I understand that having been married our private space is different, but you need to reinstate it in relation to him.
Practice with your dp.

OP. just in case, here's a technique I learnt in a women's self defence class.

Behind your earlobe, where the ear meets the neck, is a very vulnerable place. Using your forefinger, put it as close to the vulnerable place as you can and push firmly. It helps to say in a firm voice at the same time "Don't touch me". Think the voice that you use in a toddler bent on mischief

Practise this with your DP. I promise it takes very little force to send a large man sprawling. If you have nails, it's even more painful. I once used this on a faintly famous bloke who, it later transpired, had a long history of sleazy behaviour.

An email wouldn't be a bad idea, but you have to be honest with yourself as to what you are willing to enforce. Saying something like this would be perfect:

'I want to be clear that you and I are no longer family. We are no longer friends. The most I wish to be is civil. Please do not hug or touch me again. You are not welcome in my home. My husband is not your friend. You are only in my life because of our shared children, nothing more.'

Hello, I was just reading this thread and wanted to add my 2p's worth :)

I was in a similar situation with an ex several years ago, and now I'm finally over it really struggle to believe I let him rape and abuse me.

I finally had no option but to call the police as couldn't deal with my ex any longer, and this finally led me to break the cycle of abuse I was stuck in. I also felt very vulnerable as was a single mum with no family living close by.

I eventually confided in friends and my siblings and the reassurance of authority and friends/family that I was not to blame, was not in the wrong etc etc was the first step in allowing me to heal and move on, and stand up for myself.

If you can bear it, confide in your family - they need to view this man as your children's father, nothing more - YOU and your children need their support and love, not him.

At the very least, insist on your partner being there when you have any contact with your ex, and as to the dropping in unannounced, you need to tackle this - I would seriously suggest you ask your partner to speak to him and make him realise this needs to stop. The only thing you have in common with your ex is your children - he has lost all right to make any demand on your own life.

Don't be afraid of speaking up and standing up for yourself - it's not just for you but for your children, your unborn baby, your partner and your future lives together - don't let this animal keep holding your past over you.

hugs xx

Thanks slug, I will bear that in mind. I should get dp to show me a few moves (he's martial arts trained)

I normally keep the door between us, I hold onto it so I can close it if need be. I assumed that when he said he wanted to talk to me outside it was because he didn't want the dcs to hear something, and that it was important. But that would be the actions of a normal human being.

I've been thinking a lot this morning about telling family about the sexual abuse. My biggest fear is getting any sense of not being believed. I know they would believe me, but I've already had plenty of "it's so hard to believe it of him" about lesser stuff, that even something innocuous would be really upsetting. But I'm also tired of worrying that they think I'm overreacting to things.

I'm not even sure how I'd bring it up.

Xposted again! Bex, thank you so much for sharing. I do want my life back.

DIY, I really like that email, it's short and to the point.

He was supposed to be off working away, and I'd been holding off speaking up thinking he'd be gone. But that's changed and now it's worse than ever since there's less structure to his invasions.

Just a very small point HowToSayNo, make sure, if you don't do this already, whenever you answer the door you put the chain on. If he's 'just passing' you can just then just tell him to piss off or something similar and shut the door in his face.

I had a similar situation with my exh who would turn up at all hours, in the end I moved house. Not that I'm suggesting you should do that.

Keep safe and keep him at arms length and stop being so polite and worrying about offending him.

Thanks pigs. Don't have a chain, but I should get one. I don't let him in, it's only if anyone else answers.

And here's the stupid thing: For all his utter bastardry I'm still telling myself "oh he's not doing it on purpose" and making all the excuses for him that I ever did.

Argh!

I would do the email - you have full control that way and no chance of getting your lines wrong if you are nervous or uncomfortable.
I would also be very tempted to insinuate - very subtly in the email - that if he ignores your requests, keeps turning up unannounced etc that you will go straight to the police to express your concerns "given his history of sexual violence."

