Feel and act very unsexy

[Iceicelady]

I feel like I don't have a sexual side at the moment, or at least not one I can express.

I was dumped by my dp last summer, he left me for someone else. I'm definitely over him, but starting to think I might not be over all the fall out from the break-up. I've been dating for a few months and nothing is happening. I get asked out, I get asked out for second dates, but no one is making a move. It's a term I hate, but I think I'm giving off frigid vibes. I go out and I don't eye up guys like my friends do. I'm sociable, I'm just not sexual.

I just don't feel sexy, even though I really, really want intimacy. It doesn't help that I've put on weight. I'm not overweight but I'm above the weight I'm comfortable at (The weight that my ex DP found unattractively skinny - the realisation of which is partly to blame for me putting on weight). I feel unattractive for other reasons to. My ex had hang-ups about sex which meant our sex life developed a rather functional vibe and I just don't know how to go about being out there and feeling good about it.

I want to fix this. I'm not an asexual person. I want to be able to flirt, be available, take risks and feel confident to get naked with someone. I just don't know how to.

Take a risk then, next time your on a date be the first to make a move if that's what you want. Your exes hang ups are no reflection on you and try not to worry about your weight, men aren't as one dimensional as you might think, different men like different women. The right one will be out there somewhere for you. Good luck dating!

Why is it the simplest advice can be the hardest to act upon!? I might have to take baby steps and go with a half move.

I just want to meet someone who I'm attracted to and I know is attracted to me, and re-build my confidence and sexuality from there. But maybe I'm always going to be on to a loser if I rely on someone else.

Ice, I'm a bloke and I know how scary making the first move can be, just go with what your comfortable with. You've only been dating a short while and like anything, the more experience you have, the easier it gets.

This is harder to think about than to do ... verbalise :) Go "Can I kiss you?" and/or "Would you like to have sex?" Seriously. No-one but the biggest arsehole is going to knock you back unkindly - and you wouldn't want to break your duck with an arsehole

Would you like to have sex is a little bit forward, try do you want to come back to my place for a coffee, we all know what that could mean and wouldn't be so scary for you to say.

YY, of course it makes sense to do what you can cope with ... I found the straight question a damn sight easier to cope with, as the come back to my place leaves the ambiguity hanging around until one of you gets the nerve up to make another move. By the time all this unspoken to-ing and fro-ing had taken place, my nerves were shredded!

I never encountered any problems with mind-changing, either. Turned out most men are at least as good at letting a gal down gently, as vice versa.

... ... the only time I used game-playing was when I invited a man back for a last drink with every intention of ambushing him. He would have refused a direct proposition - because he, er, should have refused

Do you practice a bit of Onanism Ice?

I mean, do you know what you like, what does it for you and what makes you tick? Because the biggest let down would be relying someone else to make the earth move when you've spent so much time in a "functional" relationship. That might make you lose more confidence.

I know what you mean garlic, just thought if the op wasn't to confident she might want to go slowly. It might be worth the op keeping in mind that her date must find her attractive or he wouldn't be there, that's half the job done!

Guilty conscience garlic? lol

Well, not exactly as I wasn't the one doing someone else wrong. But I acted like a twat, yes. Luckily it had no repercussions.

OP, Wally has a point! You're more likely to act sexy if you feel sexy. And you're more likely to feel sexy if you're giving your sex organs a happy workout ...

The problem is Verbal that these are dates from OD so actually I don't know they find me attractive in the flesh! I think I'm witty and charming enough (no awkward pauses etc) but I do spend a lot of time worrying that they're feeling let down and just not that attracted to me.

Garlic I think I'm more of a show me than tell me type person. I wish I had the confidence to be that direct but it ain't happening.

Wally - yes. I know what I like. I'm actually not terrible at asking for it when the time comes. It's just getting the time that is the problem at the moment!

Oh, lovely, you sound absolutely fine apart from undue concern about what they think of you! Concentrate on what you think of them. They're grown-ups, they can do their own thinking :)

Ice, i think your being to hard on yourself, you say you get asked on second dates so they must have seen you in the flesh.

