What do I do with this new info? Gutted and angry.

[whatafuckingmess]

I have nchanged as my other profile has so much info on it would out with me with this as well. I have other threads in the past, so you may recognise some details but please don't out me.

My parents fostered all my life and I was sexually abused by a foster brother for several years. I asked my mum for him to leave when I was 15 (she knew what was happening but not the full extent) but was told by her that she had never had a fostering placement fail and was not about to start now. I took myself off to boarding school, and we have had a difficult relationship ever since as I struggle to come to terms with what happened and how she acted, even now as an adult.

When I became pregnant I was on my own throughout, and she was a tower of strength and support. Our relationship has always been like this - episodes of closeness then something will happen, and we both find it hard to even be near each other. I moved back into her home when my ds was 3 weeks old, and I am still here - although I have a move date to my new home at the end of april

Tonight she gave me her old phone as mine is broken, and I synced it with my sim and computer. It has somehow combined our calenders - and moved her calender entries into mine (I honestly have no idea what the hell I have done to manage this)

The first entry was "Whatafuckingmess is on my mind as usual, her poor ds will suffer the brunt of her his whole life"

I have then I fully admit looked at other entries on the calender (it's not a diary, its more like at 1pm such and such happened thing).

It would seem that the only comments she makes are about me, and are all negative and horribly hurtful about how badly I care for my ds, she has said she thinks I am mentally deranged, my son is suffering by being with me, that I am "my usual mean, deluded self" and that I think I am in control but am not and god help us all. There is more of the same, but you get the gist.

My little boy is my life, I am gutted. She is downstairs now with visiting family and I am hiding in my room like a bloody 12 year old. Where do I go from here? What the hell do I do?

[whatafuckingmess]

Hello everyone, thank you for your replies. I have been lurking, because I honestly don't know how to reply. I've read everyone's responses, and I just feel helpless and a bit shit! You are all so lovely, and I am so appreciative, but I don't know how to respond to you all.

I don't want to lose my mum, but I don't want her to feel or act the way she does. I can't change the past, and I can't change how she justifies it - in part my therapy was how I could learn to live with that.

This just feel's like she has upped the game, and while it's ok to knock me, it's a step to far when my ds becomes involved.

I think for me, my worst fear is that I am not good enough for my ds. My mum obviously agree's with me and genuinely thinks I am not a suitable parent. But if that's the case, why hasn't she said something other than the odd underhand dig about what she would do differently?

My confidence is shit, I worry constantly that I'm doing / not doing the right thing for DS. I used to be a nanny and it felt so effortless then!

I feel like my choice is to either:
a) believe what my mum is saying - which is that I'm not good enough - which just feel's appalling to me that I could be letting ds down so badly, or
b) Believe that I am doing ok with ds, which begs the question just what is she playing at and why does she want to hurt me. How can she feel those horrible things about me? Really, she thinks I am deranged, she feel's sorry for my poor boy and thinks I am going to ruin his life. How can she think that?

We went out for the day today and she was lovely, it feel's so utterly strange and weird. I feel almost like I've detached and am watching from outside of myself - I just don't know how to process this, and I'm worried I am just going to let it go and not raise it, because I'm scared of the consequences.

Anyway, I have been listening to you all, and I'm sorry for yet more waffle. You all deserve wine / chocolate / flowers for helping me wade through this. Thank you

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

'Children of the self absorbed' would be a good book to read. It helps you process your past and give you coping strategies for the narcissistic parent, so you can still have a relationship.

You need time to process it all tbh x

[JuliaScurr]

www.samaritans.org/

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Your confidence and self esteem are probably due to your upbringing but you will feel so much better once you move out.

Keep talking if it helps x

[Itchywoolyjumper]

OP, everyone feel that they're not doing they're best for their DCs from time to time, its what makes good parents good parents. Like everyone else upthread, I think you sound like a wonderful mum, you're doing the very best for your DS in what are very difficult circumstances.
No one, apart from your mother can know what she thinks or why she thinks it but her actions speak for themselves: she did not report the abuse you suffered in order to save face and your attacker then went on to rape someone else. She felt that the risk of continued harm to her own child plus the risk of harm to the vulnerable children who were in her care was less important than her reputation. That is not the thought process of a rational, caring woman and from what you have said, she's not changed. Someone said it earlier on and I agree, I think she's projecting on to you.
No wonder you get angry and fly off the handle at her, she allowed you to be abused to save her face. You're very, very normal to feel that.
Talk to your therapist and please don't feel you are shit, you are amazing!

[Itchywoolyjumper]

OP, I try not to post on threads like this but your story made me feel so angry and sad for you I couldn't read and run.

[Selks]

Re the writing that you saw...I wonder if it was more her expressing frustrated and upset thoughts - privately as she thought - at times when your relationship with her was going through difficult patches. She may not think those things of you generally.

I would pick a quiet time to let her know that you accidentally saw what was written and have found it understandably upsetting, and see what she says. She may be mortified and it may only have been written in moments of desperation.

I know you and your Mum have 'history' but really I'd give her the chance to say her side before you make your mind up.

