How do i cope after husband of 23 years leaves for another woman

[lonelyheart]

My husband of 23 years left my son and i 6 months ago. He had been having an affair with a work colleague and i knew her too. Why is it starting to hurt even more after 6 months. I am so depressed. If i did not have my son, i know i would not be here now. I just want my old life back. How long will it be before i can cope and feel happy again.

LonelyHeart

Just want to say you aren't alone. It's been 18 months since my H of 20 years left. I have children that mean the world to me too but I had to let you know that it does get better. Write down how you feel, see a counsellor if you can, plan small treats and start to re-discover who you are and what makes you happy.

I can honestly say now that I wouldn't want H back as I've seen who he really is and apart from him being difficult, my life is so much better. I only communicate with H by text and email so not seeing him also helps.

Take care, be good to yourself and lean on friends/family if you can.

LH, I guess it's like a bereavement and you have been through a stage of denial, now you hurt. That's good - it means you are moving on! Could you try this strategy: every time you find yourself thinking of him, say to yourself, "He's not worth it"? Then redirect your thoughts to something that makes you feel happy, rather than sad. Even just a tune you used to like before you met him will do. (((big hugs))) post on here whenever you feel down. There will be many more along with great advice.

Thank you. My ex will not answer my txts or phone calls. He does not park outside my home, when he picks my son up. He has wiped me out of his life. He has been so cruel.

The 6 month dip....does it help to know that it is "usual" and "normal"?...I don't know why, maybe because you've done all the immediate coping and sorting and practical stuff, other people back off a bit and suddenly you get hit like a great big sand bag with all this emotion......

You will get through it, the bad days will gradually get further apart, the good days get better than just existing...it's a process, up and down..but you will get there and you will feel ok one day, it takes time...which i am sure is the last thing you want to hear.

Treat it as a grieving process...now you are letting go of the realities and the dreams or your previous life, grieving what was, what never was and what might have been.....you will get new dreams, new realities and new plans and life will be good again.

So sorry you are going through all this.
Treat yourself kindly, punch lots of cushions with H's face in mind
take any and all help and kindnesses that are offered.

love xxfool

All the more reason to believe it when you tell yourself he's not worth it! You are worth better, you still have your DS. Great advice from Change to plan small treats for yourself. Can you look up some old friends?

Yes, that's what seems to happen and it's hard to come to terms with. I do still find it difficult that H (who appears to have had numerous flings) put himself first and acted so horribly. Clearly while we were together I never knew him and our relationship was an illusion.

Probably your H doesn't want feeling of guilt so he avoids you. But you have to focus on you and your life now. I had to resort to the elastic band on the wrist to stop myself thinking about H and OW.

Ouch! change...hope for a short time?

The elastic band is a good idea. I will try it. When my H first left me. He said there was no one else. He just did not love me any more. I was in total shock . I thought we had a really good marriage. For weeks i begged him to come back. Then he admitted there was another woman, and that was the reason he left. He asked to come back to me, which i said yes. Then he changed his mind. 10 weeks after leaving me he moved in with her. I still begged him to come back. He was ruthless to me. For the last 3 months i have not bothered him at all. I had to speak to him twice about our son. Because he would not answer my txt's, i had to ring his boss to ask H to contact me. I felt after that episode i was getting stronger, but this weekend i feel i am back to square one. I hate my life. I loved having a strong family unit. Now it is all gone. I work full time. My boss and work friends and my family have been amazing, even my H sister. But inside i am drowning. I adore my son. He is my world but i do not know how long i can live like this.

You won't live like this...you will grow and live through this...and you will move on, I know it does not feel like you will.

((((((((((hug)))))))))

I know the feeling. Can you get counselling? If you can't afford it, tell your gp and you can go on the counselling waiting list. While you are waiting for the support of a counsellor, there is always the Samaritans. They are great at listening which helps so much.

Thank you. I hope this does not sound daft, but because i am 53 years old i feel it is worse. I feel my best years have gone.

Replying to Mowzer i dont think counselling helps. When i had post natal depression i saw a counseller but it made me feel worse. Going over why i was depressed.

the wrong counsellor?? The right one should help you to feel empowered and able to cope

Yes foolonthehill it was for a short time!! But I got so annoyed with myself because I didn't want to keep obsessing about them.

Lonely heart, I saw a counsellor for almost a year and it was so worthwhile but she had been recommended by a friend.

I felt like you that as I'm mid 40's my best years were gone as I'd been with H since my 20's. But I don't feel like that now, there are so many things I want to do. And I feel proud of myself now, whereas I felt nothing I did was good enough for H.