If you do want to get some proper defense moves, find a good Krav Maga instructor. :)
Most martial arts are very polite and full of rules.

Meanwhile, an arm across his neck or the palm of your hand against his nose and lifting it, can be good deterrents.
Or grabbing his crotch, twist and lift.

The other thing you could do is engage a solicitor to spell it out to him, that way you are not imvolved at all and the law and the boundaries are very clear.

He is doing it on purpose.

If he ever asks you for a private word again, just say "Put it in an email" and close the door.

I think I'm going to go with the email.

Today I spoke to my DM. I think it went well. She said she was really glad I'd told her. She added that she couldn't not be civil when the dcs are around, but would certainly not be seeking to maintain any contact and would not be being anything other than polite.

There was a suggestion of "if you just explain to him" but I cut that dead with "he won't hear it" and she knows that's true.

Now I just need to compose an email and get ready to enforce what I want should I need to.

Sound good?

Tell him if he touches you again the letter he sent you might find its way to the police.

Pleased to hear you spoken to your DM and have her support.

You sound strong and determined now. Good for you. Keep hold of that and if he tries to engage you further just repeat and repeat what you've said in your email and how you are going to have him behave towards you in the future.

Good luck.

I think you need to say it to him. It will be so empowering.

Writing it wouldn't be anything like as powerful as saying those words.

I agree that you should have your DP with him whenever you have to deal with your ex. It will give you courage and be a back up for you.

Next time he approaches you, put your hand up in the air as though you're stopping traffic. Then say in a clear voice, "Stop there. Don't come near me." He will question it, try to laugh it off, say you're in a bad mood. Then say, "I don't want you to touch me. Do you hear me? Never, ever touch me."

If the children aren't there or aren't within earshot, say, "You raped me. Don't ever touch me."

He won't think that your DP knows. He thinks it's a secret between you and him. That has to stop. You're right that he thinks you're colluding with him when you speak out of your DP's hearing.

Saying it out loud and in front of someone else is the only way that he is absolutely forced to pay attention to you.

And if he tries to bluff his way out of it, say "If you feel like that, we'll see what the Police say, shall we? Do you really think I haven't still got that letter?"

He is a disgusting man. No wonder your skin crawls and you freeze up. He's awful.

Glad you spoke to your DM and she got the picture.

Hope you find the words to spell out clearly what you want.

Thank you, all of you.

I've just shown dp this thread and he's said he is more than happy to do whatever I need. He's also said that if XH at any point asks for a quiet word or steps out of line then HE will be asking XH outside for a quiet word, and he will be put very firmly in his place.

Imperial I love that. Dp immediately said that if that is what I want to do he would happily stand beside me. I'm not sure I'm brave enough yet. But it's certainly given me something to strive for.

I really feel for once as though everyone understands and is on my side. It's a really warm feeling.

And now I've messages XH.

He'd underpaid maintenance, I asked where the rest was and he called me a greedy bitch and said he couldn't give a fuck.

It gave me that push I needed. I stayed calm but stated my case including about dp and family knowing.

No reply. I expect I'll get a flat out denial shortly. A "rape? You're fucking mental!" Type of thing.

Feel very shaky but also like a weight has been lifted. Dp's given me the biggest hug.

Wise words? Anyone?

no wise words - but you are doing it all right - have another hug

Thanks arthritic :)

I really hope so.

Oh and DM didn't for one moment question the truth of it. She just hugged me and said she wished I'd left him years ago.

Just come across this and it's so similar to my ex. He made me freeze with fear . He always hugged me way too tight when dropping/picking up DD. I hated it but didn't want to "upset" him by saying anything . Then one day he went to hug me and I stepped back and said "no". He asked why and I said " because you make my skin crawl" . It just came out of my mouth, no planning, I surprised myself and felt suddenly so powerful. The look on his face still makes me chuckle.

Stay strong. Congrats on finding a lovely man and good luck with your new baby .