trapped in an ea relationship..no way out..

[olivia42]

this is my first post.ive been reading other posts and getting strength from them.i dont have anyone to talk to ill try not to be too long winded
im on my 2nd marriage dh,10years together 3 years married.i have 3 children 1 last one his.he is on his 2nd marriage too has ds from 1st marriage.he was a
always difficult,realised after a few years of being completely in the dark about this type of behaviour that i was being completely controlled by him.
if i went out on my own silence for days if i disagreed with him in any way told i was not normal and mentallly unwell.got pregnant 4 years ago had child.dh told me he didnt want it(we wernt married at the time and not living together) if i didnt have an abortion he would leave me whch he did for a short time. i refused and he eventually came back.(he offered to pay half for the abortion by the way once i didnt go in on a wednesday which is his access day for his ds from 1st marriage)..
he did up his own house and we moved in there away fom my house and family. the abuse escalated,days of silent treatment telling me i was no use to him i was weak and a moron.the first day out of hospital after coming home from hospital after ceasaian section to give birth to our ds,he left me with 4 kids (including his my step son)and told me to get on with it.he moved into the spare room and stayed there,i left after 3months with my 3 kids.he persuaded me to come back which i did for another year of torture when vieventually i got a barring order against him(the day before our marriage he beat me round the house in front of the kids).
but im back again the twat i am.he just worked on me day and night telling me our future was with him and id ruined thekids future by leaving.of course now im back its worse.im 'mental',a nut job, a weirdo, an unfit mother , and a cun.constantly,i found a will that he has made a month ago leaving all to his 2 kids and leaving me £100!
i used to run a home an au pair have a good job well educated lots of freinds and family support before i met him.i have none of this now.family and freinds hate him so no support there.i also manged my finances ok.i now have £14 in my purse to last 10 days.he has £140 k in his bank account alone according to a bank staement i found..sorry i could go on forever..v long winded...theres so much..im simply trapped here and wondering how do i put in the next 10 years till the kids have left and i can go...

[minkembra]

Norem jump on the train. good image.
also I always love to hear of those who have escaped abusive relationships and found someone who is the polar opposite. I keep my fingers crossed. I am glad for your sister.

[TranceDaemon]

Olivia you are sounding clearer each time you post, keep talking, keep reaching out. All the guilt and anxiety you feel - its all him. You are so much stronger than you think, he hates that you are better than him, so he tries to grind you down.

There IS a way out, there's always a way out. Pick up the phone today, now if you can and ring Women's Aid. Make a decision in your head to start to find the way out. Imagine your life without this shit. Imagine feeling safe in your own home. Imagine the freedom, the peace, the calm.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Take baby steps, one thing at a time. Make plans, believe in yourself. Assume everything he says is a lie. Because it is! He is an abuser. A normal man would never treat you like that.

We believe in you and there is support out there. Take back the control a piece at a time and start by listening to your truth, your mind.

I will be sending you all my strength as we all will. You have us behind you and you will get out, you CAN get out.

[Pleasehelpdontknowwhattodo]

olivia it's fantastic that you realise that what he's doing is abuse. Please carry on posting when you can and please call Womens Aid - they are so helpful. I didn't realise EA was something the police could help with until I spoke to Women's Aid yesterday. You can speak or even meet with someone local who can just listen it give legal and other advice.

What you are going through is emotional, financial and physical abuse.

Please call them - can you use a college day as cover to speak to women's aid and get some stuff sorted?

It's a big step posting here - please carry on but make sure your stuff is password protected and you H doesn't see this thread.

You should be so proud of yourself.

[cjel]

I am feeling excited for you that you have taken the brave step of finally talking about this .I hope you realise that you have all new friends here who will hold your hand. I would urge you to be brave again and take the next step of telling someone in real life. Womens aid, someone at work, a doctor or your family. they haven't turned their backs on you just him. They are probably longing to help you. Keep taking small steps to your new life. I slept 8hrs for the first time in years the first night I left mine and finished college.xxx

[FarBetterNow]

i cant talk to anyone because it would be admitting they were right and i did make a mistake going back

Olivia, it really doesn't matter if you have to admit you were wrong to go back to him.

You will get the strength and support from these good women to leave again and to never go back.

Best wishes to you.

[cjel]

admitting a mistake has got to be worth ending your fear?

[SanctiMOMious]

olivia42 when you say "i can't talk to anyone because it would be admitting that they were right and i did make a mistake going back" I totally understand this. I did dread telling people, but they were all to a WOMAN nothing but supportive. There was absolutely no "I told you so". Not even a drop of it. I felt this palpable wave of relief coming towards me from the friends I'd dreaded telling. And as for neighbours and his acquaintances, ha, they matter so little to me now I can't believe I ever gave a fekk what they might think. Hard to believe I agonised over leaving (amongst many other reasons) partly because of what his family and acquaintances woudl be told.

Even if you made a mistake, don't make it again every day. I had people saying to me "oh i wish my cousin/sister/niece/best friend would leave so and so'.

[Pleasehelpdontknowwhattodo]

And keep coming back here to talk olivia whatever you do right now - but in your head just make a plan - start putting aside a little bit of money - a pound, a fiver just anything - hide it away.

Start calling friends and family. You don't have to say anything immediately but just start building contacts up again. Good luck and we are all here for you.

