How do i cope after husband of 23 years leaves for another woman

[lonelyheart]

My husband of 23 years left my son and i 6 months ago. He had been having an affair with a work colleague and i knew her too. Why is it starting to hurt even more after 6 months. I am so depressed. If i did not have my son, i know i would not be here now. I just want my old life back. How long will it be before i can cope and feel happy again.

I totally understand how you feel I'm not a good role model as currently struggling twelve months later but it's around the anniversary of when he left so its been a difficult weekend.

I begged my XH to come back too. It's the shock of them walking out so suddenly, there is no time to adjust or make sense of anything.

It's not easy, it is grieving for the loss of your H, your love, the life you thought you were going to have. The thought of starting again is very scary. It is something that you just have to go through and you are the only one who can help yourself. It does get better but there will be highs and lows to go through.

People tell me to get out, find a hobby, go swimming, exercise, join a club or group, but obviously it depends what is available in your area.

Unfortunately it is only time that can help heal things. Counselling can help too . Try it again if you can.

Google "the leaver and the left" . It explains very well how you are feeling and why.

Thank you every one for your very kind advice. I saw a counseller today. She was lovely and professional, but i did not learn anything new. She would like to see me for 6 sessions.

Hi lonelyheart. Another ex-wife in her fifties here. I found out two years ago that my STBXH was cheating on me. We split up finally 8 months ago. I have good times and sad times, but gradually the good times get longer and the bad times get shorter and less profound. I find myself thinking now, when I feel down, OK it's crap now but it will be better soon, whereas in the early days I could not imagine it ever getting better.

Distance does give a sense of proportion. At the time we split I thought my STBXH and I had been so in love and such good friends. i could not believe that our relationship would not be lifelong. It is only now, with time and distance that I am beginning to realise that I loved and he did not (or at least only himself). Looking back I realise now he was emotionally distant and really quite emotionally cruel. I was always deficient in some way in his eyes.

I would not have him back now. With time and distance between us I can see he was not actually that special. I feel sad sometimes but it is really sadness for the loss of what I thought I had rather than the loss of what I actually had. Over time I care about that less and i expect that some day it will not hurt at all.

Sorry, that is a long-winded way of saying, I feel your pain, huge hugs of support and hang on in there. It will get better. I am a great collector of inspirational quotes and here are two I have found really helpful:

"When you leave your marriage you do not have to be the same person you have always been. In fact, you can be anyone you want to be". That one was a revelation for me! I was always the anxious, conscientious one. I have deliberately chosen to let all that go in my new life.

"One day this marriage will just be something you did once. You will move on and you will have the life you create". Like this one! I am determined that the life I create will be a good one and will be the right life for me and lived according to my morality not his.

If you look at things that way, you have just been handed a fabulous opportunity to remake your life in the way which is just right for you. How many people stuck in the compromises of a "relationship" can say that?

A bit of loneliness is not a bad price to pay.

Hello OP. I was 51 two years ago, Married 30 yrs together 35. SAHM . You will get past this. So pleased you saw counsellor. I was having counselling when I left - long story but I was discovering he was EA, I was changing and he found clone of me!! he'd met her twice when I found out and although I was devastated I had got to the point where I just left. I saw my counsellor for about 2 adn a half years altogetheer and it was brilliant to go through all the trauma as it happened. I feel that I progressed so much because of it. Friends can't believe how well I look and I feel great. obviously very sad some days - passed his car at hers the other day and was in tears by the time I got home- but can honestly say I haven't felt this good for years, I'd also say that I realised when I was missing him I was actually m issing a myth, what I missed wasn't what I had. I wouldn't think about him cutting you out. Make every effort to cut himout of yours,start thinking about what you want out of your life. Hard yes but well worth it.

Hi every one. I am now seeing a counseller. She is a lovely woman, and talks a lot of sense, but i don't know if it is helping. Nearly 9 month's on and it is not getting any easier. I think about it every second. Going over every thing. I honestly feel i am going mad.

Hi lonely heart, you can do it, you can get through this, you have got through the first nine months and although you may feel like you are getting nowhere - you are. Remember it is darkest just before dawn (is that a song lyric?). Hugs. Keep posting, there are people here who have been where you are and have come out the other side.

My ex left 6 weeks ago, after 27 years of marriage, I was so grief stricken that I tried to kill myself.
But he is so not worth that and neither will your ex be sweetheart, men who lie and cheat are not worthy of your loyalty and love.
My whole life has been ripped apart but I am determined now to not let him see what he has done to me. Every day I am getting up, doing my hair, make up etc. I am going through the motions, and want no contact, everything to be done through lawyers now, but, on the off chance of him seeing me I do not want to look like he has destroyed me.
Am concentrating on my daughters now, fake it till you make it babes. Under no circumstances let them see what they have done to you.
It is so so hard, but by god, we are going to get there. xxx

". Going over every thing. I honestly feel i am going mad"

There does come a point where 'going over everything' doesn't help. In fact, the danger is that it keep the misery top of mind and you firmly stuck in the past.

I don't think nine months is particularly long set against the shock ending to a relationship of over 20 years. Having taken a couple of years myself to be able to think or speak about my ex without feeling close to tears I'd suggest you're not behaving abnormally.

You said originally that you wanted your old life back which is looking backwards. In order to drag yourself away from what's gone before, what do you have coming up or what could you plan ahead that you could look forward to? Even though it hurts, it's incredibly important to keep facing towards the future, making plans, keeping busy and forging - however slowly - that new, better life. Good luck

Today, i did'nt have change to give my son lunch money for college. i told him to ask his dad for it, which he gladly gave my son and said "any time you need money just ask". that was bloody big of him was'nt it. what a bastard. he really does not have any idea of the impact of what his actions have had on us. how can he be so blase about every thing. i wish he would move miles away. it would be so much easier if he was out of our lives all together. but yes i know a dad should be in their childs life. however i dont think he deserves a place in my sons life. my counseller said he walked out on you "and" your son, not just me.