What do I do with this new info? Gutted and angry.

[whatafuckingmess]

I have nchanged as my other profile has so much info on it would out with me with this as well. I have other threads in the past, so you may recognise some details but please don't out me.

My parents fostered all my life and I was sexually abused by a foster brother for several years. I asked my mum for him to leave when I was 15 (she knew what was happening but not the full extent) but was told by her that she had never had a fostering placement fail and was not about to start now. I took myself off to boarding school, and we have had a difficult relationship ever since as I struggle to come to terms with what happened and how she acted, even now as an adult.

When I became pregnant I was on my own throughout, and she was a tower of strength and support. Our relationship has always been like this - episodes of closeness then something will happen, and we both find it hard to even be near each other. I moved back into her home when my ds was 3 weeks old, and I am still here - although I have a move date to my new home at the end of april

Tonight she gave me her old phone as mine is broken, and I synced it with my sim and computer. It has somehow combined our calenders - and moved her calender entries into mine (I honestly have no idea what the hell I have done to manage this)

The first entry was "Whatafuckingmess is on my mind as usual, her poor ds will suffer the brunt of her his whole life"

I have then I fully admit looked at other entries on the calender (it's not a diary, its more like at 1pm such and such happened thing).

It would seem that the only comments she makes are about me, and are all negative and horribly hurtful about how badly I care for my ds, she has said she thinks I am mentally deranged, my son is suffering by being with me, that I am "my usual mean, deluded self" and that I think I am in control but am not and god help us all. There is more of the same, but you get the gist.

My little boy is my life, I am gutted. She is downstairs now with visiting family and I am hiding in my room like a bloody 12 year old. Where do I go from here? What the hell do I do?

[jodie75]

I agree with MaryRobinson, the only way you will be able to cope with having her in your life is to withdraw emotionally from the relationship completely. It's hard to do, but I think in this situation, bar cutting her off, you need to do it for your own sanity as well as for your child's sake

[whatafuckingmess]

I think a few things people have said have really stuck with me and keep going through my head. Today has been shitty, really shitty, for so many reasons that I am loathe to say out loud because it just feels like more and more crap to add to the already overwhelming amount of crap there already is.

*Maryrobinson" you are right, if this was a friend or someone I was in a relationship with then I would have long cut contact. She is my mum though, and I want her to love me and like me, and it doesn't feel like that a lot of the time.

I know by the way bobby that I was out of order. It sounds lame, but once I realised what it was I wanted to see what she had written about me.

I'm feeling really fed up tonight, I'm so scared financially of what I am trying to do, I'm terrified I am not enough for my son and that I don't have the energy or the courage that this takes. I'm so bloody fed up of being the person that I am, and living the situation that I am. Arse. I'm sorry for being a whinge, I'm being pathetic and I need to give myself a kick up the arse. Tomorrow is another day and all that :S

[cjel]

Why don't you give lovely you a big hug instead of a kick up the arse!! try and turn your apprehension about not being capable as excitement to learning how fantastic you can be for your ds. Sorry today wasn't good but not long till your new life now.

[whatafuckingmess]

I have tried to have a day taking action, I've bought packing boxes to fill, I think I'm just tired - ds is teething and I've pissed my mum off and it hurts because I can just see the cycle of behaviour so much clearer now. I think I need wine and an early night! Thank you for replying, it was a very self indulgent rant and really it didn't warrant a reply!

[CheckpointCharlie]

Here you are xxxxxxx

[whatafuckingmess]

Thank you

[cjel]

Wasn't self indulgent and now at least you have more positive attitude to yourself . if you read your OP you were really upset and now you are getting packing cases - not long now!!