Do keep posting - tell us things you have always wanted to do, what interests you etc.

Im 6 months in and had a BIG dip today. I think it was Easter and frineds and family all having a lovely 'family' time where my 2 teenage dc's were at each others throats most of the day. I actually went back to bed at one point :( I agree with what most people have said, Ive done the practical stuff and faced the world but just like a breavement everyone has got their own lives to lead. I agree LH I loved the family unit and always planned days out etc and spent all morning imagining him having a family day with OW and her dc so I got up put some lippy on and washed the car!

What about meeting a few counsellors to find one who might help? You can tell the counsellor that you just want support to help you cope, anything you can't face yet you don't have to discuss. Your situation is so tough to face, try to get all the support you can xx

You are only 53. It's your worst years that have gone, the ones you wasted on him. Your best years are yet to come. Seriously.

The reason your H avoids you is either guilt or the OW forbids him to. So, don't for one second think he's having an easy ride. You are in the better position by far.

OP I totally agree that some forms of counselling are unhelpful. Personally I found talking about what made me feel terrible was really boring and made me feel MUCH worse. However, I did some CBT which was FANTASTIC for me. Not the awful dwelling on the Poor me's but really positive, proactive and results focused. It may be what would help you to move on into a different more positive frame of mind.

Mind you it is really early days to come to terms with a terrible shocking life changing event, be kind to yourself. You will come through, there is life after betrayal and divorce, but it's a hard road.

Do you have good friends and wider family you can talk to?

You are not alone. I was where you are four years ago. It WILL get easier. I now have a job, (I was unemployed, having given up my job to help my H build a coimpany), we are still in our home, my children are doing well, I have a reasonable relationship with my ex and I have found a wonderful new partner.

The hardest thing for me was breaking free of being a 'wife', especially one who had been abandoned. I too found a counsellor and that really helped. But this book also made me re think my attitude towards my ex: Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends by Sandra Kahn.

Its a tough situation to be in, but you can get through it.

I also felt really ill at the time and put it all down to stress - but I didnt find out until later that I was also having an early menopause! A good dose of HRT has made me feel like a new person

Big hugs to you, OP. It will get better, so many of us have been there, it really does. Look after yourself.

the road less travelled is a kind of 'starting again but better' manual....

your son loves you. you are his world. xxx

I am 2 years post separation. For me, it was almost easy at the beginning because I was pumped with adrenaline, but after a while (probably about 6 months) all that adrenaline runs out and you are just left in a collapsed heap.

I am so much better these days, I have done life coaching and also counselling which have really helped. Also done the self help book thing, I can recommend 'You can heal your life', by Louise Hay (Hey?).

It really does get easier with time, but it is a long process, and this grief is totally normal.

You are only 53, your life can be full of adventure for many years.

I am genuinely happy being single at the moment, I get lots of affection from my cat! I have some great friendships, and I am full of hope for the future. Your life can be this way too I promise, you just need help with detaching properly from your ex. Counselling really can help with this, try and be open minded about it. Plus you will get on with some counsellers better than others, so don't worry about asking for a change if one doesn't suit you.

I see my 20 year relationship very clearly now, and while that's not necessarily an easy thing, it's much easier to see things objectively rather than with rose tinted glasses. When you've been in one relationship for a very long time, it is difficult to see it properly.

Good luck, you CAN build a great life for yourself you know .

Hi i feel for you. My relationship of 7 years (with another woman) has just ended. I have two chldren nearly two and 3 and a half. My ex started acting strange so i read text and the messages were there. I confronted her and she said it wasnt a affair they jut kissed and sent flirtatious texts. She said she didnt love me anymore and didint want to be in a relationship with me, that she wasnt going to get together with this other person. I moved out the end of January. My daughter came home tonight asking if she has a new mummuy because this person had slept in mummies bed. I feel once again cheated and lied to. Why not just tell the truth, that she had found someone else. I am finding it hard as i do not have a huge circle of friends and i am sure the ones i do are fed up with me going on.

lots of unmumsnetty hugs from me too.

8 years ago I was where you are now - with my 20 year marriage breaking down in almost identical circumstances.

You will get through this and your life will be better. Really.

It will take a long time and sometimes, usually holiday times, the unbelievable pain comes back. Then it goes again and you pick yourself up and each time it is easier and each time you feel better. And then you start to live again. And then your life is better than it was before. Different, but much much better.

Please go and speak to your GP. Your son loves you and needs you and is probably going through the same pain.

We will all be here for you - just take a day at a time.