[olivia42]

thanks for all your messages.its definatly giving me strength.ive just come in form work and hes taken my car to go out for a few hours. even though he has several work vehices and a car of his own to drive.i told him i wanted to go out to the shops i dont but i hate being left without a car we are in the country and he asked what did i want in the shops and why did i need to go out.i said i just wanted to take the kids to the playground,he said they were out today already and left so im carlesss and stuck in the house now for the evening.his car sitting there and locked he has the keys...

[olivia42]

sorry i mean car-less

[TheSilveryPussycat]

And if you have an emergency with DCs and need to drive?

Selfish FW (fuckwit - see EA thread)

[olivia42]

ssoory but i just have to write this down.he told me at the weekend he had people watching me.i was outside and i saw the neightbour a horribe old fucker coming out of his house and staring over at me am i just completely paranoid at this stage..

[izzyizin]

The only person who's sounding paranoid here is him but he's out - you've got time and space to call your own so why aren't you calling Women's Aid //www.womensaid.org.uk and beginning the process of extricating yourself from this madness once again?

I'm a great believer in the power of three, the trinity. Why not resolve that it's going to be third time lucky for you and there'll be no going back?

[olivia42]

thanks iszzyin just having someone out there whos listening is great. i left before twice and i cant see how its an option again.i know i sound so pathetic and the me i used to be would read this and think what an idiot this woman is! he now has complete control over finances and he knows i have no money now and i think hes pretty confident whatever he does i wont go.the crazy thing is once im doing things 'right' and responding te right way hes all sweetnes and light.of course after his rant and rave and throwing me round the house at the weekend the anger is gone out of him yet hes still a bit cross because he cant understand why im not rolling over now because hes decided to forgive me and the fight is over why im not more loving or warm and of course why i wont sleep with him.he wont make a move hell expect me to.i simply cant.i cant even look at him.im putting all my energies into trying to appear normal except i fcked up this evening by questioning him taking my car.if i dont roll over soon hell get mad again and tel me im depessed and he cant communicate with me.this is crazy all of it

[olivia42]

can i just say in case you all think i am 'difficult' and 'mad' i rang my ex huband finally who lives in a different country to ask him am i all the things he says i was.we separated very amicably.he was appalled and said he coudnt believe what was coming out of my mouth..that i was never that person..

[SanctiMOMious]

Never for a moment thought it was YOU.

[cjel]

So glad you've had confirmation from someone that you trust (EXH) that you are not what H is telling you. Hope the more you hear us say that not the real you the more you will get the strength to leave. it really is you only option Olivia. You could leave 100 times and it would still be ok to leave 101 times. Never think you can't . there are so many of us here who have done it and long for you to do the same and taste real life. Just because yo think he controls finances he really doesn't. Womans aid and our laws in this country will support you. JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS IT DOESN'T MEAN ITS TRUE!!! Believe in yourself and trust us if you don't trust yourself yet.xxx

[izzyizin]

O come on, honey. Don't make me get cross with you

You've done it twice and you can damn well do it again. WA regularly welcome recidivists back into the fold and, although the arrogant abusive twunt may control the finances at the moment, a half decent lawyer can easily prise his sticky mitts off whatever share of jointly held assets is rightfully yours.

FGS think of your dc and put an end to this torment NOW.

[cjel]

ooh izzy! Was thinking that but don't want to scare OP off!! well done.
Be really strong and just make a call and see what they say, you don't have to do what they say?

[cjel]

ooh izzy! Was thinking that but don't want to scare OP off!! well done.
Be really strong and just make a call and see what they say, you don't have to do what they say?

[Pleasehelpdontknowwhattodo]

Please call women's aid Olivia - it's good he's out if the house - use this thread to write everything you can think of so you can show it to a solicitor.

Use the support you have - no one judges you and no one thinks its you at all. Sending you love and strength right now.

[MadBraLady]

i left before twice and i cant see how its an option again.

On the contrary, it is your only option. You're going through a cycle - read back and see how yesterday you were getting clearer in your mind with each post, and today you're back to being fearful of behaving wrongly, prompting some terrible reaction from him? You're still a lot more aware, mind, because you're questioning things he says, but you need to get away from this dangerous arsehole.

This is your life until you pick up the phone and ask for help. This is your way OUT of the anxiety and social embarrassment that is stopping you making the call.

[SanctiMOMious]

Olivia, the time I left I was hoping to change him, hoping to make him SEE, hoping ....god knows what. But by the time I left for good, I knew it was hopeless, I'd no optimism left, so the second time I left physically, it was in reality the first REAL 'leaving'. you have to be ready. Now you're ready.

[olivia42]

im not sure if i am ready this has been going on so long im not sure ill ever be.the upheaval is massive for the kids and i have absolutley no money whatsoever.i do know though at this stage im past trying to chane him and make him see my pov because i know he just wont and cant,he so firmly believed hes in the right and its my problem.i have started trying to put a couple of pound away.its only pittance but at least its a start.hes very cool with me lascouple of days because hes has his rant and he thinks the argueing is over becuase he says so and is contrary because im not rowing in and basically sleeping with him again.in the past i would of given in i just cant do it anymore.its hard to feel attractive when your told your a fat c**t and he doesnt care about me anymore..im just supposed to forget about that immediatly and move on.its difficult to keep doing that

[mistlethrush]

Have you still got the bruises? If so, go to the police.

You can leave again - you've done it twice before - the only thing is that this time you'll just have to stay away and have a nice life with your lovely children.