Try not to get hung up on this. There's absolutely nothing wrong. You just need a bit more time to recover from your last relationship and build up your self-confidence. I don't think I'd advise putting into words like one poster said. But I'm quite old-fashioned I suppose. If you get asked out on second dates I don't think you can be going that far wrong. Unless they get the impression your not keen. It is difficult!

I think you should focus less on your sexiness - it is after all subjective.

I felt like you do after leaving my EA ex (who - after many years - had made me feel worthless and had told me I was frigid when in reality I was just repulsed by him).

I realised soon after meeting someone new that feeling sexy is closely linked to feeling loved, appreciated and desired. It will come, just give it time.

Thanks for the advice. I am going to try and relax more. Cleo I think you're right. I think I have to accept that a lot of it is going to come down to being patient and meeting someone where I can be confident there's mutual attraction.

What an interesting post, Icelady, made me think ...

Sexiness is of course a state of mind, only marginally related to conventional good looks. Lots of conventionally sized and pretty women have zero sex appeal.

Being sexy is to do with having a love of life, personality, depth, and so forth. No amount of diets or plastic surgery will create that.

Then, the right man will find you. If not, well he's just not available ...

As a man I would not feel comfortable making a move on someone unless I was getting some signals that the move would be welcomed.

Although in the past I have been direct enough to ask if I can kiss a lady who I fancy.

LordLurkin thanks for that perspective, it's useful to hear. One of the things that has made me more insecure I think is friends who have seemed surprised at the lack of action I'm getting. I do think I'm giving off vibes that you'd need to be pretty sex-pesty to override, but people are acting like I should be physically fighting people off or it's not a good first date.

But I am going to try and do a better job at showing I'm interested if I ever do meet anyone I am interested in. Stupid question, but what do I do? I haven't been single for years and the early dates with my ex were pretty slow burn.

Meh, I'm having a low.

Since I posted this thread I have slept with someone. It was a ONS and I made that clear but it was very helpful to get me over my sex fear.

But since, meh. I've been rejected by someone I did like, the guys who fancy me I just do not fancy, and I never seem to get hit on. It doesn't help that a couple of my close single friends seem to be getting lots of attention at the moment.

I think I'm just not that attractive anymore, but I'm struggling to accept this. That sounds ridiculous I know, but I'm struggling with my self esteem at the moment. Do I have to train myself to fancy the people who seem interested in me?

iceicelady - do you have a particular outfit/item of clothing that when worn makes you look in the mirror and think 'Yeah, I look pretty good in this!'. If you do it might give your confidence the little boost it needs :)
You don't have to train yourself to fancy only the people who seem interested in you. You DO have to train yourself to think that you are an attractive, interesting person who people you fancy could be interested in!

You don't have to train yourself to fancy only the people who seem interested in you. You DO have to train yourself to think that you are an attractive, interesting person who people you fancy could be interested in!

But what if it keeps not happening? At some point don't x many nos show that you're asking the wrong question to the wrong people?

For what it's worth, Ice, I'm dabbling in OD and I approach a 'first date' (= meeting for coffee) without any expectations at all - just a coffee and a chat. It's impossible to tell from webchat/email if you'll hit it off, I'm not going in thinking 'potential sex partner' but 'will I like him? Fancy him?' Very low pressure. Haven't met anyone yet that I remotely fancied but I know more about what's available by way of cafes & coffee shops across the county! The sexy bit will come in due course when the spark is there - sexiness is a mutually-felt thing. And you may have to drink a lot of coffee before one ignites....

OP you don't have to have a physical relationship with people just because you've been on a lot of dates. If you've just exited one bad experience and you're struggling with self-esteem what you need first and foremost is to rebuild your confidence as an independent woman - happy in your skin. Then, when you're ready, find someone you can trust and relate to as a friend, building up to the physical. Don't fling yourself into the gubby world of one night stands with people off dating sites. That's a quick way to make you feel cheap...