Really some posts on here are highly reactionary and unhelpful imo.

[Selks]

P.S. my post does not mean I condone her failure to believe and protect you when you were being abused, of course. That was a total failure on her part.

[musicismylife]

You show her the entries and say 'care to explain?'

Seriously.

[musicismylife]

Op, I had the same sorta thing happen to me with my foster mum. I feel your pain :(

[musicismylife]

I realised that my 'failure' in my early life was a very good talking point between her and other foster siblings, who then took her side and fell out with me . She also caused a lot of trouble for myself and ex-partner when dd was born. It was the two-faced 'smiling while stabbing me in the back' that got me.

I made her tell me what her problem was, she didn't have one, apparently. Grrrrh!

[RoomForASmallOne]

OP

From your a) and b)

It's b

Why she is doing this, I don't know.
Mainly because she is not a good person I'm afraid.
It must be horrible to think this of your mother but she has at least been consistent in her nastiness towards you.

Questioning why is akin to chasing your tail for eternity.
She is not the type to own up or accept her short comings.

You need distance
You need good support (best friend/therapy)
You need to break away from her control.

She has you questioning every thing you do and think.
A very controlling way to keep you exactly where she wants you tbh.

You sound lovely...like another poster says the fact you are aware and question your own DS'S safety shows you are instinctively a good parent.

Being nice, as she was today, is classic behaviour to keep you on the back foot.

She likes having a puppet she can control.

[cjel]

If you are feeling vulnerable still i would wait until its time for you to move out before you challenge her about what she saw, you may get upset with her reply and she may use that against you in support of what she was saying about you.
I too think that you are the sane lovely mum and ds is blessed to have you as his mother, fwiw nannyinng and mothering are different for everyone. One thing I would like you to hear from me is that I would like you to appreciate yourself, value yourself and give yourself a big hug, you are all your ds needs and you are now enough to look after yourself as well. If being a drama queen means protecting ds from sexual abusers then thats what normal good mothers do.xx

[searching4serenity]

Hope you're ok... You're in a really awful situation - wanting to see the best in your mum when she has failed you. And doubly tricky that you're staying with her... It must be really hard to process everything when you're living in the same house. I can't imagine how doubly betrayed tou must feel. Just hold on to the fact that you will get that space very soon! If you can talk to anyone in the meantime as others gave said please please do. At least to give you an outlet.

Children of the self absorbed is a great book as someone hothead mentioned. As a child of a narc mother this really resonated with me.

Thinking of you, and hoping that you're holding up ok. Keep posting.

[searching4serenity]

Hothead = up thread!

[Cherriesarelovely]

What a truly horrible shock for you and what a dreadful situation to be in. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to say though that it is ironic in the extreme that your mother who forced you to endure sexual abuse by a foster brother in order that she did not lose face is accusing YOU of being an inadequate parent?????? I apologise if you have already mentioned your mother's answer to this glaringly obvious question but I just want to reiterate to you that she is hardly one to judge.

I'm sure you are doing brilliantly with your DS. Your mum is the one with problems, both in the way she dealt with that situation when you were younger and in the way she criticises you now. Those are not the actions of a loving, caring mother.

You may be right, she may never acknowledge this to you but be assured that she is the one in the wrong here. I really hope your move goes well and that you are able to develop strategies for coping with your mother's behaviour.

[whatafuckingmess]

I just want to thank you all again, I really appreciate every single response - it has given me lots to think about, I'm sorry for not name checking everyone, but really, I am very grateful for your help when I was so upset.

I've decided that I need to get on with my life and move forward, the planned move is now only weeks away, and I think - as many of you have said - that that space will be the making of me.

I am thinking at the moment that I need to let my mum know what I have seen, but that doing that while I am under her roof would not be the wisest move. I also need to be less emotional (if that's possible!) when I talk to her about it, and so I've decided to write her a letter to give her once I have moved out. This co-insides time wise with my therapist being back off Holidays, and without being dramatic, I really think I need her help with this.

I have no idea what to write in the letter, but I want it to contain everything from start to finish, and I want it to be as clear and concise as possible so that she cannot say I am being over the top, or that her concerns are justified, because well - I don't think they are.

My son is my world, and I have read and re-read what she has put. I genuinely think if she had concerns about how I cared for him then I would know about it, because she isn't the sort to keep quiet. I think it was selks that said she may have written those things in a moment of desperation and not usually feel that way, but the quantity and repetition of her words over a period of a year makes me feel that that can't be the case. To say my son will suffer because I am his mum may be forgiveable once, but she says this over and over.

I have gone over the incidents she has chronicled, and I just don't remember them that way. I have no doubts really that when I write to her about this it will be turned around to be my fault and she will say that I shouldn't have read the notes but, I'm just not ready to cut all contact. I'm really hoping that the space of me moving out will be healing to us both.

Thank you again for seeing me through a shitty evening and the aftermath, I know it doesn't compare to finding out your DH is cheating or some of the other awful stuff on here, but it really shook me and I'm grateful for you time and help. I am going to name change back to my regular username now but I might still keep posting if that's ok.... I need ideas on how the hell to support myself and my son on a budget of beans for a start :)

[CheckpointCharlie]

Hello, you are very brave! I love how much better you are sounding now, than before. You will be amazing. I might have some bits I can post you, cot bed bedding etc if you need anything like that.

Writing it all down is a great plan, and getting our therapist to help good idea too.

How strange to have a lovely day out when you must feel so weird....! But that's better than being estranged I suppose. Crack on with the counselling and I hope you start to sort it all out and find a way forward that includes your mum, but only as far as you are able to, and on your terms.

As at the start of your thread, big hug! And pm me if you need to!

[nkf]

Personally, I think she's got a damned nerve criticising someone else's parenting when she so majorly messed up. Carry on doing what you need to do to make a home for you and your son. What she thinks is just that - what she thinks. It has nothing to do with you.

[whatafuckingmess]

Ah bless you charlie, thank you so much for the offer - I have been ok financially up till now so luckily DS has stuff coming out of his ears, I think I'm more worried about budgeting for food, emergency car repairs and the like. You are lovely to try and help though :)

nkf I think she genuinely thinks the way she does about me, and so she wouldn't realise she has a nerve, she would think she has made a mistake in the past and now has concerns about her daughter and grandson I guess. I like that phrase "what she thinks is just that - what she thinks" it sort of disempowers things a bit. I'm trying hard not to think about the specifics of it any more, it hurts too much and is too confusing. I need to focus on the future and how to make the best of things.

[cjel]

Your last post sounds so much more positive- sounds like you are starting to see the truth of how strong and capable you are and how strange and unreal DMs view of things is. I can't wait for you to move and start your new life I feel excited for youxx

[RoomForASmallOne]

Like cjel I feel excited for you too

And delighted you feel and sound more positive.

Letter sounds a good idea, might be cathartic for you.

And you are powerless over your mother, really.
Only she can change herself iyswim.... it is great you are looking forward.

[EldritchCleavage]

My mum obviously agree's with me and genuinely thinks I am not a suitable parent. But if that's the case, why hasn't she said something other than the odd underhand dig about what she would do differently?

The reason you can't square the circle is because your mother's position makes no logical or emotional sense. She wants you around/oh piss off/she loves you/she hates you. That's very much her issue, and doesn't reflect on you as a person at all.

It sounds as though your mother is deeply and very unhealthily invested in her Golden Mother role (I think your therapist speaks sense about alpha mummies and your successful parenting of your child being a threat to her self-image) and heaven forbid you challenge that in any way.

YOU HAVE GOT TO GET AWAY FROM HER. For the time you have to stay in the house, try your very best to detach emotionally from her shit. Just park it and promise you'll deal when your therapist is back, when you move out, whatever.

Something else I don't quite know how to put: if you've acted out sometimes, well that's understandable when put in a position where a person you love has manipulated you so extremely. I've only once in my life attacked someone physically (an ex, at the time a close 'friend' or so I thought), and was deeply ashamed that I did. It took work with my therapist to realise how I got there. He was at the same time ostensibly loving, benign, concerned and bewildered, and also manipulative, exploitative, emotionally sadistic and dishonest. I couldn't square the circle either, and exploded in frustration. I don't think for a moment resorting to physical violence was ok, and I remain ashamed of it, but I have forgiven myself for reacting that way under such massive pressure. I think you should forgive yourself too. And consider it a reason to keep your mother at a greater distance in the future.

[bobbywash]

going to add a quick flipside to this.

For what ever reason she wrote this, it was clearly meant to be her own private thoughts, and it was not intended to be read by you. Whilst I can understand your reaction, it's no different than reading her private diary, if it had been left in paper form you probably wouldn't have read it, so to carry on reading it wasn't right of you. There was a thread I read (yesterday) about someones DH reading her diary, and people on here flamed him for his lack of respect. The lady writing it said it was just thoughts of the moment, not something she meant, but her coping mechanism, it was full of critisism of her DH which upset him, but she justified it just saying that was what she felt when she wrote it.

That may be true of your M. To be honest I do feel that continuing to read it when you realised it was her entries and was only available to you as an error was a bit of a breach of your M's privacy. If you do confront her with it, do remember you have breached her privacy, and she may justifiably be angry with you.

That in no way is meant to condone her actions with you as a child, and TBH I'm amazed you still speak to her.

[eggerlicious]

You trusted her and she let you down. Every time you get close to her she hurts you. Now there is another generation involved. You aren't a bad parent, or deranged or anything that she says you are. It sounds like she has disassociated herself from you and your pain.

I'm so so so sorry you deserve someone who is there for you unconditionally. Honestly, I can imagine it cuts like a knife every time that your life was destroyed indirectly by her actions and not only did she not stick up for you when you needed her most, you were forced out. I'm sure all the taunts now just continue the abuse.

Can you confront her? Or threaten to not have any contact unless you supports you? If you know the answer is that she will turn her back, then turns yours. No matter how hard that might be.